Couch 92 Found my shoe

I grew up with that assumption from everyone I knew as a child. I see it in my real life quite often and hear clients say it as well -- others must just not have it as tough as they do or those people would understand, act the same way, etc. I see it acted out on this forum all the ****ing time.

I resent being placated as well. However, I equally resent the implication that my feelings are less intense than others. I also think there is a certain amount of normal upset with which we should be able to expect others to deal and that we should not have to walk around on eggshells constantly for fear of upsetting certain people. I detest being reprimanded for upsetting other people's sensitivities by pointing out the nail in the head (so to speak). If you ***** to me about a pain in your head, I am going to point out the ****ing nail, and if you don't want to hear it, that's fine, but don't blow up at me or criticize me for pointing out the ****ing nail. And if you KEEP griping about the nail in your head, don't ever, ever expect me to say, oh, sorry about the pain in your head. It's your own ****ing fault and deal or don't but in any event, stop ****ing talking about it.

I semi-lost it the other day when a person kept talking about the things she could not do over the years due to her "illness." I finally just said (very calmly) that I didn't think we should keep pretending that her many-year meth addiction was an illness and let's just be honest about the fact that she was busy getting high and couldn't be bothered to do what she needs to do. She got mad. What the **** ever. Go to treatment or don't but don't expect me to pretend like you are some poor person with a physical illness that prevents you from assuming adult responsibilities.

Have I mentioned I am both extremely depressed and extremely cranky? so. yeah. That's where I am right now. I am trying desperately not to crawl in a hole and die and getting sick of just about everything.

I rarely get upset if someone wants to keep telling me the same thing over and over and not change. I figure it is their life and not mine to fix. I do figure it is rough for someone who feels they can't change - I don't understand it but I do imagine it is a horrible feeling - so I can be sympathetic to that part. I don't often have an urge to point out the nail in the head more than once or twice - just not my problem. I also admit I often just don't listen that closely to repeated complaints - I can tune that out pretty easily. Luckily for me, I am not seen as that sympathetic to most things so people don't expect a lot of it from me on most things. OF course - as we know - I have other things that set me off.

Sorry you are so depressed. I know it is a rough place to be.

yeah, I know I'm a hypocrite sometimes because I keep *****ing about the depression. In my defense, though, I am trying really hard to change.

I am somehow seen as sympathetic, which is part of the problem. I apparently do not show my impatience or irritation, in the same way I do not show my pain. So people tend to talk to me. Also, I think part of the reason I make a good attorney is that I often/usually look for ways to fix the things people tell me about. And I grew up being ignored and repeating myself often (and still have that experience) so I do tend to keep repeating myself. With H, I have learned to just say, 'hey, you heard me, right?' instead of just repeating things over and over, but that has been a hard lesson.

I was not trying to imply you were being a hypocrite.
And I was sincerely asking if there is a way of responding to you that would help you right now that I could do.

I didn't mean that you were. It something I know about myself and I work on. Not sure what would help right now. Knowing I am not alone in my responses to pain was helpful yesterday, so thank you all for that. T thinks a big chunk of my depression is what we are talking about in therapy (the CSA stuff and what I consider to be my 'weird' responses to it), and I don't know that there is any help for that. The feeling of being exposed and unsafe and that I should just die rather than talk about this stuff is pretty huge. Also that feeling of just being defective and so damaged that it is just pointless to keep trying keeps coming up.

T told me today that children of parents who kill themselves are statistically much more likely to also commit suicide. That will be a huge deterrent for me, even when I start feeling like they would be better off without me around.

is this stuff specific enough to need a trigger warning? Added it just in case.

I was just reading about some of the stuff you were writing about having people assume you're not in pain because you aren't complaining. I have definitely run into this assumption over and over and over again. Made me think of when I was in labor -- midwife didn't think to check me before they put in the epidural (I'd only been laboring for a couple hours). I was clearly in pain, but you know, it's labor. However, the amount of pain I was showing -- I was near tears, biting a pillow and moaning -- was, if you knew me A LOT. But, even though I wasn't screaming my face off like the woman down the hall, I was actually fully dilated and ready to push, but they'd put the epidural in before I knew that. Otherwise I might have opted out of it. Luckily, she never at any point blamed me for the fact that she didn't check, and we got through it just fine.

At the same time, there *are* people in the world who get it. I have had the same dentist since I was a child, so he knows me very well. For some reason I don't respond well to Novocaine, and I need lots of it before it starts to work, which can mean repeated injections, and waiting. Last time I needed it I got impatient and told him it really didn't hurt that badly, and to just proceed instead of waiting until I'd had enough to be numb. He said, "Uh uh, no, I don't want you to be in any pain. And I worry about you, because you never complain. So we're going to wait until there is NO pain." He knows to listen to my words, and how to ask the right questions -- not "is this ok" but rather "is there no pain at all".

I wish there were more of those people. And I wish you had more of those people in your life. They exist, though, I promise.

I think the sweet spot between being placated and getting the "well, it's not like you're complaining" is being believed and understood. Do you think that's maybe what's missing?

Also, I have noticed -- and I will tread carefully here because seriously, I am not talking about anyone in particular -- that what can happen sometimes, both here and in life, is that a situation can arise when Person A, who is more of the "If you don't respond to pain in exactly the same way as I do then you must have an easier life than I do" camp, is upset and complaining about something, and Person B, who is not of that camp, responds by pointing out something that Person A doesn't want to hear, but may shed some light on the situation in a way that is meant to be helpful to Person A. Person A, or a Person C who is of Person A's camp and/or feels the need to "protect" Person A, lashes out in a way that is mean, nasty, and meant to be personally hurtful to Person B. And at the end of the day, Person A and C are classified as "coming from a place of hurt" and Person B is "insensitive and judgmental, and not meeting Person A/C where they are." Yet it was Person B who was trying to be helpful, and Person A/C who was trying to be hurtful.

It is gravely disappointing when this, or some variation thereof, occurs. If the in-between from placating to indifference is understanding, then let me tell you -- I understand.

I wish I had something better to say other than the world is too often this way... really, though, sometimes it isn't. I know you can't always cut out the parts of your life that are like this -- ER visits as one example -- but if you can, definitely do, and definitely don't look back.

Please don't crawl into a hole and die. I echo what your T said about kids of parents who commit suicide. AND while we're on the theme of telling people what they don't want to hear... Only *I* get to decide if I'm better of without you, lady, and I assure you I'm not. Deal with it

Thanks, SallyBrown. You hit the nail on the head with the forum part of the issue. And thank you for the little kick in the butt.

I would not jump automatically to person A/C trying to be hurtful even if that is a result. And the intent of B is not always a mitigating factor for me. I am strongly in the road to hell is paved with good intentions faction.
But I became a lawyer not because I am good at solving people's problems for them - I don't even want to do that. I did it because I want to keep people free to make their own choices and be free of imposed care/incarceration etc. External binding I suppose.
I can even go all Hankster and relate it back to my childhood where all sorts of things were excused because others were trying to be helpful and how much the awful things showed they cared. And trying to reject the awful well intended things was met with harsh reprisal. I am free to do stupid things if I choose. And to keep doing them over and over and over until I decide to do something else. I am also free to not agree as to whether something is stupid to do or not. Just because someone does something differently than how I would do it, does not give me license to try to cram my way down them.

*sits in the corner*

Hi cat you ok? Did you try the bedtime story thing?

I'm coping.

Bedtime story thing? I don't remember.

I know about myself that it can be more satisfying to curse the darkness than to light a candle.

I have got to figure out how to post pictures now that I have a windows machine.
I never could figure it out with the mac -- It always just gave the link or an unintelligible box

I have always identified with Charlie Brown.

Yeah, lighting a candle is not much help when all it does is show you how badly you need fluorescent lighting... Especially when you already knew you needed fluorescent lighting and you're doing your best to manage without anyway.

CURSE YOU DARKNESS!!!

Nervous about leaving that there. I'm a bit paranoid today

I'm on a mac. I use google image search, click on image. Then it gives you the option to go to image

Once there copy the whole URL. Then come back to PC click on the image icon above (mountains/yellow sky) and paste the url. Lots of steps though

LOL mine didn't work Some sites like photo bucket block linking

Yeah, sometimes pictures work with the browser, sometimes they don't. The app is more reliable.

Friday Vibes, you guys:



I used photobucket for that, didn't have any issues.

I am not certain what photobucket is. Or the google thing either for that matter.

I think my T might be too privileged to fully understand my situation. He seems to think I can get free legal representation. I very much doubt it. What is available are some free classes and limited legal advice. Admittedly I've only spoken to one lawyer, but what she told me matches what I've found and the resources given me by the shelter. No free lunch.
T straight up told me today that all my efforts would be for nothing if I don't go ahead with divorce (no, duh!), but then proceeded to tell me that I'd be screwed without a lawyer. WTF dude? Even if I quit seeing you I won't be able to afford a lawyer! I'm in a state of panic over having to go back into a courtroom in the first place. I so did not need that!

You can store your photos - or any images online with Photobucket and order prints and other stuff. You can make your account public or not.
Google images is a Google search engine specifically for images/pictures.