Anti-therapy thoughts

I'm supposed to go to a what's called a bridging session this week. She will sit there on the side while I get to know my new therapist. That's the last time I will ever see her. The problem is I don't want a different therapist and I wish so much we could be friends but at the same time there's this nagging feeling I don't even really know this person, that maybe the care she displayed was all fake.

What makes this even worse I got myself enrolled in a college which was a huge step for me, especially if you new the life I've been living the last 20 years. But now I feel like I have no support while going back to school.

Mine is trying t demonstrate trust. Always there. Not going anywhere in a hurry (he has a permanent job). Always treats me with unconditional positive regard. Remembers everything I've told him. Even gave me his private mobile nbr which I probably won't need to use. But just knowing that he broke protocol and gave it to me seems like he trusts me not to call him all hours of the day.
He's been nothing but kind, ethical and drives me nuts sometimes. I even want to slap him silly sometimes. But he hasn't really done anything to make me think he's awful. Not like some other T's I've had.

Mine gave me her cell phone number too (I saw her at a clinic and it was against the rules). I rarely called it outside of times/dates we set up in advance when she TOLD ME TO CALL, maybe a few times a year and she encouraged me to call if I needed her, then suddenly said after 5 years she never should have done this since she could have lost her job and she should have protected herself instead of thinking of me. This undid all that and left me feeling worthless, sick, and like everything she said was a load of crap. In the end, you can't "take back" anything you gave like that by retroactively wishing it away, coldly and without realizing how badly it would damage me, and then expect it to not hurt. I wouldn't do that to anyone. Hell, I think it would even hurt pretty badly if my boss suddenly said "hey, remember years ago I told you that if you had any questions you could call me? Yeah, I never should have done that." The worst part is that horrible anxiety that *I* did something wrong, but she told me to call her if I was in crisis, and how is being unable to pee for over 2 weeks and losing it with obsessive anxiety *not* a crisis for someone with OCD? It's like the one time I actually asked for something and was hurt it took a week and a half to call me back (I don't have anger problems but I did ask if she still cared about me because I'm insecure as hell and was hurt), she got angry and tried to undo the caring she showed in the past. I keep wondering what the hell is wrong with me, but attachment to her aside, this would be cold coming from anyone. Even my pastor listened to me sob like a lunatic and was kind and empathetic because I was struggling so hard... And she doesn't claim to be a "mental health professional," but understood because... I don't know, human kindness or common decency? It's a long time to answer a phone call even if you aren't dealing with a person who has a dependency you encouraged.

Now suddenly she wants to see me at her private practice, although this is also against the rules, because I have insurance now through work. I find this really odd. Why is it all if a sudden okay to break the rules again now that I have insurance? It's confusing and unstable, and at the risk of drawing attention to my OCD and paranoia tendencies... Just plain weird. You can't keep changing your mind depending on what suits you. I'd be confused if anyone did this, let alone someone supposed to be helping me with my anxiety?? I don't get it.

Oh and after years of seeing her or at least talking to her weekly, suddenly she said we can only see each other every 6 weeks because it's not good for me to be so dependent and I need more help than she can give. I was devestated. I cried, grieved, hated myself and did some messed up stuff to myself (that I didn't tell her about because I know that would be "mAnipulative"). Now suddenly she changes her mind and seeing her again frequently is fine... How come she suddenly thinks she can help me again after telling me I'm "too sick" and abandoning me out of nowhere for 6 weeks? If she really believed I'm "too sick" and she can't help me, why would she even be willing to take my money (even after insurance, paying her privately right now would make it almost impossible for me to survive since it would still cost me $300/month out of pocket and I'm in the middle of filing for bankruptcy. I borrow money almost weekly from my dad for food or meds or bus money since the bankrupcy claim has left me with a little over $1100 a month for everything including rent, plus I was just off work for 2 months following 2 surgeries). Plus the hospital program I'm in now (which is free and seems a whole lot more helpful) doesn't want me to see other therapists so it would be on the downlow because she wants me in the program as well. The whole thing makes no sense. Then when *I* try to end it, it becomes me being unwilling to work through my abandonment issues?! What??? I don't even want to see someone who suggests I pay that much for therapy right now when I am struggling so hard financially... And she knows how dependent I was (she just doesn't realize I've detatched now). It just seems so exploitative?? I would never tell her that to her face, but it seems way less cruel to have just left it at me seeing her at the clinic every 6 weeks (which I was planning on ending anyway).

After growing up as I did, if there is one thing that I absolutely can't stand, it's someone changing their mind about things constantly. And feeling like someone is being dishonest.

Therapy needs to be way more regulated than it is now. It harms too many people. I am sorry for what you're going through.

I actually think it should go the other way - not be as regulated or considered under the medical model (which is broken enough for non-mental health). I think it should go along with things like sacral cranial energy work, qi gong, yoga, reiki and so on. The only more regulated part of it I think is that there needs to be mandatory disclosure that the therapist does not know if they can help anyone, it very well may not work, the therapist has no real idea of what to do - they just make it up as they go along throwing **** out there and hoping something sticks, and that they are not responsible if it does not help because they are just guessing.

Stopdog, I was just thinking that. Part of the problem is it's often presented as a "cure." They present it as something close to a medical field, but it isn't science, and can veer into quackery.

Therapy can be nasty when the therapist goes 'digging' for evidence to support their theories or impressions. This is particularly traumatic when those theories or impressions are wrong. Some of these people tried to convince me I had a traumatic childhood. They even said my father had substance abuse issues, all because of his Aboriginal heritage. My autism symptoms such as social difficulties, rigidity, apparent deafness and speech delay were evidence of some kind of horrific abuse that I apparently suffered and suppressed. They did this so I could fit their (mis)diagnosis.

I was profoundly hurt by this attempt of shaping.

They almost broke me until I decided to put a stop to it. I quit therapy for years. Now, I am back with the correct diagnosis and seeing a lot of improvement.

What messed me up was not knowing I had autism spectrum disorder. I was 34 when I learned this. My personality traits, prosopagnosia, social decoding troubles, and my developmental and school history supports it. It wasn't anything more than that.

I think even at the very best, therapy made me way too obsessed with my issues. It's not normalizing at all.

People become very self focused and that isn't necessarily a good thing. I did much better when I got out of the bad therapy I was in and focused less on myself and more on others and life outside myself.

I work for a company that manages online subscriptions for pornographic websites. We are not allowed to sell to people who are porn addicts.

I think therapy made me dependent in a similar way... Not a porn addict, but like I couldn't survive without her to tell me how to think or how to manage life. How is it ethical to keep someone in a "relationship" where they have a reduced ability to make a decision about whether they can afford to give you their money, but keep taking it from them? It really does seem exploitative.

I don't get why a porn company has to follow this ethical boundary but a therapist doesn't. It honestly seems a bit messed up.

That makes sense. I just think there are a lot of therapists out there floating around without any direction or supervision or any kind of sense of what they're doing. Maybe it's impossible to regulate that kind of stuff because therapy and psychology and counseling make no sense. LOL. It is guessing and made up stuff. I do think a lot of therapists end up abusing clients because they get so godlike in how they see themselves and they don't have anyone to answer to. I think there should be some kind of answering to someone. Ugh. But I have no idea who.

The godlike tendency is also helped along by all the idolizing some clients heap on them. The first one I hire tells me on a regular basis that her other clients love her unlike me.

I've seen enormous evidence of therapists believing their own publicity and eliciting this god-image that so much of the public seems to have of them. I also wonder if that's the reason for the dearth of study of how therapy can harm people. Most of their "ethics" literature is centered around avoiding malpractice and the APPEARANCE of wrong doing as opposed to the acts and damage. And there seems a myth that to cause damage a therapist must have practiced outside of accepted protocol. The service recipient barely seems in the picture beyond a collection of pathologies.

It goes with the idea of it being scientific I think. They don't have to think in terms of doing something immoral because they can always find some theory to back it up. Even doctors promise to "do no harm," but therapists get a free pass. I just don't get why some of them don't seem to have the minimum amount of decency to do things in a less cruel manner. Correct termination and such. Not as therapists but as humans. That's a bit confusing to me. I generally speaking don't want to do things to hurt people if I can avoid it, but I guess sometimes I have trouble getting why the world is so cruel in general. I even feel bad cutting customers off at work. I guess my boundaries are flimsier about certain things. But I like that about myself, I'm kind.

In other news, just crossed "cancel therapy" off my to-do list. I feel relieved. I'll email her in the fall and terminate for good over email. It didn't seem to "take" when I put on my big girl pants and tried to do it in person. I think sometimes putting things off until you are stronger is okay, so I'm giving myself a pass for now. Besides, she behaves in a confusing manner, why wade into that right now when I'm just feeling a bit better?

So many psych professionals have turned whatever we are, whatever we do into an illness. Any way we relate to others evidences an attachment "issue." We lack self-regulation or we're not in touch with our emotions. We're avoidant, have separation anxiety or we're afraid of intimacy. We have attention deficits, we're obsessive or we're afraid of success. We have social anxiety or we're histrionic. We either have an adjustment disorder--TOO much reaction to stress or have derealization disorder. We either have social anxiety or we're narcissistically too bold or afraid of intimacy. If we tune out or daydream we're now having a dissociative episode.

It seems every trait, every insecurity, every jagged edge or deviation from the arbitrary norm is meat for a psych professional to assert we require repair and best submit ourselves to hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars of treatment .

It's often easy to manipulate another's self-doubts. So much of this strikes me as trumped up and nothing more than shameless salesmanship. I find so much of it hucksterism.

Yup. There are parts of me that have been labelled "disorder" that I don't completely want to lose. Like worrying if I hurt someone -- part of that is okay, part of that is me. I don't want to become harder in every way, because I would lose myself. And I'm realizing that it's okay to like things about myself like that.

It seems to me that the level of obsession people have with their therapists is so unhealthy. And I'm not judging, because I did it too. I needed reassurance at the end of every appt that she wasnt leaving me. Every time. But this kind of dependency and fixation just seems so completely sick... If we had obsessions like that with celebrities or ex partners, we would be in therapy for them. Or on meds. It makes no sense.

That horrible, terrifying fear of loss and believing it was because of my "fear of abandonment" and that I was the only one who felt that way because I was creepy and obsessive was just so freaking sad. It kept me scared and dependent... I went into therapy feeling suicidal and after 5 years believed I would kill myself without therapy. How on earth is that any better?

I'm speaking for myself but I believe what many of us need is a friend and not a therapist. Don't get me wrong I didn't go to therapy expecting to be friends with my therapist but when they suck you into this attachment whether it's intentional or not, you crave that connection with another person, that you are loved and valued as a person. I remember in one session I told her how can you tell me how great I am and hold me in the highest regard and yet you want nothing to do with me after you leave.

She did help me a lot and I even gave her a thank you card in our last session, but it occurred to me after I left that she never would have done that for me.

I agree.

I just cancelled the only session I have ever cancelled in 5.5 years, and she's on vacation for three months after this. Last year she would have called me. Actually last year she saw me against the rules at her private practice all summer. Two previous ones as well. I had to keep it quiet.

This time I know I won't hear from her at all. Even though deep down she KNOWS she hurt me and it's her fault, I know this because she told me she "did a terrible thing to me." She knows why I am terminating and she knows how upset I was. Even if later she tried to blame my "abandonment fears." But I still know I won't hear from her. Luckily I don't care at this point because I have detatched and it feels like the strong, healthy thing. Like getting out of a bad relationship. But it makes me sad thinking how much this would have broken my heart last year.

I think even if I was a hairstylist and I had a client I had hurt like that cancel for the first time in 5.5 years of weekly appointments, I would be concerned. It's strange. The whole thing is so devoid of warmth.

I am highly aware that my therapist is a paid provider and that I hire her to do a certain job. But, her humanity does shine through and part of what I'm paying her for is to be THERE for me, emotionally, in a way that no person rationally would be there, UNLESS they were getting paid to do so.

I've learned a lot from this person. I pay her 4 cents per second (per second!) to listen to my story and hold that information in her head until next time. I've invested in her and I find it really valuable to have this one person who knows me so well.

I don't think I am in denial about what it is. Crazily enough, my therapist has helped me so much that it has improved my real-life relationships. So, if she were to disappear, I would not be devastated for long.

I would miss my paid cheerleader and I'd miss her insights. I'd miss her. But I'd survive probably better off than before we met. (Not so with my first therapist -- that was a disaster. Left me worse off.)

I guess the trick is to forge a good human therapist-client connection with someone who will stick around long enough to get you to the other side.

Every society has its healers and shamans. I don't see this as any different.

Yeah therapy is so unnatural. I'm never treating my T in a maternal way, regardless of how I feel, I'm just not even going there, because she's not my mom. The business model is ridiculous. It's the dream of any business to own your customer's feelings. Ask yourself if your T were a car mechanic, how would you be behaving? It's no different. Don't smash your car just to see them.

The purpose of therapy is to get strong enough to dump your therapist. Sad but true. Speaking purely from a relational standpoint, it's an unhealthy relationship by design and the only healthy answer is to realize that.

I've been going to my T for around 3 months and, though I make it a point to engage, I don't feel that type of attachment.

In my first session we agreed that he wouldn't hijack my goals by trying to make them about relationships with other people, give me unsolicited advice, or bring his politics into the session and in turn, I would do my best to engage with him and form a therapeutic relationship (which I do). Last session at one point he told me that as part of engaging with him I was supposed to listen to him tell me how I was splitting because I walked away from a group whose politics are unsuited to me and didn't look back. I guess attachment was supposed to mean that I hijack my own goals and the fact that it didn't work means I didn't keep up my part of the relationship bargain.

So attached, not attached, it's a zero sum game.

How do you spell power over?