[Suraya]

T is finally back this week after being gone for several weeks, and now I don't want to see her. What is up with that?! I have needed her so badly during this break. My life has been falling apart and I have been a wreck and desperately needing to see her; counting the days until her return. But now that the time is approaching, I have a nervous feeling and a dread in the pit of my stomach like I just want to stay away. I can't explain it. Has anyone else experienced this before? am I trying to protect myself? The only explanation I can come up with is that I've been trying to protect myself for the last several weeks with her being gone, and now I'm trying to stay in that mode of not needing her, Like seeing her again will bring back that feeling of dependency that I've been trying so hard to not have this past period of her being away.

[Soccer mom]

I sometimes feel I'm like that every week. Early in the week I'm missing her terribly and by the time my session rolls around I think I would be fine without her. I wonder if it's a protective thing or avoiding being vulnerable. I haven't been able to pinpoint it either. Amazing how sometimes our mind does strange things...

[PinkFlamingo99]

I used to feel like this every week. Dread but happiness.

[laxer12]

Feeling that way right now.

have you ever watched a child whose mother returns to pick them up from nursery or childminders and the child won't look at the mother.
They normally hold it together whist the mothers absent,and only in her return can they express how they really feel.

[Elkino]

Just like soccermom, I experience this very often too. But I also recognize this behavior in other things, outside of therapy. It's as if if I can't have something... I want to prove that I can live without it. First it hurts and after I get used to the feeling, I want to avoid becoming vulnerable again or being drawn back into this pain of the first couple of days. It's probably because it hurts a bit every time the session is over and you wait for the next one.

Exactly like you say, I guess you're scared of needing your therapist and of feeling that you need her. I learned though that you can't both have a strong connection, while trying to not put yourself at risk of being dependent or getting hurt. That's not how it works. I think that learning to live with uncertainty should help learning to enjoy the moment (and the looking forward to something).

[Suraya]

That all makes a lot of sense - being vulnerable again and being drawn back in. Inside I want to go in and be all string and prove I don't need her, yet I know I've been falling apart the last several weeks and I'm afraid I will with her too, and I really don't want to. I'' be biting the inside of my lip and steering the conversation away just so I don't have to be emotional - and I know that's foolish! Geesh - I really do hate this therapy stuff! Why do I feel like I was so much better before starting this journey?!