[granite1]

was not having a good day at all . no sleep and stress. I wrote a lot about what is going on. it again took me forever to say anything. I finely told her all I want to do is to have her read my journal. she said that would be fine . after big breaths I took it out and handed it to her . I told her that I seemed to have a lot to say this morning. she asked me if I wrote in it this morning. I nodded yes . I didn't want her to read anything else but that. I am not sure if she had read any other but this mornings entry. she asked me questions about it as she read itt . like who was it that I met for lunch and how did it go . she seemed to be into challenging me big time today. she just doesn't seem to understand at times what is going on in my head. I told her that it went ok .she tried to confirm that I had not in fact said anything horrible or had done anything horrible . I don't know this and to never assume anything . they are beautiful people and might never say anything. I hate when she just plain contradicts me . she asked me what I was thinking and what was going on in my head . It was so hard to put it into words . it scared me. I tried to just say everything . that I have just messed everything in my life up .she was really pushing me today to give her more . she asked what I messed up? Everything I said she asked me to respond a bit further with more information . I didn't know how to put it all into words. I said my life ,my son ,my husband. I don't want to deal with any of it at all anymore . I started to cry but she didn't notice and I regained control quickly. she really was boot camp T today. she said I needed to tell her what was going on because I only had like 15 min left. she said history shows that things are not good if I leave without telling her what was going on . I told her that I didn't want to deal any more . that I was horrible . she asked what I did that was horrible . I couldn't say but I hurt so bad . this is when she said "you know your life isn't really that horrible she said that she knows it is hard for me to understand that it is just how I am perceiving things. I couldn't believe it .I mean I understand what she is trying to say and all but things are horrible .i know she was trying to get me to see that things are not so bad but I need her to see that they are .that I am a screw up big time . we then started taking about my son because I said I don't want to be his mother at all. that I have no idea how to do it . ant this is when I started to cry again. she told me that I had no choice but to be his mother and that he needed me . I just mess things up more for him. I fet so out of control and so stupid for crying . im just so tired . thank god she just ignored my show of stupid tears and just kept talking . I insisted that I cant be any mother to him . she said that is is a huge adjustment for him and I . but I don't want to be a mom anymore .I suck at it .she was not having anything to do with my pity party.i asked for my book back and she wouldn't give it to me . she said I can have it when I talk to her some more about what was going on . it was not time to leave and she didn't want me leaving yet . I don't know if it was because I stupidly let her see I was upset. she tried to calm me down some and all I wanted to do was run out . I did pull myself together because I had to leave . eventually she did give me my book back but told me to sit back down that my time was not up yet. and said sorry for keeping my book that that was not fair to me . I knew why she did it . I was just upset that she just would not once again accept me for what I am . I don't know if this was a good or horrible session . im upset ,this I know

[stopdog]

I actually think she did notice you were crying and decided that not calling notice to it would freak you out less. I believe they rarely understand what is going on in someone's head and that is why they either ask questions and want the client to actually tell them.

[LonesomeTonight]

It doesn't sound like a good session if you left feeling badly and didn't feel like your T understood or helped you. Is she often like this? Just wondering if she was trying some new technique with you, thinking it might work, but obviously it didn't. Her saying that your life isn't horrible just seems really patronizing, too. No one knows what someone's life is like unless they're the one living it.

It's different when she's saying you're a good person--my T has said that to me before when I'm feeling bad about myself. And I sometimes doubt that I'm being a good mom to my 4-year-old, too, so she tries to counter that by saying how much I'm doing for her. But she also listens when I say how upset I am about something, and it doesn't sound like your T was doing that. And if she didn't even notice you were crying...

And the whole thing about not giving your journal back sounds like what a mother would do when their kid is being bad--maybe she's having maternal countertransference or something?

I know it's hard for you to talk to her, but I think you need to express in some way--talking, in writing--for next session how this session made you feel. So maybe she can take a different approach with you that will help.

[iheartjacques]

I thought crying was just normal response to distress. Mine just hands over the tissues and keeps talking.

[iheartjacques]

Can you say here what you thought was horrible?

[granite1]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

It doesn't sound like a good session if you left feeling badly and didn't feel like your T understood or helped you. Is she often like this? Just wondering if she was trying some new technique with you, thinking it might work, but obviously it didn't. Her saying that your life isn't horrible just seems really patronizing, too. No one knows what someone's life is like unless they're the one living it.

It's different when she's saying you're a good person--my T has said that to me before when I'm feeling bad about myself. And I sometimes doubt that I'm being a good mom to my 4-year-old, too, so she tries to counter that by saying how much I'm doing for her. But she also listens when I say how upset I am about something, and it doesn't sound like your T was doing that. And if she didn't even notice you were crying...

And the whole thing about not giving your journal back sounds like what a mother would do when their kid is being bad--maybe she's having maternal countertransference or something?

I know it's hard for you to talk to her, but I think you need to express in some way--talking, in writing--for next session how this session made you feel. So maybe she can take a different approach with you that will help.

I don't want to make her sound like she was mean . she was not . I know that part of the problem is im not ready to listen to what she was saying . it hurts . I get so down and then she turns into what I call boot camp (name T) I got that name from an old poster and it fit. but I just don't know if she hears me at all because she goes against everything I am feeling . I tell her im horrible and she asks why and that it isn't true .even if I tell her the most horrific thing . it seems every time I am so down she turns into boot camp T

[granite1]

Originally Posted by iheartjacques

Can you say here what you thought was horrible?

the fact that I don't want to be a mom any more or a wife or a friend . that I cant even feel anything from these people in my life .or that my life is goo and that I am ok. im spoiled and self absorbed. I want to be happy but I cant even when I seem to live a charmed life according to others. I really want to feel what others feel

You are still trying to get her to say you are a horrible person. She's not going to do it, Granite, because it isn't reality. You FEEL that way about yourself, but that doesn't make those feelings actually reality. They are your internal reality; she gets that. But she isn't going to validate those feelings as actual reality. She's working to help you see outside your self-talk.

I can remember telling my T how horrible my life was, etc. He kept working to challenge that thinking by helping me see that in reality, while my life had many, many challenges, it wasn't nearly the horribleness I had working in my head. Over time I learned to do that for myself, but it took years of persistence and practice to get there.

It is wonderful that you were able to stay and continue to communicate with her. It is hard work, but you are doing it.

Originally Posted by granite1

the fact that I don't want to be a mom any more or a wife or a friend . that I cant even feel anything from these people in my life .or that my life is goo and that I am ok. im spoiled and self absorbed. I want to be happy but I cant even when I seem to live a charmed life according to others. I really want to feel what others feel

I highly doubt your therapist thinks, much less said, that you live a charmed life. You say you are horrible; your T is asking you to attempt to see things not so quite in those black and white terms.

It just struck me: you see yourself as ALL horrible--in very black and white terms--no possibility of gray area; you are trying to get your T to think about you in black and white when she sees you in all sorts of shades and is hoping you can recognize that within yourself.

I think that sometimes Ts feel that they have to challenge our thinking, but I think that times to simply understand and accept is more helpful. We can be left feeling misunderstood and even rejected. Perhaps also her challenging you prevented you from exploring your feelings more?

[iheartjacques]

What would you like your T to say or do if you think you are a horrible person and you don't want to be a mother or wife?

[granite1]

Originally Posted by iheartjacques

What would you like your T to say or do if you think you are a horrible person and you don't want to be a mother or wife?

I want very badly for her to teach me the skills to be a good person. I want so much for her to show me how to feel things other then anger, fear and mistrust. I really have no idea how to feel those things . I go through the motions but to feel them . nope

[granite1]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

I highly doubt your therapist thinks, much less said, that you live a charmed life. You say you are horrible; your T is asking you to attempt to see things not so quite in those black and white terms.

It just struck me: you see yourself as ALL horrible--in very black and white terms--no possibility of gray area; you are trying to get your T to think about you in black and white when she sees you in all sorts of shades and is hoping you can recognize that within yourself.

chris you do make me think a lot and as usual I appreciate your straight forward point of view. no she didn't say I live a charmed life . those words were mine and how some family members see me . I know my T was trying to point out that I was ok. that my life isn't falling apart .it is hard for me to see because I know what is going on in my head . she says it is just how I am perceiving things.

I know that she will never see me as horrible as I see who I am and that scares me . how can she help me if she doesn't see it . she asked me to give an example of something that happened with my son that made me a horrible mother . I gave her a very mild example because I am so ashamed of how I feel. my son had called because he had a flat tire far away from home . I stressed so much it was out of control . I was furious about it .way beyond what was acceptable . my T asked why it was such a big deal. that was my point .I shouldn't have reacted like this . im just useless as a mother. this makes me not want to deal any more

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

I think that sometimes Ts feel that they have to challenge our thinking, but I think that times to simply understand and accept is more helpful. We can be left feeling misunderstood and even rejected. Perhaps also her challenging you prevented you from exploring your feelings more?

I think for me it kind of leaves me feeling scared .i don't know why.

Originally Posted by granite1

I know that she will never see me as horrible as I see who I am and that scares me . how can she help me if she doesn't see it .

Let's turn this around and try this on: How can you move forward and find more contentment in life if you can only see yourself as horrible and can't see yourself for the wonderfully caring, sensitive, strong, loving person that you truly are?

Therein lies your (and your therapist's) conundrum.