[Abby]

This is probably going to sound really stupid but I wondered if anyone had any advice to help me.

Earlier there was a minor negative interaction in my house, not an argument but someone got upset over something external to everyone else (something happened to her - wasn't done by anyone) and then as she was upset and acting angry, everyone got drawn into the drama and emotions were high. I'm sensitive so these things throw me of balance, even though there are no arguments as such. I'm being vague I know.

So later things calm down slightly but this family member still wasn't very happy which I know is okay but she wasn't talking to anyone and I got irritated by this. I found it rude that she didn't involve herself in the conversation even when I attempted to actively bring her into it. But she didn't want to talk for whatever reasons she had.

After she leaves, to vent my frustration at the situation I tell my mum that I feel angry when the family member acts rude. Or I more said "I hate it when so and so is rude". My mum didn't say anything - nothing, no sound, no remark, no nothing. Clearly she didn't agree with me, which I understand and is fine but the complete lack of any feedback - even if to say "oh I think she's just a bit stressed out" or whatever would have helped. Acknowledgement I'd spoken at least. Anyway, I waited and waited and nothing - until she said "mmm". Then I was upset at the lack of any response and left the room.

I'm not saying any part of this interaction was right or wrong - it just was, life is complicated. And I know I didn't handle a lot of it well. But now my emotions are high and I feel ignored and I need someone to respond to me.

Okay getting to the actual question - I can't email my therapist just to get it out as she's on a break so although it would be cathartic just to email, she'll read in three weeks later and it'll just clogg up her inbox. Plus I want to deal with this without using a therapist. I messaged my friend and told her I was annoyed and she was lovely - but it hasn't helped and its been maybe 4 hours now since this all happened. It's hard because then the self harm urges escalate.

How do I make myself feel heard when I have no one to talk to? I don't want to go over this with other friends, as it isn't that big a deal but how would you feel better in this situation? I can't imagine what my therapist would say - maybe do something nice? But that wouldn't make me feel heard - which is what I want.

Apologies that this is quite a cryptic and convoluted story, any help is appreciated.

[SoupDragon]

Just wanted to let you know I've read your post and get the feeling of being unnoticed. It sounds like you did a good thing in ringing your friend.

Is there anyway you call tell your mum how you feel about her lack of response,
? ( although I know that isn't always easy).

Soup

Personally, if I find myself triggered by other people's reactions, what works best for me is to just put some distance between myself and the situation until I can center myself a bit.

I've found when people are silent about things, it is much more about them than it is about me. Something is going on with them and I just need to allow them the space to work that out for themselves. Yes, it is hard to feel ignored, but if I can reframe my view to realizing that is their stuff and their issues, not mine, my anxiety and anger about feeling ignored usually disappates.

Sometimes I don't have to be heard by anyone but myself. If I can be right with myself and how I am feeling, that is enough. A little space and time usually can get me to that "right" place within myself and then that urge to have other people have to hear me really isn't so strong because I can make my own peace with things.

[unaluna]

Yeah sounds like your mom isnt very good at handling these kinds of discussions.

Anyway, when you said you hate when x is rude - to me, thats saying something about an aftereffect thats TOO far down the line. Its like saying you hate that the global ice caps are melting when really somebody forgot to turn off the lights again.

Maybe if you had said to your mom, gee that whole thing this morning kinda upset the whole household, i still feel on edge, can i have a hug? (Or a cookie! I originally wrote cookie. ) Then you address what is REALLY going on, your mom doesnt feel like she has to choose who is right (was x rude or not?).

The other issue I see here is that your Mom probably doesn't want to put herself in the middle of your conflict with this other family member. She may be choosing to remain silent to just keep out of it. Biting her tongue so to speak. It might be the better of two evils perhaps.

[Perna]

I think you have to work on how to soothe yourself? When you don't feel heard, you have to talk to yourself and a journal or diary or just scribbling, etc. can help me. Or, I talk out loud, get a couple voices going discussing the issue and after awhile the whole situation will make me laugh at myself and ease my sense of injustice.

Why do you have to be heard by other people? Other people have their own things going on as you have noted and they don't appear to be very useful to you? Like hankster said, sounds like your mom is not very good at it? Instead of looking for agreement on how you feel (that so-and-so was rude by not responding/accepting your outreach) from outside yourself, give it to yourself from the inside. I suspect your friend who was "lovely" was disappointing because she wasn't there and her agreement with you doesn't mean that much? It is okay to want to be agreed with, everyone wants that, but seeking it and expecting it and being disappointed when we don't get it from others is a little like setting one's self up to fail since we can't control other people and their thoughts, feelings, and actions, only our own.

[Abby]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Is there anyway you call tell your mum how you feel about her lack of response?

Thank you for replying and understanding. I could do but I don't think it would benefit the situation, is overly required. She does understand I'm sensitive and is generally tries to understand if she can.

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Sometimes I don't have to be heard by anyone but myself. If I can be right with myself and how I am feeling, that is enough. A little space and time usually can get me to that "right" place within myself and then that urge to have other people have to hear me really isn't so strong because I can make my own peace with things.

Thank you for your advice. This may seem silly but how do you take space and centre yourself? I feel I need to be better at hearing myself and not relying on other people so much, but I don't know how to hear myself. Usually my way to communicate with myself is to self harm. What do you do?

Originally Posted by hankster

Yeah sounds like your mom isnt very good at handling these kinds of discussions.

Anyway, when you said you hate when x is rude - to me, thats saying something about an aftereffect thats TOO far down the line. Its like saying you hate that the global ice caps are melting when really somebody forgot to turn off the lights again.

Maybe if you had said to your mom, gee that whole thing this morning kinda upset the whole household, i still feel on edge, can i have a hug? (Or a cookie! I originally wrote cookie. ) Then you address what is REALLY going on, your mom doesnt feel like she has to choose who is right (was x rude or not?).

Oh that is really helpful. Yes I knew that the reason she didn't respond is that she didn't want to take sides (as it likely sounded like I wanted that). I don't think I did want her to agree with me as such which is why I would have been fine her saying that x is stressed out...I think what I wanted more was that I was feeling high in emotions and I didn't know what to do with it. I could have asked for a hug, rather than seeming as though I wanted to debate it because really I didn't. That's useful - do you think if I communicated better then I wouldn't feel unheard/wouldn't be in this current situation? Does it rely on me being able to negotiate this? It's silly but sometimes I think I want something but don't always know what it is...I wish my mum had understood and helped me.

Originally Posted by lolagrace

The other issue I see here is that your Mom probably doesn't want to put herself in the middle of your conflict with this other family member. She may be choosing to remain silent to just keep out of it. Biting her tongue so to speak. It might be the better of two evils perhaps.

Yes I understood that is why she didn't speak. I understood that at the time, so a big part of me felt bad for being a bit of a ****** and saying what I did because in all honesty the family member was just upset and in family and able to act a bit bratish - but that is not how she is normally at all. We all have days like that and I should have cut her some slack! And I know I shouldn't have asked that of my mum...it was just hard when I was pretty overwhelmed emotionally and it made me stumble and communicate badly then every part of the communication broke down and I was alone...and feeling aware that I was being a bit of a brat myself!

Originally Posted by Perna

I think you have to work on how to soothe yourself? When you don't feel heard, you have to talk to yourself and a journal or diary or just scribbling, etc. can help me. Or, I talk out loud, get a couple voices going discussing the issue and after awhile the whole situation will make me laugh at myself and ease my sense of injustice.

Why do you have to be heard by other people? Other people have their own things going on as you have noted and they don't appear to be very useful to you? Like hankster said, sounds like your mom is not very good at it? Instead of looking for agreement on how you feel (that so-and-so was rude by not responding/accepting your outreach) from outside yourself, give it to yourself from the inside. I suspect your friend who was "lovely" was disappointing because she wasn't there and her agreement with you doesn't mean that much? It is okay to want to be agreed with, everyone wants that, but seeking it and expecting it and being disappointed when we don't get it from others is a little like setting one's self up to fail since we can't control other people and their thoughts, feelings, and actions, only our own.

I really want to be able to hear myself but I genuinely don't know how. I welcome any advice. For a long time I have communicated to myself through self harm - this situation would have made me go away to cut or whatever...because then I say to myself "bad for asking too much - bad for not being understanding - but yes I feel alone and upset and alone - look and see, I do feel this, maybe others don't see it and respond to it but I can see it by this cut (or whatever). And I really get that is pretty silly. Yes, I think I'm relying on others then feeling let down when they don't match me completely. It is a vicious circle, I want to be able to see this sort of situation for what it is and calm myself and feel justified in my feelings, not my actions (because I said and did things wrong) but it is okay to feel upset that my family member didn't talk to me (I like her to be happy and it upsets me when she isn't and I can't do anything about it). I have tried to journal and that does help me with bigger things but not these small interactions so much...although maybe I expect my feelings to go - does that happen? May be I could try talking to myself in different voices - how do you do that in a busy family environment?

Thank you for all your insight. I want to hear myself, I'm really struggling with being able to do that. It's always been an issue for me.