Do not diagnose others or tell others how they should have acted

I think that is where the problem often occurs. Someone makes a thread asking questions about their situation, but when people honestly reply and the poster realizes people don't perceive their situation the way they do, they become offended. But this is a public forum made up of dozens of active posters with different backgrounds, different experiences, different issues, different takes on life. To expect everyone to completely agree with you just isn't realistic.

If you ask questions, then either be willing to hear a variety of opinions because that is what you are going to inevitably get, or take the responsibility from the start to define what you are looking for in replies. But if this forum is only about echoing what posters have already said, what really is the point of conversation.

I get that at times people just need to vent. Then say that from the start and request no opinions about your vent. We've all been there; we get that.

I get that at times people need opinions but know they are in a fragile state. I respect and appreciate those that say that and clearly ask for gentle replies. They are being proactive for themselves and helpful to those of us that reply. We've all been there; we get that.

But if a poster posts and asks questions without any caveat about what kind of replies they are looking for, so long as the replies are not abusive or harrassing in nature (and I've seen them get that way so I'm not saying they don't), then that should be okay. If you realize after replies start coming in that you've changed your mind and you really don't want honest opinions (and I can see how that happens), rather than getting angry with replies that aren't mean but simply have a different take on a situation that you aren't ready to look at, then just acknowledge that and clarify what you are looking for in responses. Alternately you can ask to have your thread closed or removed if it has become too triggering for you. You can place certain posters on ignore if their replies are too upsetting to you.

We can't be expected to read minds and know what posters want, nor should we be reprimanded for posting replies, often carefully thought out, that aren't deemed supportive when they were meant to be and intended to be, but simply not received that way because they don't concur with what the OP was really wanting to hear. If you asked people to define what support is, I suspect we would get a wide variety of responses, and I also suspect people would admit that even their own idea of what support they need varies with their own situation.

We do the best we can here in our very fallable, human way.

A problem I see is that we don't all agree on what is mean. I see things I think are mean all the time. It doesn't matter if the responder did not intend meanness (often they announce they are jast being real or direct or trying to give harsh but helpful feedback or whatever). I am one of the ones who stopped starting threads that aren't just questions because of how everyone wanted to analyze me or tell me to quit despite me saying I was not looking for that.

Supportive doesnt mean agree with, necessarily. If somebody feels bad about something, what is there to agree with? You can say, i understand why you would feel that way. Or, yeah that would make me feel lonely too, or whatever. That might open up a dialogue on the main feeling (lonely) rather than the person's "rightness" in feeling lonely. Whether you are right or wrong to feel lonely - ??? - you still FEEL lonely. Or whatever.

When people disagree it is sometimes viewed as unsupportive.

Most people are ok with disagreement and different opinions but some aren't, either cannot handle due to whatever is their struggle it or are in a wrong place in life to be in disagreement. They should be able to occasionally vent without others offering suggestion. Then we could avoid being called unsupportive and people get what they need.

I know it is not ideal, but I'd rather people do that than all of us worry about being in trouble when we give an opinion .

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I thought we should give an opinion when one asks for it but it appears that people get upset when opinion is not what they expected and then trouble arises. That's why I suggested when people just want to vent they do so without asking for opinions

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Isn't that what the Dear T thread is for? It's a discussion forum, why post a thread in the first place if you're not interested in discussion?

I don't think anyone should be getting in trouble for offering an opinion. If someone doesn't want to hear another's opinions there is always the ignore feature.

I still don't see a good reason for this reprimand. If the thread in question is offensive why hasn't it been closed?

Mostly I, for example, just want to be heard. I don't want to be given advice or told what I should do. I feel lonelier when everyone piles on and tells me why my feelings are wrong or what I should do instead. Often I actually do know what for me I should do. I even usually know I will eventually do it. But here, I just want to be able hear about what others do and get to tell what I do without criticism.

And, If someone doesn't want to hear another's opinions, they shouldn't ASK for them.

And when someone says they don't want them, they should not have them foisted upon them.

How is giving an opinion, being supportive?

If you agree with the OP, I guess.....

I don't think it so much the giving of the opinion - any conversation that goes beyond how-are-you-good-and-you? consists of a sharing of opinions. It's the difference between 'I think you might' and 'I think you must' that's the crux of the issue.

Aha. I think I understand now.

That is why I try to stick with "I think I would...."

I actually think I get it now.

The initial post in this thread is instructing me how to behave... expecting that I will open-mindedly review this advice and use it to modify any unhealthy behavior... behavior that I may not have seen myself. I needed someone else to point it out me. Good thing someone posted something contrary to the way I was seeing this situation, or I may not have made this connection today.

The irony is hilarious, but I'm actually serious. Growth can be found in the strangest of places.

It IS difficult to come up with an alternative to "you might or you must". Totally out of the box thinking! I cant think of anything offhand right now, but maybe someone else can and will post soon. But i wanted to let you know someone read your post.

Eta - how about - "i like the way you asked the person to blah blah blah. That showed real gumption."

Eta 2 - this is something i often struggle with myself. i dont respond to a lot of posts."

What about telling how you think you would handle such a situation and why it works for you? Or pointing to books or whatever on the subject? Or just saying yes the same thing happened to me when x." Or just "yes that sounds awful" or "I understand it feels bad right now" ? There are a lot of choices other than "you should or might or must"

haha, interesting reply

It depends on the individual post and poster though. Some people I feel comfortable being emphatic about my opinion with, some not.

I think I try to do this too.