[thepeaceisinthegrey]

Hi everyone. I normally don't start the threads here but do offer a lot of support so I am hoping for some in return.

The week before last, my T cancelled our Thursday and Friday appointments. Her mom was sick so I was totally fine with it. But this past week she tells me on Thursday, "I can't see you tomorrow." I was like "WHAT?" Apparently it was the last day of school for her boys and they had a "half day" so she couldn't see me. Ok...so first of all....she didn't know this more than the day in advance and couldn't make arrangements? And second...she knows that this is an EXTREMELY rough time for me and I feel like she doesn't care. She didn't offer to check in with me on the phone or anything. I am just so pissed off that I don't know what to do. These have not been the only times she has cancelled last minute on me. I have NEVER done that to her. UGH!!!

Sorry for the rant everyone. Thanks for listening.

[ThisWayOut]

That's frustrating. Have you mentioned how it makes you feel?

[BayBrony]

I'm sorry this is happening. She must have known ahead of time about the school half day and it seems unfair to spring it on you last minute. Personally I would have been too upset to ask for a phone session or something. I am not sure how to help but i understand how upsetting it would be

[divine1966]

It is frustrating! Her mom was sick unexpectedly but kids don't hsve unexpected half days

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[thepeaceisinthegrey]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

That's frustrating. Have you mentioned how it makes you feel?

Yes. She knows I am very upset about it which makes it worse that she didn't offer to do any phone check ins. She is supposed to ask me every day if I can contract for safety because I have been very suicidal but she didn't do that on Thursday. Therefore I made no promise to her

Possible trigger:

which makes me want to take an entire bottle of pills.

[thepeaceisinthegrey]

Originally Posted by BayBrony

I'm sorry this is happening. She must have known ahead of time about the school half day and it seems unfair to spring it on you last minute. Personally I would have been too upset to ask for a phone session or something. I am not sure how to help but i understand how upsetting it would be

Originally Posted by divine1966

It is frustrating! Her mom was sick unexpectedly but kids don't hsve unexpected half days

Exactly! I know she knew about the half day. It wasn't even a "half" day. They got out at 10:30...that makes no sense. I am sick to my stomach.

[JaneTennison1]

I'd tell her I have a late cancellation policy and less than 2 days notice incurs a $20 fee.

I'm sorry this is rough and all jokes aside I would mention this.

[thepeaceisinthegrey]

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

I'd tell her I have a late cancellation policy and less than 2 days notice incurs a $20 fee.

I'm sorry this is rough and all jokes aside I would mention this.

I think she'd owe me $300 by now! But I will mention it...if we cancel on her we have to pay...it only seems fair.

[SoupDragon]

I would be really hurt if T did this to me.

Has she cancelled at other times?

[ScarletPimpernel]

Why don't you contact her and tell her how you're feeling. You do the checking in, especially if checking in is already agreed upon.

[unaluna]

Idk, sounds like she decided to start her holiday weekend early. Usually a t will discuss it with you, let you know if they will be reachable, or give you someone else to contact.

Someone will definitely be here all weekend, you dont have to worry about that. t

I would have assumed that the boys' father or somebody else was supposed to pick them up from school but that something happened so she had to do it... not to make excuses for her, because she needs to be consistent with her patients, but I imagine that kind of thing is hard to get away from for a parent.

But I really do understand that it is upsetting. I would find it very tough to deal with.

She does seem to have a casual attitude to continuity. I have never had a T cancel on me. The Ts I have seen have believed that the regularity of the sessions is important and gives a stability to the process. My Ts have always considered that breaks have an impact and they always gave a lot of notice about breaks and discussed them. I felt an impact when I varied the frequency of my appoinments, I trialled going twice a week and couldn't decide if I wanted to do that because of the cost, so I chopped and changed a bit and that created some difficulties. That showed me that I need consistancy and regularity, either sticking to once a week or sticking to twice a week.

[Creative ToFu]

If this cancelling behavior is something new that has happened with her lately, she may be under expreme stress from her mother, and like regular people, the 1/2 day may have been forgotten due to her mind being on her mom. But this is in no way to excuse her behavior, she should be a little more sorry for her last minute actions and try to get you into another appointment.
I know when my dad was dying, I wasn't the best of me at my job either. These things do happen, but she should make it up to you at least.

[PinkFlamingo99]

If she had a regular job she couldn't cancel all the time. This should be the same, or even more so.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

She does seem to have a casual attitude to continuity. I have never had a T cancel on me. The Ts I have seen have believed that the regularity of the sessions is important and gives a stability to the process. My Ts have always considered that breaks have an impact and they always gave a lot of notice about breaks and discussed them.

My T doesn't feel this way. Or maybe only when it's convenient. She canceled and/or rescheduled practically the entire month of February due to problems at home, (and I see her twice a week, not once) and it was very hard on me. I blame that on our rupture now. I KNOW had that situation never happened, our rupture wouldn't have either. So that changed my life, not for the better, either. My T knew I was having a hard time, I needed some consistency, predictability, stability.... and she said something about this being a lesson in life. That life in general does not have these things, so her canceling sessions was good practice to learn to accept that. Um, ok. Well, I accepted it, but I do not accept that our entire therapeutic relationship changed because of it. I wish I could "re-do" February.

ETA: I DO agree with her on her theory about life not being predictable, etc. But I think life is where I can learn that, not during my intense therapy sessions, when it's convenient for her. I thought the same as someone mentioned above. If she didn't work for herself, she most likely wouldn't have been able to do this as often as she did. But, that was a very rough time for her...I know that. Although I probably shouldn't, eh?

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by thepeaceisinthegrey

Yes. She knows I am very upset about it which makes it worse that she didn't offer to do any phone check ins. She is supposed to ask me every day if I can contract for safety because I have been very suicidal but she didn't do that on Thursday. Therefore I made no promise to her

There's nothing worse than being cancelled on when you feel close to the edge like this.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by thepeaceisinthegrey

Exactly! I know she knew about the half day. It wasn't even a "half" day. They got out at 10:30...that makes no sense. I am sick to my stomach.

At my school half day is exactly 10:30 and sometimes it is 11. Depends. so it is very possible.

Problem is she knew ahead of time. She might be a bad planner. Question is are you planning on continue with her or look for somebody more reliable?

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Originally Posted by musinglizzy

My T doesn't feel this way. Or maybe only when it's convenient. She canceled and/or rescheduled practically the entire month of February due to problems at home, (and I see her twice a week, not once) and it was very hard on me. I blame that on our rupture now. I KNOW had that situation never happened, our rupture wouldn't have either. So that changed my life, not for the better, either. My T knew I was having a hard time, I needed some consistency, predictability, stability.... and she said something about this being a lesson in life. That life in general does not have these things, so her canceling sessions was good practice to learn to accept that. Um, ok. Well, I accepted it, but I do not accept that our entire therapeutic relationship changed because of it. I wish I could "re-do" February.

ETA: I DO agree with her on her theory about life not being predictable, etc. But I think life is where I can learn that, not during my intense therapy sessions, when it's convenient for her. I thought the same as someone mentioned above. If she didn't work for herself, she most likely wouldn't have been able to do this as often as she did. But, that was a very rough time for her...I know that. Although I probably shouldn't, eh?

I agree that life is unpredictable and unstable. I don't really like the way your T excused her cancelling with this. I think that therapy is supposed to give us consistancy and stability that we may have been denied in our childhood.

[thepeaceisinthegrey]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

I would be really hurt if T did this to me.

Has she cancelled at other times?

Yes, she has cancelled like this many times before. Have consideration for me and call me the night before and not 30 minutes before my appointment! I mean seriously...WTF!

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Why don't you contact her and tell her how you're feeling. You do the checking in, especially if checking in is already agreed upon.

I tried. I sent her an email at 6am this morning and have not heard anything back. I'm over it. She hasn't had 5 minutes out of her whole day to reply? GGRRRRRR.

[SkyscraperMeow]

Maybe, if your T keeps cancelling, you should find someone else to give money to. I get that you feel awful, and suicidal feelings are serious.

But personally, I think your life is worth more than someone who is taking advantage of your vulnerability to treat you badly. I think you deserve better.

Unfortunately, the only way you can get better is if you demand better. And you demand better by letting your therapist know what treatment you expect from her, and if she can't handle being a professional, you no longer need her services.

Because there are therapists that don't suck, don't cancel at short notice, don't reinforce their client's feelings of low self worth by treating them as if they don't matter - and you'll feel better with one of them.

[nervous puppy]

How long have you been with this therapist? Is this something that's been an issue just recently? Or has it been happening for some time now?
I think you need and deserve an explanation for these cancelations.
I also think it would be good for you to explore the possibility of a new t.

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

[thepeaceisinthegrey]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Problem is she knew ahead of time. She might be a bad planner. Question is are you planning on continue with her or look for somebody more reliable?

Originally Posted by nervous puppy

How long have you been with this therapist? Is this something that's been an issue just recently? Or has it been happening for some time now?
I think you need and deserve an explanation for these cancelations.
I also think it would be good for you to explore the possibility of a new t.

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

I have been with her for almost 3 years. These cancellations never used to bother me but now that I am in dire need of her, I am becoming extremely upset. I know her mom is sick but we've known that for awhile and she has never missed appointments because of it before. I think this half day excuse was just that...an excuse. If she didn't want to work, she should have just said so. If I was doing fine then I wouldn't be so bothered. UGH! I don't know what to do.

[laxer12]

I completely understand that therapists are people with families and their own lives but...they should understand that for their job, they work with people who need support and a consistent relationship. Most of us are in therapy because of some kind of failed relationship(s) in our past and therapists are supposed to help us through that by providing a trusting and stable relationship.

My T has canceled on me once and I was pretty upset but she quickly rescheduled with me when I requested another time that week. She understood that our meetings are important to me and worked me into her busy schedule.

I think you deserve better than what your T is giving you. Maybe she needs some time for herself to deal with her personal life but that should not stop you from getting what you need, a supportive and reliable therapist.