[withit]

So I lost a lot of sleep last night, worrying about asking my t for a reduced fee. Really, what was the big fear behind my worry? The fear that she would say ''no'' and then I'd be so lost....

I'm realizing, sometimes I need help from people and hesitate to ask, for fear that I will be told ''no''.

I'm trying to understand this fear of hearing 'no' and how do I get myself to ask anyway. Is it that if I hear 'no' I feel I am 'bad'? Or that I am feeling so vulnerable and the 'no' makes me feel even more helpless and alone?

Has anyone any insight into this?

[sunrise]

withit, I also don't like to make myself vulnerable and be told "no." For me, it is fear of rejection. Rejection hurts, and if I don't ask, then I don't make myself open to rejection. But I know I end up missing out on a lot of the positive in life, because I am too scared to ask. I think I have just been rejected too much. I guess if I can achieve a certain level of trust with a person, then I could ask. But it takes me a long time to get there. I totally need work on this.

That's why it took me 2134231 years to ask my T for two sessions per week-- fear that he would say no. Fear of rejection.

[lauren_helene]

I see what you mean withit. I'm being told no every minute that goes by since my call to T...

Being vulnerable for me isn't good. It worked for you and I'm glad!

[withit]

So here are two situations I find myself in, and I'm afraid to ask for help, for fear of being told 'no':

#1 I've been physically unwell for some time and I really need to take a break. I have two siblings in my city and would love to ask them to take one of my children for the weekend. Yet, I fear the 'no' will sting so bad, so I don't ask for their help. Maybe cuz I've been told no in the recent past.
On the other hand, I have a friend who I do not hesitate to ask cuz she nearly always says yes. And if she says no it's cuz she really can't. But almost always yes.

#2 I am in desperate need of counseling help with one of my children. I think to call an acquaintance who has the dough to spare, and tell her about the situation I'm faced with with my daughter and ask if she could possibly help out. Yet I am terrified of being told no after exposing my need.

Oh well.

[SecretGarden]

Have you done your siblings favors in the past? Irregardless I think that anyone would understand as you have so appropriately voiced here that you have been run down and really need help to get back on your feet. I just took a week off of work for several reasons... one of which was that I had been sick for 3 weeks and I was exhausted.

Is your daughter in need of counseling difficult to handle or is there some reason that they should say no to you?

I think that you could write them an email even... and say what you have here. You are run down and really just need them to help you. If they can not help you now perhaps they will be able to soon or in some other way. Why did they decline recently? Do you know?

If the sibs have kids perhaps you can facilitate success with some kind of reciprocation at a future date??

Can your daughter get any counseling assistance through school. Is her dad anywhere about and can he help out financially with her? I am guessing he might not be in the picture if he is not able to help with her for a weekend. Just asking. Any chance that you might qualify for some special program for her through a local university as a learning tool for them? It depends on her needs... but if someone that you call says no you might ask them if they have any ideas for who else might help. That way you can just go on an information fact finding expedition... not just yes or no. Might that assist?

I do understand your thoughts though... I would wonder if I should have asked, if I had right... I feel this when I ask one or another brother to help me with something. I am quite selective in my requests as I do not wish to spread them too thin or make it so I can not ask when I need to . It is difficult...I know.

Best wishes for you to be able to get some recoup time.

Withit, I'm wondering if you've had the experience of getting a 'no' before?

I am just trying to understand where this came from.

Have you gotten 'no's' before or have you mostly just avoided the questions for fear of getting a 'no' ?

Do you have a general fear of rejection in other instances?

I will share a bit of my pathetic-ness to help you feel better. I am so scared to hear the word 'no' that sometimes I won't even ask my husband a simple question like, "Do you want to order a pizza?" I will dance around the question for like 15 minutes, in order to get him to ask it. Even the simplest question risks the answer 'no,' and what that means to me is that there is a disconnect-- I want something, and he doesn't. I actually took a risk tonight, and straight out asked, "DO YOU WANT PIZZA?" He said, "Yes. That is a good idea." I am pitiful.

[SecretGarden]

Interesting (and valid for me I think) observation about the disconnect.

I am also so sensitive in regards to rejection.... it's like if my husband says he doesn't want pizza, or doesn't want to go to the store-- then he rejected me. Rationally, I know that he is rejecting the pizza, the store. But my unconscious takes the blow, and I feel like he is rejecting me. I think it is because I do not individuate well. I often see myself as part of my husband.... but not in a well-integrated way... and if he doesn't want something that I want-- something that was my idea-- then part of me has disengaged. I feel ashamed that I suggested it in the first place. I have a difficult time recognizing our separate autonomies. If you don't want this, then you don't want me. We are disconnected.