[dismantle.repair]

I've asked to see my old T because something's come up.
Over the last 2 years, I developed an ED. I'm getting worried just typing this out.
I'm incredibly ashamed about it. So much so that it seems like something holds my tongue when I even try to mention it. So I've gone to sessions with the intent of telling her, but never did.
I've tried writing it down but couldn't bring myself to give it to her.
She's not very great with email, so that's out.

I'm so afraid to open this up.

[RedSun]

Try writing it down again, if you can. I find that it helps if I seal it all up in an envelope (or three ) then I am not tempted to keep re- reading it and destroy it. Maybe if you could tell her at the start of a session that you have something written to give her she will find a way to make it easier.

[ruh roh]

Can you take an article or book with you that relates to your ED and tell her it's the only way you could find to bring this up? Then at least she knows what you're dealing with.

[dismantle.repair]

Thanks for your replies.
Just thinking about this makes me sick. I'm so scared to bring this up.. Or consider the work that will come out of this. I thought I was ready to talk about it, but I guess not.

I give up.

[Victoria'smom]

2 seconds that's all you need

[Restin]

I'm not sure what you mean by asking to see "old T again." Did you part on good terms and invitation to return if you wish? That's so important to feel T's acceptance in general when you have such sensitive feelings at stake. I had this with my T and it was her kindliness and acceptance that helped me open up. Even so, it took a long time. It will happen when it's ready and best not to push it too hard. I wanted so much to talk about it that it tortured me and I kept trying to find a way. I kind of slinked in the topic through the side door by asking T questions somewhat related, or about other people. That way I got some idea of her policy before asking directly. T's often know what you want to say way ahead, but are careful not to get ahead of you.
I hope you can go back and get into this with your T, as it's really important for healing.

[RedCedar]

Hey Love,
I don't normally respond to threads on here, but your struck a chord with me. I felt so so much shame about my ED in the beginning. Eventually I was called out for it, and kind of forced to talk about it. That was traumatic at the time, but it's gotten SO much easier to talk about it over time. Right now, you have a choice to talk about it on purpose! No one's forcing you, and you are in control.

What are your fears around telling her? Sometimes naming them takes away a little bit of their power.

Could you practice writing the letter to your T and then sending it to me? Just a random stranger who doesn't know who you are, and has an ED (in recovery) myself? If it helps, I can even tell you some of my super-shame ED moments.

Please let me know if there's any way I can support you in reaching out. You don't have to live with your ED forever, and it's so so hard to make things get better without any help.

[musinglizzy]

I seemed to pick one up a couple years ago myself. I never brought it up to T, but she's noticed weight loss here and there and put two and two together, so I did briefly talk about it. You can say what you want, and leave out the rest. I am kind of brushing it off for now. She asks me occasionally if I'm eating, and that's it. She knows not to push it. I wear clothes to therapy that aren't form fitting, but she will say something when she hugs me. I can't get away with sweatshirts anymore, that's when I feel most comfortable...when I'm wearing a hoodie.

I know for me sometimes therapy makes me feel like I've lost control, actually, but really, YOU control what comes out of your mouth. I think when you're truly ready to talk about it, it will just come out. Although there are some things I've said to T in a letter/Email too, because some things, I know need to be shared, and I'm just unable to say it out loud. Sharing that way has actually helped me share more by talking. Because I realize her reaction has been "safe." They've pretty much heard it all.

[dismantle.repair]

Originally Posted by Restin

I'm not sure what you mean by asking to see "old T again." Did you part on good terms and invitation to return if you wish? That's so important to feel T's acceptance in general when you have such sensitive feelings at stake. I had this with my T and it was her kindliness and acceptance that helped me open up. Even so, it took a long time. It will happen when it's ready and best not to push it too hard. I wanted so much to talk about it that it tortured me and I kept trying to find a way. I kind of slinked in the topic through the side door by asking T questions somewhat related, or about other people. That way I got some idea of her policy before asking directly. T's often know what you want to say way ahead, but are careful not to get ahead of you.
I hope you can go back and get into this with your T, as it's really important for healing.

We did part on good terms. We both acknowledged that we'd done alot of work together, and I got stuck and was unable to move from there. I know she's accepting; she doesn't seem to be rattled by much. I just don't know how to bring this up. She must have noticed the weight loss, but never said anything.
She's always seemed to have an idea of what I'm going to say... I often wonder if she knows and is just waiting for me to say something.

Originally Posted by RedCedar

Hey Love,
I don't normally respond to threads on here, but your struck a chord with me. I felt so so much shame about my ED in the beginning. Eventually I was called out for it, and kind of forced to talk about it. That was traumatic at the time, but it's gotten SO much easier to talk about it over time. Right now, you have a choice to talk about it on purpose! No one's forcing you, and you are in control.

What are your fears around telling her? Sometimes naming them takes away a little bit of their power.

Could you practice writing the letter to your T and then sending it to me? Just a random stranger who doesn't know who you are, and has an ED (in recovery) myself? If it helps, I can even tell you some of my super-shame ED moments.

Please let me know if there's any way I can support you in reaching out. You don't have to live with your ED forever, and it's so so hard to make things get better without any help.

Thank you for saying this.
I'm unsure of what I'm afraid of... To be judged? To have to talk about it? I know she won't judge me.. I know I'm afraid of it. But I'm so much more ashamed of this than anything else I've ever done. "Yeah, just btw T, I'm bulimic. And I'm pretty sure it's messed with my health."
I think I'm also partially afraid opening up this can of worms.

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

I seemed to pick one up a couple years ago myself. I never brought it up to T, but she's noticed weight loss here and there and put two and two together, so I did briefly talk about it. You can say what you want, and leave out the rest. I am kind of brushing it off for now. She asks me occasionally if I'm eating, and that's it. She knows not to push it. I wear clothes to therapy that aren't form fitting, but she will say something when she hugs me. I can't get away with sweatshirts anymore, that's when I feel most comfortable...when I'm wearing a hoodie.

I know for me sometimes therapy makes me feel like I've lost control, actually, but really, YOU control what comes out of your mouth. I think when you're truly ready to talk about it, it will just come out. Although there are some things I've said to T in a letter/Email too, because some things, I know need to be shared, and I'm just unable to say it out loud. Sharing that way has actually helped me share more by talking. Because I realize her reaction has been "safe." They've pretty much heard it all.

The problem with that is that I want to deal with it. I'm so terribly skittish about everything, and she generally has to press me for information because I hate opening up; but I do.