I cant take my mask off ...

I walk in all happy happy...discuss my problems...whatever my T suggests..i make excuses that it can not be done...it will only create more problems for me...

i want to be authentic...but i treat this relationship with T just like any other ..by being a bit fake.
i wonder if i really do fool him like i do others in my outside life.
i must be an expert at it..if i am fooling a professional.
He hasnt said anything regarding it yet. i have had about 10 sessions so far.

He doesnt encourage writing letters, prefers that you speak.
i have a session coming up next week. i am journaling alot to clear out my mind and thoughts.
i feel bad for shooting down all his suggestions in last session...i really could try some of them. just that its stepping out of my comfort zone and taking a risk..so i immediately made an excuse...oh no..not that..no way..that would be a disaster.i know how this person would react if i express my feelings.
in reality, its worth the try...forget about the other persons reaction...atleast its something i got off my chest. other person can do as they wish.

so should i apologize for not really listening to him in last session and then give my feedback?

anyone else in this boat with me...do u have ur mask on or off?
i completely understand that its uselss for me to go...with my mask ON...but i am trying to take this mask off.
i do trust him..maybe its a need for him to like me and not think i am stupid...? no idea what it is..i am trying to declutter my mind...

It can take yeaes to lower or even know what our defences are. But a T will good knowledge of the subject can still see who we are.
A mask is still a bit of you. It's not something you've bought to cover your face. It's created by you. So showing it can also help T see how you use your defences. I wouldn't worry about it. It's all as it should be. Give it time.

Yeah, I cant take my mask off either. It's a human condition really. When things get bad enough for me that I just have to express something "really real" then I will write about it when I'm alone and bring it in and read it out loud during a session. It's funny because even when I write something specifically to bring it in and speak the words, sometimes I cant. Anyways, I have gotten a lot out of bringing in written material I think... just feels a bit lame to have to read some pre-prepared material :-).

I think you are listening, hence this concern of yours. Therapy has set up a situation where you can see how your responses aren't meeting your needs or desires. It's a basic defense to push your therapist away by immediately deciding all suggestions won't work, that you know the answers before the questions are fully asked or the suggestions are tried in this instance. I don't think your T is surprised or offended. I'd pick a suggestion from his next batch and say something like, "maybe I'll give that one a try" and explain why you picked that one and what you expect to find from trying it and what you are afraid or hope you might find instead, etc.

I still won't go in looking like my real self. 2.5 years.

What style of theraoy are you having? Is it CBT? I'm wondering if part of the problem could be the style of therapy? I would not wish a T to be making suggestions of what I could do, and I would probably not take well to any suggestions. My therapy is not like this. We just talk. I don't think I have much of a mask on, (but actually I find your question thought provoking and I'm going to think about whether I do actually have a mask on and haven't noticed it). We just talk about my life and my feelings and stuff. I don't think that my T will ever make suggestions to me, but some things have changed in my life since I started therapy. I feel different and that has made me do things differently. My T is psychodynamic and humanistic.