Awful First PDoc Appt.

I've just been to see a pdoc for the first time and to be honest it went terribly. I feel even more unsure about myself and my feelings.

She went through the basic questions and I told her about my social anxiety and anxiety in general. She asked me for some reason about giving presentations and I told her how awful they were for me when I did have to do them. I dont have to do them anymore so I dont know why it was relevant. Then at the end of the appointment she said I could try joining a toastmasters club to practice...?? Which I would never do but it doesnt even matter because I wont be doing any in the near future.

When we talked about my depression it seemed as though she didnt think it was that bad... that I wasnt "in too bad of a depressive state". I felt kind of passed off with this. I struggle to be happy every day and this has been going on for 10 plus years. I have thoughts of suicide lately and I struggle with self harm. I literally hate myself everyday. It seems as though because I am sleeping okay and still going to work nobody really thinks it's serious? I'm tired of feeling nothing, avoiding emotions and being numb all the time.

When we spoke about medication it seemed like she kind of left it to me. She said I could try increasing the Wellbutrin and see how that works... and if the anxiety doesnt get better through exercise and a good diet you could try adding an SSRI to the mix. Is she not supposed to actually offer up a recommendation? Maybe she just thinks I'm overreacting and things arent that bad.

I just feel defeated and like there is no point to this anymore. Maybe I am just destined to living a life feeling blah all the time and thats normal and thats just me. Im so frustrated and I just want to give all this up. I guess I will just go on living like was before floating through life trying not to feel anything because it's too hard.

I'm sorry that you had such an a experience. My first pdoc appointment was awful, but thankfully I listened to my gut and left her for the pdoc I have now. If one doesn't work keep on trying. You will find one that feels right to you.

Are you in therapy? A lot of what you describe sounds like issues that therapy could assist you with, probably moreso than medications. Perhaps that is what the pdoc was thinking also? Not sure.

I am, yes. It's been ten weeks or so but so far dont feel much better. Im also running out of money to pay for it.

Ten weeks is a very short time really for therapy to start working. I hope you can find a way to continue with therapy a bit more long-term.

I hope so too. I'm taking on a second job just to pay for it. Im just irritated as Ive gone my whole life resisting medication that has been suggested and now that Im on it its like oh well maybe you arent that bad.

I'm sorry that your Pdoc doesn’t seem to empathize with your struggle with depression. I had a Pdoc like that once. He asked me how I felt, I said depressed, he yelled "b.s." at me I stuck it out with him for 2 years (didn't have a choice actually). I just learned to never use the word "depressed".

But as far as your Pdoc not making definite decisions, that is what I have found to be the norm. None of my Pdoc have ever made a decision for me. They tell me what they would suggest and let me pick which way I wanted to try. Even recently that happened. My Pdoc thought adding Welbutrin to my cocktail might help my depression, but it could make my anxiety worse. She told me that it's an option if I ever decide to try it. Next time I saw her, I asked to be placed on Welbutrin.

Sometimes I don't know what I want to do, so I ask my Pdoc what they think would be the best choice for me. Maybe that would be more helpful to you?

Pdocs are notorious for this. They want to hear behavior and not feelings. I always suggest bringing a close friend or family member with for corroboration. Also, I don't know what you said, but be specific say you si and have suicidal ideations. Sorry you had a bad appoint,ent.

Psychiatrists can be very dismissive.

She probably focused on the presentations because it is a very common fear. Maybe she was trying to use that example to help you come up with your own ideas to help alleviate your anxiety. This is a part of psychiatric treatment. My psychiatrist does this with me. She could have also gotten stuck on your anxiety issues and ignored all your other concerns.

The report your family doctor will get should list her recommendations.

I live in Ontario and don't pay for therapy. There must be options. Taking a second job in your present state will probably amplify your depression and anxiety.

Thanks for all the replies. I guess I was expecting a definite you should take this kind of thing. I'm happy to hear that other pdocs offer up suggestions as well and then let you kind of make the decision. I suppose from that I just felt like she didn't think I needed medication so I was confused given that my medical doctor feels I do.

It was overall just an awkward experience but I'm sure that is the norm. I find it hard to truly express myself and I always go in to T appointments with my mask on. Ive become very good at faking being happy/okay on the outside yet screaming on the inside. She probably just got the "fake" version of me. But yeah I did kind of feel dismissed... there was no scheduled follow up or anything so I guess just back to my family doctor I go. Hopefully there were at least some recommendations other than you could join a toastmasters club :/.

You are lucky to be in a province where there are options for cheap/free therapy. I tried a few here in BC but kept getting passed around until I just gave up and decided to pay for it myself. My current T is awesome and gives me a free session every third time around but its still pricey. Proper care for mental health should be free!

Thanks everyone, you have eased my mind a bit.

You just happened to get hold of the wrong "doctor". Please don't get discouraged, because it's how YOU feel about yourself, and what you sense that you need, that counts. You sense that she was wrong, which means that she is wrong. I hope you will try others who will take you seriously and not try to do this "behavior" nonsense on you. Most of us have had to start with wrong therapists, sadly, after we've gotten attached even. When you feel misunderstood and misdiagnosed like this from the get-go, it looks grim for doing anything meaningful if you stay. Depending on where you live, there might be financial help. maybe try going to a community clinic where there is a sliding scale. I see a LMHC at a county clinic and she is as good as any PhD in the world. Some private therapists have sliding scale here in the USA, but looks like you're in Canada and maybe someone on the forum from there could let you in on how they pay for therapy there. I'm sure you'r very disappointed at having to pay what you can't afford, for nothing.

I hate being invalidated. I saw a t 10 years ago who kept saying she didn't know why I am in therapy, I am perfectly fine and don't need it. Sure I maybe wasn't a total mess but I had a lot of issues that I still have 10 years later! She also often said that whatever i was upset about wasn't a big deal and wasn't even that serious. Gee really? I am not even dwell on things and mop around type if person. If I am upset that's for a reason!

My new t doesn't say things like that

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I am so sorry your appointment went so wrong. If your first appointment was this bad I suggest getting a new Doc.

Pdocs frequently leaves it up to the patient when it comes to medications. One of main reasons is because many psych patients are resistant to taking medications. By allowing the patient to be involved on what they take they are more likely to take it as prescribed. On the future of you don't know what to do tell them. I am horrible when it comes to medications. My pdoc knows this. Over the years she has made many recommendations. I don't think ih have agreed the first time. Sometimes it takes me months to agree to give it a try other times I never do. She knows if I am not ready to take something then it is useless to prescribe it. She trusts me.

If I could go back in time, and there was any way at all to prevent it, I would never have taken meds. They have really messed me up in the 20 some years I've gone down the medication rabbit hole. Everyone is different, and I have no doubt someone on here is going to say meds saved their life. That's all good, but it's not my experience. They didn't save a life worth living, only caused more problems. Again, this is my experience. No need for anyone to put it down because they had a different one.

I guess I'm just saying to be glad this pdoc is hesitant. If you are not at risk of offing yourself, you can get out of bed and take basic care of yourself...do whatever you can to get help outside of medication. Therapy, nutrition, exercise, social supports. Meds are a last resort. Not using them doesn't mean your situation is not serious.

I have my next psychology appointment on friday and then my medical doctor next week...I suppose it's time to actually "open up" and not hold back. I have been hesistant to share how I really feel because that is what I have been doing my whole life. I do feel like I am at the medication point. My suicidal thoughts were/are increasing in intensity and frequency and my SH is getting out of control again. I just cant live like this anymore...constantly grumpy and irritated/feeling like things will never get better/ feeling tired and worthless.

I appreciate all the kind words and your different experiences. In terms of different medication he said well say you had a sprained knee and there were a few options like surgery/physio etc...it would be up to you to decide what you felt best for your own health. Its not the doctors job to outright tell you or force you to do something. I suppose thats the way it is with medication as well. It is ultimately my decision. I just dont really know as Iam new to all this.

I luckily have a really good family doctor who takes the time to listen to me so I guess I will just stick with her for a while and then if she or I feel it is necessary find a new pdoc.

That would be great! But who would fund it? And what about proper care for other medical problems?

Do you have a diagnosis? One of your doctors need to figure out what symptoms are chemical imbalance (meds help) and which are reactive (therapy helps). Certain medications tend to work better woth certain diagnoses.

And this is just my experience with meds.... I suffered from daily thoughts of SI and SUI, and urges when I was in a depressive state. I tried SSRIs for depression and mood stabilizers for mood swings. And they helped, but not with my thoughts. Finally, my Pdoc put me on Latuda (an antipsychotic) for impulsivity. For the first time in 19 years, I have days with no thoughts and the urges are basically gone. Maybe something like that will help you? But Latuda doesn't help all who take it. This is just my story.

But that's why I would start with the diagnosis(es) first. Then research typical treatments for that diagnosis. Then discuss it over with your PCP/GP or Pdoc. And work from there.

For some reason they won't give me a diagnosis..my T said she doesnt like to normally do that. I asked and then backed off because I felt stupid for asking. The pdoc will be giving a report to my family doctor and my T so maybe something will come out of that?

I just never feel like i can truly explain myself and then I feel dismissed. I almost feel like they think I am lying or over exaggerating.

I agree ancientmelody proper health care should be free in all senses. Im in Canada so we do have basically free health care for everything but mental health/ physio etc.

MarleyCat, I just wanted to let you know I used to see a pdoc who did some similar things. I had awful insurance at the time and I was going through pdocs so fast because they were all not for me (perhaps not for anyone, actually).

This particular pdoc would not listen to me when I told him that the antidepressant I was on was causing bad side effects. He didn't believe one was causing me bad nausea even after I threw up in his office bathroom. After several appointments I put my foot down and said I NEED a different medication. His response was, "What medication would you like to be on?"

I said, "I don't know, I'm not a doctor, how am I supposed to know what medication I should be on?" He seemed annoyed at my response and started flipping through his Physician's Desk Reference and listing different meds and asking if I wanted to be on each (without explaining any differences, possible side effects, etc.) Not terribly confidence inspiring.

I DO appreciated pdocs who value patient input. There have definitely been times when I don't want to be on a certain medication for some reason. But what is the point of the doctor if they basically want you to write your own prescription?

Luckily I was able to get better insurance and find a better pdoc later on. My advice to you would be to try to find someone who has a style that suits you. I would also suggest you do do a little research yourself on meds just so that you are informed and prepared.

I hope things work out for you!

I understand being made to feel like you're lying or over exaggerating. When I was 18, everyone assumed I had BPD, but they couldn't diagnose me because I was too young. I had all the symptoms of BPD, but I was never sexually abused, and back then it was assumed that you had to have been sexually abused if you have BPD. So people constantly told me I was either lying/denying the abuse or I was exaggerating my symptoms. After awhile, I even started questioning myself, wondering if I was just being lazy. I asked my ex-T about this and she told me that I would have to be pretty sick to be making up my symptoms, and she told me I wasn't lazy. Made me feel better.

Only you truly know yourself. If you know something isn't right, then something isn't right. And if they don't believe you, then find someone who will. That is extremely important. But do be honest with the professionals. They can't fully help you if you're not.

Oh, ok, that makes sense. I agree then. {HUGS} Best of luck to you