[ThisWayOut]

I ended with T on Monday b/c I am moving across the country at the beginning of July.
The move is landing on a really crappy anniversary. I knew I needed more support before the move was finalized, but it didn't work out. T agreed to see me through last week b/c of the move (otherwise she would have referred me out back in May).
I'm between T's. I'll be returning to a former T after the move, but can't afford to see her for at least a month after I get back there. I'm done with this T. I can call her with an update after I've moved, but we are officially done.
Only I'm not functioning well right now. About all I can get to doing is small spurts of packing interrupted by long periods of crying.
I'm not sure where to turn. I can't call the T I just left. I don't feel right bugging the T I'm going back to. I suck on the phone with strangers (and I doubt I could really talk without crying and being totally unintelligable). I tried the chats but couldn't see the screen b/c I couldn't stop crying...
I don't know what to do... I feel totally stuck.
I wasn't able to process the move with T before we ended. I couldn't talk about the anniversary (which just seems to get more **** piled onto the day every year lately)...
What's the ettiquette on calling former T's clinic's crisis line? is that weird if I never called while I was seeing her (b/c it was easier to leave her a v.m. or chat online than to speak to a stranger)? I dunno why I'd be calling them, other than I feel a bit more comfortable talking to someone there b/c I'm at least familiar with the agency. I don't think they can actually help. It's not like there's anything anyone can do, but I'm really struggling with all this.
I'd much rather talk to someone I know, and who knows me, but that's not available right now.

[Perna]

Can you use us, talk to us here?

[ThisWayOut]

i'm not even sure what I need, other than to be able to stop crying long enough to pack everything...

[Perna]

Stop crying!

Did that help? Why don't you have your PC on tuned to here and pack a bit then read/write/respond a bit? Keep your mind on other subjects as best you can, think about other people's problems and how you'd solve them if you were them, etc.?

My husband got a diagnosis of cancer a few months ago and I panicked and was having trouble with the crying so I found a contractor and arranged to have my kitchen rehabbed. THAT certainly took my mind in a new direction.

Can you think ahead to July 22nd and where you'll be and what you'll need to be doing and how it might be then? I do that when I can, get ahead of myself where I'll eventually be and where what is bothering me right now won't be anymore.

[LonesomeTonight]

Are you sure the T you just left wouldn't be willing to give you some support? Could you try leaving a voicemail or e-mail?

[ThisWayOut]

Perna, kinda trying to keep occupied on pc &fb... the move is a huge wall I can't seem to think beyond right now. Not sure how to get my thoughts past the panic around it all.

LT, I'm not sure if she would offer support. I have a boundary in my head around contact after ennding, and I don't want to cross it. I'm not sure if it's a boundary she holds, or one only I have, but I don't want to make her mad...

[Abby]

I don't know the etiquette, but you could talk on here. Sometimes I just write to have contact with people because I find there aren't many people to talk to in my real life. I'm willing to listen to you. I haven't been able to function much recently either, a move if stressful in and of itself. Leaving a therapist, it being an anniversary on top of that must feel impossible. It is amazing what you survive through. It isn't much but I've not been able to open or pay for bills recently, not because of money but because opening and dealing with them was just too much. Anyway, did the stupid thing of opening my letter box after 6 weeks before work today...then I opened my letters. Stress. But I came home after work and told myself it had to be the first thing I did. I did it. I'm still anxious about whether it is sorted, but I have done my best. What is one of the tasks or boxes to unpack that is overwhelming you?

PS - perna I am really sorry to hear about your husband. I am sending you and him lots of good wishes and thoughts. Take care of yourself.

[growlycat]

Please post here if you want to!! And it's ok to cry too.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Abby

I don't know the etiquette, but you could talk on here. Sometimes I just write to have contact with people because I find there aren't many people to talk to in my real life. I'm willing to listen to you. I haven't been able to function much recently either, a move if stressful in and of itself. Leaving a therapist, it being an anniversary on top of that must feel impossible. It is amazing what you survive through. It isn't much but I've not been able to open or pay for bills recently, not because of money but because opening and dealing with them was just too much. Anyway, did the stupid thing of opening my letter box after 6 weeks before work today...then I opened my letters. Stress. But I came home after work and told myself it had to be the first thing I did. I did it. I'm still anxious about whether it is sorted, but I have done my best. What is one of the tasks or boxes to unpack that is overwhelming you?

PS - perna I am really sorry to hear about your husband. I am sending you and him lots of good wishes and thoughts. Take care of yourself.

I find it helps to write on here, too. I can talk to my H about lots of things, but with friends, I just feel weirder. I do have a good friend that I share some therapy stuff with, but even with her, at this point, I feel strange being like, Yeah, the whole transference thing is bothering me again. Because she'd likely say, as she did recently, that maybe I should just stop therapy if it's causing me this much distress. But I know then I'd only be running away...

Therapy feels almost like an alternate universe sometimes. And I'm glad I found this group because I can talk about it and not feel weird that, just this week, I saw my T, my MC, and my p-doc, so over 2 hours worth of therapy. And that I'm having transference issues with two of them, one being especially intense. That's just something difficult to explain to someone who hasn't been through it, or at least hasn't had a close therapeutic relationship.

So, coming back around to the main post, TWO, talk to us on here!

[ThisWayOut]

Thank you
I was talking to my mom about the move a bit today (and by "bit", I mean 2 sentences). I thought I would tell her that I will miss her and her critters (I'm hugely an animal person). And her response was rather flippant (I can't totally remmeber it, but the sentiment felt very much along the lines of "get the **** out already!"). I know she doesn't deal well with emotion, but... yeah. Any hope I had of her not totally meaning her comment a few weeks ago vanished (she had admitted to me that she has no emotional connection to anyone or anything as a defense mechanism. I will try to accomplish the same thing often, but I just never admit to any connection (it's very nuch there and I feel a lot for people I care about). at first I thought she was doing the same thing. I'm not so sure today). I wanted to call T when I heard that. It's hard enough to move and feel like all of this is a death over & over again. I don't need the reminder that my mom couldn't care less if I was here or not...
The csa memories are loud again too... only T knows about those. They are so triggering. I wish I could talk to T more about my fears around those memories and having to go back to live with my wife who is expecting to be intimate. ugh...
How do you untangle the anniversary of an old loss from the current losses? My aunt (who was like a mom) died July 7th 21 years ago. Last year a T and I ended the beginning fo July. This year, most recent T and I ended just last week (and she reminded me a ton of my aunt)... I don't know how not to feel all those as one. And I don't know how to just rely on myself for this transition.
I really miss T already. And it feel so stupid, because I only saw her for about 5 months. I shouldn't have gotten so attached to her. I shouldn't have let my guard down and trusted her or felt safe with her. I knew it was going to be short...
I dunno. Sorry. I'm totally rambling and not really making any sense.

[ThisWayOut]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I find it helps to write on here, too. I can talk to my H about lots of things, but with friends, I just feel weirder. I do have a good friend that I share some therapy stuff with, but even with her, at this point, I feel strange being like, Yeah, the whole transference thing is bothering me again. Because she'd likely say, as she did recently, that maybe I should just stop therapy if it's causing me this much distress. But I know then I'd only be running away...

Therapy feels almost like an alternate universe sometimes. And I'm glad I found this group because I can talk about it and not feel weird that, just this week, I saw my T, my MC, and my p-doc, so over 2 hours worth of therapy. And that I'm having transference issues with two of them, one being especially intense. That's just something difficult to explain to someone who hasn't been through it, or at least hasn't had a close therapeutic relationship.

So, coming back around to the main post, TWO, talk to us on here!

I think sometimes it's hard even talking to people in T. My wife has her own T, but she doesn't think leaving a T should ever be so hard... I know she understood the e. transference piece b/c she experienced it, but she doesn't get this parental stuff. I'm really glad I found pc also...

[growlycat]

I really think the pain and transference are unfortunately part of the healing process. People not in therapy don't understand that all the inner turmoil just goes underground if you don't deal with it.

I am grateful for pc because no one else in my life would understand any of this.