Hard boundaries - helps or hurts?

Yikes.... I appreciate that I have no boundaries as far as communication outside of session goes. I don't call my T. In over a year, I've never called her. But I know I can if I need to. I've only talked to her on the phone once, and that was because she called me. I can Email/text whenever I want....if it's important, she'll reply. She does reply to most texts, but Emails she will for reassurance if needed, but oftentimes we just wait till my next session (unless she's on vacation, I never go more than 3 days in between session days) She has returned Emails all hours of the day and night...I've gotten replies from her at 1-2am. But I've noticed she typically checks Emails between 9-10pm, because she responds more during that time span than anytime else. She encourages Email contact since she knows I work better that way. She has said that our most important work is done between sessions, and the sessions are just the glue that holds it all together. I do not Email or text daily, but when I do, I'm usually spouting off something she wants to hear that I may not as easily talk about in person. I always felt bad saying it was the easy way out...but she says whatever it takes for me to talk is what we need to do. I see her in a few hours. My goal, just like every session day, is to just try to talk. I talked my whole last session on MOnday...hoping I can keep it up.

I agree....Email is certainly not intrusive. I could understand saying no texts/calls because the phone goes off. Well, you can choose to check your work Email... I get my Emails on my phone, but I have my work Email notifications shut off so I actually have to go check it.

Well Scarlet, it seems you are ok with these things...and that's what counts! Perhaps it's not so much about the T checking her Emails as it is trying to help you limit yourself and know you'll be ok without contact?

My T was recently gone on vacation, and she questioned me as to why I sent no Emails for 10 days. Well, she said she'd not be checking them, so I figured she'd have a ton of Emails when she came back and I didn't want to add to that. She was concerned, she said, but didn't contact me because she thought I might be trying to prove to myself I didn't need contact during that time, which is why I didn't send any. Well, no, I wasn't trying to prove anything.... but I guess it's possible some T's want to help their clients know that they will be "ok" during a certain time span without contact. Maybe that's it?

Maybe she can't tell herself to not look at it and then she'd end up working all the time. Could be her own boundary because she knows herself and needs to have that 'self care' in place? Don't know just looking at it from a different viewpoint.

Either way, it's a boundary so I'm not going to be able to change it. But she did say she doesn't want to see emails on the weekends because that's family time. Maybe she has two emails combined/sync'ed?

I can email my T whenever I want. She has a email for work. I don't email her often, but I think she only checks her email on work days.

Funny, my T is very much the same. No touching/hugging, nearly no out of session contact, I call her Dr. T. And it got to a point where I just couldn't talk to her. I told her that I can't address her as Dr. anymore, it feels wrong to me. I almost tried to manipulate her into changing some of her boundaries - either we use our first names, or I just quit. Well, she told me she won't change a thing, it's for my own good. So I terminated it with her.

And then I came back when I realised she really cares about me. Her words, her texts, everything she did...she was very kind and genuine. Our next session, I felt the real connection, her boundaries are her boundaries - I want to respect them.

It's interesting, 'cause with my ex-T we had the touching and the hugging, emails and texts without limitations etc., but with all that she just fostered my dependency. When I needed her support the most, she just was distant and defensive (unlike my current T). In the end, I just quit when her behavior became progressively unprofessional.

So, I guess for me it's not about whether boundaries are hard or soft. It's about the person that sets them.

Yes, I had a subsequent T who was very touchy feely but unprofessional too. What I'm doing best with is someone who knows themselves and is experienced who does offer that warmth, hugs, and ongoing contact.

So a good fit is more than just boundaries, of course, but those rigid boundaries didn't help me a bit.

what made them unprofessional? I'm just curious. I'm of the belief that boundaries are good, but strict boundaries across the board can be harmful for some patients.

Does your T have hard boundaries (in your opinion).
-For me she has said there aren't any.

Have they helped your therapy or hurt it?
-At first I wanted them, craved them, needed them except she refused to give them to me. Now after a year I understand why and although I still feel like I need them/deserve them if I were to have them they would only cause harm.

Everyone needs some kind of boundaries to keep therapy safe?
-She leaves it up to me to create my own boundaries with her as she knows I would never cross that line - what that line is I have no idea. I'm curious though about her boundaries that she has with other patients. Not for fear of getting to that line but what boundaries in therapy might look like as this is my first time in therapy so I'm curious.

How much is too much?
-I'd say this is very client specific but what do I know...