Hard boundaries - helps or hurts?

Obvs, there has to be a happy medium with boundaries. Too rigid can be harmful to the client. I can't imagine watching someone enduring an hour long grueling session, asking for a hug from T and then having T say no. A T should be able to give hugs at least sometimes. I think at some point, it becomes in humane not to.

Just the same, too loose boundaries can be harmful. The confusion it causes can be a hinderance to a client's progress. And the fear that goes along with T one day up and taking away those "extra's" messes with the psyche.

My T and I have been working together for a year now. We grew close pretty quick and T admitted to breaking a lot of her boundaries with me. Just a few weeks ago, she referred to me as her friend, not her client. Things like that feel great at times, but also confuse the heck out of me. I love my T dearly, but I honestly believe that if my T had better boundaries, my healing process would be moving along much quicker than it is.

I think my T has hard boundaries. I can Emil her. I can text her, and I can call when I'm in crisis. The only physical contact is a hug at the end of session. There have been times that I've emailed too much and early on, I texted her way too much. I'm not sure exactly where they a free but they are there and I bump into them occasionally.

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And NO, I don't like them. I can explain how it feels but it does make things harder for me.

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That is exactly what happened to me. That said T1 didn't have what I would call hard boundaries. He had inconsistent boundaries which was the hardest thing of all. I think the most important thing is that the boundaries are consistent and clear from the start. Inconsistent boundaries can cause more harm than either hard or soft boundaries.

The only hard boundary he has that I can think of is we don't ever talk for more than the hour. I'm glad that we can hug and that I can call or email on occasion, I think without some minimum touch and minimum contact I could be obsessed on those two points... The one hard boundary does seem to be a thorn in my side, not so much that I need an extra 10 minutes (who doesn't though) but more because I go down the story line of "my therapist doesn't ever enjoy talking to me, he is late frequently and he never gives me so much as an extra 10 minutes." I kind of wish he was a bit more flexible on the time as well, even if it was just a session or two a year so I could get past this hang up of "he doesn't like talking to me, it's just an act." The sad thing is he probably really doesn't like talking to me, no one does .

My t is very boundaried, and, as noted above, we are both British...
She keeps very good time, not offered hugs and just lightly touched me on the arm when I was really struggling. I can email if needed and I do sometimes, I could call in crisis but I haven't, and wouldn't.
Though I wanted hugs and much more contact initially, these boundaries have been good for me, and I am sure I have been able to get through ET much more quickly because of it.

my T has very strict boundaries . I don't know if it hurts or helps . I know sometimes I would like to call her or e mail but it doesn't work . so confusing .but at the same time I have been on the other end and that was disastrous.

I think I have harder boundaries than T.... She never set any..... I don't like boundary talk, it seems artificial :/

I know I've already posted here about consistency. I wish I had it in therapy. My T openly admits she's not consistent, and the fact that she's not is actually good practice for the "outside world" so to speak. Life changes all the time, so she sees changes within the therapy room as practice for that. I get what she's saying, but I still don't like it. I would feel much more comfortable if I could go to therapy and just always know what to expect. Makes it easier for me to feel safe reliving past traumas in that room. But what do I know?

I've never hit any boundary of any therapist I've ever met with but they have sure hit one of mine now and then I think I called one therapist twice in the three years I worked with her. I did email occasionally with her following a difficult session. The reason I emailed was to off-load some of the toxic feelings I had following a difficult sessions; I wasn't looking for a response and I let her know that if she thought a response was needed, that was fine, but it wasn't necessary that we could discuss the email at the next session. Sometimes she responded and other times not. Either way was okay with me.

But saying that, I can also understand why many people in therapy want to clearly know up front what a therapists boundaries are, especially people who have trauma histories and it is also understandable that you'd want them to stay consistent. If you've been traumatized, how would you ever find "surprises" comforting or safe? If you're someone who has had your boundaries trampled on or if you were never allowed to establish even the most basic boundaries around yourself, then you're going to be someone who is always looking to an outside person to know what is "okay" or acceptable in your interactions with the other person. I think learning to deal with flexing boundaries in the outside world comes at the end of a good, solid, consistent and nurturing therapy relationship.

Personally, I think many therapists enter the field with poor boundaries themselves and they overextend themselves to clients, trying to "love" them into good mental health. Bad bad practice. Why? Because they often get overwhelmed and frustrated when clients actually take them up on their offers of endless hugs, phone calls, emails, texting, reassurances, extra sessions, extended time limits on sessions etc. and then, when they reach the end of their tolerance of said behavior, they end up terminating clients and putting the blame, once again, on the client. I've seen it happen enough times on this forum.

I don't think she has that right - I think consistency in a T is best. We value it in parents - giving consistency to their children. I think it is valuable in a T too. I don't get her argument, there is a lot of hate and prejudice in the world too as well as inconsistency, but we wouldn't expect that from a T.

As a parent, I would actually challenge that somewhat. My boundaries with my kids (and students - I'm a teacher) are flexible, allowing for exceptions, situations out of the usual routine, individuality. They are always fair and keep the needs of my kids and the family as a whole in mind (or classroom or school), but my kids know that sometimes boundaries have to be adjusted. Life is simply not consistently consistent. Being able to understand and adjust flexibly to life's inconsistencies has helped my kids learn to go with the flow somewhat, not overly stressing when things don't go as they always do.

I guess I learned that from my parents (and from teaching which requires a HIGH tolerance and need for flexibility), so it was just something I naturally have done with my own kids. In my therapy, boundaries really have been a non-issue, but I think it is because I am pretty good at reading other people's needs and boundaries and realizing change and individualization is inevitable. So long as it is fair and reasonable, I have no problem with adjustments in boundaries.

Wanted to add: As a teacher, I know that when I can predict a change coming, I give my kids forewarning and preparation. It isn't always possible; some changes are unpredictable and we just have to deal with those as they come, but preparation is key in making those changes go smoothly. When at all possible, therapists should be doing the same, and it is very clear that in some cases, therapists are not adequately preparing clients for anticipated change.

Thank you for this! You hit the nail on the head with this....(for me)

Thank you for this, too! I always read about how consistency is important in therapy, but my T believes the complete opposite, or, at least when it's convenient I guess.

Lolagrace, I agree, too.... I think if things can't stay consistent, a warning that change is coming is helpful. Some changes can end up just being re-traumatizing...and that's kind of how I felt/feel in my situation.

I prefer clear and consistent boundaries. Because of my BPD diagnosis, many professionals have feared that I disrespect boundaries. So now I'm hypervigilant about boundaries. Plus, if boundaries keep changing, I'm bound to ruin into one and then both me and my T would feel bad. In this case, I would rather thing be in black or white.

My new T has some hard boundaries and some fluid. I found her email boundary on accident. No emails on weekends. She didn't even know it was a boundary until I did it And now phone calls are similar. I'm allowed to call her as much as I need to until she's realized I hit a boundary. It sucks. But at the same time, it's better than not being allowed to call...

No emails on weekends? :/ Psssh! If she doesn't want to get emails on weekends she can just not check her work email on weekends.

What is it with therapists being unable to handle their own stuff? An email is something you can choose to open and respond to in your own time frame. I'd understand no calls on weekends, because that's a form of communication which does intrude, but who cares when you send an email?

Also, you're allowed to call... until she realizes you've hit a boundary? So she's basically blindfolding you and letting you wander around until you hit an emotional electric fence?

That's massively irresponsible, given your situation, Scarlet. You need to be told what the boundaries are and they need to not change. You don't need someone who is going to make you guess and then change them as she sees fit based on her mood that day if she decides that you have found one.

Well, the boundary with phone calls got a little more clear today. I can call her during business hours (9am - 6pm Mon - Fri) if I need a response from her. If I call after business hours on Mon - Thurs, she won't respond till the next day. I can call on weekends only if in a crisis. Emails are allowed Mon at midnight to Friday 5pm, but will only recieve a basic response if I recieve one at all.

Yeah...that's a lot of detail, but at least it's clearer now.

Detail is good. Clarity is good. Everyone has their own 'boundaries' (though most of us don't go around informing one another of them) but shifting boundaries are terrible for therapy. I'm glad you have an answer.

Honestly, I think it is better for a therapist to have limited availability. It's not what people want, but I think it better allows them to give people what they need.

I don't get the need to say you can't call at certain times unless you are calling her home number - you can leave a message and she can respond during office hours. Clients leave me messages all weekend - I respond on Monday - I use google voice and that number does not ring on the weekends or after 5 - but I don't tell people they cannot call - just that I will not respond until office hours. The same thing with email - write as much as you want and the therapist can say when or if they will respond.
If the clarification works for you then good, but I would find the therapist was making things unnecessarily complicated.

Yeah, but your method of doing things that way doesn't give you a chance to enforce your boundaries, which seems to be a popular fetish of therapists. The notion of just keeping their boundaries without lecturing clients like small children seems foreign to a lot of them.

I would prefer it your way.

I think it depends on the client as well. Some would thrive with hard boundaries while others would not. Whether hard or soft boundaries work with a client or not, I believe consistency is the key.

Extremely strict boundaries. Not good for when he's in charge of my meds and no one can get a hold of him when I'm having a bad reaction or being very ill.

The email thing is weird. Why can't she just not check her email on the weekend? ?????