New T, are these red flags?

Hi guys--I don't post much anymore, but i do read the boards every day.

I just started seeing a new T a few weeks ago. She cancelled the 3rd appointment because she forgot to tell me she was co-facilitating a group that weekend (i do saturday appointments). I was disappointed because I had a tough week at work, but went the week after, which was last saturday.

It was a tough session (as this is only my 3rd session with her), got into some deep stuff and brought up some old fears of mine, which i journaled out and was ready to bring up on saturday. When we left last saturday, i reminded her that this saturday was the 4th. She paused to think about it and said it should be fine, as no one does fireworks during the middle of the day (she has two young kids).

I just received an email from her saying she has decided she was going to take Saturday off, and we will meet the week after. My heart plummeted because this week has been VERY hard for me, and was looking forward to talking to someone about it.

Besides the two cancellations in 5 weeks, she seems to keep a loose time boundary (at least from what i've experienced with my past two therapists). She usually runs about 10-15 min late, ushers out the previous client, and ushers me in right after, which makes me feel a little bad about.Like shouldn't she be taking time for herself? She also keeps me a full hour, which i GREATLY appreciate.

All that being said, this is the first therapist that i feel connected to, or feel like i will be connected to as time goes on. But if these are major red flags of trouble ahead, maybe i should bow out now? I don't want to do that, and its really hard to find a therapist who can do weekend/nights.

The timing with the holiday throws it a bit, but it could be a pattern. Definitely talk to her about it. I think it's more an issue of deciding how helpful she can be within those squishy timeframes (if that's her regular way of doing things). I wouldn't be okay with it, but I would definitely bring it up and ask her if this is unusual or not.

I think it depends upon how you feel about the cancellations. A woman with small children might not work for you because of the things that arise in such a situation. I would not see one with small children myself -(for any number of reasons) but it might not bother others. I do not see the other part as a problem unless she is shorting you on time - otherwise it is her problem to deal with.

yeah i am afraid it will become a pattern because it is on a saturday, and a woman with a husband and two young kids is hard to schedule saturday appointments, i would think?

i guess i have to bring it up

When she told me she had kids at that age, i inwardly cringed, because things happen. especially on a saturday, a family day! weekend trips and stuff. i guess i just need to bring it up It just sucks that i am starting to feel things, and they are not pleasant.

I am sorry to agree with your concerns because I know it can be so hard to switch therapists and find someone you like, but I couldn't do therapy successfully with the amount of rescheduling you're likely to have to do. The rescheuling plus the changing her mind together would be a deal breaker for me.

Really? I know it doesn't sound so good overall. i think rescheduling i could deal with, as long as i know about it in advance, but these have been 1=3 days notice. but especailly this week, i'm reealllyyy struggling. i did email her back and asked if i could get another appointment on friday because my work is closed. So we'll see. If this was a new T that i didn't really lilke, i would just say "adios, amiga!"
•insert expletive*

yeah that is my feeling on that--she goes over the time (she never actually told me how long her sessioins are. the first one was almost an hour and a half)

yeah the fact that she changed her mind bothers me a bit because i did bring up right there that it was the 4th on saturday because i wanted her to be able to bow out if she needed. she must have gone home and taked to her family and realized it was better to have the whole day off for festivities-which i do get.

Well, you mentioned she was a new T, so my response was in part based on that. If you've only been seeing her a few weeks, that's not much. And it shows that whether you're new or established, she's going to probably have a lot of interruptions.... I agree with what others have said about balancing family and work on Saturdays being very difficult- I do it myself.

I mean, what about birthdays, holidays, special events... so many things happen on Saturdays, but... I mean, I'm sure if she said to you, it won't be more than 2-3 times per year, then personally, I might stay... but it's already been 2 times in 5 weeks, right? That definitely concerns me a lot.

P.S. Oops, I was posting at the same time as you.

Hmmm..interesting points i hadn't thought of. THere was a niggling worry in the back of my mind on "How many saturdays will she cancel (esp in the summer) due to family obligations.I haven't brought it up yet (i've only seen her 3 times), but both times she was like "see you next week!", and both time she emailed me after the fact. the first was because she totally forgot she was co-leading a retreat for the day, and now this which i tend to agree with, i'd want to be with my family on the 4th--but when i brought it up in session, she paused to think, and then said it would be fine. that is the bit that is hard to swallow.

They don't have to be red flags. They could also be warning lights. Or blaring sirens.

None of what you're describing is a good thing. Pretty much all T's agree that sessions need to be predictable and stable. This therapist is treating you like an optional weekend cash infusion. I'd find someone else.

Ugh. I'm sad because i really do believe i could connect to her, and she seems really nice and supportive and maybe could do good for me. I just have to go in and tell her how all of this made me feel. URGH.

I am a cynic, so take my words with a grain of salt, or even less, but do you think it could be of interest as to why you think you could connect with someone who treats you with a lack of regard?

She's wasted your time on more than one occasion, and doesn't seem interested in being a stable therapeutic base. Yes, you can go in and tell her how that makes you feel, but a therapist should already know how that sort of treatment makes a client feel.

I could be way, way, way off base, but it seems to be a common theme on PC that people find therapists who mimic hugely unstable relationships and become highly attached to them. Telling her how you feel is one thing, but expecting her to be a good therapist when she's stuffed up all the basics thus far seems kind of far fetched?

i mean maybe? this is why i wrote this post to see if these really were red flags that should be taken seriously or not? it is so so disheartening to think i might have to try again, when finding this T was hard enough, and especially since i feel so ******.

Can you see her during your lunch hour or after work instead of Saturdays, or is that your only free time? I know how hard it is to find a good T so I suggest talking to her before you give up. I would be totally honest and say that you feel a connection to her but you can't handle the cancellations if they are a pattern. Maybe you can see her at a different time like early in the morning on Saturday.

As far as going over the time and not having time between clients, my T also sees clients back to back like that. It doesn't seem to bother her, and she gives me her full attention all the time. She doesn't usually go over the hour, though.

Good luck whatever you do, velcro.

It's obvious from you said that you feel that there could be a good connection/working relationship with this therapist. She made a significant error twice by not paying close attention to her schedule: 1) She should know ahead of time if she isn't able to meet with you the next Saturday because she has a previously scheduled event (co-leading a group). This is not good self-management of one's schedule, but we all make these mistakes now and then. But then, 2) She should have been aware before you even came in for your next appointment that the following Saturday was a national holiday, and she should have already made her decision about whether or not she was taking it off--again, poor management of her schedule and not a good sign that she repeats the same mistake twice in a row. Having a consistent, stable therapy frame is important and a therapist who is doing things willy nilly is not giving her clients' needs the importance they require. Sure she has to pay attention to her family's needs, but part of doing that is staying on top of your own schedule!

But that said, it could have just been a bad couple of weeks for her and working with a therapist that you feel "good about" is important, so like Rainbow mentioned in her post, it might be worthwhile to talk to her about how the two cancelations have made you feel. The other good thing about talking to her about this is that you get to see early on in the therapy relationship how she handles and owns her own mistakes. Does she get defensive when you confront her about her poor handling of her schedule? Does she own up to her fumbling things or does she just shrug off your feelings and have a "deal with it" attitude. Those are really important things to know about a therapist. Good luck!

You just need to have this discussion with her. Until you do that, you really won't have a good idea what her response will be to your concerns. Probably after you've actually had that talk, you'll have a much better feel for whether this is just an anomaly because of the holiday week, or whether this is something that may be a real pattern that you can't work with.

I agree that you need to talk to her and tell her how the changes made you feel. In my experience, that has been the most telling thing about my T's--how did they react if I said I was upset about something they said or did? Did she seem genuinely apologetic about the schedule changes? As others have suggested, if there's another time you could go that isn't Saturdays, maybe try that. Does she have evening appts., say?

My self personally would not read into too much. She human and forgets thing and this coming Saturday is holidays for y'all in the states and if she had young children she may want to spend the holiday with them ( makes sense) however she seems like a bit of flake-id nicely address it to her and how made you feel!!!

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Gulp well I replied to her email that I was having a hard week, and off tomorrow-and she is seeing me tomorrow afternoon. I've never brought up things that are bothering me with a therapist before (seen a few before, one for 5 yrs), so I will be incredibly nervous. I so hope I can tell her how it made me feel-it probably will all depend on if she apologizes. I feel better knowing I am seeing her tomorrow. I am so so scared that she is going to agree that Saturday's are hard schedule-wise, and that I will be forced to find someone else.

I'd def talk to her about it. I'd let her know that you have been struggling with some things and really need to know if you can count on her for support. When I first started with my T, she cancelled a number of sessions. She had some health issues, but still. I finally told her compassionately that I understood she had some issues to tend to, but advised her that my mental health could not stand to suffer because of it. I volunteered to find a new, reliable T. Well, my T didn't realize the impact her absence was having on me. We were new to each other, like you, and my T just had no idea how much I really needed her at the time. There were no more cancellations (though we did wind up having a few phone conversations instead of in-person sessions which was just fine).

Hopefully your T will realize that she needs to step up and be able to be there for you as scheduled. Make sure she understands that you are counting on her for this. If the cancellations continue, I'd get out before getting into deep. Good luck!

Thanks. I really, really am hoping it is just crap circumstances and that she will assure me she will be there consistently. I am not sure how well I will handle it if she can't.

This is one of the things where there is no right answer, it's all about personal preferences. To my taste, this is not the behavior I would accept in my therapist, but I know that many people can either tolerate it or be totally fine with it. To me, frankly, this sounds very unprofessional and I would look for other options, but I understand that when the connection is made with the therapist and when you are getting something out of seeing her, this is important and is hard to give up. Regardless of what you decide, I would talk to her because when someone has a problem defining the parameters of their professional relationships with clients and sticking to those parameters, then who knows what other boundaries can be broken. While it's ok to stay with her for the sake of continuing to reap the benefits of the work with her, I do consider the behaviors you described red flags and I would watch out if I were you. In any case, I would definitely talk to her about it.

Ugh, it would be my luck that I find someone I think I can connect to, and then this happens. I am not in a good place at all right now, and I really want this to work. I see her at 2 today.

Honestly, if I were you, I'd save this discussion for one-on-one with your therapist and try to keep the other 952 opinions of PC out of it. It seems to be distressing you to hear them all. Take a breather and wait until you can discuss this directly with your therapist and I suspect you will have a better feel about what to do.