[Cinnamon_Stick]

Have you said it to your T? Has it caused anxiety for you?

I have said it to my T and I am feeling a lot of anxiety because I said it.

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[Leah123]

I have been seeing my T very frequently for 2.5 years now. I did, after a while, tell her I loved her. And I do. I've said it perhaps.... five or six times now, and a couple in cards I've sent.

I felt anxious at first saying it, or even writing it, yes. My therapist was kind and caring and accepting though and it's gotten easier to share those feelings when they arise.

[Gavinandnikki]

It was easier after I told her. It was the truth. She accepted my love and reciprocated. But, you know, in over 5 years of therapy, we never touched.

That's so odd. And sad, for me.

[musinglizzy]

I have said it, and my T has said it. It always feels like a huge risk when I do...not sure why. It is something that is not said very often, on either sides. But she has initiated it, as have I.

[wheeler]

Yes, it was 2 Christmas' ago, then again last Christmas, and now I say it every so often, including this past week. It has always been we were leaving and hugging, and she has always replied with an I love you back.
She never initiates the I love you and I wondered last week if she will ever say it first?

[scorpiosis37]

Yes, my T and I say "I love you" to each other. We started saying it in our 4th year of therapy together (we're now in year 5). I really like saying it to her, and hearing her say it back. We say it maybe once every month or two.

The first time I told her I said it kinda in a backwards way I go "How can I not love you?" I've said it straight up several times since in 3.5+ years. I surprised myself back in May when we had our first in-person appointment since she moved in late 2012, by NOT saying "I love you" when it was time for me to leave. I was thinking about that later and I realized I didn't need to because I felt it, flowing both ways and I could tell she did too. I love her, and sometimes I really hate like heck that I do, but I do.

[LonesomeTonight]

I said it to my T, but in the context of talking about my transference for my marriage counselor. Like I was saying how I loved him and was like, "You know, I feel love for you, too" to my T. To which she said "That's very nice." I didn't feel much anxiety with her.

With MC, whole different story. I told him on the phone--would have had much more trouble getting it out in person, I think. And I said it as (in a conversation about reassurance and him not going anywhere), "So if I love you, is that OK?" To which he replied, "That's OK! Though you have awful taste." Briefly felt a sense of relief getting it out there, but by the time our appointment rolled around a few days later, I was a ball of anxiety. (Won't go into what happened after that, because I have a whole thread about it.)\

Jealous of those whose T's will say it back!

[ThisWayOut]

I'm not sure I have ever loved a T. Cared deeply about the relationship? yes, but never "loved"... It's not a word I use easily.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

I have said it, and my T has said it. It always feels like a huge risk when I do...not sure why. It is something that is not said very often, on either sides. But she has initiated it, as have I.

I think that is what I am feeling. It's a huge risk to say it to your T. My T only says it back when I am in crisis. If it's not a crisis then we say "I have love for you". I wish she would say it directly more. I do love her very much.

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[LonesomeTonight]

I think part of the fear for me is that they'll think "oh, no, she's too attached, need to pull back." And at first, knowing they probably couldn't say it back made it easier for me, since I didn't have to worry about whether they would or not. But now I realize it's more difficult, because it's hard to know what they're thinking. I feel like I see love in both T and MC's eyes and in how they interact with me, but it's hard to know for sure.

[stopdog]

I don't have any urge to say such a thing to the therapist. I do not love her. I am fairly certain the therapist would not ever fit into in any category for which I would choose the word love.

[junkDNA]

i told him i loved him, he said he was touched. dont think he would ever say it to me, because of my past therapy abuse.

[divine1966]

I do not love my t. Now it doesn't mean I don't respect or dislike her. If that was the case she wouldn't be my t. But love??? No for sure I dint feel it so I would never say it


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[nottrustin]

No I haven't said it to her. I love her in a sense that I love people I have a close relationship with and really care for them. I don't say I Love you to many people because it puts me at a greater risk of being hurt.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

I think that is what I am feeling. It's a huge risk to say it to your T. My T only says it back when I am in crisis. If it's not a crisis then we say "I have love for you". I wish she would say it directly more. I do love her very much.

My T has said it that way too. My T would say "I love you too" If I said it first. Then we had a rupture. Neither of us said it. (still working on that rupture four months later). I was feeling on unstable ground. I was looking for connection again and wasn't able to get it. So I said it to her one day, because I DO feel it. And I don't have a problem telling people I love them if I do. I love a LOT of people. Anyway, I hugged her and told her I loved her. She said "thank you." Well, I brought it up to her in an Email. She said "yeah, that was awkward." I asked her what was awkward, my telling her that, or her saying thank you. She wrote me back that as my therapist, she has love for me but that word is reserved for her private life and she won't be using it with me. She said she didn't find it useful, or genuine. Um, ok. She'd said it before, more than once, but now we had this rupture and she wouldn't be saying it anymore. Ok. It hurt, but I went on. Ok, it hurt a lot. Because she had no problem saying it before. It's not like I say it a lot, I don't. But sometimes after an especially hard session, where I am feeling really connected, I would. Well, a couple/few weeks after she said she wouldn't be saying it anymore, she said it again. Only this time was the first time she ever initiated it. She gave me a hug and told me she loved me. I told her I love her too, and she said "I know." That was it. And I was fine with that. She said she wouldn't be saying it, yet she did. And that made it ok. I KNOW she does, and I don't need to keep hearing it now that I heard it that one time, after she said she was basically taking it away. So...she crossed her own boundary, but honestly, it ended up being helpful for me, it was like the "closure" I needed. I know this all sounds pathetic. I know plenty of you won't agree, but my T has said that she doesn't believe therapy can work without love on both sides, and I agree with that. FOR ME. That doesn't mean that's the case for everyone.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

My T has said it that way too. My T would say "I love you too" If I said it first. Then we had a rupture. Neither of us said it. (still working on that rupture four months later). I was feeling on unstable ground. I was looking for connection again and wasn't able to get it. So I said it to her one day, because I DO feel it. And I don't have a problem telling people I love them if I do. I love a LOT of people. Anyway, I hugged her and told her I loved her. She said "thank you." Well, I brought it up to her in an Email. She said "yeah, that was awkward." I asked her what was awkward, my telling her that, or her saying thank you. She wrote me back that as my therapist, she has love for me but that word is reserved for her private life and she won't be using it with me. She said she didn't find it useful, or genuine. Um, ok. She'd said it before, more than once, but now we had this rupture and she wouldn't be saying it anymore. Ok. It hurt, but I went on. Ok, it hurt a lot. Because she had no problem saying it before. It's not like I say it a lot, I don't. But sometimes after an especially hard session, where I am feeling really connected, I would. Well, a couple/few weeks after she said she wouldn't be saying it anymore, she said it again. Only this time was the first time she ever initiated it. She gave me a hug and told me she loved me. I told her I love her too, and she said "I know." That was it. And I was fine with that. She said she wouldn't be saying it, yet she did. And that made it ok. I KNOW she does, and I don't need to keep hearing it now that I heard it that one time, after she said she was basically taking it away. So...she crossed her own boundary, but honestly, it ended up being helpful for me, it was like the "closure" I needed. I know this all sounds pathetic. I know plenty of you won't agree, but my T has said that she doesn't believe therapy can work without love on both sides, and I agree with that. FOR ME. That doesn't mean that's the case for everyone.

Sometimes I feel like we are the same person Lizzy. My T told me before either of us said it that she is uncomfortable saying it unless it is her family. I respect her so much for telling me that up front. She said that if I am in crisis, she will say it directly and she is fine with that. I have been in crisis the last three days. I had an emergency session with her on Friday due to this crisis and as we hugged at the end of our session I said "I love you" and she said "I love you too". It felt so amazing to hear it that I am happy with hearing it directly once in a awhile. I don't need to keep hearing it because she said it as we hugged during a major crisis and it was so powerful.

t and I say i love you to each other every time we say goodbye. no anxiety with it

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

Sometimes I feel like we are the same person Lizzy. My T told me before either of us said it that she is uncomfortable saying it unless it is her family. I respect her so much for telling me that up front. She said that if I am in crisis, she will say it directly and she is fine with that. I have been in crisis the last three days. I had an emergency session with her on Friday due to this crisis and as we hugged at the end of our session I said "I love you" and she said "I love you too". It felt so amazing to hear it that I am happy with hearing it directly once in a awhile. I don't need to keep hearing it because she said it as we hugged during a major crisis and it was so powerful.

I think that's why I appreciate it..... it's not their job to love us, it's their job to help us help ourselves... so that's just a bonus. Well, Cinnamon, every time I see your name I want to run to Taco Bell for cinnamon twists! Thanks a lot! I haven't yet, but there's one 5 minutes away...lol.

[rainbow8]

My T also used to say that the word "love" was reserved for her family and close friends. I said it in a roundabout way to her a few times, and directly in an email. I was totally shocked when she replied back "sending love" to you. This was after about 4 years of therapy with her! We discussed "therapy love" and now we both sign our emails "love." I would feel awkward saying the words directly in a session, though, and I don't think she would say them to me. Yet, I know we agree that we feel lovefor each other. It's not one-sided.

[ThingWithFeathers]

My t and I have never said those words. I do love her, but I won't share it verbally. I don't know how she feels, but I expect I will never know as she will never say it. She is sweet and kind and compassionate and attuned. But we are working on csa so those words might be very confusing and triggering for some to hear.

[Petra5ed]

I have said it several times but my therapist has never said it back. I don't doubt he cares about me (often).

Why anguish about saying it? The longer I've been in therapy the more I just want to be real and the reality is I love him, I want him to know whether he hates me or loves me back.

[magicalprince]

No, cuz if that word gets said in our therapy I'm too afraid it will be the real thing

[Sawyerr]

She has said it to me a couple of times. I think I love her too, but I could never tell her that. She said it when I needed extra reasurrance and sometimes just because. It was hard for me to hear her say it and to believe she means it.