I don't understand and I'm having such a hard time

I need to understand something and perhaps this community will be of some use in doing so.

My therapist and I are at ends, I believe in something and want it entirely, and she believes it's not possible, that this is not the ways things work.

I need to rid myself of these images and terrible memories. I can't keep them anymore, I'm quickly losing my mind. I brought forth an idea today that I was and am certain will work, but my therapist says no. In fact she passionately disagreed that this was even a possibility.

I feel that if a brain can work to create memories, than it surely can be used to erase them too. Perhaps not in a literal way, but in a way such that you no longer believe them to be real. To further clarify, or simplify, I don't understand why we can't work to train my brain to remember these memories as though they've been created, as though they came from a movie I've watched or a book.

She seemed saddened that I would turn to this idea as if losing hope that therapy could work for me the way it's being performed now, and perhaps I am. I don't want to lose her due to my loss of confidence and patience, but I'm starting to feel the need to isolate and worse and that's frightening me more than ever.

Does anyone have any ideas of what to do, or thoughts about my idea. Do you think it could work? Couldn't we just give it a try? I don't know what to do, and I'm feeling really alone

I don't think I'd ever do it myself, but I have wondered about hypnosis for something like this. I personally know someone who used it to stop smoking. She was repeatedly told how disgusting smoking is, and that she is a non smoker, and it worked for her. The thought of lighting up a cig makes her want to gag. So I wondered if hypnosis could work in the same way with childhood trauma.

On the other hand, some people swear by "reparenting" too, where the T takes over the role of the absent parent and helps the client regain what they never had. My T wouldn't believe in something like this. But I'm open minded enough to think this, too, might work. I think both of these topics would create some pretty strong feelings from some people either for or against.

I'm surprised your T didn't go with that idea and ask you to read the 'story' to her.

I think it would be a very destabilizing idea. When we eradicate memory partially through repression, we're cut off from powerful parts of ourselves- I know that from experience.

Have you considered doing trauma work with a highly qualified therapist- they can help you take the excruciating memories and transform them into quite manageable ones where your other life experiences and future balance them out so much better that the venom is sucked out of them.

In a way, it gives you what you want, but you retain all your power, all of yourself rather than trying to erase your experience which would also erase part of you.

P.S. I know that feeling of memories that would drive me insane, that exceeded my capacity to hold them- but my therapist is an experienced PTSD therapist, and was able to share them with me and hold them for me- we worked hard together and while the work was painful, like surgery sometimes, spiritually, it was wonderfully healing and she kept it manageable, very hard, but manageable.

To me it sounds like running from yourself. "Erasing" memories, instead of owning your feelings and experiences, however bad they are.

Maybe something like EMDR can work for you? You don't erase memories or situations, you still remember what happened, but it is less upsetting.
For some people it works.

I don't see anything wrong with it. I don't think a lot of what is done in therapy today works very well with traumatic memories so I don't see how it could make things much worse (for me anyway). I wish I could do this too.

There is a lot of excellent research supporting successful trauma treatments these days. But not just any treatment will work and not just any therapist is certified or qualified or experienced enough for it.

Nonetheless, certain trauma specific treatment methodologies are common and its efficacy is pretty well established now, something worth researching if you haven't already, not discarding offhand without doing one's homework.

Thanks for the responses, I've been working on this with her a lot and while not specifically a trauma therapist, she's been working to up her knowledge to provide me with the best help possible. I can't switch therapists because I absolutely refuse to tell anyone else. Only she, my abusers and myself know what happened and I'm keeping it that way.

I simply don't understand why this is so terrible, both the suggestion of a new approach and life in general :/ I'm down and not feeling like every coming up

The stbx is really good at this - forgetting the things he doesn't want to remember. He is not a happy person, and he makes the people around him miserable too. It is not a path I would advocate taking.

Stbx? What's that?

Soon to be ex - divorce is in progress.
He's a troubled guy, and quite abusive.

I'm sorry you are struggling so much with this. Trauma can be a really pesky thing to work to heal.
I've supressed my trauma memories for almost 36 years... I consciously forgot them, but they were still there. I am not sure how you could successfully convince yourself they are not real. It may work for a while, but my experience has taught me that "forgetting" does not mean healing from it, it simply means not being consciously aware of it. The effects of all that trauma have haunted me my whole life. Only now, talking about them, accepting them, and processing them, am I able to start to get anywhere.
I still don't have many memories from my life (good or bad). Most of what I do "remember" comes in flashbacks (for the negative ones) or things others have shared with me (the positive ones). I have not found it to be pleasant. I react strongly to triggers I can't place. I feel a connection to certain stories without knowing why I feel connected to them... Not being able to place any of it just causes it's own confusion and distress. I don't know how to fix it when I don't know why it's there...
Maybe if there was a way to truly erase those memories, it might work? I don't think the resources available to people today would do it though.
My mom chooses not to remember a lot of her trauma, and she is an incredibly angry person. She is abusive, though does not comprehend her abusiveness. She doesn't acknowledge anything happened in her life. She doesn't acknowledge her anger and resentment. She just takes it out on those around her (like Shakey's stbx)...
Trauma work is hard. I can understand not wanting to have to find a new T though. I'm also all about T's bettering their practices by learning (everyone has to learn somehow). I just hate to see you continuing to hurt... Seeing a T that is well-versed in trauma treatment has been a huge help. I've had to switch T's 4 times in the last 2 years (for reasons outside of my control). 2 were trauma T's, and 2 were not. The trauma T's were much more helpful than the other T's. It's not that I disliked working with the others, or that they were not good T's (because they were good, and they did their best to figure out how to help me), but they just didn't have the experience or supervision available to help with the more complex stuff... Maybe you could keep seeing your T and also see someone for more focused trauma treatment?

I have looked into lots of research and I don't really find much of it to be very credible. I think there is so much more that could be done. I think "erasing" memories is something that is being explored. I have read articles about it. I think it is beyond just pushing the memories out of the conscious mind. It would be just totally erasing those memories. I have done a lot of homework, trust me. My life was and sometimes is one big trauma with no relief. If I had to go through the trauma treatments available today it would be endless therapy for me. Thanks, but no thanks. Medication brings some relief though so I do think might be some hope in physical treatments of some kind.

I think if erasing memories was entirely possible, everyone on the planet would be working to do it. How easy would it be to just get rid of the painful memories, instead of having to work through them in order to heal?

I personally do not believe memories can be erased. Repressed, indeed, which isn't beneficial to healing. Our brains have neuroplasticity -- they can change. So I believe that working towards change would be a healthier solution. Change is certainly harder, but you know the saying that nothin' in life comes easy. Just my opinion.

I can definitely see a value to experiencing memories as thoughts and not reacting to them through something like disciplined mindfulness training. I would like to get there, but first I need to acknowledge the thoughts and memories.

And then there's the issue of resolving trauma that the body stores.

I tried to do this to myself, when I was a teenager I was in CBT for a lot of things and I was taught that thoughts/beliefs influence emotions. So, I thought that since I would have thoughts/memories of things that caused bad emotions, maybe I just needed to think that it never happened, that I lied about it, and that I was done "lying" and the truth was that I lied/it never happened. If I could believe that, then maybe all the hurt would disappear. I would tell myself CSA never happened, I watched too much TV, wanted attention, I was a liar, etc.

It worked, for a while, I did a lot of things professionally that kept me busy, life went on, I didn't think about any of it at all - or if I did think about it, it would immediately go back to "yes, but that never really happened..."

Fast forward 10 years. It has stopped working. I have flashbacks and nightmares. Things I avoided (doctors, women's health exams, dentist) for ten years are catching up and every appointment terrifies me and leaves me destabilized for days. Everything has come back full force and what is worst of all is that I honestly cannot tell now whether something is "real" or whether it is something I "made up." Am I a liar? Am I sane? Did I experience a psychotic break as an adolescent? Why can't I truly believe that I lied anymore?

It is hell.

My advice: Don't try and mess with your own mind that way. In my experience: Even if you're able to "bypass" your conscious mind and suppress/repress whatever it is that is causing you pain now, it won't disappear...and part of you will be very, very angry that you did that and pushed that hurt part of you back into a prison.

You can't unring that bell. You can work through it and those memories can stop ruling your life, but you have to be willing to look at them straight in the eye so to speak before they will take their proper place which is as old memories rather that constant reminders.

What you describe in your post sounds very much like EMDR, which I am having at the moment. It is transferring stuff from one side of the brain, & processing it properly using the other side. It does not sound stupid at all. Why not ask your t about EMDR? Xxx

After seeing someone ask about it here, I looked up that rapid resolution therapy and it sounded like what you are describing in a way. Sort of like a type of hypnosis.

It is an interesting and exciting idea, Tongalee. We know very little about what the brain is capable of, and what you suggest should be possible. Just because it sounds scary and impossible to your T doesn't mean that it it is impossible. After all, many memories from a very long time ago may as well be fabrications, we remember many things that never happened but the memories can still hurt us, so why not reverse that coin? Look into the techniques suggested by other people in this thread.

I'm sorry your T is not supportive. I'm sure it has to do with her own outlook on things.

I agree with the person who earlier in the thread mentioned EMDR therapy. It is used in trauma therapy to reprocess memories. I have done it. In EMDR, memories are not erased or treated as pure narratives. The memory remains but is no longer as disturbing.

I don't know that this is physically possible although a fascinating idea (it was the premise of a movie - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind). In reality though repressed memories eventually come back and can be re traumatizing when they do. People who have legitimately lost their memories of traumatic events usually have because of a brain injury, which involves more than just memory loss and is not a good thing.

I don't see why your T can't help you come up with ways to reframe memories though. Like other posters said, EMDR is supposed to be very helpful and some CBT therapies can be too.

I don't want it to seem like my therapist is not doing a good job , or offering me alternative ways to heal and core as well as an ample amount of support. We had a long conversation about the wants and needs stemming from the wish/idea and she gave more some probably valid reasons of why this was not the way to go. Mostly I think she is worried that I've already spent so much time and effort in my life to repress the memories and they've not withered. She wants me to get better asap so I can start really living my life, instead of contemplating ending it.

I don't question your therapist's quality or commitment at all.

I will tell you that I spent a very long time doing in depth research and taking in hundreds of individual experiences of trauma survivors and found that there really is no substitute for trauma specific therapy when dealing with severe trauma. Working with your therapist certainly has advantages because you're attached to her and hopefully she's been able to help you in other ways, but I just don't want you to give up on the idea of gaining peace of mind without considering how very specialized the treatments for trauma are these days and how important specific training has proved to be. There really is a ton of credible research on it.... not anything you have to do of course, just... something to consider that exists.