[rothfan6]

I don't really know what I should do. It's taken almost 2 years to trust my T but Im starting to think it's not worth it. I just end up feeling hurt and abandoned as often as I feel supported or understood. I know it's my problem. I don't know how to rely on someone but then not feel intense overwhelming feelings when their not there. It's too painful. My solution is to run and stay alone. My t said it's healthy to rely on him but I don't think he gets how bad it feels when he cancels a session or is out of touch. Any suggestions, advice, experiences are welcome. I'm at a loss.

[Leah123]

I know *just* how this feels. I'm sorry you're struggling with it.

My suggestion is to explain in depth how it feels for you until he gets it.

Then, for you two to create a between session plan to assuage the pain and feelings of abandonement.

Finally, to work through any underlying past/childhood issues that are exacerbating this feeling so you can get some permanent peace of mind and replace the worry and loneliness with more contentment and comfort in his presence and your therapeutic relationship.

[musinglizzy]

I also know JUST how you feel....

[rothfan6]

Im having a hard time talking to him atm. We've talked before about how it feels but it didn't change anything. It's painful and it sucks. The logical part of me knows it's an extreme reaction but it doesn't change or stop the feelings knowing that. It's really frustrating. I like the idea of making a plan but I'm not sure what that would be?

[Leah123]

You two need to work a plan out for it to really be effective, but he needs to be very clear on what your experience is like first.

So, that plan might include a few things, but totally customizable, it has to be suited to you and to your relationship with him, and he can rely on his training to help create it:

1. Transitional items, such as a written message, song, affirmations, objects you buy yourself tied to him/your therapy (I bought myself angel cards and sent the same to my T, we both use them for my therapy) For example, in my therapy, we did some healing visualizations together, then I bought myself an item that I'd created in the visualization, a silver meditation shawl, and it has great significance and comfort for me between (and during) sessions.

2. Exercises for you to do between sessions including anti-anxiety, DBT, self-care, outreach, etc. (You may want to look into the distress management tools in this excellent workbook: http://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Be.../dp/1572245131)

3. Journaling to have a concrete record of the feelings, when they occur, what thoughts trigger them, etc. to work with in session

Etc.

[LonesomeTonight]

I also know exactly how you feel. My only suggestion echoes what the others have said--talking about it with your T. And if that hasn't helped, then talk about it more. Does your T allow between-session contact, like e-mail or text?

OK, I'm also echoing another suggestion to try to work with your T get to the root of your abandonment fears--probably something from childhood.

[Leah123]

P.S. You may find the discomfort more bearable if instead of looking at is an affliction, you look at it as growth- you're in tune with a powerful feeling- it's not going to harm you, it's information that can help you heal and develop.

I don't have anything to add except to say I feel the same and to thank everyone for the suggestions, I'm definitely going to do some research.

There are some Ts who work really hard on consistancy, they never cancel a session, they never change the time. My ex-T was like that, part of her way of working was to give clients that consistancy. I wonder if your T could work harder to give you this as you need it? I've never had a session cancelled, but I think that if a T did I would find it hard like you.

[rothfan6]

I hate not being secure. It makes me feel insane. I go back and forth between feeling hurt he canceled and feeling like a jerk because he had a family emergency. Its really new to feel such strong emotions in general but definitely for another person. I’ve never got close enough to someone to care if they left or not. Its kind of scary. Distress management sounds like a good idea. I could use more coping skills. I tend to forget them when I need them.

I saw a video about attachment that really rang true for me. He talked about being stuck between wanting to go towards the parent thats abusing you for comfort but wanting to get away from them at the same time. And how theres no solution. Its kind of how I feel about my T at the moment. Not the abusing part but wanting safety and wanting to run

[rothfan6]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I also know exactly how you feel. My only suggestion echoes what the others have said--talking about it with your T. And if that hasn't helped, then talk about it more. Does your T allow between-session contact, like e-mail or text?

OK, I'm also echoing another suggestion to try to work with your T get to the root of your abandonment fears--probably something from childhood.

We talk in between sessions. Usually he responds once a day if his life isn't too crazy at the time. I’ve been through abuse so thats probably where this is coming from.

[rothfan6]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

There are some Ts who work really hard on consistancy, they never cancel a session, they never change the time. My ex-T was like that, part of her way of working was to give clients that consistancy. I wonder if your T could work harder to give you this as you need it? I've never had a session cancelled, but I think that if a T did I would find it hard like you.

He tries to be consistent and he’s gotten better at it after I brought it up but thats not his strong suit. He’s always a few minutes late but i’ve gotten used to that somewhat. He’s always had a good reason to cancel and genuinely apologies but it still sucks.

I became very attached to T1, and as a result I found myself feeling repeatedly hurt and rejected by the therapeutic boundaries. It got to the point where the whole process was very painful and I spent the whole week obsessing about it. Worst of all it was hard to talk about it with him because he seemed uncomfortable with it which added to the feeling of rejection.
I decided to take a break from him and see another T. I found that I wasn't developing an attachment to T2 and I was making better progress with him. As a result I terminated with T1 and continued with T2. It was painful to leave T1 and I grieved (still do) but I am in no doubt I made the right decision. Distance from the attachment allowed me to examine the reasons for it. I am moving forward in a way I couldn't have with T1.
I don't know whether trying a different T would be right for you or not, but wanted to offer you a different perspective

[rothfan6]

I'm sorry he wasn't comfortable talking about it, that must have been painful. I've thought about finding another T but I think I would just repeat the same pattern. I've had problems with attachment in relationships outside of T as well.

Originally Posted by rothfan6

I'm sorry he wasn't comfortable talking about it, that must have been painful. I've thought about finding another T but I think I would just repeat the same pattern. I've had problems with attachment in relationships outside of T as well.

Yeah, I think if he had been more open to discussing it I probably would have benefitted from staying with him, but unfortunately he wasn't equipt to deal with it.
If your T is qualified to help you worth through the reasons for the attachment, I agree that sticking it out with him would probably be best

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

I became very attached to T1, and as a result I found myself feeling repeatedly hurt and rejected by the therapeutic boundaries. It got to the point where the whole process was very painful and I spent the whole week obsessing about it. Worst of all it was hard to talk about it with him because he seemed uncomfortable with it which added to the feeling of rejection.
I decided to take a break from him and see another T. I found that I wasn't developing an attachment to T2 and I was making better progress with him. As a result I terminated with T1 and continued with T2. It was painful to leave T1 and I grieved (still do) but I am in no doubt I made the right decision. Distance from the attachment allowed me to examine the reasons for it. I am moving forward in a way I couldn't have with T1.
I don't know whether trying a different T would be right for you or not, but wanted to offer you a different perspective

Wow...I darn near could have written your post! Only I've not left my T because the thought is too painful, but at the same time the change in boundaries (taking things away after offering them) is immensely hurtful, even 5 months later. It's good to read your post and know you have been in that exact same position. Thank you for posting it. My God it hurts...

[(JD)]

This is definitely a topic for session with T! A certain amount of transference is necessary for that trust relationship and identifying it and working through the feelings can be a major milestone in how you address relationships IRL. Don't run away, engage it.

[rothfan6]

I really appreciate everyone who wrote me today It's given me a lot to think about. I was ready to run and quit but I'm going to try talking with my t.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

There are some Ts who work really hard on consistancy, they never cancel a session, they never change the time. My ex-T was like that, part of her way of working was to give clients that consistancy. I wonder if your T could work harder to give you this as you need it? I've never had a session cancelled, but I think that if a T did I would find it hard like you.

In January/February, my T was canceling and moving sessions left and right due to some personal problems. I was going through a rough time and it was hard on me. Sometimes I'd only get a couple hours' notice. I talked to her about it later, and told her that the nonconsistency is hard for me. She apparently does not believe in having therapy be 100% consistent. It was the ONLY thing that was consistent in my life, the one thing I could count on to "be there." But she said life is not consistent, so this is good practice for how life really is. Makes sense, yes, but I've otherwise only heard that Ts try to give their clients a consistent environment to help them feel safe and secure. So I felt like she said that because it covered her @$$ in that situation. I felt guilty for wishing for some consistency SOMEWHERE, thinking therapy would be the one place I could get that. I understand things happen, but this went on for probably about 10 weeks (and seeing her twice a week, that's a lot of sessions!) I never knew if she'd cancel on me last minute or what. I tried to not plan on having therapy until an hour before my session, because I never knew.

[rothfan6]

You shouldn't feel guilty for wanting stability. It does sound like she was just covering herself. It really makes it hard to trust when there's no consistency. It always seems to work out whenever I need my t he has something going on and can't be there.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by rothfan6

You shouldn't feel guilty for wanting stability. It does sound like she was just covering herself. It really makes it hard to trust when there's no consistency. It always seems to work out whenever I need my t he has something going on and can't be there.

Thanks. Made me feel like I was wrong for wanting consistency in therapy. Believe me, like I said, I understand how things come up. But to last as long as that did....it was really tough. Never knew if I was coming or going....

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

In January/February, my T was canceling and moving sessions left and right due to some personal problems. I was going through a rough time and it was hard on me. Sometimes I'd only get a couple hours' notice. I talked to her about it later, and told her that the nonconsistency is hard for me. She apparently does not believe in having therapy be 100% consistent. It was the ONLY thing that was consistent in my life, the one thing I could count on to "be there." But she said life is not consistent, so this is good practice for how life really is. Makes sense, yes, but I've otherwise only heard that Ts try to give their clients a consistent environment to help them feel safe and secure. So I felt like she said that because it covered her @$$ in that situation. I felt guilty for wishing for some consistency SOMEWHERE, thinking therapy would be the one place I could get that. I understand things happen, but this went on for probably about 10 weeks (and seeing her twice a week, that's a lot of sessions!) I never knew if she'd cancel on me last minute or what. I tried to not plan on having therapy until an hour before my session, because I never knew.

That is not right. Something is not right with your T. For that to go on for 10 weeks?

[rothfan6]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

That is not right. Something is not right with your T. For that to go on for 10 weeks?

Could be a family thing. Mine was a couple of months when a family member was sick and some other stuff all at once.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

That is not right. Something is not right with your T. For that to go on for 10 weeks?

She was having (pretty severe, I think) behavioral issues with her teenager at home. So she was canceling for appointments, or to stay with her (she pulled her out of school)...etc. I tried to be understanding....but it just disrupted things for too long...and I was having a hard time.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

In January/February, my T was canceling and moving sessions left and right due to some personal problems. I was going through a rough time and it was hard on me. Sometimes I'd only get a couple hours' notice. I talked to her about it later, and told her that the nonconsistency is hard for me. She apparently does not believe in having therapy be 100% consistent. It was the ONLY thing that was consistent in my life, the one thing I could count on to "be there." But she said life is not consistent, so this is good practice for how life really is. Makes sense, yes, but I've otherwise only heard that Ts try to give their clients a consistent environment to help them feel safe and secure. So I felt like she said that because it covered her @$$ in that situation. I felt guilty for wishing for some consistency SOMEWHERE, thinking therapy would be the one place I could get that. I understand things happen, but this went on for probably about 10 weeks (and seeing her twice a week, that's a lot of sessions!) I never knew if she'd cancel on me last minute or what. I tried to not plan on having therapy until an hour before my session, because I never knew.

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

She was having (pretty severe, I think) behavioral issues with her teenager at home. So she was canceling for appointments, or to stay with her (she pulled her out of school)...etc. I tried to be understanding....but it just disrupted things for too long...and I was having a hard time.

Not just that. Everything she has done. Changing her boundaries. You have a lot of patience and strength.