My psychologist always seems to want me to do various different things and I do try them and normally they dont work but he always says you just have to keep trying but i dont see the point of trying i have tried my whole life and it has got me nowhere i will always feel terrible and i know i cant exaclty tell him

Possible trigger:

i am just waiting a few months untill i can kill myself

I just don't see the point of fighting so you can keep fighting for the rest of your life.

[Daystrom]

I understand completely. I had this conversation with my father a few months back, when I was undergoing the emotional breakdown that sent me into therapy. It was a mistake, because he has never and will never understand depression. "You have to keep going;" he told me, "to LIVE, to SUSTAIN yourself." When I asked "Why?", he didn't know how to answer. He couldn't understand the sick sinking feeling that living and fighting for the next day just didn't seem to be enough anymore.

I feel this way frequently and have for some 30 years. Always feeling that there is no hope or light. But somewhere underneath the layer of depression I know that my dad was right, and your psychologist is right. You DO have to keep trying, it's all any of us can do. It's all any human being throughout history has ever been able to do.

For those who've never experienced depression or anxiety, those everyday trials aren't the things we know. Their efforts aren't tinged with anger or dread or hopelessness, and if you're anything like me, you may see these people seemingly sail through life on clouds of air, unencumbered by the kind of hell we war with in our heads daily, and you may feel angry and envious of them, and then you may turn the anger back on yourself for not being "normal". This is where my spiral of depression has sent me; if it doesn't happen quite the same way for you then I apologize. I've been reading your posts and I promise you, I recognize every word from my own experiences.

I've thought about ending things before. I'm glad I didn't. Even during the worst times in life there are small victories to be had, accomplishments, no matter how simple, to take pride in, and things great and small in the world to be observed and enjoyed. These things are worth living for, even in the midst of all the pain. I promise you that, too. Please listen to your psychlogist, keep fighting through the bad days, and keep your eyes open for these good things, and you will find them.

Originally Posted by Daystrom

I understand completely. I had this conversation with my father a few months back, when I was undergoing the emotional breakdown that sent me into therapy. It was a mistake, because he has never and will never understand depression. "You have to keep going;" he told me, "to LIVE, to SUSTAIN yourself." When I asked "Why?", he didn't know how to answer. He couldn't understand the sick sinking feeling that living and fighting for the next day just didn't seem to be enough anymore.

I feel this way frequently and have for some 30 years. Always feeling that there is no hope or light. But somewhere underneath the layer of depression I know that my dad was right, and your psychologist is right. You DO have to keep trying, it's all any of us can do. It's all any human being throughout history has ever been able to do.

For those who've never experienced depression or anxiety, those everyday trials aren't the things we know. Their efforts aren't tinged with anger or dread or hopelessness, and if you're anything like me, you may see these people seemingly sail through life on clouds of air, unencumbered by the kind of hell we war with in our heads daily, and you may feel angry and envious of them, and then you may turn the anger back on yourself for not being "normal". This is where my spiral of depression has sent me; if it doesn't happen quite the same way for you then I apologize. I've been reading your posts and I promise you, I recognize every word from my own experiences.

I've thought about ending things before. I'm glad I didn't. Even during the worst times in life there are small victories to be had, accomplishments, no matter how simple, to take pride in, and things great and small in the world to be observed and enjoyed. These things are worth living for, even in the midst of all the pain. I promise you that, too. Please listen to your psychlogist, keep fighting through the bad days, and keep your eyes open for these good things, and you will find them.

thank you i do try and find "good" things but it is just so hard everything i do seems to be another failure another way i screwed up and i just dont look forward to much i am constantly panicked and i look and everyone in my family has horrible genetic conditions and i see my mum (she is only in her early 40's) struggle to walk everyday and get up in pain so much she has to take medications that are slowly killing her so she can move as her muscles dissolve and she is allergic to nearly everything has had strokes and has a heart condition and i have a high chance of developing all of these things as well she also has no immune system. then my dads alcohol issues i just dont see why everything always has to be so hard. and i feel so freaking guilty because i shouldnt be complaining i have food i have water and a shelter over my head and yet i cant seem to be happy i just seem to ruin everything for everyone.

[Angelique67]

It doesn't sound like you ruin anything, it sounds like your parents are already dealing with a lot. I don't think your difficulties add that much more to what's already going on.

[barefootfairy]

If the things your psychologist gives you to do are too difficult or overwhelming or just not working, tell him and try to get new suggestions or start with something smaller. Therapy is difficult and painful at times but it shouldn't be too much so. I recently quit going to therapy altogether because it became so overwhelming it seemed impossible (a really bad idea). I've now started medication and plan on trying again with a different therapist. The point is, allow yourself to move slowly to avoid getting overwhelmed at all the impossibilities. At my worst, no one could convince me it was worth keeping going. Somehow, though, I did. I'm still figuring out if it's still worth fighting but I think it is, some days more than others.

Originally Posted by Angelique67

It doesn't sound like you ruin anything, it sounds like your parents are already dealing with a lot. I don't think your difficulties add that much more to what's already going on.

i dont understand do you mean i am making it harder for my parents or i am not?

[QUOTE=barefootfairy;4582707]If the things your psychologist gives you to do are too difficult or overwhelming or just not working, tell him and try to get new suggestions or start with something smaller. Therapy is difficult and painful at times but it shouldn't be too much so. I recently quit going to therapy altogether because it became so overwhelming it seemed impossible (a really bad idea). I've now started medication and plan on trying again with a different therapist. The point is, allow yourself to move slowly to avoid getting overwhelmed at all the impossibilities. At my worst, no one could convince me it was worth keeping going. Somehow, though, I did. I'm still figuring out if it's still worth fighting but I think it is, some days more than others.[/QU

he is ok to go at whatever pace it is just nothing seems to work.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by eden1515

i dont understand do you mean i am making it harder for my parents or i am not?

I don't think you really are making things harder. I think they're probably very wrapped up in what they're already dealing with and you are not as much of a burden (if at all) as you feel.

Originally Posted by Angelique67

I don't think you really are making things harder. I think they're probably very wrapped up in what they're already dealing with and you are not as much of a burden (if at all) as you feel.

i dont know because whenever i screw up they tell me how difficult i am and my dad always tells me how i am the reason my mum is unwell when she has a lupus flare up i think there are wrapped up in themselves a bit because that is all they ever talk about but they do seem to find me difficult.

[XenaStrikes]

You do not mention what your T has asked to do in reference to trying. I find that I have to do things over and over kinda like retraining the brain.

I do hope it all works out for you.

I just dont understand why.

I don't think anyone would really even notice if I was gone no one really cares about me and I am failing everything so why should I bother.

Well i guess that just proves my point even on the internet no one cares i guess i am worthless then good to know now i know for sure thank you to the few people that did care at one point but i guess i know that no one will care for more than a few moments.

[LonesomeTonight]

I care. I'm just not sure what to say to help...other than to talk to your T. And try to be kind to yourself.

Are you on any psych drugs? If so, consider changing them. If not, is that something you would consider? (If I'm forgetting any past history, I'm sorry!)

Thank you i am not taking medication i cant but it isnt just on the forum i have posted in quite a few forums for different issues and each one might get 1 or 2 replies even if i reply to everyone then people just stop it happens in real life to even if i post on other peoples threads no one seems to care about mine no one cares in real life either unless i am doing something they want which is why i have to wonder what the point of sticking around really is if no one wants me there.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Why can't you take medication?

[Daystrom]

Originally Posted by eden1515

Thank you i am not taking medication i cant but it isnt just on the forum i have posted in quite a few forums for different issues and each one might get 1 or 2 replies even if i reply to everyone then people just stop it happens in real life to even if i post on other peoples threads no one seems to care about mine no one cares in real life either unless i am doing something they want which is why i have to wonder what the point of sticking around really is if no one wants me there.

I care, and I'm on the other side of the planet from you.

What you're talking about re: the message boards is just the nature of the Internet. (Trust me, I remember when the Internet got started.) It's easy to project our real-life fears online, and online everything can seem harsher and more impersonal.

Originally Posted by Daystrom

I care, and I'm on the other side of the planet from you.

What you're talking about re: the message boards is just the nature of the Internet. (Trust me, I remember when the Internet got started.) It's easy to project our real-life fears online, and online everything can seem harsher and more impersonal.

thankyou and i guess i could be projecting things i just feel like everyone hates me.

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Why can't you take medication?

Because my OCD wont let me and something VERY VERY VERY bad would happen and i cant say what that is because if i say it it will happen.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by eden1515

Because my OCD wont let me and something VERY VERY VERY bad would happen and i cant say what that is because if i say it it will happen.

It sounds like you are having a major depressive episode and also struggling with OCD. That is a vicious negative cycle alright. You need to make some
kind of change for sure to end this. Is your therapist aware you feel this way?

I think meds really can help with depression. If you can't force yourself to take anything, maybe make the OCD on this issue priority #1 in your counseling so that you can. Many people won't understand where you're at, but I do, and I know others of us on this site do.

It can be a lonely world sometimes. You're not the only one who struggles to form relationships, I do as well. It might be hard to see it from where you're at but depression but I would bet you are pushing people away and not even aware of it. It is a hallmark of depression to push away people and help and then think like you are that people are abandoning you and there is no hope... It's classic trust me, it's part of your depression.

I do hope you find some good help and don't hurt yourself. You know you're worth something deep down, you just need to trust that. Depression is a very real very serious thing that is scientifically proven to be helped with meds if not the right therapy most of the time.

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

It sounds like you are having a major depressive episode and also struggling with OCD. That is a vicious negative cycle alright. You need to make some
kind of change for sure to end this. Is your therapist aware you feel this way?

I think meds really can help with depression. If you can't force yourself to take anything, maybe make the OCD on this issue priority #1 in your counseling so that you can. Many people won't understand where you're at, but I do, and I know others of us on this site do.

It can be a lonely world sometimes. You're not the only one who struggles to form relationships, I do as well. It might be hard to see it from where you're at but depression but I would bet you are pushing people away and not even aware of it. It is a hallmark of depression to push away people and help and then think like you are that people are abandoning you and there is no hope... It's classic trust me, it's part of your depression.

I do hope you find some good help and don't hurt yourself. You know you're worth something deep down, you just need to trust that. Depression is a very real very serious thing that is scientifically proven to be helped with meds if not the right therapy most of the time.

the ocd doesnt like me doing stuff to try and get rid of it it REALLY hates that and i cant risk it anyway because bad things will happen if it gets mad at me. It has made bad things happen before and it will do it again if i go against it. I think i am just not meant to be happy i understand that i could be pushing people away but i have been really trying not to i try to talk to people about what they like and make the conv all about them but no one is ever interested in me or anything i say even my parents ignore me and will talk over me about themselves. I think i am just not meant to find happiness.

[Lord protector]

I think that maybe people get frustrated because there are things you could do to help yourself but you won't because you say you can't. OCD can be treated.

Ok that is it I am done I am so freaking done right now you don't have any freaking clue what I can and can't do and no I am not even going to say anymore I am done.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by eden1515

the ocd doesnt like me doing stuff to try and get rid of it it REALLY hates that and i cant risk it anyway because bad things will happen if it gets mad at me. It has made bad things happen before and it will do it again if i go against it. I think i am just not meant to be happy i understand that i could be pushing people away but i have been really trying not to i try to talk to people about what they like and make the conv all about them but no one is ever interested in me or anything i say even my parents ignore me and will talk over me about themselves. I think i am just not meant to find happiness.

Anything bad that happened is shear coincidence. Sadly you're going to have to find a moment when you are frustrated or just trust a little bit and break the OCD habit just to see the bad thing doesn't happen. You already know it's your OCD, you said it yourself. Having OCD is just like having paranoias, which are usually irrational... But just because you have a fear doesn't mean it's true. OCD is a thing and people are cured of it all the time, but you need to realize it and see a shrink. Unfortunately in our country there's no way help will come to you, we have really awful mental health care.... So unless you go tell someone and take a risk you're going to be dealing with the OCD nightmare and I bet that's a major reason why you're so depressed.

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

Anything bad that happened is shear coincidence. Sadly you're going to have to find a moment when you are frustrated or just trust a little bit and break the OCD habit just to see the bad thing doesn't happen. You already know it's your OCD, you said it yourself. Having OCD is just like having paranoias, which are usually irrational... But just because you have a fear doesn't mean it's true. OCD is a thing and people are cured of it all the time, but you need to realize it and see a shrink. Unfortunately in our country there's no way help will come to you, we have really awful mental health care.... So unless you go tell someone and take a risk you're going to be dealing with the OCD nightmare and I bet that's a major reason why you're so depressed.

I have tired and not done what it said 20 times and every single one of those times something bad happened. They are not coincidences they way i think of the ocd is like it is an entity not human but not me and it lives in my body and it has magical powers which is how it makes stuff happen it is not just coincidence it is making the bad things happen.