[IndestructibleGirl]

..and things are so much better, in the main The paralyzing pain is gone. Thinking about her many times every day is gone. She still floats across my brain regularly for sure, but usually in a neutral sort of way.

Since then, I have gone a long way towards repairing my relationships with my family. The relationship between my mum and I is not remotely perfect, but when I think back on how damaging my so-called therapy was, how it so aggressively drove a wedge between my mum and I..well I am gobsmacked.

In the morning, I start sessions with a short term therapist. We had an assessment a couple of weeks ago, and since then, my original crackpot therapist is more present in my head - I even dreamed about her for the first time in ages. It wasn't an upsetting dream, it was nice. Which made me a bit nostalgic.

The new therapist seems good, very nice, well-educated, is clear about structure and I just like her. EXCEPT she kind of moves her mouth at times (when she's listening to me) in a way that reminds me of the Crackpot The similarity doesn't last at all once she starts speaking - there's nothing else that reminds me of Crackpot.

I was feeling pretty cheerful and interested in starting tomorrow, but now on the night before I feel - well, rather wary. I really, really don't want to be dragging up stuff that I have finally been able to stop stewing about.

The report to the Crackpot's regulatory body is underway, but I am going very, very slowly with it. First steps are legal advisory meetings.

Two weeks ago, I also started a kind of DBT-lite. It's a group for learning skills, for people on the wait list for full on DBT. Again, it is very interesting and I'm sure will prove useful, and I have a lot of respect for one of the group leaders (who assessed me) as her integrity seems outstanding.

I suppose I am scared - scared of going into another stupid foolish headf#ck. I'm worried that the Crackpot damaged something permanently, in one way or another.

I've said it before on here, but metaphorically it reminds me of a friend of mine who used to take heroin. Finally something in him snapped and he got off the heroin, he wanted to have a life, so he got clean. But even so - he would tell you no feeling came close to the euophoria of the good times on heroin. Nothing in real life came close. Obviously, he knew it would destroy him to go back on drugs so he had to accept he would never feel that joy and happiness again.

Sometimes I worry I did a therapy version of this. The highs of therapy with Crackpot were unreal, so exciting and wonderful - but what if I never feel so excited or happy or loved again. Even if it was all a sham. Just like heroin ain't real either...

And going back into therapy, even though it IS safe and sensible and I've got away from Crackpot - feels like I'm sitting in the room with someone smoking heroin, and I can smell it and my alarm bells are going crazy with a mixture of excitement and tension.

Would you go? Or would you take it as a big sign to STAY THE HELL AWAY from the shrink community at the moment? Or just do the DBT class on its own?

Waaahh That was cathartic at least.

[junkDNA]

first off, really happy that you are no longer being tormented. congrats! secondly, its hard to gauge whether to process what happened or not. for some, talking about it does open old wounds and pain but it's supposed to ease off and you wind up feeling better afterwards. not to say though that it isnt a painful and long process. on the other side, some people dont need to talk about it and life goes on and things get better with time. i guess for me what i evaluate is if these past experiences are affecting me, even subconsciously, in the present. with that i also say that i am proud of you for trying therapy again. it is a huge thing for someone that has been traumatized by a therapist. its very, very brave. so that is great

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

first off, really happy that you are no longer being tormented. congrats! secondly, its hard to gauge whether to process what happened or not. for some, talking about it does open old wounds and pain but it's supposed to ease off and you wind up feeling better afterwards. not to say though that it isnt a painful and long process. on the other side, some people dont need to talk about it and life goes on and things get better with time. i guess for me what i evaluate is if these past experiences are affecting me, even subconsciously, in the present. with that i also say that i am proud of you for trying therapy again. it is a huge thing for someone that has been traumatized by a therapist. its very, very brave. so that is great

I do keep wondering if perhaps I'm the kind of person who would be better off concentrating on moving on. Processing in other ways, as and when, like with conversations with friends etc, rather than in structured talking with a therapist.

The thing is, I'm pretty sure there are other things - from long, long before I met my crazy therapist - that I would like to discuss in therapy. Except I feel there's a big layer of **** and stuff from my time with her getting in the way.

[Middlemarcher]

I'm so glad to hear your positive update. If you're worried about getting back to therapy at the moment, you could wait until you get through the DBT class. Maybe after that you'll have some extra distress tolerance skills, which is very helpful in therapy. And you may be in a better place to be able to assess whether a T is a crackpot and/or incompetent-- you definitely don't need another one of those. But if the new T works out, yay!

You should be proud of yourself. You got through something really hard.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by Middlemarcher

I'm so glad to hear your positive update. If you're worried about getting back to therapy at the moment, you could wait until you get through the DBT class. Maybe after that you'll have some extra distress tolerance skills, which is very helpful in therapy. And you may be in a better place to be able to assess whether a T is a crackpot and/or incompetent-- you definitely don't need another one of those. But if the new T works out, yay!

You should be proud of yourself. You got through something really hard.

Haha no I definitely don't need another nutter! On the plus side, my own boundaries are ruthless now. I used to cut people a LOT more slack. Possibly do need to work at finding a happy medium but oh well.

I can't pick and choose when to start with this therapist as it's NHS. I could defer from the service, but it's anyone's guess when they might have a space again, and it could be with somebody who is much less qualified. In that sense I've struck very lucky as she is quite advanced in her education, and has experience in trauma, and seems like a very earnest and steady sort of person. None of the glamour and rebellious edge that Crackpot reeled me in with.

I confess to looking at the Crackpot's facebook for the first time in MONTHS a couple of days ago. Out of curiosity. It didn't sting, I just felt a shadow of wistfulness. Nothing overwhelming. Her beauty did pull at my heart strings, her eyes still look so kind. But handsome is as handsome does.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

..and things are so much better, in the main The paralyzing pain is gone. Thinking about her many times every day is gone. She still floats across my brain regularly for sure, but usually in a neutral sort of way.

Since then, I have gone a long way towards repairing my relationships with my family. The relationship between my mum and I is not remotely perfect, but when I think back on how damaging my so-called therapy was, how it so aggressively drove a wedge between my mum and I..well I am gobsmacked.

In the morning, I start sessions with a short term therapist. We had an assessment a couple of weeks ago, and since then, my original crackpot therapist is more present in my head - I even dreamed about her for the first time in ages. It wasn't an upsetting dream, it was nice. Which made me a bit nostalgic.

The new therapist seems good, very nice, well-educated, is clear about structure and I just like her. EXCEPT she kind of moves her mouth at times (when she's listening to me) in a way that reminds me of the Crackpot The similarity doesn't last at all once she starts speaking - there's nothing else that reminds me of Crackpot.

I was feeling pretty cheerful and interested in starting tomorrow, but now on the night before I feel - well, rather wary. I really, really don't want to be dragging up stuff that I have finally been able to stop stewing about.

The report to the Crackpot's regulatory body is underway, but I am going very, very slowly with it. First steps are legal advisory meetings.

Two weeks ago, I also started a kind of DBT-lite. It's a group for learning skills, for people on the wait list for full on DBT. Again, it is very interesting and I'm sure will prove useful, and I have a lot of respect for one of the group leaders (who assessed me) as her integrity seems outstanding.

I suppose I am scared - scared of going into another stupid foolish headf#ck. I'm worried that the Crackpot damaged something permanently, in one way or another.

I've said it before on here, but metaphorically it reminds me of a friend of mine who used to take heroin. Finally something in him snapped and he got off the heroin, he wanted to have a life, so he got clean. But even so - he would tell you no feeling came close to the euophoria of the good times on heroin. Nothing in real life came close. Obviously, he knew it would destroy him to go back on drugs so he had to accept he would never feel that joy and happiness again.

Sometimes I worry I did a therapy version of this. The highs of therapy with Crackpot were unreal, so exciting and wonderful - but what if I never feel so excited or happy or loved again. Even if it was all a sham. Just like heroin ain't real either...

And going back into therapy, even though it IS safe and sensible and I've got away from Crackpot - feels like I'm sitting in the room with someone smoking heroin, and I can smell it and my alarm bells are going crazy with a mixture of excitement and tension.

Would you go? Or would you take it as a big sign to STAY THE HELL AWAY from the shrink community at the moment? Or just do the DBT class on its own?

Waaahh That was cathartic at least.

Thanks for sharing you're feeling better. I'm in so much pain from a similar situation of over 5 years now and it's good to see you can heal. I'm so glad, and I think you're strong.

I'm also struggling with being in therapy with someone else right now. She's awesome but I keep wanting to run because I'm so afraid of being abandoned at the height of my pain and my fear abotu what's going to happen to me.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[precaryous]

Simply put- My experience was spent a couple of years seeing ExploitativePsychiatrist (but didn't understand he was exploiting me at the time). Then I spent several years with PrevT who was a great T. We spent a lot of time processing what ExploitativePsychiatrist did to me. Then PrevT changed jobs and eventually I left California.

I refused to look for a new therapist for fifteen years after my move.

Now I have been in therapy with CurrentT for about one and a half years. We are finally getting to the issues that brought me to therapy in the first place.

I have entered therapy tentatively- a lot of things trigger me. I am paying a lot of attention to things like boundaries, therapy style, genuineness, whether CurrentT has my best interest at heart..the list goes on.

I feel whether you enter therapy again depends on your needs...what remains to be examined...whether you need a break..many things. It won't be easy. Trust your instincts. Don't be afraid to question. You drive therapy.

Happy to see you posting again!
Pre

[WePow]

You know, sometimes you have to remember that you are the boss in the therapy relationship. It is not the other way around. Just like with any doctor, they have a job to do - help you heal. If they stink at their job, fire them and move on... You deserve to have the healthcare you need. Be honest with this new T and see how it goes. Remember, no two Ts are the same - just like any other doctor. I hope you find one that can help you heal!

[unaluna]

Ooh - new thread? I saw a t one time who i nicknamed Crabcakes.

The DBT thing i liked the most and probably found the most useful - used it a few times today as a matter of fact - is the idea of "it shouldnt be this way" "but it IS this way" lather rinse repeat accept You sound good

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by WePow

You know, sometimes you have to remember that you are the boss in the therapy relationship. It is not the other way around. Just like with any doctor, they have a job to do - help you heal. If they stink at their job, fire them and move on... You deserve to have the healthcare you need. Be honest with this new T and see how it goes. Remember, no two Ts are the same - just like any other doctor. I hope you find one that can help you heal!

True enough, though I think in some situations where the C develops an attachment or dependency or enters into an area of "primary vulnerability", it can be hard to fire the T even if they do stink.

[WePow]

Yes. It is very true that it can be hard to fire a T. But sometimes it helps just remembering what the bottom line actually is. It helped me along the way ;-)

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by WePow

Yes. It is very true that it can be hard to fire a T. But sometimes it helps just remembering what the bottom line actually is. It helped me along the way ;-)

I think this is a question of self-worth or how much we value ourselves. If we have really low self-esteem or we hate ourselves, it's a lot harder to remember the "bottom line" because we just don't care enough about ourselves to prioritize our own well-being. Sad but true. I was there, and sadly I think I still am.

[Leah123]

Welcome back to the forum. I'm so glad you're feeling better.

No advice here. I think, based on the past threads and concerns you had, and the anguished back and forth, it's really important to trust your own instincts. I think you have good judgement and just need to nurture it.

I do believe that you won't have such a rough time in therapy if you see a better, more boundaried therapist, for what that's worth, so no, it won't be a repeat of the wrenching/exhilarating/hurtful last round.

So glad to hear that things are going better for you. I stopped seeing my ex-T around the time you quit your T. Mine was also a bit damaging. I've talked to my new T a bit about it, she has been careful not to criticise my ex-T, but made one particular comment the first time I talked about it that really stayed with me and reassured me. I find with my new T some of the similar emotions come up in my therapy, but it all feels completely different, I think because my new T just gets me in a way the other one didn't , and gets what I need in therapy. Also the emotions don't feel so intense, they are more manageable and I don't feel the anxiety around the relationship that I did with ex-t. It's been helpful for me to have it confirmed that it wasn't me who was the problem in my last therapy, it really was my ex-T. I too was a bit hesitant to start again - I questioned whether it was going to be helpful to open up my emotions again. If you do go ahead, I wish you well.

How did it go today?

[Abby]

Blimey has it been 6 months already?! Wow. I'm pleased things are much better for you. I don't think you've damaged something permanently, if anything it sounds like you've realised that the high isn't real and is actually unhealthy for you so it gives you the knowledge to learn if there is an unfortunate toxic new relationship you somehow stumble into in any part of your life in the future. I wouldn't stay away, if I were you I'd just keep checking in with myself and know I can make a decision to leave at any time if I see things are getting a bit out of hand. It sounds like you're able to see the warning signs this time around. Take care of yourself - and well done for getting support on the NHS! Thanks for the update.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

Thanks for sharing you're feeling better. I'm in so much pain from a similar situation of over 5 years now and it's good to see you can heal. I'm so glad, and I think you're strong.

I'm also struggling with being in therapy with someone else right now. She's awesome but I keep wanting to run because I'm so afraid of being abandoned at the height of my pain and my fear abotu what's going to happen to me.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

PinkFlamingo I remember how distraught you were and I remember reading your story I'm so sorry you are still in a lot of pain.

It IS great that you are with a therapist you know is awesome I'm really, really hoping you start to feel better.

Originally Posted by precaryous

Simply put- My experience was spent a couple of years seeing ExploitativePsychiatrist (but didn't understand he was exploiting me at the time). Then I spent several years with PrevT who was a great T. We spent a lot of time processing what ExploitativePsychiatrist did to me. Then PrevT changed jobs and eventually I left California.

I refused to look for a new therapist for fifteen years after my move.

Now I have been in therapy with CurrentT for about one and a half years. We are finally getting to the issues that brought me to therapy in the first place.

I have entered therapy tentatively- a lot of things trigger me. I am paying a lot of attention to things like boundaries, therapy style, genuineness, whether CurrentT has my best interest at heart..the list goes on.

I feel whether you enter therapy again depends on your needs...what remains to be examined...whether you need a break..many things. It won't be easy. Trust your instincts. Don't be afraid to question. You drive therapy.

Happy to see you posting again!
Pre

I'm glad you are back in to wrestle the stuff you originally wanted to. I find it kind of mad, that we have these brushes with somebody who scars us and then we have to un-do all their crap.

I know we drive our own therapy but sometimes it seems to run away with itself..

Originally Posted by WePow

You know, sometimes you have to remember that you are the boss in the therapy relationship. It is not the other way around. Just like with any doctor, they have a job to do - help you heal. If they stink at their job, fire them and move on... You deserve to have the healthcare you need. Be honest with this new T and see how it goes. Remember, no two Ts are the same - just like any other doctor. I hope you find one that can help you heal!

Yeah I know - but emotionally abusive relationships are very difficult to extricate oneself from.

Like when there's a person in a domestic violence situation, and people are perplexed about why they keep going back after another black eye, another split lit...

Abusers aren't monsters all of the time. They are very charming people when it suits them, who will seduce you and give you just enough crumbs of what you need to make you keep believing if you keep working hard and wait long enough - then the relationship will be great.

Therapy mirrors emotionally abusive relationships when it goes badly wrong.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by hankster

Ooh - new thread? I saw a t one time who i nicknamed Crabcakes.

The DBT thing i liked the most and probably found the most useful - used it a few times today as a matter of fact - is the idea of "it shouldnt be this way" "but it IS this way" lather rinse repeat accept You sound good

The name Crabcakes isn't making me feel sure that she was a great therapist

Interested in that DBT thing. Can you give an example?..

Originally Posted by BudFox

True enough, though I think in some situations where the C develops an attachment or dependency or enters into an area of "primary vulnerability", it can be hard to fire the T even if they do stink.

Agree for sure.

I always felt pretty confident in my ability to spot a total bullsh#tter, and I really failed with my old therapist. Precisely because when I go into therapy, I make an effort to remove all my preconceptions and to be open to seeing things another way.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by Leah123

Welcome back to the forum. I'm so glad you're feeling better.

No advice here. I think, based on the past threads and concerns you had, and the anguished back and forth, it's really important to trust your own instincts. I think you have good judgement and just need to nurture it.

I do believe that you won't have such a rough time in therapy if you see a better, more boundaried therapist, for what that's worth, so no, it won't be a repeat of the wrenching/exhilarating/hurtful last round.

I think you are right, and I think it will be a far calmer experience.

I can't imagine being attached to this new woman. She is very nice, and I like her, but I have no need to attach to her. My emotional needs are largely being met by other people. The only room I would have for an attachment would be for a romantic partner if the right person came along. I don't want anyone else filling up my head constantly again, uninvited and unsatisfying. Ever.

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

So glad to hear that things are going better for you. I stopped seeing my ex-T around the time you quit your T. Mine was also a bit damaging. I've talked to my new T a bit about it, she has been careful not to criticise my ex-T, but made one particular comment the first time I talked about it that really stayed with me and reassured me. I find with my new T some of the similar emotions come up in my therapy, but it all feels completely different, I think because my new T just gets me in a way the other one didn't , and gets what I need in therapy. Also the emotions don't feel so intense, they are more manageable and I don't feel the anxiety around the relationship that I did with ex-t. It's been helpful for me to have it confirmed that it wasn't me who was the problem in my last therapy, it really was my ex-T. I too was a bit hesitant to start again - I questioned whether it was going to be helpful to open up my emotions again. If you do go ahead, I wish you well.

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

How did it go today?

How long have you been seeing your new therapist Brown Owl? I remember when you were finishing too. So glad you've got somebody in your corner!

Yeah it went well on Monday

I waffled on and on about Crackpot. I'm sure at times she was looking at me like wtf but she was very nice and wise and seemed to get it.

Tbh though I didn't go to the DBT skills group today. I was exhausted and had had a late night having dinner with a friend, and I was thinking well maybe I should have skipped socialising so I would have had energy to go - but then I though no way I want to enjoy seeing my friend when the opportunity comes up. The skills group is interesting but doesn't feed me emotionally in any way, so spending time with friends is more valuable.

Originally Posted by Abby

Blimey has it been 6 months already?! Wow. I'm pleased things are much better for you. I don't think you've damaged something permanently, if anything it sounds like you've realised that the high isn't real and is actually unhealthy for you so it gives you the knowledge to learn if there is an unfortunate toxic new relationship you somehow stumble into in any part of your life in the future. I wouldn't stay away, if I were you I'd just keep checking in with myself and know I can make a decision to leave at any time if I see things are getting a bit out of hand. It sounds like you're able to see the warning signs this time around. Take care of yourself - and well done for getting support on the NHS! Thanks for the update.

What perturbs me a bit is what if I can never forget the high? Or reconcile it and accept it as something that happened, but must never be repeated?

I really WANT intensity. I WANT to love somebody with wild abandon, to the point of madness. But I want it to be the right sort of madness, where you bring out the best in each other, not slowly destroy each other.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

I always felt pretty confident in my ability to spot a total bullsh#tter, and I really failed with my old therapist. Precisely because when I go into therapy, I make an effort to remove all my preconceptions and to be open to seeing things another way.

Yea, and also it's hard to discern a T's true nature based solely on their therapy persona.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

The name Crabcakes isn't making me feel sure that she was a great therapist

Interested in that DBT thing. Can you give an example?..
.

Is it just me having problems moving the cursur to end of a line???

If a fall asleep beford i anser will ii comback to it. ]