In a muddle

A couple of sessions ago, my T told me that I dissociate in therapy. I knew that I get really spacey, and zone out, but T said I also say things which I don't remember afterwards, which is scary.

Last session, we talked a bit about that, and about other stuff too. But as the session went on I just felt more and more dizzy and spacey. I just couldn't talk really. I couldn't make the words. I told T how I was feeling. She asked if I feel this way a lot, but mostly we had big silences. She asked how I felt in the silences, and I said 'like I am sinking'.

But still, I didn't/couldn't speak much, and T just didn't say anything. Usually she helps me out. She said at the end that it's interesting for me to reflect on what came up for me with all the silence.

I'll tell you what came up, - I don't want to go back to therapy! I feel really ****ed off with T, I feel like a grumpy brat. I'm sure this is all helpful but I was trying to think about it right now and my brain just swung out of focus. It's doing it now. I'm cross and also annoyed that I wasted a whole session sitting there like a lemon!

Anyone else have their T leave them in a fog/silence? Or had anything useful come from a session like this?
Xxx

i had many silent sessions.. i have a dissociation problem sometimes . my T used to tell me i was hypnotizing myself, because i would just sit there and close my eyes and be nothing. it was comfortable to me to be there so i would do it all the time. my T is usually pretty good at spotting it, its not as bad as it was before. he tries to talk to me and bring me back. for me , i found that cold air brings me back faster. like if its winter and im inside, i go outside and stand till i get cold.

Thanks Junk
I guess I wasn't comfortable in the silence, and it felt like such a wasted session. I think that's why I'm so angry. Why did T let me sit in it? How does it help?

maybe your T was just observing you?? i'm not sure. i wouldn't find that helpful either. maybe could be a good discussion for you and your T... figuring out what triggers the dissociation and working on techniques to help ground you back in the present moment. what do u think u need when you get like that? what do you think would be helpful for your T to do?

Red75, I relate to what you're trying to say, as I'm DID with one alter. I think the spacey, quiet times are the inner child wanting to come into the therapy, but afraid to, and looking for acceptance from the therapist first. My resistance to going to therapy was from fear that my inner child had, of being judged and preached at like my early abusive caregivers did. I wonder if your T's silence is to allow for your younger part, or parts, to come forth.

But, too much silence feels like rejection, unfortunately. It's very hard for client and therapist to tell just what is needed about dissociation...more talk, or less talk. Maybe you could help by asking T some questions about how she deals with younger parts when you aren't so spaced out. It might help the younger parts who are always listening in to T's intentions.
When I would start to space out, my T would jump right in and ask me gentle questions before I got too far gone. It was always the inner child feeling threatened and me feeling ashamed.
I got thru this impasse in therapy by asking my T what she believes in Transference. I had to know she was accepting of my more dependent inner child and was not going to lecture her about being more independent. My adult self was very critical of my "childishness" but I had to gradually get over that and let the lost little child come up and trust T. Gradually, it was easier to go to therapy and therapy made sense. It isn't a waste of time. things will happen as all of you can feel safe to be in the therapy room. Eventually, your younger parts will work with your adult self better, and free you up to do more things and feel better in life. I hope you won't give up on this very important stage. T and you just need to learn ways, gently, to work together on dissociation in the sessions.

Thanks everyone, that's really helpful
Junk, I feel like I want T to talk, ask questions, rescue me...she normally does, it feels a bit cruel that she didn't this week.

Restin, your reply was very interesting and helpful, I agree that the silence feels like rejection. Like she's fed up with me, and fed up of having to bail me out when I get stuck. I'll try to bring it up.
T often talks about my child being present in therapy, or being welcome etc, so maybe she was trying to...open up a space? But I can't handle it. I feel physically sick when I'm spacey like that, I feel like I may faint, I feel panicky that I won't get it together by the end of the session, that I'll do something or say something stupid....