[SarahSweden]

I was terminated due to a bad rupture, long story, and that was about 8 months ago. I´ve been searching for a new T since then, I´ve seen about 15 T:s for evaluation. I was about to start therapy with two or three of them but things happened along the road and I found out after a few sessions I didn´t want to continue seeing them.

The old T offered me a session to talk things through after the rupture but I couldn´t handle it and we therefore ended therapy by phone. It was a call just to talk about practical issues around ending therapy.

Before the rupture I felt the therapy was rewarding, I liked, and still like the T. I think of her daily, in the beginning I cried for several hours a day and now later on I´ve realised that I didn´t cry just out of longing for her, I cried because I lost a way to find more of my own self.

I still regret I didn´t see my T for the session she offered and as I felt she understood me and I also knew she partly had had similar problems as myself I feel I would want to start therapy with this T again.

But this T told me she thought I should choose psychoanalysis instead. I went to T:s with a psychoanalytic orientation but that didn´t feel right. I don´t have the money to attend psychoanalysis anyway.

I´m not angry about the things that was the beginning of the rupture, I just feel it was a real pity that we couldn´t solve things. This T helped me to seek for funds to be able to finance therapy and before the rupture she never talked about ending therapy or not being the right T.

I feel it´s so much at stake, I need therapy and I´ve searched for so long and I´m now thinking of writing a letter to this T, explaining my situation during the months that have passed and ask her if we can start therapy again.

The hard thing isn´t asking, it´s waiting for an answer that most likely will be "no we won´t start therapy again". I´m not at all interesting in seeing her just discussing the rupture and then say goodbye again.

How to reason around this? Is the right thing to "take a chance" and contact her or not?

[ScarletPimpernel]

Because there was a rupture, it would be a hard decision to make.

I have asked an ex-T to be my T again. She said no because she keeps her practice small: only a few clients

If you feel you can get past the rupture and are aware that things could be the same, then why not try?

[unaluna]

I think you would have the best chance if you contacted her and simply told her you wanted her help in getting unstuck in life. Then she can decide if/how she can help you - whether to give you a referral, see you for a few sessions (or more), or whatever.

[ruh roh]

I think you posted about this not long after the rupture and were very upset with her. It didn't sound like it ended well at all and that she was offering a way to have more of an ending, rather than opening the door to return. If I've got that right, then just be clear about why you're contacting her, and if it's to continue therapy then maybe share how your thinking has changed about therapy with her? And, for your own sake, be prepared for those same old feelings of anger and resentment to resurface if she doesn't respond the way you want her to.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. The thing is that I think there´s a minimal chance that she´ll start therapy with me again and I feel it won´t depend that much on what I mention about my problems. She won´t give a referall, she couldn´t when we ended therapy. In my country T:s aren´t obligated to give referalls.

Originally Posted by hankster

I think you would have the best chance if you contacted her and simply told her you wanted her help in getting unstuck in life. Then she can decide if/how she can help you - whether to give you a referral, see you for a few sessions (or more), or whatever.

[SarahSweden]

Yes, I wrote something about this when we had the rupture and I were upset. She didn´t say and I never asked why she wanted to talk things through but back then I were in such a torn state that I just let things happen. She never clearly outspoke the works "I´ll end therapy now", she just said she was hesitant about continuing and that was why I in a way gave up.

Yes, I agree with what you say about negative feelings coming back, that´s a big part in why I´m not sure whether I should contact her or not.

I feel it´s more or less impossible to find a T who you never get hurt by and I´m very sensitive in some situations. I really liked this T and felt she understood me and that´s why I´m thinking of contacting her again. I would be very disappointed if she just answered "no" to start therapy again but if I wrote to her about my feelings and my situation and she didn´t care perhaps it would be easier to stop thinking of her. I don´t know.

Originally Posted by ruh roh

I think you posted about this not long after the rupture and were very upset with her. It didn't sound like it ended well at all and that she was offering a way to have more of an ending, rather than opening the door to return. If I've got that right, then just be clear about why you're contacting her, and if it's to continue therapy then maybe share how your thinking has changed about therapy with her? And, for your own sake, be prepared for those same old feelings of anger and resentment to resurface if she doesn't respond the way you want her to.

[PinkFlamingo99]

I don't think one termination session would do much to minimize the pain. At this point I think it would probably hurt MORE, not less.

I'm in a similar situation, although there was no "rupture" exactly and I was the one who left in the end. I also wrote an email basically ending and pouring out my heart and received a response of about 4 lines, 7 weeks later. It hurt really badly but in a way it helped me to realize I was mourning a relationship that no longer exists... I think in a way that helps.

I feel your pain because I feel similar in a lot of ways. I hope you get some kind of resolution from your email, whatever form that takes.

[SarahSweden]

The session I mentioned was back then, my T never said it was specifically to end therapy but when we spoke on the phone she told me she was very hesitant about continuing therapy and that made me so anxious I couldn´t handle a meeting and we ended therapy by phone.

But now, with some perspective, I feel I gave up too easy and I feel this T understood and saw me. I´m not sure if it´s worth sending her a letter and ask her to start therapy again but at the same time I sometimes feel it´s necessary to ask. I don´t feel she was right about why we should end therapy, she said she felt that she in some way hindered me from speaking freely about things but I never felt that way.

I could really use some more advice on this.

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

I don't think one termination session would do much to minimize the pain. At this point I think it would probably hurt MORE, not less.

I'm in a similar situation, although there was no "rupture" exactly and I was the one who left in the end. I also wrote an email basically ending and pouring out my heart and received a response of about 4 lines, 7 weeks later. It hurt really badly but in a way it helped me to realize I was mourning a relationship that no longer exists... I think in a way that helps.

I feel your pain because I feel similar in a lot of ways. I hope you get some kind of resolution from your email, whatever form that takes.

[Leah123]

I don't think there's anything better you could do than take the thoughts that you shared here and give them to her. See if she's open to partnering with you again now that you've had time to reflect and now that you're sharing with her that while she may have *felt* or believed that she hindered you from speaking, that was not the reason you may have been quiet.

My only question to you would be, did you make some progress with her on your goals? If you did, I encourage you to contact her again.

Therapy will be painful in my experience, it's not the pain we should realistically hope to avoid- but stagnation. I think avoiding self-destructiveness and a lack of progress are good goals, because the work of therapy is often painful and there can be misunderstandings and disconnects, but a good therapist stays focused on helping at all times and has the tools to help you figure out and progress on your goals.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. Yes, I also feel like this, sometimes though I´m scared because if I get a "no" again, I don´t know how to proceed. I´ve already met with several other T:s and I more or less have noone else to contact as I have to choose among T:s who offer a reduced fee.

I saw this T only 12 times and we never talked about any specific goals as this was a short term therapy that focused on more acute things like trauma. My insurance company paid and the therapy was to focus manily upon unemployment. But noone can solve unemployment issues within such a short time and both my T and I established that my promblems are far more complex than just lacking a job.

Even if no specific goals were met I felt listened to and understood, I felt a bit more happy and a lot of things this T said to me were very applicable to my situation. She also pinpointed several of my problems and I felt therapy could help me forward in life.

Originally Posted by Leah123

I don't think there's anything better you could do than take the thoughts that you shared here and give them to her. See if she's open to partnering with you again now that you've had time to reflect and now that you're sharing with her that while she may have *felt* or believed that she hindered you from speaking, that was not the reason you may have been quiet.

My only question to you would be, did you make some progress with her on your goals? If you did, I encourage you to contact her again.

Therapy will be painful in my experience, it's not the pain we should realistically hope to avoid- but stagnation. I think avoiding self-destructiveness and a lack of progress are good goals, because the work of therapy is often painful and there can be misunderstandings and disconnects, but a good therapist stays focused on helping at all times and has the tools to help you figure out and progress on your goals.

[BudFox]

I went thru something similar. Confusing. I say ask for whatever you need. Why not?

Maybe you just need a better ending and some resolution. And maybe it's more than a single session. Termination should be carried out according to the client's needs even if it takes time.

Did she suggest any options for working thru the rupture or just quit on you?
In Sweden do you have therapists who act as consultants in cases of ruptures? I don't think it's ethical for Ts to force termination without trying to work thru it.