[ShaggyChic_1201]

Trigger warning for self-harm and sexual violence. Wanting support and comfort.

My T and I’ve been dealing with some of my early trauma and feel like I’ve hit a brick wall, then a truck ran over me. I had finally disclosed

Possible trigger:

that my uncle raped and sodomized me (a### and o###) when I was 13

. I felt awful all week - teetering between wanting to go back and never wanting to see her again. I did go back and shared even more.

Possible trigger:

He wasn’t the only one. And the one who was horribly abusive threatened to make me bleed if “he got s##t on his d##k.” My ex-H did gave me some hallucinogen and did the same thing, but still, it wasn’t enough to make me leave him (then).

What made me saddest is I was finally able to correlate this with my disgusting cleanliness routine. For 20+ years, until my recent divorce, I did something so shameful that I couldn’t bring myself to tell my T directly. I thought she had gotten the meaning, but realized this week that she didn’t. When she asked me what I meant, I disassociated b/f I could say anything, but came back in less than 2 minutes (according to the clock I stare at every session). I waited until there were 4 minutes left and told her.

Possible trigger:

I would use a toothbrush to scour my rectum, ignoring pain or worse.

As a T with 30+ yrs experience, I expected her to be unflapped and compassionate. She was compassionate and concerned, wondering if I still did it and if I was using anything that could cause permanent damage. She asked if I was also using laxatives or enemas, in addition to purging, to cleanse myself. As I was saying no, I realized she misunderstood. As I was bolting for the door, I said, “it was never for cleansing. It was for safety, ... I live with the fear it will happen again" and fled. She called me back into the office to say she was so happy I told her and that I had to tell her more. EEK! Said it’s the only way I can really put this stuff behind me. I sense she’s right, but there are so many things I can’t bring myself to say.

Please tell me you’ve shared something this horrible and are glad you did.

All I can say is I understand your story all too well. I feel for you, and I understand. I'm glad you were able to share that; that was huge and hopefully you'll find some relief in getting that out. I know just getting it out of my head and into someone else's was more healing than I would ever have expected.

I unrstand really well. And yes, i have shared horrible terrible thongs
Kle thos and got through it. You can too.

[growlycat]

I get this. I once told my longterm therapist that

Possible trigger:

That I have occasionally hurt myself while masturbating because part of my fetish I believe serves to master a past abusive situation. I think I do it to see that nothing can hurt me any more and that I can "take it". My past abuser really really messed with my head and it has affected my sexuality.

My T has been concerned (horrified even?) and wanted me to stop, wanted to know how often I was causing myself harm. Thankfully the rougher aspects have subsided over the years.

I hope your T is understanding--sounds like she is?

[Ad Intra]

Wow, that did take a lot to disclose. You should be proud of yourself.
Fpr some reason the worst thing I've ever said in therapy was "I deserve to be hurt."
I remember sitting there, not looking her in the eye and admitting that. I was curled up into a ball at this point. I did look up to see her grab her pen and a piece of paper and calmly ask, "Why do you deserve to be hurt?"
I can't remember what I said, but I was really emotional. After my response she said, "We're going to talk about this more."

[divine1966]

I am sorry for what you went through but I am proud of your courage. I hope you continue sharing with her and heal. Sending you hugs

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I did something similar 2 days ago, since which I've been in bed, curtains drawn, drinking. Getting lots of support and distraction on here. Feel better than I did yesterday. I nearly cancelled all my T appointments too. She asked if I wanted another session this week and I said no. I can't face anyone at the moment. I can't say I've been through this and been glad to have shared but I can say I'm going through it now and have huge empathy for how you feel. Hugs from England.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I get this. I once told my longterm therapist that

Possible trigger:

That I have occasionally hurt myself while masturbating because part of my fetish I believe serves to master a past abusive situation. I think I do it to see that nothing can hurt me any more and that I can "take it". My past abuser really really messed with my head and it has affected my sexuality.

My T has been concerned (horrified even?) and wanted me to stop, wanted to know how often I was causing myself harm. Thankfully the rougher aspects have subsided over the years.

I hope your T is understanding--sounds like she is?

You too?! That is something I've never even thought about disclosing. In fact I had completely blocked it from my mind. (thanks for reminding me )

Possible trigger:

A##hole J liked to abuse me with objects. Once he removed a lightbulb from a lamp, let it cool a few moments, threw me to the ground and forced it in me. Then he stood with his boot above me threatening to stomp on me/it so it shattered

I played a game with myself ... how much can I stand w/o screaming. I didn't scream that time and like you, would try to toughen myself up and master the pain (tho at the time it was all subconscious). For me the word would be compulsion, not fetish, as I got no enjoyment out of what I did.

My T is terrific. She said that these things I (we) did [including splitting/disassociating/and the rituals we discussed above] were an amazing adaptation by our brain to keep ourselves alive and sane. She praised me for how ingenious I was. (I can't begin to accept that yet). She also assured me that I was not the only one who did things that were ultimately harmful/dangerous in the misguided belief that they were protective.

I still can't help but feeling like my story so far is too horrifying for her. When I started 4+ years ago, I couldn't tell her what was going on in my awful marriage, so I wrote more than 150 pages of text. We never discussed it per se, but she told me she was reading it and to keep it coming. Yesterday she told me that there were many pages she had to put down. They were too intense and she was too angry for me. She felt that her hands were tied. She wanted to have ex-H arrested, or call protective services for me, but knew that I'd only side with him, and disappear from therapy. (she was right) She instead kept working with me to help me realize that I didn't deserve to be treated that way. And that it wasn't inevitable that my partner would be abusive.

She finally snapped when he drugged and raped me. I remember that day...she lost her composure for the first time. She was furious and wanted to call the police (which was unrealistic after the fact since it happened 1500 miles from home and I had no evidence). That was the first time she told me that I needed to make an exit plan and leave him. She had never "told" me anything, so I took notice. I filed for divorce 7 months later.

I really really hope dredging all this up makes my future life better. to all who relate. I'm very sorry for you too.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

Originally Posted by Little Cat

I did something similar 2 days ago, since which I've been in bed, curtains drawn, drinking. Getting lots of support and distraction on here. Feel better than I did yesterday. I nearly cancelled all my T appointments too. She asked if I wanted another session this week and I said no. I can't face anyone at the moment. I can't say I've been through this and been glad to have shared but I can say I'm going through it now and have huge empathy for how you feel. Hugs from England.

Hugs right back to you! I understand the need to remain coccooned and out of it. As long as you don't already have an alcohol issue, I see nothing wrong with it as a short-term solution. Once you feel safer, you will reemerge from your bubble...fragile but victorious.

I love the contrast between your avitar (an innocent kitty) and your tagline, walking with wolves. Given what you are going through, it couldn't be more true. Remember, kitties climb and wolves don't. You will come out on top!

[musinglizzy]

Yes, I have told my T some pretty horrible things. There are still things I never intend to say.

[bterrier]

I can relate to your situation. I'm having a hard time dealing and not punishing myself but I'm not doing a good job of it. I just opend up to my ex-T in May of this year about a little of the horrible stuff my ex-husband has put me through and continues to and everything I do to myself to cope. Unfortunately she took a sabbatical in July from doing therapy for a while - not sure how long until she comes back. So I'm alone in trying to deal with the memories and flashbacks that have been occurring. I can't find a new T that I trust to open up to like I did with my ex-T (took 6 months just to trust her enough and then she leaves). I can't share those details with anyone-I have so much guilt and shame. I feel so incomplete that we did not finish the journey. Maybe one day if she returns we can complete the journey.

Hugs to you ShaggChic!.

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by ShaggyChic_1201

You too?! That is something I've never even thought about disclosing. In fact I had completely blocked it from my mind. (thanks for reminding me )

Possible trigger:

A##hole J liked to abuse me with objects. Once he removed a lightbulb from a lamp, let it cool a few moments, threw me to the ground and forced it in me. Then he stood with his boot above me threatening to stomp on me/it so it shattered

I played a game with myself ... how much can I stand w/o screaming. I didn't scream that time and like you, would try to toughen myself up and master the pain (tho at the time it was all subconscious). For me the word would be compulsion, not fetish, as I got no enjoyment out of what I did.

My T is terrific. She said that these things I (we) did [including splitting/disassociating/and the rituals we discussed above] were an amazing adaptation by our brain to keep ourselves alive and sane. She praised me for how ingenious I was. (I can't begin to accept that yet). She also assured me that I was not the only one who did things that were ultimately harmful/dangerous in the misguided belief that they were protective.

I still can't help but feeling like my story so far is too horrifying for her. When I started 4+ years ago, I couldn't tell her what was going on in my awful marriage, so I wrote more than 150 pages of text. We never discussed it per se, but she told me she was reading it and to keep it coming. Yesterday she told me that there were many pages she had to put down. They were too intense and she was too angry for me. She felt that her hands were tied. She wanted to have ex-H arrested, or call protective services for me, but knew that I'd only side with him, and disappear from therapy. (she was right) She instead kept working with me to help me realize that I didn't deserve to be treated that way. And that it wasn't inevitable that my partner would be abusive.

She finally snapped when he drugged and raped me. I remember that day...she lost her composure for the first time. She was furious and wanted to call the police (which was unrealistic after the fact since it happened 1500 miles from home and I had no evidence). That was the first time she told me that I needed to make an exit plan and leave him. She had never "told" me anything, so I took notice. I filed for divorce 7 months later.

I really really hope dredging all this up makes my future life better. to all who relate. I'm very sorry for you too.

I'm so glad that you are doing good work with your T. Sometimes I worry that my male T's are a bit too precious about these more intimate issues. It could be the male/female divide that keeps them from asking too much. Sometimes I really need to talk about it and they seem so squeamish. Even telling CBT T that I was occasionally hit as a kid seems to horrify him. If he can't handle that, I wonder what is OK to talk about?

I like the sound of your T, that she is fearless when exploring this kind of material. And your willingness to talk about this stuff is admirable too.