[1stepatatime]

I've been seeing my therapist for over 2 years. We have a good relationship. Due to my history of childhood sexual abuse, and some other issues I tend to be guarded. Recently I've been slowly letting my guard down while with my T. I even came close to shedding some tears, it was very emotional. My T told me that I was very connected to my feelings during that experience. So during my session last night I asked my T if she felt connected to me, she replied "no, not very often". I was caught off guard and replied "really!?!" Having spent the day processing this I find myself understanding why she might feel that way then in the next minute feeling let down. I've emailed her and she said to try not to feel judged by it because it wasn't intended to be judgmental. .but dang it makes me feel bad...

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I am very sorry. I know that must hurt.

[Leah123]

Sometimes.... they just don't think before they speak. There's honesty, and there's therapeutic honesty. Sorry she screwed that one up, hopefully she can be there for you in a way that helps you feel connected to her if you two talk through that misfire.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by Leah123

Sometimes.... they just don't think before they speak. There's honesty, and there's therapeutic honesty. Sorry she screwed that one up, hopefully she can be there for you in a way that helps you feel connected to her if you two talk through that misfire.

Thank you. ..yeah, I think she screwed they one up too..we'll probably fine or way thru this but it's going to take time for me to trust her like that again. .I wish I didn't ask her that question.

[unaluna]

Idk, i went thru a period of at least a few years with this t where i wondered how people understood each other at all, let alone feel connected. I feel like my t never takes the connection for granted, he is always working at it, always actively listening. A situation came up a couple of weeks ago when he was out of town and unreachable, but i was pretty sure what his opinion would be. And turned out i was right, almost word for word! But i didnt realize until then, until it was tested in real life, how connected we had become. But first i learned more about my own feelings and needs and stuff.

Without connection, no real work can be done. That's the best I can say.

I was very guarded with my Ts too, and would say things they found shocking in a detached, matter of fact, and emotionless (or sometimes, flippant) manner.

They told me that they found it hard to connect and maintain connection with me when I was like that.

I doubt your T meant it in a judgmental way. Perhaps she meant to tell you that guardedness (and that guardedness is understandable and natural as an abuse survivor ) makes one come across as "closed off" and thus hard to connect with.

[magicalprince]

This sounds weird but I think in a way your T did a very good thing, being honest. It would have been so easy to just say what you want to hear and a lot of Ts wold have done that. Not feeling connected a lot is not a bad thing, it just takes time, honesty is the foundation for that as well as being yourself which it sounds like you are getting more comfortable with.

Maybe she didn't phrase it that tactfully but believe me, the most hurtful thing is for T to offer an empty "yes"

[Perna]

I think when you can understand your T not feeling connected, you will better understand how to connect. Both sides have to connect for it to work. If you are "guarded" then T cannot connect; it is not that she would not like to but that you do not make it possible.

Perhaps your therapist felt she was being honest answering a very direct question from you about the relationship between the two of you, but I have to say that I think she failed to explain further, to open the topic to a eye opening, helpful discussion. Yes, I think that our guardedness can cause our therapists to feel left out, left behind, shut out, excluded and/or abandoned in the relationship. But I'd have a hard time believing that this is most of the time. I'm sad that she didn't go on to elaborate about what's happening between the two of you when she's feeling disconnected and what's going on between the two of you when she's feeling connected. What is being said or how are you behaving when she feels shut out? When are the times when she felt that you let her in and connected with her--what are you saying or what are you doing that fosters the connection. She needed to be more specific.

My last therapist said something similar to me that really hurt me and caused me to withdraw. Like you, I felt the beginning of a connection. I began to trust that she really heard me on a deep level. I opened up to the ugliness that dwelled deep inside of me--a well of self-hatred that is vast and very ugly. I wanted her to see that part of me, to understand just how crippling it was to me because it lives inside of me like a separate entity that never sleeps. Her comment was, "It's very hard to listen to you when you're talking about yourself in such a self-loathing way." I was like WTF!? I actually said or thought that inside; I didn't speak it aloud because I immediately pulled back and realized that she wasn't able to handle that part of myself. It made her uncomfortable and her comment made me believe that she didn't want to hear it or examine it. There was no attempt on either of our parts to clarify that situation and consequently, the tenuous connection that was beginning to bloom between us died on the vine. Another missed opportunity.

I'm glad you feel that the two of you will be able to work this through. That is such a great way to view what happened. It might be helpful to be brave enough to tell her how you were hurt by what she said and asking her to clarify a bit more about what's happening between the two of you that causes the disconnect (from her perspective) and what's happening between the two of you during those times that she feels connected. Ask her to be specific with real life examples of both times. Then, you can talk about your perspective of those times. I think it might lead to such a powerful moment between the two of you! Good luck.

I suspect you aren't working on the same definition/concept of connection. It means one thing to you and another to your therapist. Stopdog just started a thread about the idea of connection. It will be interesting to see how different people define that concept. My guess is that there will be several different beliefs about what connection actually means.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by Perna

I think when you can understand your T not feeling connected, you will better understand how to connect. Both sides have to connect for it to work. If you are "guarded" then T cannot connect; it is not that she would not like to but that you do not make it possible.

While that might be true part of the time it's not true all of the time. We have connected several times,especially recently. I'm working on it though
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