[WanderingBark]

T and I had a very productive session recently (I'd say our most productive), but he had said something that really hurt my feelings. We were talking about being present in the moment with each other and I had said that to be 100% present I would need to be friends with the person/know a little bit about them. To which T replied, "I know you want me to be your friend, but we're never going to be friends. I'm not your friend".

I completely understand this--he legally can't be my friend and I would never want him to put his career on the line, I was just trying to explain why it was hard for me to be totally present and vulnerable. Ugh.

What have you done when T said something that hurt your feelings?

[Petra5ed]

Eventually, talk about it. My therapist said something about a "business relationship" and later said something about therapy relationships not being "real." Both of those just devastated me. Eventually I brought it up. Honestly though, I still don't feel right with the therapy relationship. I don't understand it and not sure I ever will.

[SkyscraperMeow]

That sounds really clumsy, unskilful and even somewhat cruel. A therapist might not be your friend, but the relationship is designed to be deeper and more transformational than most friendships are.

I personally wouldn't and don't have time for therapists who think they can sit in a safe little tower keeping themselves completely separate from the client. There's no relationship when one party isn't engaged or known in any way.

Definitely worth discussing further with your therapist. There's nothing wrong with not feeling safe sharing with someone you don't know at all. Most of us don't.

[ruh roh]

Several months ago, my therapist said something to me that stung (on a different topic than yours). I didn't say or do anything, but she saw right away that it had an effect on me. She outright said that she could see she had hurt my feelings and was sorry. I said yeah, it did hurt. That was about the extent of it, though. There wasn't much more for either of us to say on it. She had chosen her words poorly, but what she'd said wasn't untrue, so it wasn't like I could argue about it. There was an earlier thing that had happened that hurt, too, but was also unavoidable, and she did what she could to correct it. We talked about that again today and she understood from a deeper level why that thing that happened had hit directly on my soft spot. It worked out pretty well because it brought out something I don't deal with, but need to.

Basically, I don't think that being hurt is avoidable, but it can be helpful if a) the therapist apologizes and b) the deeper issue is addressed. In your case, I would bring it up at some point to make sure your relationship is okay and that he understands how that was hurtful.

[Daystrom]

This kind of thing would really piss me off and I'd probably stay angry and end up dropping her.

I've cut people out of my lives before when I thought they were screwing around with me or taking advantage of me. Ironically it's one of the things I'm trying to fix.

[WanderingBark]

Daystrom, it's interesting that you bring this up because my reaction was anger and I had the thought of cutting my T out of my life (although I don't want to now, it was a knee jerk reaction in the moment). I also realized that I feel like my T is screwing around with my emotions a bit and I don't know what to do...

He's been very good about setting boundaries but he doesn't always keep to them and so I'm confused about 1) what those boundaries truly are and 2) what does it mean/look like to operate within those boundaries he's set. I guess I should bring this (and the fact that he hurt my feelings) up during our next session.

Originally Posted by Daystrom

This kind of thing would really piss me off and I'd probably stay angry and end up dropping her.

I've cut people out of my lives before when I thought they were screwing around with me or taking advantage of me. Ironically it's one of the things I'm trying to fix.

I have a really hard time discussing anything that has to do with my relationship with my T. I also tend to be the kind to just cut people out of my life when they do something that hurts me. I feel like admitting that someone has hurt me makes me look weak. I know at some point (if I stay in therapy long enough), I'll have to have a dreaded discussion about hurt feelings. But I don't want to - it sucks.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I'm not very good at confronting my T the moment she says something that hurts me. I instantly cry. I shut down. And I will change the subject. But I don't actually process what happened until later. Once I do process it, I will confront her. Sometimes I email her, other times I wait till our new session. And then we talk it out. We talk about our perspective, our intentions, and then feelings.

And my Ts have hurt my feelings a few times. Ex-T said I've had a lot of one night stands with my fiance Group T told me I'm being resistant. Current T has hurt my feelings too, but it wasn't a phrase that upset me. It's more her actions.

I tell her and we talk about it.

Eventually.

[atisketatasket]

Neither has hurt my feelings (it takes a lot to hurt my feelings - it would have to be a deliberate insult plus it would have to be someone who mattered to me, like family or a close friend), but they have made mistakes - at which point they hear about it.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I tell her that she hurt me and why and we talk about it. I find it unproductive if I don't tell her she hurt me. You can't fix anything that way.

[LonesomeTonight]

I understand how the "not friends" thing can hurt. I was recently talking with my T about how it felt almost like she and MC had unconditional love for me, which I felt I didn't get from my parents (yes, I have some maternal/paternal transference). After seeing my T's expression, I quickly added how I knew the T-client relationship was different, and she was like, "Yes, it's a different relationship," so I felt a little shut down. I sent her an e-mail right after the session, and she responded quickly and explained better what she'd meant, which helped me feel better. We then discussed briefly in the next session.

I also last week was a bit upset by my marriage counselor, who I felt cut me off in talking about something important to me and changed the subject (it's a bit more complicated than that). I sent him an e-mail the day after the appointment (my husband knew I was doing this), he responded and apologized, saying he hadn't meant it that way. Then in our session yesterday, he wanted to to discuss why I'd sent the e-mail instead of waiting till the next session. I said in therapy (with my T), I'd found that it worked better for me to express if I was angry or upset at the time, rather than letting it fester in my head. MC said maybe it's better if I sit with the anxiety (like till the next session), since that's something I have to work on.

Tomorrow I'm discussing with T the best approach--I saw the e-mailing/bringing it up at the time thing to be progress for me, as I've been using that approach the past 6 months or so, whether with my H, T, MC, or other people in my life, and T seemed to agree last time we discussed it.

So, to respond to your question, I feel like it's best to bring it up. Otherwise, it can kind of grow in your mind into something bigger than it originally was and lead to tension between you. When it could have just been quickly resolved and dealt with.

You may have felt hurt. But T's aren't our 'friends'. It doesn't work if they are. It's not a weapon to attack you. I'd Talgarth about why that felt so awful for you.

[Daystrom]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

You may have felt hurt. But T's aren't our 'friends'.

No kidding. My friends don't charge me a hundred bucks an hour to talk to them.

[WanderingBark]

As a quick update, I spoke to my T about it during our last session and he explained his perspective and I explained mine. I actually feel much closer and much happier with my T now

[Leah123]

Good going! I think that's some of the most valuable and toughest part of therapy.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by WanderingBark

As a quick update, I spoke to my T about it during our last session and he explained his perspective and I explained mine. I actually feel much closer and much happier with my T now

I am so glad to hear that! Same thing happened with my T when I told her something she said bothered me. I liked hearing it from her side and I felt so much more connected.

[Bipolar Warrior]

My therapist/mentor at university has upset me a couple of times, and I can never really confront her about it properly without revealing my transference.

Last week she forgot about me. She said the week before that she would text me to let me know if she wanted me in at 1pm or 1:30 next time, and then she never texted me. When I feel insecure about a relationship I tend to come up with ridiculous "potential explanations" as to why the person would forget about me (or not respond to my texts, etc.), and this was no exception. I somehow convinced myself that it was personal, that she simply didn't want to see me or was annoyed with me or something. So instead of doing the rational thing of texting her myself, I did nothing.

It really upsets me that she forgot about me, but it upsets me even more that it upsets me so much in the first place (yikes that sounds ridiculous). I'm just one of her students. She simply forgot one of her students.

I'm seeing her tomorrow, and I am trying to think of a way to talk to her about this without revealing just how important she is to me and the fact that I love her because that makes me feel so pathetic. Maternal transference sucks. I want it to go away, but it just seems to be getting worse. The idea of talking to her about that actually terrifies me and I really don't think I can do it.

[Gaygal]

I think that our therapists are meant to "love" us in the sense that they want what is best for us. The Greeks had a word for a love which describes willing the good of another without any sexual or parental overtones - Agape. This is just a form of love for humanity in general. A person may will the good of another without even meeting them, for example we may will the good of people struggling with famine or war either with donations or simply saying a prayer. This was regarded as one of the highest forms of love and it is non exploitative and asks nothing for itself. So in a sense a therapist should have Agape for us. The concept fits in well with the Hippocratic oath that a physician is meant to do no harm and act for the well being of their patients.

[WanderingBark]

Hi Warrior,

I can relate to your story. Although my transference is erotic in nature, I understand not wanting to show your therapist how much you care for her because I didn't want to show mine either. However, I will say for me, it was immensely helpful to show my therapist how much he meant to me because 1) withholding my transference meant withholding the truth and a vital part of myself, which ultimately meant I was cheating myself out of a richer and more helpful therapy 2) I found that although the "caring" my therapist has for me is fundamentally different than the erotic fulfillment I want from him, it was still gratifying to know that while I'm in session with him, I do matter just as much as he matters to me...just in a different way and 3) my therapist helped me overcome feelings of shame which helped me accept my feelings and the dynamic of our therapy.

I suspect your therapist will be able to articulate something akin to this if you give her the chance to be there for you. I understand this is SO HARD to do, but if you can get to that space just long enough to be open with her--I think it will do way more good than harm.

Originally Posted by Bipolar Warrior

My therapist/mentor at university has upset me a couple of times, and I can never really confront her about it properly without revealing my transference.

Last week she forgot about me. She said the week before that she would text me to let me know if she wanted me in at 1pm or 1:30 next time, and then she never texted me. When I feel insecure about a relationship I tend to come up with ridiculous "potential explanations" as to why the person would forget about me (or not respond to my texts, etc.), and this was no exception. I somehow convinced myself that it was personal, that she simply didn't want to see me or was annoyed with me or something. So instead of doing the rational thing of texting her myself, I did nothing.

It really upsets me that she forgot about me, but it upsets me even more that it upsets me so much in the first place (yikes that sounds ridiculous). I'm just one of her students. She simply forgot one of her students.

I'm seeing her tomorrow, and I am trying to think of a way to talk to her about this without revealing just how important she is to me and the fact that I love her because that makes me feel so pathetic. Maternal transference sucks. I want it to go away, but it just seems to be getting worse. The idea of talking to her about that actually terrifies me and I really don't think I can do it.

What do I do when my T hurts me? Well he's only ever done it once. It was only four words but it broke me. I've never told him (it was a year ago). He has no idea, but I still cry myself to sleep at night.