Right to exist

I think somewhere, on some level, deep deep inside of me, I've never allowed myself the right to exist. Thinking about that this morning brings up feelings of saddness and anger at the lost yrs.

My thinking of death has never bothered me because part of me has never felt here anyway. I was lying this morning thinking about my children and never had thoughts of them being on this earth alone without me one day, because Ive never allowed myself to be part of that life where I realy exist, so part of me already sees my children as existing without me.

I think suicide attempts have been a way of trying to make the outside match the inside. I live on a kind of two tier existence. My body is here, but somehow my soul died a long time ago.

Being with T is the only time I've begun to feel as if I exist, when T takes a break I feel as if my soul is being ripped out once again, except of course its not and I have some memorys of how I feel when in session now to keep with me and know I exist inside and outside of T because I can feel that part I feel in session.

Its hard to hold onto enought of it, and for any lenght of time, but its true I do exist becasue here I am and T is where she is unyet I still think and breath.

Its amazing how just sitting with someone, talking and talking and listning and listning brings you back to life, lets you see and know who you are.

ITs amazing how nesscary that is, to verbalise your thoughts and feelings to make yourself 3D.

It also feels scary to begin to realise you do exist because with that comes the reality that one day you will cease to exist permenantly, and i;ve spent so many yrs not exist that I feel I have so much lost time to catch up on..but today is all that really counts so today I will live my life as fully as possible, be part of my own life.

Does anyone else feel this way??

Great post, I relate to a lot of it
(((((((( mouse )))))))
(sorry not many words)

hey. i feel the same a lot of the time.
talked to my t today... and realised... that i spent quite a lot of my childhood trying to make other people happy.
mostly that involved me dissociating from / denying / averting my awareness from my needs, thoughts, feelings, and desires. needed to avert my attention from it so i could do what i needed to do to obtain some semblance of care.

and so...
now i feel like i don't really have a self.
now i feel like i don't really have a core.
feel numbness or pain, numbness or pain.
don't know how i feel, what i think, what i need, what i desire most of the time
'cause i've dissociated from it for so long...
feel dead.

but t is different.
therapy is about me (for the first time in my life)
i can express fairly much anything...
anything...
and he accepts it.
he accepts it.
its helping me figure out who i am...
slowly...
and it hurts too...
hang in there.

((Mouse))

This is interesting because I've never thought of it quite this way but certainly identify with much of what you said. The "real me" has not existed for a long time becaue she was denied existence by those who were supposed to be supporting, loving her.

In therapy, the me who has been hiding has been showing up more and more often.

Hmmmm, yes on many levels I identify with what you said. Since I have been in therapy, I am connecting with my children on a more meaningful and honest level.

Thanks Mouse for putting this out there.

Off to work I go.

Mouse... Do you mind my asking...and please do not feel obligated to answer this... This is such an amazing thing to ask about right to exist.

I sometimes I wonder that about me particularly when I get on a depressive tear... I also wonder without being productive... without hubby or kids... what is it all about? (Still on depressive tear...)

I think it is interesting that you have what I consider a producing life with a hubby and kids that you have produced. If you have felt like you did not have a right to exist... how did you move forward with all of these wonderful things and still feel this way? I am sorry Mouse.

There is also the question of what of us have to offer the world and there must be a purpose and reason for all of us but sometimes... I do not know.

I love your posts and think that you are growing by leaps and bounds. You always give me food for thought. Thanks.

I guess my humerous self says someone has to keep our Pdocs/Ts in business.

SG, I don't mind you asking at all. Infact your question gave me food for thought. I am not a believer in God or some higher power, but I guess Id have to say the instint to survive kept mem going. You know like an abandoned garden that has had rubbish thrown into it for yrs, but if you take your time you will come across 1 flower that grows and keeps its beauty and amongst the debris it pushes its way through toward the light.

Somewhere deep inside me is the will to love and be loved. Its in all of us, that inate drive to go forward.

That was a nice answer Mouse. Thanks.

((Alex))

Glad things are about you....

Sorry you are hurting...

Mouse, I like the story about the flower pushing up through the debris! I often talk of the small kernel of hope that lives within me—that little bit of me that keeps me hanging on. My T and I have been trying to make this part of me grow bigger—just like your flower.

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DePressMe said:
I often talk of the small kernel of hope that lives within me—that little bit of me that keeps me hanging on. My T and I have been trying to make this part of me grow bigger—just like your flower.

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I like these metaphors. This one especially resonated as my T and I sometimes talk about how relationships can just go on for a long, long time, when it would really be better to end them. For me, there was always a small kernel of hope I clung to that I could make my marriage work. I really tried so hard and so long, always clinging to a kernel of hope that I probably should have let go much sooner. Oh, well. So for me, it is that I need to let go of the kernel, not try to make it grow bigger. To face the truth.

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DePressMe said:
Mouse, I like the story about the flower pushing up through the debris! I often talk of the small kernel of hope that lives within me—that little bit of me that keeps me hanging on. My T and I have been trying to make this part of me grow bigger—just like your flower.

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I too love this DePressMe... I am looking for that kernel right now.... must be here somewhere. Yes... hope is imperative to finding that flower in the rough and nourishing it and making it grow. Thanks Mouse and DePressMe