[Favorite Jeans]

Some years back when my mom was sick and dying and I was spending a lot of time at my parents' place, I was struck by how much lasagna they got.

Seriously. It felt like every day someone rang the doorbell and was like, oh hey guys, I don't want to take too much of your time, just wanted to see how things are going and give you this lasagna, I hope tomorrow will be a better day, well gotta run...

The sense of community, the love and support, was overwhelming.

I don't have that in my life right now. To be sure, nobody's dying--but it's an exceptionally hard time nevertheless. My partner has emerged from many months of hardcore depression and has unilaterally decided that we need to separate, which I absolutely do not want and did not see coming. It feels like the bottom has just fallen out on my life. It's lonely and scary.

I find myself wishing a lot that my T were part of the lasagna crew. She is gentle and patient with me. She helps me figure out how to survive in the short and medium term. She lets me be and angry, sad, confused or whatever for as long as I need--or until the end of the session at any rate. But she will never be part of the kind of community that shows up with food and says we're here for you. She is my imaginary friend, not my helpful neighbor. This distinction is especially poignant because my T is literally my neighbour (lives on the next block) and I see her around but of course, appropriately she's only there for me in session.

I need her as my kind imaginary friend but I really need some helpful neighbours too. I would love her to be that but know she cannot. I need a lasagna crew. I have not cultivated that community and now it feels my life is socially impoverished. I have put a lot more emotional energy into therapy than into friendships and I wish now that I'd pushed myself harder to be social. I work long hours with colleagues I like, felt very close to my partner, have little kids and a basically introverted nature so I had not, until now, felt so inclined to go out and pursue friendships or join groups.

How does your T fit into your sense of community or social support network? Do you feel that therapy steals focus or energy from growing other relationships?

My therapist has been talking a lot about self-care. I do see the importance of diet, exercise, adequate sleep, massage, warm baths and all that good stuff. But what I need right now is that lasagna community. I realize that nothing can shield us from ever experiencing fear, loneliness and despair, but I imagine that this type of pain is buffered better by friends than by baths.

Do you have people to bring you lasagna when you need it? How did you get them? I'm open to suggestions.

[RedSun]

Yes, I have lasagna friends. I met most (all?) through my children, when they were at toddler groups, also in the school playground. In my experience, this is the number one place to meet people, and although not all my best friends have children the same age, I met them all either at my children's school or through friends or events connected to school.
I also met some people I'm not friends with...

I do also think that the therapy relationship can detract from friendships IRL. For me personally, therapy has often brought up issues that have made me by preoccupied, sometimes depressed or angry...it detaches me somewhat from my friends and children

We are fortunate enough to have a very large lasagna community of support. Probably the strongest of that kind of support comes from our church choir. When my husband was in the ICU, they literally brought over lasagna (and chicken pot pie and hamburgers, etc.) for several weeks every night to be sure the boys were getting meals and I didn't have to worry about at least that one thing in my life. If we don't need that kind of support, they are still there to listen and pray and just be there if that is what we need. We are very much a family in our choir, supporting various members through job loss, surgeries, cancer, death, etc. In addition to the church choir, my coworkers are marvelous sources of support at work. In a few cases over the years, they have just told me to go, take care of myself or my family, and they stepped right in and made sure my classes kept going. As they always remind me, they collectively have hundreds of years of experience; they can figure out what to do with my classes in an emergency. And of course there is my family itself -- both immediate and extended, we are a family of acceptance and support in every way we can possibly be for each other.

For a while in my life, I had isolated myself and wasn't utilizing the support of my church or my coworkers. I was caught up in my own depression and fears, and forgot that there is really nothing more important in my life than relationships. That really was an error on my part and made life much harder than it needed to be. I am so glad that I finally took the risk to rejoin those groups socially and emotionally because their support is integral in making it through life's stresses.

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by Red75

I do also think that the therapy relationship can detract from friendships IRL. For me personally, therapy has often brought up issues that have made me by preoccupied, sometimes depressed or angry...it detaches me somewhat from my friends and children

Yeah. I think sometimes therapy leaves me in a kind of fog. Sometimes it takes energy from me that I might otherwise put toward socializing. Sometimes I do want to talk and give a real answer when people ask how I am but one doesn't just say "oh you know, therapy has been really intense, trauma work is such a ******!" So I just say fine but then no connection is made.

No lasagna for mastodons - I don't make that kind of friends, and I am learning that it is a good thing that I don't. And T is not a support system in any way, for me. Not his job, and I take that as proof that it's not something I should have even if I should need it.

[Ad Intra]

Wish I could make you an extra cheesy lasagna. I can't imagine what it feels like to be going through this. It sounds tough.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by Mastodon

No lasagna for mastodons - I don't make that kind of friends, and I am learning that it is a good thing that I don't. And T is not a support system in any way, for me. Not his job, and I take that as proof that it's not something I should have even if I should need it.

Why is it a good thing, Mast? I had surgery a couple years ago and a gal from work brought a dish for the family that I just had to throw in the oven. It was delicious! I remember how great that felt...I've never had anyone else do that, before or after. Still makes me smile to think back on that, and to know she cared enough to do that!

[scorpiosis37]

No lasagna crew here, either. Going through life without a lasagna crew is rough! All I can say is that you are not alone; I can definitely relate to what it feels like to see everyone around you getting lasagnas when they struggle, and then never getting a lasagna yourself, when you are struggling! Honestly, I can't even imagine how good it must feel to see that someone cares about you enough to bring you a lasagna!

While I don't know any of the specifics of your situation (just that it sounds rough!), when I broke up with my domestic partner, I tried calling all of my friends, family members, etc, trying to get some support. Not one of them came to see me, took the time to talk to me on the phone, etc. Just lots and lots of "oh, I'm sorry to hear that, anyway, I have to go" or even "oh, really? well, that's probably for the best." In stark contrast, when my sister broke up with her boyfriend (who she was not married/partnered with, and who she had dated for a shorter amount of time), my sister had the biggest lasagna crew I have ever seen! Even our dad was doing that kind of stuff for her when, a year earlier, he had done NOTHING for me. That was ROUGH! My sister hadn't even been there for me during my break up, and yet she expected me to be there for hers. And when mutual friends have gone through break ups since then, my sister definitely did not bring them lasagna! So why did everyone show up for my sister? Why do some people get lasagna crews and others don't? I couldn't tell you. All I can say is that you DESERVE a lasagna crew and, if there was a button on here for a lasagna emoji, I would be sending you one right now!

A lasagna community is a wonderful thing. I've been on the receiving end of one and I've been part of the lasagna brigade for others. Three years ago, I moved west to help my aging parents. I left a community I had lived in for over thirty years, leaving behind a solid, very large group of lasagna loving friends and acquaintances. It was and remains lasagna community, but I'm only a part of it via phone and text. . . not the same. I miss it very much. At my older age, I'm finding it very hard to replicate that compassion, care and support in my new hometown.

I'm sorry things are so hard right now. I'm sending you a big internet pan of bubbling cheesy lasagna!

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

Why is it a good thing, Mast? I had surgery a couple years ago and a gal from work brought a dish for the family that I just had to throw in the oven. It was delicious! I remember how great that felt...I've never had anyone else do that, before or after. Still makes me smile to think back on that, and to know she cared enough to do that!

That sounds nice. I'm glad you had that experience. I never claimed that it is a good thing for anyone else... it is simply not something I could have and so I have to find the positive side to that. But that's irrelevant to this thread.

[PinkFlamingo99]

I don't have lasagna ppl either but I don't think it has to do with therapy. More with mental illness and social anxiety. I think if therapy doesn't HELP you live a better life, maybe therapy isn't a great idea, or maybe it's the wrong kind of therapy or wrong therapist.

[stopdog]

I have a close circle of friends that I have known for 30 years. I also have my family - who for all of our non-agreement - would still come to each other's aid. Also I have many colleagues that would help me out and I have helped them from time to time when occasions arose.

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

I don't have lasagna ppl either but I don't think it has to do with therapy. More with mental illness and social anxiety. I think if therapy doesn't HELP you live a better life, maybe therapy isn't a great idea, or maybe it's the wrong kind of therapy or wrong therapist.

Ditto.

Therapy has been a support to me in trying to create a life, not a distraction from it. Unless it's a phase, I don't think therapy is helpful if it becomes isolating.

I think I have one lasagna friend. She lives too far away for a delivery, but she did make the trip to go with me to a pdoc appt and insisted on soup after. I don't know how I landed her. I am in general, a helpful person and am there for others, but other than this one friend, they are reliably absent when I'm in need.

[Favorite Jeans]

From what I have seen, few communities can match churches (and equivalent places in other religions) for lasagna. That sense of support and belonging can be truly invaluable. Indeed, I think that this is where much of my parents' lasagna crew came from.

I am not a religious person in the sense of being a believer and have often been (or at any rate felt) marginalized within the religious community in which I grew up. However, I am actually going to give it another try this year for the cultural/ritual/tradition aspects (somehow deeply ingrained despite my atheism) and for the sense of community.

Originally Posted by lolagrace

We are fortunate enough to have a very large lasagna community of support. Probably the strongest of that kind of support comes from our church choir. When my husband was in the ICU, they literally brought over lasagna (and chicken pot pie and hamburgers, etc.) for several weeks every night to be sure the boys were getting meals and I didn't have to worry about at least that one thing in my life. If we don't need that kind of support, they are still there to listen and pray and just be there if that is what we need. We are very much a family in our choir, supporting various members through job loss, surgeries, cancer, death, etc. In addition to the church choir, my coworkers are marvelous sources of support at work. In a few cases over the years, they have just told me to go, take care of myself or my family, and they stepped right in and made sure my classes kept going. As they always remind me, they collectively have hundreds of years of experience; they can figure out what to do with my classes in an emergency. And of course there is my family itself -- both immediate and extended, we are a family of acceptance and support in every way we can possibly be for each other.

For a while in my life, I had isolated myself and wasn't utilizing the support of my church or my coworkers. I was caught up in my own depression and fears, and forgot that there is really nothing more important in my life than relationships. That really was an error on my part and made life much harder than it needed to be. I am so glad that I finally took the risk to rejoin those groups socially and emotionally because their support is integral in making it through life's stresses.

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

I don't have lasagna ppl either but I don't think it has to do with therapy. More with mental illness and social anxiety. I think if therapy doesn't HELP you live a better life, maybe therapy isn't a great idea, or maybe it's the wrong kind of therapy or wrong therapist.

Maybe it is... What a terrifying thought!

However, I'm choosing to believe that therapy is where my focus has needed to be for the last few years, even when the resources I've sunk into have come at the expense of other important things. I am going to decide that therapy has helped me reach a point where I am able to identify what I need and reach out and find/build community in (I hope) a healthy way.

It's entirely possible that this is a kind of rationalization. I believe in economics they call it a "framing effect of sunk cost" or something? Economists did I remember right? But I think psychologically, how we frame our past experiences and decisions, which elements of the truth we choose to prioritize in our narratives, give meaning to our lives and importantly, gives us opportunities to feel better about ourselves.

...And now I've digressed so badly that I've hijacked my own thread!

[growlycat]

If things were to really go south I might have a small lasagna crew from work.

However, what I need is a ginger ale friend who will drop by when I'm sick and go pick up meds and ginger else for me. I don't have that.

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

From what I have seen, few communities can match churches (and equivalent places in other religions) for lasagna. That sense of support and belonging can be truly invaluable. Indeed, I think that this is where much of my parents' lasagna crew came from.

I am not a religious person in the sense of being a believer and have often been (or at any rate felt) marginalized within the religious community in which I grew up. However, I am actually going to give it another try this year for the cultural/ritual/tradition aspects (somehow deeply ingrained despite my atheism) and for the sense of community.

There are churches that are not traditional protestant denominations. I'm not that familiar with them, but it seems like the Unitarian Universalist churches (somebody correct me if I'm giving the wrong name) are more about finding your own spiritual path rather than the traditional Christian route. Might be something to look into; I'm just not all that familiar with it. I'm in a very moderate (some would even say liberal but I think that might be going too far) major protestant denomination that is very welcoming, very non-judgmental, not exclusionary.

I grew up in church. Mom was the organist, so we pretty much were there all the time. It was a very close-knit family of support, and fortunately we have found much the same in the church we are members of now (same denomination). You just have to look around until you find a church that feels right for you if that's the route you pursue. For us, it is about so much more than just the church services, and when I isolated and withdrew because of my depression and other issues, it left me feeling very alone. I finally regained the courage and motivation to return and am so glad I did. My sons and I all sing together in the choir, and therein is our little circle of family within the church. It's kind of cool because the oldest member is 88 and my 16-year-old is the youngest. We like the multigenerational aspect of that interaction.

My colleagues turned against me. My T turned against me. My lasagna is Stouffers if I have one in the freezer.

[atisketatasket]

Well, the piece of lasagna I just ate was made by me last weekend from scratch, so I bring me lasagna!

But to answer your more general question, I get "lasagna" from the usual sources - friends, family - but also the most random people who do things like smile at me if I'm visibly having a bad day. Or, when I started losing weight and couldn't eat much due to a medical condition, colleagues I didn't even really know kept bringing me food. They knew it wasn't natural, but they also knew I wanted privacy, so this was their solution. I was touched (even though I couldn't eat most of their offerings).

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by Mastodon

That sounds nice. I'm glad you had that experience. I never claimed that it is a good thing for anyone else... it is simply not something I could have and so I have to find the positive side to that. But that's irrelevant to this thread.

I'm sorry.

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

From what I have seen, few communities can match churches (and equivalent places in other religions) for lasagna. That sense of support and belonging can be truly invaluable. Indeed, I think that this is where much of my parents' lasagna crew came from.


I am not a religious person in the sense of being a believer and have often been (or at any rate felt) marginalized within the religious community in which I grew up. However, I am actually going to give it another try this year for the cultural/ritual/tradition aspects (somehow deeply ingrained despite my atheism) and for the sense of community.

I gave religion a try this summer (I'm Humanist). Conclusion: as much as I appreciate all the support and resources from that church, I'll never be part of it enough to be part of their lasagne crew. Too much biting my tongue and squelching my identity. I'll just have to get my lasagne crew the hard way. Mind you, I'm not too badly off. My connection to family (and the rest of the world in general honestly) has improved drastically since getting out of my marriage. They're just far away...

[Leah123]

Favorite Jeans, I truly love that question, it's thought-provoking and I can really relate. I don't have much lasagna community these days. I founded a playgroup when my daughter was young, but after 2-3 years, I supported the father of one of the families in a custody dispute and got alienated from my core group who came out on the other side of the debate. That was a hard loss.

I do count myself lucky, very lucky, that my mother-in-law moved up to live near us about 11 years ago- when I gave birth, she filled my freezer, and it really was touching. I'll never forget that, especially being estranged from my own mother. And when she and my FiL have needed it, I'm certainly there for them too with lasagna.

When I worked at a business, I think I could have counted on a bit more support, but my coworkers now are all online, as I work from home and so I do have a friend who sends things via amazon, and the group sent me a lovely gift in the summer when I graduated college.

I also have a neighbor I can count on in an emergency, the type whose mail I pick up when she's out of town.

So, I have something, but I don't have a church group (that is a definite source of built in community for those who are religious and attend in my experience) or other support system in person.

I have been working a bit on cultivating one.

I chat with my new next door neighbor, but stop short of inviting them for dinner. I am also a little wary of getting too close, i.e. entangled with them in case our personalities don't suit each other.

I've dipped my toes into meetup and craigslist as well.

I think when I start volunteering again, I'll connect more with a lasagna crowd. Here's hoping. It's a lovely, lovely thing to have.

Good luck to you developing this- it's definitely never too late- our needs do shift over time- I too have had more introverted periods, but it doesn't mean we can't adjust to create what we want later.

I do think therapy has been so compelling that I've used time I could have used to socialize a bit more, but I think that's been necessary, and that having done the work I need has also encouraged me to be closer to those I am near and reach out a bit more, so I think it waxes and wanes and don't think there's anything wrong with that.

even if I had people who were willing to be in my lasagna crew I don't think I would let them help me, as i have this weird idea about being independent and that means rejecting offers of support.

[divine1966]

I don't have as much as I used to as I moved continents so crew is much smaller. I do know a lot if people but they aren't close friends per se. But I do have my family. Thankfully they aren't far. We can rely on each other. I don't see my t that often and although I do value my therapy it doesn't play major part in my life

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[HowDoYouFeelMeow?]

No one makes lasagna for this meow but herself. My cats provide me with fur deposits, though.