Self-disclosure in the here-and-now

I always thought of self-dislosure as personal. The question, "Does your therapist self-dislcose?" made me think of a therapist telling a client about personal stuff-- history that he thought would help the client, family issues, where he went on vacation, etc. My therapist never disclosed anything personal to me, only that he doesn't like 'American Idol.' (Long story, lol. He said, "I don't think it would be too much self-disclosure to tell you....") But anyway, I have always been very content with the fact that he does not disclose personal information. My 1st therapist would disclose personal information here and there-- where she went on vacation, what colleges her kids were going to, etc. I didn't like it. I ended up focusing too much on the personal stuff I know and there ended up being a lot of unnecessary transference there.

I know that when I end up doing individual therapy with clients, I will keep with the concept of not disclosing personal information. As far as group therapy, which is what I'm doing now, I do disclose little bits of information. For example, when I am doing music therapy, if a client asks me what type of music I listen to, I will tell. It facillitates conversation among group members. It's different in group therapy, especially in an acute inpatient setting, as you may want the clients to model your behavior. I would not do the same in an individual setting.

So what is the point of this? Yes, you might be asking yourselves that at this time, lol... The point is, I always thought that my therapist never self-discloses to me. Then I found out that he does, in fact, self-disclose. He self-discloses quite often.

There is the here-and-now type of self-disclosure. The disclosure of emotion. So, so important. When my T tells me how he is feeling at the moment when I tell him something; when he feels along with me; when I can see it so genuinely in his face-- he is engaging in self-disclosure of the here-and-now of his emotions.

Yes, I think my therapist discloses information about herself when she shares emotions with me. Also, as I follow her direction in therapy—that tells me about her too. She does not really disclose personal things—she probably would tell me things like favorite music or something simple. Tell you the truth, I have never really asked. We have been seeing each other for about 4 months or so—I think she will share more personal info as time goes on…

Pinksoil, A good topic! Yes I am learning also that peoples "details" are basically irrelevant to my life. That sounds harsh I feel as I type this, but this has been something that has been coming into my experience of life of late.

For instance, sitting in the car today with one of my daughters, and my daughter said "mum the guy in the car next to us, you should see the bling bling his wearing " LOL

OK this may sound irrelevant, but I caught myself about to look, then T came to mind and how she is never obviously interested in my "chat" and I asked myself how I was feeling in that moment, and realised that was much more important to *ME* then what some guy was wearing..

Not sure if I'm making myself clear here. But I have spent most of my life more taken with what is going on around me then what is going on within me.

T's lack of self disclouser but her interest in what I am feeling has shown me that my life and the way it is lived, is at its most importance when I am aware of my inner world. Anything on the outside is just detail.

Not sure if this makes sense? But I find now I am more interested in feelings, then life circumstances. Wouldnt have had a clue about that before recovery.

Geez, I think what I'm trying to say is, I too thought I had to know things, personal things to be close to someone. When just communicating feelings is such a more powerful deeper relationship.

Just scroll if I've rambled LOL, I mean I'm still sick LOL

There's self-disclosure and then there's self-disclosure. For example, if a therapist tells a client that he's going through family problems or having marital issues, then I think that's inappropriate. Because even if the therapist doesn't intend it that way, it dumps the therapist's problems on the client. I'm the type of person who would start taking on their stuff, and that's definitely something I wouldn't need to carry. Talking about where their child goes to college to me isn't inappropriate as long as the hour doesn't revolve around what's going on in the therapist's life. There's a line when it comes to self-disclosure, and the therapist should know where that line is. (Oh, dear...if I ever get brave enough to go back to therapy I fear I'm going to be a boundary nazi.)

I think that just like anything else, within moderation, a little bit of self disclosure could maybe help the clients (depending on the situation obviously).

My first T told me a fair amount of personal information, and it only made me feel closer to her. It showed me that she could emphathize with that i was saying ... made me feel less alone, and like she wasn't judging me. In my case at least, this helped me.

I can see however that if a T was to share such personal information such as his or her own current mental illness, or marital life ... imposing this on their client ... well then yes this could be seen as a negative thing.

It also depends on the relationship that the T has with their client too though. I know that if my other T's had told me such personal information i wouldn't of known what to do with it, or how to interpret it because our relationship wasn't nearly as developed.

Like i said ... i think it depends on each individual relationship - but was grateful for my T's self-disclosure.

My therapist does disclose his feelings in therapy, much as pink's. My therapist also discloses information about himself and his life with therapeutic intent. That is part of the tradition in humanistic psychology. Such self disclosure is therapeutic and can help build the mutualistic alliance. I was burned many years ago by a frame change in therapy, and my current T and I discovered that is probably the root of why I demand self disclosure from him in therapy. I feel so lucky I have a T who could accommodate me on this. His self disclosure aids my healing, and I am enriched by it.

A short time ago, I wouldn't have understood this but I do now. (Remember when I kept insisting that your T couldn't "feel your feelings". Sorry--ignorance then too!! I get that now too!)

I'm glad for the here-and-now self-disclosure. It makes the relationship much richer and real to me. I'm hard of hearing and it is a big issue with me but others don't understand much about it, or care to. But my T makes every attempt to and sometimes when we're talking about something unrelated she will comtemplate for a minute and say "I'm just thinking about how the hearing difficulty would come into play or by affected in this and what that would feel like." Other times she has told me how she's feeling about something I've told her. It just feels so good! It reinforces the feeling of 'being heard'.

I've experienced the opposite end of the spectrum too, the "blank slate" and it's very lonely.

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ECHOES said:
A short time ago, I wouldn't have understood this but I do now. (Remember when I kept insisting that your T couldn't "feel your feelings". Sorry--ignorance then too!! I get that now too!)

I'm glad for the here-and-now self-disclosure. It makes the relationship much richer and real to me. I'm hard of hearing and it is a big issue with me but others don't understand much about it, or care to. But my T makes every attempt to and sometimes when we're talking about something unrelated she will comtemplate for a minute and say "I'm just thinking about how the hearing difficulty would come into play or by affected in this and what that would feel like." Other times she has told me how she's feeling about something I've told her. It just feels so good! It reinforces the feeling of 'being heard'.

I've experienced the opposite end of the spectrum too, the "blank slate" and it's very lonely.

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Awesome post, Echoes. It's so cool that you have made that progress, to be able to recognize when your is is experiencing your feelings with you. And as much as I was insisting that my T could feel along with me, I still saw him as a 'blank slate.' I didn't realize that he really was self-disclosing by making me aware of his emotions in the here-and-now. I can say now that he definitely isn't 'blank.' I think I still see as an object, though. But a colorful one, LOL. But that's a whole other post.

I have therapy today, on SATURDAY. I normally have it on Fridays, but he told me that he had a conference (ooooooh, personal self-disclosure), so he rescheduled for Saturday. I imagine that the difference of days will effect the vibe of the session... I am thinking it will be a more relaxed vibe.... normally I am rushing from work, hoping that I'll make it on time, battling city traffic to get there. Today I will leisurely take the bus or subyway, it will be after my poetry workshop.... It will feel different.... wonder if I'll talk more.... we'll see.

I like the sound of your relaxing day and travelling to your appointment. It sounds like it might be more relaxing because that's your expectation. For me the long bus ride to sometimes relaxes me.... depends.

Cool that he told you about his conference and that he has time for you today, instead of just cancelling. Let us know how it goes!

LOL at the "whole other post" !!!

How is your internship going?

hmmm yes, I have found that disclosure takes many forms. There's the so-called personal disclosure that I don't mind usually. Then there's the emotion that you so aptly describe. i never considered that but of course it is disclosure. I love when my T can describe what I am feeling or better yet, how I am feeling. Last week, after a few minutes he said he had a sense of tiredness, heavines about me and that was what I was fighting at the moment. It was awesome that he "got it."

Well, taking this one step further, don't you think that T's bookcase is a form of disclosure? Or their clothing (like those sandals my T wears). Or even the decorating in the office?

My T has soft jazz playing in the waiting room and sometimes I can hear it in session. Very, very soft background music.

Last week, as I arrived he excused himself for a moment, said he had an emergency and called another client. He didn't say anything revealing, just set an appt. for later that day. Hmmmm, I bet that qualifies as some sort of disclosure as well.

Oh, I have had weekend sessions occasionally and yes I have found them to have a more relaxed feel to them. Enjoy today.

In the place where I go to therapy, the Ts don't decorate the offices because they use different rooms all the time. So there is not an ounce of dislcosure there. There are little things he has disclosed to me indirectly. So I know that he is interested in literature and well-read. I love the way he does it. If I mention a book, he won't say, "I read that," rather, he will make subtle comment about the content of the book, or about the author, that will let me know that he knows and appreicates the work. Oh yeah, and he disclosed that he is extremely familar with and admires the work of Nancy McWilliams. Ok, so there is some personal disclosure there. You know what? Thinking about that now, makes me really, really appreciate the fact that he disclosed it.... Because he so seldom engages in personal disclosure.... so if he does, he must think that it's really important and will benefit me therapeutically.... knew it would possibly help me stay connected. With the McWilliams thing, he knew that it would be beneficial for me to know about that.

yes, love that reading disclosure too.

I had told T that I was reading "Wherever You Go, THere You Are" by Jon Kabat Zinn
and he recommended that I read Pema Chodron as it was in the same vein but he liked it better.

Hmmmmm, yes that was disclosure that created a connection.

And now I love Chodron. He was right.

Hi Pinksoil,

Thinking more about the self-disclosure. I know some people ask their T's about their personal life. I don't but then I don't want to know. I don't even want to look at her doggone daughter's picture that's on her desk! lol

Anyway, I was wondering if you've ever asked your T to disclose and how that went.

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sister said:
I had told T that I was reading "Wherever You Go, THere You Are" by Jon Kabat Zinn
and he recommended that I read Pema Chodron as it was in the same vein but he liked it better.

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I am reading the Zinn book now too! And I have a CD checked out, From Fear to Fearlessness, by Chodron to listen to in the car. I got both the Zinn and Chodron recommendations right here on PC.

One of the most powerful renderings of self disclosure that I have read is in one of my favorite books, The Call of Stories: Teaching and the Moral Imagination, by Robert Coles. Coles is (was?) a psychiatrist and professor of literature at Harvard. What he writes about his experiences with self disclosure with patients matches most closely how I feel about it. I'll try to find a passage later. In any case, I highly recommend this book!

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ECHOES said:
Hi Pinksoil,

Thinking more about the self-disclosure. I know some people ask their T's about their personal life. I don't but then I don't want to know. I don't even want to look at her doggone daughter's picture that's on her desk! lol

Anyway, I was wondering if you've ever asked your T to disclose and how that went.

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Only once. Because I am really not interested in his personal life. I mean, I can't even look at the guy's wedding ring. If I knew personal things about him, it would interfere with the relationship.

But one time I asked him what degree he holds. And I think I asked what school he went to, but I'm not sure if I'm remembering that correctly. I did definitely ask him about his degree.

He said he wasn't ready to tell me, LOL. I thought it was some kind of ethical rule that if a client asks a therapist about credentials, he has to tell, but apparently mine doesn't think so. Anyway, he asked me if I could tell him how this information would benefit me in therapy, and I couldn't think of a single thing, lol. I told him that I didn't care if he was some bum on the street who was giving therapy without a degree since we have a good connection going, so I guess it doesn't really matter. Truth is, the information is pointless.

I saw him today... when I got up to leave, he asked me what I was reading. I told him "The Eye" by Kafka. He said he hasn't read that one.... Wow. Another piece of the puzzle. Before long, I'll know everything about him.

This is just my opinion,
but I think it depends so so much on the client and where they are coming from, whether self-disclosure should happen or not.
To me a good therapist should get to know the client and then determine whether or not a bit of self- disclosure would be beneficial for the therapeutic process.

Speaking for myself I would NOT be able to open up or trust a therapist that I knew nothing about-- that's my paranoia. If I disclose-- then the one I'm talking with should disclose,-- at least a little--- or I will push myself further and further from the process-- I don't trust one enough to be open with them if I know NOTHING about them.
I stayed almost 3 years-- with the last psychologist I had-- and I know it's partly due to his self-disclosure that helped the connection and keep me involved for such a "record" long time for me.

So I think it depends on each clients emotional state and how they are able to "bond"...... I do have difficulties with such things...... goes way back to my infancy...

just my opinion...

on another note.....Pinksoil-- I think you sound like you will be an awesome therapist-- I wish you the best.

mandy

my two cents.... my very last T(of 4 years) disclosed just about "everything"... the last few months of therapy were done in an office in her home... on one hand it was good to relate to someone that had gone thru many experiences such as myself... on the other hand, the fact that I knew so much about her made it much easier for me to manipulate therapy - so in the end, disclosure doesn't work for me...
knowing who she was dating, how her husband passed, that she had had an eating disorder, that she was adopted, that she had a major depression and didn't work for 5 years, that she was taking classes out of state, which T friend she had lunch with, that she didn't have a good relationship with her adult son, that her youngest son was going on a special school thing for the summer... Yaza.. I could go on... was too much for my already crowded mind..

This new T discloses nothing - and I asked that he not - I just don't want to know...
Oh, I know where he went on vacation... but not about his personal life.

I think therapists like all people can only speak from their experience. So, one can learn a lot "about" one's therapist just sitting and talking with them about one's own problems because the therapist is going to be "replying" based on how well they can empathize which they can only do from "similar" experiences?

I often felt like I didn't know my T very well because she'd mention a movie she'd seen or book she'd read, etc. and I'd go see the movie or read the book and not "get it" :-) I rarely liked what she liked! So that always puzzled me because our conversation was so good and helpful to me. She wasn't born and raised in the U.S. so our backgrounds were extremely different and sometimes it would just boggle my mind trying to figure out how we could work well together.

Free Will, I think you make an important point and that is asking for what we need. I think it's great that you told your new therapist that what you needed was someone who wouldn't self disclose. My fear of stepping into therapy again is that I will end up with someone who doesn't have good boundaries. Maybe what I need to do is state up front what I expect.