Transference in the Chair

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Echoes said: I dislike the pillow because it seems mocking to me,

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Echoes,
Maybe this is related to why you can't feel attached to T right now. I think that if you could discuss this pillow and how it affects you in-session, then you might make some headway. It is important for us to feel safe in the room where we are spilling our guts, eh? And if you feel you are being mocked, even on a subtle level, then that will affect the whole process.

I vote for pillow-talk next sesssion!

Good luck.

The pillow seems really significant, ECHOES. It would be interesting to discuss it with your T. My T has asked me before what he can do to make being with him feel safer, and I have given him a suggestion about his room (don't know if that's what he had in mind) and that was to dim the lights. And he acquiesced, so he was open to "changing the environment" suggestions, so maybe your T would be too. (I am now past the "dim the lights" phase, lol.)

I always sit with a big pillow behind me on T's couch so I don't sink too far into the couch (I hate that). I also used to hold another big pillow in front of me. I think it kind of protected me, like I could hide from T behind it if I needed to. And sometimes T would have me hug it or grip it in a certain way when we were doing work on stuff from my childhood. I don't hold a pillow in front of me anymore. Guess I don't need to hide from T, or need protection from him anymore, and we also have stopped working on childhood issues.

you all make me think...

.. would seem silly talking about a pillow but might be interesting. what if i get started and tell her all the things I don't like in her office?!

And it makes her angry?! Or she rolls her eyes.... oh!...

Showing her these things will only give her more info about you. I think that starting with the pillow is a grand place to start.... then see where things go.