hey. sorry i haven't been around a great deal... my friend is doing better now (stabilised), but i have been spending a lot of time up at the hospital with him and also with his family. haven't really had the time to do anything else. no time to work. no time to read the boards. back to my life now, however.

therapy has been... pretty much me raving about my friend, i guess. therapist has been alright about that, i guess. has kind of tried to bring the conversation back to my feelings, but i guess i've been kinda resistent. needed to stay strong for my friend and his family, really. it has been a kind of a shame in a way because we had a month of twice weekly, but now we are back to usual so i see him tomorrow and haven't seen him for a week. i worry a bit that it became a bit of an avoidance strategy, really. if it wasn't about my friend it would have been about something else (my needing to work or something).

i've been thinking, though. i get this push-pull thing. not sure that i've talked about it with my therapist specifically. thought about sending him an email tonight but i might wait and see how things go tomorrow and send it after that if i need to. this is a bit bizzarre...

there are some things that i find really very intensely intimate. sex isn't really one. eye contact is more so. him... feeling my emotions... is one of those too. sometimes i long for intimacy. long to melt into him kind of. probably more intimate than most people would like / would feel comfortable with, but i'm not sure, i guess. anyway, sometimes merger is something to be longed for and something that is received / obtained with delight.

but other times... it just feels too close. invasive. intrusive. like i will shatter into a million pieces if he gets that close to me. so i dodge around with conversation trying to avoid the intimacy because it is something that i simply can't face. it feels... icky. dirty. wrong. bad.

things feel that latter way sometimes. and there he is... patiently waiting for me to just stoppit and sit still for a bit. patiently trying to bring the conversation around to something more intimate... and i dodge and dart and simply can't let him. panic at the thought of it really.

and at other times i just long to be close to him and it is gratefully received. i'm trying to bring the conversation around to something so i'll get that. and... he seems to like that. and he seems to receive it well.

but other times i feel dirty / bad / wrong.

what is wrong with me?????

HI AK, I was just mopping the kitchen floor and realised you hadn't been around for a while :-( not that you and mopping have any connection LOL!!

I feel like that with T too. In my perfect fantasy I want to be back in the womb with her, then once I've allowed myself to get close the other fantasy kicks in where I am destroyed by her...

I haven't yet developed a strong enought ego strenght of my own and worry I will be absorbed by someone else.

I guess like growing up when my parents ideas and feelings were put into me and mine not allowed to grow? be seen? I got lost and I'm afraid of getting lost again.

I was reading up on pathological narcissim and how narcissis require narcissitc supply to feel their sense of self. WEhen that supply is withdrawn then rage sets in.

I feel like that when T goes away, I feel like I've died a psyhic death, because I have no edges of my own yet..

I put my sense of self into objects and experience them from a safe distance because somehow I've a fear of my own self.

Fear its not good enought? T says I put my power into her and other things. I guess thats the same as putting our self into others too?

Taking care of our selfs through others with fantasys of believing we are the most important thing in T's life? But letting go of that fantasy is scary because it gives me back my own "SELF" and I'm not sure I can do what it takes to take care of it???

Ramble ramble

Good to see you back and sorry about your friend!

[MissCharlotte]

Hi Alexandra,

Welcome back. We missed you!

I know what you mean about that push/pull thing re: intimacy. Sometimes I feel so close to T and it feels good and other times it feels like he is looking through me and whoa...move on back, why don't you?

I think that maybe it's when that part of ourself that is resistent becomes aware of the merger, the dovetailing of the two, then we become defensive and claim ourselves back. I believe this is normal and how it is supposed to work--the constant searching for ourselves and finding those pieces and putting them back together.

Yes, the eye contact is the most intimate thing for me as well. When I read that part of your post, I could see T's eye, meeting my eye on Tuesday...it took my breath away.

Nope, I don't think there is anything wrong with you.

[Perna]

Hi, Alexandra, I'm glad your friend is getting better.

My T use to point out how hard it was, only having "words" and having all those intense feelings going on at the same time with just the words to "do" anything about them with. It's very hard.

[sunrise]

alexK, I'm so glad you posted because I have been wondering where you were and hoping you were OK.

I agree, therapy can really be a push-pull experience. It sounds like sometimes you are able to experience the intimacy with your T. And sometimes you pull back. I think it's normal. You can try to hold the memory of the moments of intimacy and work toward that again.

That's good news your friend is doing better.