[CantExplain]

You've probably read that the style of therapy is not as important as the quality of the relationship between therapist and patient.

But what do we mean by the quality of the relationship?

I'm pretty sure that mutual trust is an important factor. But beyond that?

What do you think?

[justdesserts]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

You've probably read that the style of therapy is not as important as the quality of the relationship between therapist and patient.

But what do we mean by the quality of the relationship?

I'm pretty sure that mutual trust is an important factor. But beyond that?

What do you think?

I think that beyond trust, the people in the relationship have to have a sense of working on mutual goals and generally being on the same side. If there is hostility, disgust or even disinterest, I think it would be difficult to make progress.

-
I need some kind of connection to trust someone. Quality in a relationship can be undefinable, unpredictable and different for everyone. I like what you said about being on the same side. A supportive T is very important.

[stopdog]

For me, they need to stay back. No familiarity or anything like that. I have no idea what would be meant by being on the same side. I don't usually think of people as being on my side or not. I need to not despise them or rather they need to refrain from being despicable.

[atisketatasket]

They have to not irritate me excessively. An increasingly difficult proposition for No. 1, apparently.

eta: Most everyone irritates me a little. I'm talking excessively.

I need him to understand me, I need to feel heard. I also need someone who thinks in a similar way to me. I am quite analytical and academic minded so someone like that works well for me. I think it would be different for everyone.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I need to have a deep connection and be able to trust my T, which I do. I need to know she is on my side and has my best interests at heart. I couldn't do therapy with someone that didn't do all of that for me.

[Trippin2.0]

T needs to be someone I can respect, I very easily, and naturally respect intelligence.


If T is less intelligent than I am, then no way can I trust him to have the capabilities and competencies necessary to help me.


I'm not really interested in the relationship or any kind of connection with a T, my trust is more of the "I trust you to be able to do your job" variety.

Its a nice bonus if the T and I "click"...

I think there just has to be that "connection" with a T in order for therapy to be successful. Someone you feel you can trust and open up to. Someone you feel can relate to you.

[wotchermuggle]

I need to feel and be understood or that they are at least trying to understand.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

You've probably read that the style of therapy is not as important as the quality of the relationship between therapist and patient.

But what do we mean by the quality of the relationship?

I'm pretty sure that mutual trust is an important factor. But beyond that?

What do you think?

I have always needed a therapist who I can interact with comfortably, one who seems to "get" me almost immediately. A mutual respect and liking for each other. I don't need much more than that on the relationship end.

[ilikecats]

I need someone I can feel comfortable with, and who I don't think will make me feel bad if I say something stupid. Also someone I really like and look forward to seeing, and someone I can trust. I also think it's important for a T to push me a little bit, because I don't open up very easily on my own. And I have to feel cared about, at least a little.

[velcro003]

Until I saw my current T, I wouldn't have understood how the quality of the relationship could affect my therapy. As long as I didn't think they hated me, it would probably be ok. My first session with my current T, and I knew I'd really like her. She got where I was at really quickly, and she makes it easy to like her. I realized recently that I haven't been anxious for the past few weeks, which is AMAZING for me. I spent 5 years being anxious last time. This time, it took 6 months. I'm not saying I am "secure" in the relationship, because I'm not-but I can see this actually helping me.

The therapeutic relationship i have with t is/has been the most important factor in my healing. As I'm in the process of pulling back my projections here lately, I've begun really really appreciating our relationship for what it is, instead of longing for it to be something that it can't be.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by artemis-within

I've begun really really appreciating our relationship for what it is, instead of longing for it to be something that it can't be.

How did you do this? This is what I am really struggling with.

[Crescent Moon]

Trust, and that indescribable factor of just feeling the two of you 'click' (and I hate that word.)

[Argonautomobile]

I think I read somewhere that the therapeutic relationship is defined as goals plus rapport. The goals bit is important--I'd need to work with a T who agreed with my goals and who I felt helped me to achieve them--but I also believe it's somewhat less important (or at least less "special") than rapport.

Maybe rapport is what we mean when we talk about the quality of the relationship. I think it's built over time--you get a particular "vibe" from someone and go on to test boundaries, give them the opportunity to "prove" themselves, take leaps of faith, and so on.

As to how you appreciate the relationship for what it is instead of wishing it were something it can't be...maybe part of that has to do with how "well" you're getting. I noticed that when I started communicating better with people in my life and getting wants/needs met through them, I craved that much less in the therapy hour.

Maybe part of it is also experience and recognizing places/situations where the therapeutic relationship is actually better/more helpful than a friendship (or whatever "more" it is you wish you had with your T). For me, I much prefer talking to T about certain difficult issues because I don't really have to deal with his reaction like I would a close friend's. That is, where a friend or family member would have the natural impulse to respond to something terrible with an emotive "That's terrible!" T's don't do that.

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

How did you do this? This is what I am really struggling with.

I don't know exactly how it happened... after a lot of talking about my feelings for/about her with her, and much writing on the subject, I got to where I realized that it wasn't so much her that I love but what I was always making her represent (that's the projections/transference I guess) mostly it was me experiencing her as my grandma who practically raised me and who passed away when I was 15 (37 years ago) and I just told her the other day that after i'd told her that bit at our previous session, realizing it wasn't so much her i loved but the projection (her word), I felt very sad for a few days, it was like I had lost my grandma all over again. and she said that's because you pulled back your projection. That almost made it sound like a bad t hing, the way she said it, but of course i didn't ask, i let it drop at that point. I think I'm going to bring it up again next time.

[musinglizzy]

Trust is huge for me. Trust and connection.

[nottrustin]

Trust is essential for me. The quality of our relationship comes from knowing T cares and works with me on the good and the bad. Having somebody whom I never felt like just another customer was very important. She has learned to "read" me and is willing to work with where I am at. I can often be very stubborn and my own worst enemy (she disagrees on the enemy part). She knows when to push me a little bit harder but at the same time she knows when to back off a little. It is a balancing act for her I am sure but she has figured it out. Part of it is that she has figured out if she supports me especially when I am being stubborn and such eventually I tend to come around but I need to do it on my own time. In all the time we have been meeting I have never felt judged by her which I often feel about most other people in my life.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by artemis-within

I don't know exactly how it happened... after a lot of talking about my feelings for/about her with her, and much writing on the subject, I got to where I realized that it wasn't so much her that I love but what I was always making her represent (that's the projections/transference I guess) mostly it was me experiencing her as my grandma who practically raised me and who passed away when I was 15 (37 years ago) and I just told her the other day that after i'd told her that bit at our previous session, realizing it wasn't so much her i loved but the projection (her word), I felt very sad for a few days, it was like I had lost my grandma all over again. and she said that's because you pulled back your projection. That almost made it sound like a bad t hing, the way she said it, but of course i didn't ask, i let it drop at that point. I think I'm going to bring it up again next time.

Thank you so much for this. It really made me think. I do love my T but I am wondering now if its what I project on to her. I do love qualities about her though. Like how patient she is and how much she cares about me. That is her job though. Man, this is tricky stuff. I just wanted to let you know that your response to me really helped me.

For me, I like having a feeling of teamwork - that the therapist and me are on the same team.

Trust is definitely important.

So is room to question the therapist - I want to be able to be skeptical, and also have a therapist with good critical reasoning skills about the therapy frameworks they are using.

I also like feeling that the therapist and I connect on some level - example, I read widely, and listen to music which isn't mainstream, so while the therapist doesn't have to share my tastes, I'd like to feel some connection, like she's someone who likes some form of variety. Maybe she likes photography, like I do, for example.

I also think that the therapist and I should share some core values. I value my relationships a lot, therefore, it is good if the therapist also values her personal relationships.

[ChipperMonkey]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

You've probably read that the style of therapy is not as important as the quality of the relationship between therapist and patient.

I've actually never heard this.

I think it may be true for those who have a need to bond.

And true if you're in long term therapy.

Those of us with certain disorders......well, the type of therapy is of utmost importance.

I've been in intensive therapy.....two weeks of nothing but individual therapy. I have trust issues and won't bond with people easily. I didn't bond with any of my therapists, but it was the best treatment I'd ever received.