no T today

i do not have T today . my T has been on vacation i made it this far and now it is only two more weeks and i guess ill see her again . our sessions have been very rough for me and i think this is contributing to my anxiety around not seeing her. again we have not been seeing eye to eye . after so many years i have been letting her see what has been going on in my head . i have tried to talk to her about how i am feeling about my son . how i dont want to be his mother any more ,how i want him away from me . how confused i am etc. she just responded with telling me she doesnt believe me . she said that i have given everything for my son to have a normal life and that he is my life and i wouldnt and dont want to throw him away like that . but i do .i truly feel he is better off without my messed up family and me. she doesnt believe that either . she even is back to saying that i am pretending. i dont know what she thinks i am faking . all these feeling i have are real i am not making them up at all. this is how i feel ,this is how i see my world and myself and she thinks i am faking . i am faking that i am all ok with everything .when i walk in a room to teach a craft that i am confident in what i am doing . in reality i feel everyone in that room hates me and im a fake at who i am in that situation. i dont know how to get her believe how i see things . again i dont know how she can help me if she doesnt believe me . people just dont like me at all once they get to know me or i let them in my head. she thinks i can just automatically think im a good person even though the evidence shows differently. im so confused .we have been going back and forth to much . i asked last session if we could just not talk about my son and the holiday and so on because i was not going to see her for 3 weeks and that didnt happen . im so angry and hurt and alone

I'm sad to hear you're having such a rough time, granite. It sounds very frustrating but important things to work on. I hope things will get better for you soon.

Maybe the break will be useful. I am not seeing the ones I hire for a few weeks. I think space can be useful for me.
I hope the holiday period goes okay for you Granite.

stop i tend to agree with you . a break might be just what needs to happen. maybe ill be more able to hear what she is trying to say to me . because right now it seems i cant do anything ok

Granite, I believe you when you think that T thinks you are faking and pretending. I completely understand your feelings of feeling fake even when you are doing something you enjoy (crafting). I think your T probably does too. She probably doesn't believe that you REALLY don't want to be your son's mother anymore. What she probably sees is that you are in a LOT of pain right now, and might be pushing him away, maybe to save him some pain from the *horrible* person you are.

**i absolutely do not believe you are horrible, nor do i think your son thinks that**

Hold on through these two weeks, Granite. You can do it. I will be here if you need to talk. Keep trying with your T, because I think you can do it.

I am sorry you are struggling so much. I am having a hard time dealing with the holidays and not seeing my T for another two weeks. I hope things get better for you and you can find a way to hang in there. Easier said than done, I know.

Hugs, I don't know what to say

She is saying she doesn't believe you NOT that you are faking. She doesn't believe you don't want to be a mother anymore. You love your son so much that you don't want him near any perceived badness. You are trying to protect him at great pain to yourself. That is love but it is also misguided.

I believe you have so much self loathing that you believe that bad in you but I do not believe he is better without you. I have been the child in that position and I had so much anger that I wasn't allowed to choose, that my parent decided (incorrectly) for me.

Your T isn't saying you are faking or lying she seems to be saying she doesn't believe you don't want to be a mom when you are willing to do this for him and she doesn't believe people loathe you as you do yourself.

Hang tight granite.