How considerate should we be of T's feelings?

The way it works is that the therapist will set clear boundaries (or should) early on in the relationship. Then they will say anything beyond that is allowed.

This gets weird because in reality nobody comes out and says their boundaries to you like that. And nobody would put up with your stuff if all you do is talk about yourself 100% of the time. But that's how it's set up and for a reason.

It took me a while to get used to it. I have no similar relationship and I don't think it would work to do this one-sidedness with others. But then again this is a professional relationship and they get paid to hear my problems and offer advice or empathy, with the goal of helping me function better. And just as I would not let it a random person just touch my body but would allow a physiotherapist to manipulate it, therapy too has its own logic.

But it's best not to think those feelings wrong, cause that's what I did in the beginning. Like thinking here was another relationship I was not doing right! It frustrated me to know so little about T, to not be able to give gifts or show appreciation in the way I usually did. Though some things are not allowed, the feelings are fine. Therapy is the thing that's strange, not one's tendency to want a real mutual sort of relationship. So it's okay to be upset about not knowing more about T or able to reciprocate in emotional terms (not financially).

But at the end of the day, this relationship is clinical. It's not supposed to replicate outside relationships which is a two way street and where intimacy comes from mutual sharing. And yet in some other ways, it's supposed to help us with relationships in our daily life. It's funny how that works. Again, I think of it as physio, somebody oddly manipulating your body and yet that is supposed to help you when you yourself are walking and doing things quite different from the ones in the physio's office. Therapy tries to get to the source of psychological problems so has to use a method quite unusual and unique. Just cause a T is not using some medical tools, doesn't mean this is a relation just like any other ones we have with other adults.

Thank you everyone

Ana Whitney, sounds like you have a good T and you respect each other. Thank you for your thoughts.

Partless, thank you for your thoughts also. I guess you're saying therapy is unique so we can do anything within T's boundaries?

Chummy, Thank you, it's good to hear you feel comfortable enough to not worry about your T's feelings.

AllHeart, Thank you, I agree, though if I lived by your saying I would never have mentioned to T I was upset at her. I would've been cheerful and forgiving no matter how late she was.

Granite, You sound like a respectful person, your T is lucky to have you.

Magno, You do sound very considerate of your T, I am sure she appreciated it. You are right, in a friendship we may not speak up about being mad, so I do wonder, was it really OK to tell my T I was mad, because I usually don't express bad feelings towards family/friends either.

Miswimmy, Yes, you are right that Ts are human, I hope they can really not take whatever we say personally! I worry because I am more honest/less tactful towards my T compared to everyone else.

ChipperMonkey, what a thought provoking comment! I will bring it to my T to discuss! It is mind boggling and confusing. On one hand T says I should freely say whatever is on my mind, but I was brought up to put kindness above everything else. Isn't it unkind to say things without filtering through a "tactful sieve"?

Suraya, Of course, thank you, I do try hard to use "I" statements, though sometimes in sessions, I blurt out my secret thoughts which aren't in "I" statements, and not filtered with politeness.

Tearinyourhand, your T sounds assertive and helpful, thanks for sharing.

BrownOwl, Thank you for understanding. You are right, sharing our honest feelings can bring us closer to someone, if we trust them enough. I agree, it is hard to trust our friends and family enough to speak up about things they did to hurt us. I think that's why I have only shared my real feelings with T, because I trust her.

Atisketatasket, Thank you for sharing. Sounds like your two therapists are very professional.

Gaylegg, thanks for sharing, I wonder if you were upset at your, T would you speak up?

Mouse, Thank you for your thoughts. I wonder if we still need to be nice in therapy, and if Nice conflicts with Real.

Bipolarartist, I hope Ts really can keep their feelings out of the room.

Cinnamon Stick, You sound very considerate, and sounds like you have a warm and loving relationship with T. I wonder if you would ever speak up if T did something to upset you.

Lolagrace, I understand what you mean! Thank you for your very thoughtful comments. I always appreciate your insights. I was brought up being taught that directness = rude, so now I'm learning new ways of looking at things.

CANDC, I will be sure to remember to use "I" statement as much as possible! I hope you are right that my T can avoid reacting personally. I appreciate how you said in therapy we can bare our souls, I will ask my T about this!

Argonautomobile, your post is so appreciated. I remember how extremely courteous you were to encourage your T to look after the crisis patient, in the middle of your session. What you said about T being late often because you don't scream at him, I understand what you mean! Will you ask your T? I asked mine the exact same question and she said NO, she wasn't late because I was considerate; she had other reasons. I find your advice very wise and helpful, to use "I" statements and to not assume T's feelings. I get confused about filtered vs unfiltered, because usually T encourages me to talk freely, so I wonder if there are exceptions in cases of angry feelings. Anyway it is nice to know your understand!

ShaggyChic, I love how you described your conversation! How exciting that you expressed yourself honestly! You deserve your T's beaming pride! Thank you for sharing.

Stopdog, Good for you, I am glad your are free to be yourself.

StarryNight, You sound very kind and considerate.

Cloudburst, sounds like a mutually respectful relationship!

Mygrandjourney, that's a good point, I will ask T about her feelings for insights into my issues!

Cheers! I may ask my T---and I certainly will let you know what he says if I do. Again, I'm about 90% sure this is the case (even if he doesn't cop to it!)--but I wouldn't want you to read the same thing into your T's behavior. I think she told you the truth, I really do. It seems pretty clear that her lateness and inconsistency are about her juggling her managerial role, not about anything you have or haven't done. She's been totally up-front about it and has not lavished you with praise for your patience.

My T has no such role, never says why he's late, and always says "I really appreciate your patience" in a way that implies pretty clearly that he'd be sorry to lose it.

Don't know if that's helpful, but I think there are telling differences in our respective experiences.

Good luck and happy holidays!

If something my therapist says or does upsets me, I let her know, but I'm not rude about it, and she doesn't respond as though I've been rude or unkind. I don't look at it as taking care of her feelings, though. It's possible to say Hey, that really hurt without being hurtful in return.

I never really thought of my therapist feelings. But, I'm rarely a rude and inconsiderate person, even though I was raised to believe I was as long as I didn't put other's needs, wishes, thoughts, before mine. Never think of self first.

Once, I was in the mist of a dangerous activity, called her, and continued to be stuck on stupid. I thought about it, realized what affect my behavior had on her, and ended the behavior. I realized I had a choice to do it or not do it. I chose not to, and left a voicemail. Another therapist she used to consult about my case pointed that out to her. At that point, I knew therapy was completely not to an end.

I respect my therapist's feelings but don't feel like I need or want to please him, would not hold things back that way because that is not what I go to therapy for and it would be counterproductive. I like to express negative feelings in a civil way though.