[1stepatatime]

Some of you may be familiar with my posts. I don't post too often but I do like to check in once in a while. I've been working with my therapist for three years now, well it will be three years next month. I like my therapist. Sometimes she pisses me off ,sometimes she lets me down , sometimes I wonder what in the world am I doing?? But she knows me, she is very intuitive and I have a strong attachment to her. So here is what I'm questioning: what am I doing in therapy ? Do I see any substantial progress in our work? After reading the thread about attachment and transference in psychodynamic therapy (which is what my therapist practices) is it more harmful than good? I am attached to her but I'm past the impulsive wanting to email her every day thing, she's not always on my mind during my waking hours. But I AM attached to her and can't imagine not seeing her. I know, something that I need to bring up in session but I'm wondering if any of you experience this uncertainty with a therapist that is not new to you, if you feel so uncertain about where you are at in therapy?

[Argonautomobile]

I think I've an idea what you mean--though certainly don't claim to be an expert.

Do you think it's possible that you've internalized your attachment to your T? Yes, she's still a source of comfort, and, yes, you still want to see her--but you're secure enough in your attachment to not need to think about her or e-mail her when she's not around. I think that would be a good thing.

To draw an ugly comparison--I love my mom. I'm attached to her and want to see her. But I don't think about her all the time or e-mail her everyday. I can carry around what she represents---love, importance, etc---without needing her physical presence.

Maybe your uncertainty about therapy is just the desire to maintain and check up on that internalized bond (and what it represents) in the absence of more pressing concerns?

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

I think I've an idea what you mean--though certainly don't claim to be an expert.

Do you think it's possible that you've internalized your attachment to your T? Yes, she's still a source of comfort, and, yes, you still want to see her--but you're secure enough in your attachment to not need to think about her or e-mail her when she's not around. I think that would be a good thing.

To draw an ugly comparison--I love my mom. I'm attached to her and want to see her. But I don't think about her all the time or e-mail her everyday. I can carry around what she represents---love, importance, etc---without needing her physical presence.

Maybe your uncertainty about therapy is just the desire to maintain and check up on that internalized bond (and what it represents) in the absence of more pressing concerns?

Hmmmm... You've given me something to ponder. At this very moment I'm not sure what it is. Perhaps I am internalizing stuff... Wouldn't be the first time. I don't really know. I just know that I'm questioning this process . I'm wondering if I've gotten better or worse. I'm wondering if I'm going to get worse before I can get better. I'm wondering if I can go it alone ( yeah, right... I doubt it).
I'm pretty all over the place! : /

I was thinking something sorta similar earlier in the car driving to the store. Wondering "can I really maintain all the progress I've made in therapy without continuing to talk to her?" Am I addicted to the having someone know me as well as she knows me? to the emotional connection that I feel with her? I suppose I should talk to her about these questions. She asked me recently "what brings you here today" and I didn't know what to say. Now I think if she asked it again, were I to answer honestly, I would have to say something like "it is this therapeutic relationship that brings me here." because there's nothing else like it. I wish you the best in finding your own answers.

[Miswimmy1]

I was just in a position like this. I had been seeing a t for about four years. I was super close to her and I couldn't imagine not seeing her again. The idea of termination was just too much for me to comprehend. However I realized that I wasn't going anywhere in therapy. I enjoyed our sessions and I always came out feeling good (or at least better). But it wasn't because I was making any progress in major life areas. Just simply that I had an hour to talk about my week or run some thoughts past my t about who knows what. It wasn't that I was paying for friendship but I certainly didn't feel like I was in need of that sort of professional help. It was nice to have but I didn't think I *needed* it.

My therapist and I decided that I had been in therapy with the same therapist for a while and that it would do me good to just go experience life. I think part of my inability to imagine a life without t was that I had been in therapy so long that I couldn't really remember what it was like to consider myself 'normal' and healthy. I agreed that I didn't want or need another therapist. If I felt that there were still major issues that needed to be addressed, I would go see someone new. At least I would be getting a fresh perspective. But I didn't feel that was necessary.

We terminated with the understanding that I could always come back. But that I should take the next step in my life to going out and experiencing what the world had to offer. As comforting as having a predictable person was for me, it just felt like it was time to take this step. I can't really explain it much better than that. It was horrible and I was so sad to say goodbye. But we both said 'goodbye for now' (those were our exact words). Somehow, that phrase was more reassuring than just plain old goodbye. I still miss my t but I feel like I am growing as a result of that loss. And I cling to that.

These questions and feelings came when I knew I was Needing to talk about termination. The process of therapy doesn't stop when you terminate. It's just that you've taken over the reigns, and the therapist becomes more of a sometimes backseat passenger. For me, it is definitely unlike most of my life, where my mother sat in the passenger seat directing most my every moves.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by Miswimmy1

I was just in a position like this. I had been seeing a t for about four years. I was super close to her and I couldn't imagine not seeing her again. The idea of termination was just too much for me to comprehend. However I realized that I wasn't going anywhere in therapy. I enjoyed our sessions and I always came out feeling good (or at least better). But it wasn't because I was making any progress in major life areas. Just simply that I had an hour to talk about my week or run some thoughts past my t about who knows what. It wasn't that I was paying for friendship but I certainly didn't feel like I was in need of that sort of professional help. It was nice to have but I didn't think I *needed* it.

My therapist and I decided that I had been in therapy with the same therapist for a while and that it would do me good to just go experience life. I think part of my inability to imagine a life without t was that I had been in therapy so long that I couldn't really remember what it was like to consider myself 'normal' and healthy. I agreed that I didn't want or need another therapist. If I felt that there were still major issues that needed to be addressed, I would go see someone new. At least I would be getting a fresh perspective. But I didn't feel that was necessary.

We terminated with the understanding that I could always come back. But that I should take the next step in my life to going out and experiencing what the world had to offer. As comforting as having a predictable person was for me, it just felt like it was time to take this step. I can't really explain it much better than that. It was horrible and I was so sad to say goodbye. But we both said 'goodbye for now' (those were our exact words). Somehow, that phrase was more reassuring than just plain old goodbye. I still miss my t but I feel like I am growing as a result of that loss. And I cling to that.

Thanks for your response! It had to be really hard to terminate, I haven't thought about actually terminating but just wondering where I'm at in this process and what am I gaining from it? I think I need to talk to her when we meet next week and just tell her what I'm thinking. I tend to believe that there is some more work to do but what's got me questioning is for the first time during a 2 or 3 week break I don't feel like I need her as much, I won't see her until just after the first of the year and it's been almost 2 weeks since we met. As recently as a year ago a lapse this long would have stressed me out badly but at this moment I'm feeling like whatever, maybe even a little resentment but it's more like who gives a sh**. Maybe getting used to not missing her that much is freaking me out a bit... Who knows!! Thanks again 😀

[kecanoe]

Since one aim of psychodynamic t is that we attach and then become able to detach I think it sounds like you are making progress. In theory that is how good therapeutic relationships go. We need them and then we don't need them and we voluntarily work our way to termination. Sounds like you are on the right track and that you have a good t.

Originally Posted by kecanoe

Since one aim of psychodynamic t is that we attach and then become able to detach I think it sounds like you are making progress. In theory that is how good therapeutic relationships go. We need them and then we don't need them and we voluntarily work our way to termination. Sounds like you are on the right track and that you have a good t.

This. ^^^^^

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by kecanoe

Since one aim of psychodynamic t is that we attach and then become able to detach I think it sounds like you are making progress. In theory that is how good therapeutic relationships go. We need them and then we don't need them and we voluntarily work our way to termination. Sounds like you are on the right track and that you have a good t.

Right... What you spoke makes perfect sense and perhaps that is where I am at.. but I still feel like there is work to be done, it may sound like I'm afraid to terminate, maybe I am! In the midst of these feelings I feel a little resentment towards my therapist. Not intensely angry but irritated. It's all intertwined I'm sure. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with me, more for me to ponder.

[musinglizzy]

I question things with my T all the time. Sometimes I think I'd be better off without her, but the thought of not having her breaks my heart. I feel like my therapy has been at a standstill for 9 months now.... but the thought of leaving...well, you know. I have now had two sessions with a second therapist, so we'll see where this goes. Even then, I feel like I'm "cheating" on T1, she doesn't know about T2.

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

I question things with my T all the time. Sometimes I think I'd be better off without her, but the thought of not having her breaks my heart. I feel like my therapy has been at a standstill for 9 months now.... but the thought of leaving...well, you know. I have now had two sessions with a second therapist, so we'll see where this goes. Even then, I feel like I'm "cheating" on T1, she doesn't know about T2.

I think quitting and walking away is so very hard. I did it. I so wanted to work things out with my ex-T, but I truly believe that was not possible.