[LvnWrd]

Hello,

I am not sure this is the correct forum to ask such question, but i would love some opinions on this matter.

My brother has some issues with my parents. I live in Europe with my parents and he lives in the US. He started seeing a therapist about 6 months ago, and the therapist requested my brother shut down almost all communication with my parents, and that without even talking to them or trying to get their side of the story. Needless to say it destroyed my parents, and I must ask this question :

Is it a normal thing for a therapist to do, or should I get worried my brother is being manipulated ? Since he arrived recently to the USA, he knows nobody for a long time there and has no "trusting" friends, making im an ideal target for cults.. right ?

[NowhereUSA]

I don't know about him getting involved in a cult, but the fact that communication was cut off abruptly might raise some red flags depending on the reasoning.

Is he communicating with you? Are you able to ask him for clarification?

[Permacultural]

That sort of request doesn't sound normal unless there is a history of abuse from your parents upon your brother. And even then, your brother would be the ultimate decision maker unless he lacks capacity for decision making.

[musinglizzy]

I don't think that sounds right at all. After all, aren't T's supposed to help encourage repair? (in most situations)

[atisketatasket]

You say your brother already had issues with your parents and he just moved to a new country several thousand miles away from them. His behavior already suggests a desire to limit contact; on current information, I'm not sure one could say that this is entirely the therapist's idea.

S/he may have approved of the decision, may have suggested or encouraged it, or your brother may be giving them credit for something he decided to do himself.

An ethical therapist certainly would not request that he break off communication, but as your brother is presumably an adult, it is his decision and I'm sorry to say there is not much you can do about it.

(Also, though there is a current thread about therapy and cults on here, most therapists do not belong to cults.)

[PinkFlamingo99]

I've had ethical therapists tell me it's okay to stay away from family members who hurt me or put me at risk. Could it be something more like that?

[nottrustin]

It is hard to say why a therapist would say this. Typically it seems like in cases of abuse they may recommend something drastic. From my little experience the may suggest one considers it. Do you have contact with your brother to ask about it?

[BayBrony]

If there is a history of abuse and the therapist thinks further contact is harmful they may suggest this. My.therapist in college encouraged me to do.this and it.probably saved my life.
So your question is difficult to answer without a lot more information.
No matter how severe the abuse, there is generally guilt and uncertainty when you cut off contact so it may be easier to place blame on the therapist for him.
Someone said therapists should aim towards repair but some relationships are not worth repairing, or are too dangerous to repair.
It seems your brother wanted distance for some reason. The therapist may have really good reasons for making this suggestion
If he is still speaking to.you it would be best to.be understanding and non judgmental if you want to.preserve your relationship with your brother

[unaluna]

The fact that there even is a "parents side of the story" leads me to believe that the brother is right to cut off communication. The parents side of the story is usually given to "prove" that the childs version is wrong, and therefore the child should do as the parents command, and the parents want the therapist to agree with them on this. Thats not how therapy works.

[stopdog]

I have never met a therapist who talked to all the family members to get their side of a story before supporting the client that hired them. So that the therapist has not talked to parents to get their side is not at all unusual in my experience.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I would not see a T that encouraged me to stop talking to someone unless my life was in danger. I have serious issues with my parents and she has told me its ok to limit my contact with them for my own mental health but would never encourage me to cut them off. I even said one time I wanted to cut them off and she said that the decision was up to me.

[Suraya]

My therapist wishes I would cut off all contact with my family and move far away. She says this to protect me. She doesn't need to hear their side of the story. I'm her client and she's heard my stories. She says in most cases she encourages fixing relationships, but when that's not fixable, if in my case when they're outright manipulative, abusive and psychopathic, she says get far away.

[LvnWrd]

I am only four years younger than my brother and believe me, my parents never were abusive towards any of us. My brother was not an easy child as well and has a tendency to hold a grudge very quickly...

I would also add that he went to the US because their universities have the best to offer in his field of studies, I don't think it has something to do with moving away from my parents, and he is very attached to family values. He used to call us every week before the whole argument + therapy thing!

He is still "allowed" to have a contact with my parents like once a month via e-mail but the therapist checks it first. And I can contact him whenever I want but there is not much I can without choosing a side...

I am actually relieved that your replies show that therapist sometimes use sometimes such methods. Anyway he is supposed to be coming home in about 2 months (plane tickets are already bought) but he already canceled one trip with the tickets bought aw sooo, I guess we'll see. Thank you all for your answers

[missbella]

A therapist should not control, set up rules or tell a client how to live his life. Some therapists make the client's family the scapegoat for all unhappiness, a technique described as "blame and change." The family is the bad guy, the therapist the hero.

[stopdog]

Are you sure it is coming from the therapist or could your sibling be using the therapist as the excuse?

Since we are hearing this very 2nd hand, it is hard to really know what is going on. You claim there is no problem with parents, but I've heard that before from my husband's siblings who are in complete denial so unless we hear information from your brother directly, it is hard to judge what is going on. My guess is that the therapist is responding to information your brother told him -- I kind of doubt this is coming randomly. There may be something else going on with your brother that none of you understand at this point. If nothing else, perhaps your brother needs time and space away from family to cope with whatever is going on with him. Rather than fight him on this, maybe the family tactic could be to show him support in taking the time he needs to work through his issues. Respecting his decision to do so but leaving the lines of communication open for down the road when perhaps he might be ready for contact.

[BayBrony]

My brothers insist to this day that our childhood was "OK" . that isn't that unusual.
1. Denial is powerful
2. Abuse can be gender-specific ( I am the only girl in the family and since my mother's issues were rooted in hatred of herself as a woman I experienced a great deal of cruelty my brothers were spared)
3. Its not uncommon in abusive families for one child to become the scapegoat and be treated much differently than the other children. My brother hit me over the head with a board, sliced my ear in half,and fractured my skull. Because I tried to stop him from burning my kitten's tail with a cigarette lighter. I was punished because I ruined towels by bleeding all over them. And sent to school the next day with a massive concussion so bad I failed a history test. My brother was "traumatized" according to my mom. He got pizza for dinner and extra allowance.

So you know, without hearing from your brother, it's impossible to know what is really going on.

[LvnWrd]

Probably for the best to do so and keep supporting him as I did in the first place. I do not know about his reasons, but family & friends were freaking out he did something like that and I was beggining to worry he might be manipulated since we have no control about what is going on and he is so far away.

I will keep supporting him, reassuring the parents and wait until he comes back next month to see what's what. Thanks for all your opinions & answers, it makes me think it's probably not such a big deal

. . . and this may not be an abuse issue. This may be something else going on with your brother where he feels completely unsupported by your parents. You may not really be privy to those dynamics. We think we know everything that is going on within our families, but the reality is that every individual relationship within a family has its own set of dynamics that other members may not even really recognize.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by LvnWrd

I am only four years younger than my brother and believe me, my parents never were abusive towards any of us. My brother was not an easy child as well and has a tendency to hold a grudge very quickly...

I would also add that he went to the US because their universities have the best to offer in his field of studies, I don't think it has something to do with moving away from my parents, and he is very attached to family values. He used to call us every week before the whole argument + therapy thing!

He is still "allowed" to have a contact with my parents like once a month via e-mail but the therapist checks it first. And I can contact him whenever I want but there is not much I can without choosing a side...

I am actually relieved that your replies show that therapist sometimes use sometimes such methods. Anyway he is supposed to be coming home in about 2 months (plane tickets are already bought) but he already canceled one trip with the tickets bought aw sooo, I guess we'll see. Thank you all for your answers

Uh, I don't think our replies said anything like it's common for therapists to order clients to cut off contact with their families, and then review any emails the client sent to the family. The most that was said is that therapists reassure clients about limiting contact with their families if that's what the client wants.

Did the argument have to do with therapy or with something else? Was the argument the catalyst for your brother cutting off contact?

I think you are right to be concerned about your brother's welfare (with or without the therapist), but how much his therapist does or doesn't have to do with the situation is completely unclear.

[peaches100]

When you said you were relieved to know that therapists sometimes do that, it made me curious. Why would that make you feel relieved, unless you hope this is the therapist's mistake, which would make you feel that your brother has no legitimate reason to cut off contact with your folks? The way you word things makes me think you have already made up your mind that your brother has no good reason for what he is doing. This statement also made me curious...

I can contact him whenever I want but there is not much I can without choosing a side...

Why must you choose a side? Can't you just be a good listener and be supportive without either agreeing with what your brother says or defending your parents?

[SallyBrown]

I'm also confused, and wondering how much of this is the therapist, how much is your brother, and how much is your parents.

Originally Posted by LvnWrd

I would also add that he went to the US because their universities have the best to offer in his field of studies, I don't think it has something to do with moving away from my parents, and he is very attached to family values. He used to call us every week before the whole argument + therapy thing!

First, being near or far from one's family, and the level of contact, isn't always the best indicator of what the relationship is like.

Also, I too am curious about what the argument was about. When I read your original post it sounded like it was something your brother had been working out with his therapist for some time, but the fact that it was precipitated by an argument makes me wonder if, as others have suggested, some of this is your brother using his therapist as an excuse. In the heat of arguments, my husband used his former therapist's words as excuses to behave in nonconstructive ways.

Originally Posted by LvnWrd

He is still "allowed" to have a contact with my parents like once a month via e-mail but the therapist checks it first.

This is definitely not normal, and is highly controlling.

Originally Posted by LvnWrd

And I can contact him whenever I want but there is not much I can without choosing a side...

I'm also hoping you can explain more about choosing a side. Do you mean that your brother tries to get you to say bad things about your parents? Or do your parents also tell you not to contact your brother?

I ask because I come from a family in which neither my brothers nor I feel we have been abused or mistreated by our parents. My youngest brother did go to school in another country. Had he said something similar -- that his therapist was limiting him to monthly, pre-approved e-mail contact with our parents -- we would all be worried. My parents would be encouraging me to contact him as much as possible, both to make sure he was doing ok and to try to figure out what the hell was going on. It would hurt them, but they would not ask me to choose their "side" out of spite. They'd want to maintain some connection to my brother, first and foremost. The only way I can envision feeling this way is if, whenever I spoke to my brother, he was constantly trying to get me to turn against our parents. But at least that would give me some indication of what he was upset about.

So do your parents try to tell you not to talk to your brother? That sounds pretty spiteful and unloving to me, if so. Or does your brother try to get you to turn against your parents? I'd think, then, that you'd have an idea by now of why he doesn't want to talk to them. Does he talk to you? Do you listen, or do you shut him down because you don't want to hear it?

Originally Posted by LvnWrd

I am actually relieved that your replies show that therapist sometimes use sometimes such methods.

I'm also curious as to why it is a relief. I know you were worried about cult-like behavior, so I can see why it might be a relief to hear that your brother is not being drawn into a cult (however, I don't think his therapist's behavior, as he reports it, is normal or ok). But I also wonder whether it has anything to blaming the therapist, instead of actually going deeper into what's going on between your brother and parents.

[Nammu]

It may be something simple as him being too dependent on his parents and that could be getting in the way of his making progress here or making his own decisions. The therapist might just want him to be more independent, to gain self confidence. It doesn't mean that this is going to be forever.

I agree with the above poster this is too second hand to know whats going on. There is your brothers interpretation, your interpretation and our interpretation...that is a lot of ways for communication to get tangled up.

Then there is the possibility your brother is using the therapist as a scapegoat because he himself wants to cut down communication....too many possibilities.

[Suraya]

There really are too many possibilities. My three brothers and I were all raised in the same house with the same parents and one brother is in complete denial that my father was an abusive alcoholic. He believes to this day that dad was great and our mom ruined everything. Your brother and you might have very different perceptions of your parents.

[ChipperMonkey]

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

I don't think that sounds right at all. After all, aren't T's supposed to help encourage repair? (in most situations)

No, not if you have a trauma T. They encourage separation as healing in most cases cannot take place in the presence of someone who traumatized you.