Male vs Female Therapist

I am not quite sure but I may be in the business of looking for a new therapist.

I hardly know where to start but guess I would start with what the merits are of having a male vs female therapist. Also, I will need to look at what kind of a therapist to go to next. I do not want to do this forever but will need help leaving this one and maybe transitioning out before long. Not sure.

For me, it depends on what problems you feel you have? I had enormous problems growing up with my stepmother so having a female therapist worked best for me. I imagine if I'd had a difficult relationship with my father, a male one might have worked better. Too, it depends on which you might feel easier talking with and which would cause the least problems if you were "in love" with them and trying to work through mothering/fathering or sexual issues, etc. That, as you can imagine, could work well either way but I think how brave one was and/or comfort while working would both make a difference and have to be weighed to see which perspective/angle would be best to attack it from.

I'd look through my life and see what was "important" to me; if my kids or mothering are, I'd try to find a female therapist who has had children; I'd look hard at the issues and see if I'd "mind" if I had the opposite sex therapist for that or if I want a same-sex therapist. I had a male teacher in 6th grade (very rare back then, male elementary teachers) and had difficulties that were "interesting" :-) and think I worked some of them through with one of my first male therapists? So just turn your issues around in your hands and look at them from if you'd like to discuss them with a male or female and then look, at them from which might be best for you to look at them with :-) Even though it might be scary it might be better to discuss some with the "opposite" viewpoint?

I have a male pdoc that I think has lost my trust. Hate to run from men but that is tempting... but running from men is also one of my problems.

I'll make this short and sweet.

I'm so blessed for the years and healing I had with my old t, but I would go female after all that...for a number of reasons, but mainly how I see now in hindsight I was stunted in a couple of areas by his being male.

He was wonderful, and even asked me if it was an issue when I had such difficulties. "No" was always my response. I was honest because I just didn't see it in the moment. In hindsight, I was wrong. It still worked and we were able to overcome that for the most part, but I feel I could've gone further faster if I'd been working with a female because alot of my issues surrounding abuse from a male and the discussion is difficult.

Good luck, hon!

KD

I think Perna has some really good ideas in her post!

For myself, I am only comfortable with a male therapist. No doubt this is because my mother was overbearing. It kind of turned me off to women having positions of power over me. And yes, it's clear to me that I think of my therapist in a father-figure role.

I think a lot of people just know what gender they want their therapist to be. If it isn't obvious to you, you may not have a strong preference. In which case you might work well with either. But I'd definitely consider some of Perna's points on the matter....

Sidony

You know that's a really good point because alot of the healing I was able to accomplish was in regards to my mother, breaking the overbearing trauma-bond, separating my identity because of it, etc.

I think that couldn't have been done with a female, and doing those things saved my quality of life...

KD

My T is a male and we have a beautiful relationship. I never expected that I would begin to heal in such a way with a guy. But....I do see how some things are left unsaid because he is a guy!!

For example, even little stories about what you are feeling at the moment, such as:

"I have a crampy feeling, I wonder if I could be still ovulating even though I'm past menopause?" (LOL, I would never say that to T, but if he were a she I might just say it casually).

OR

"I tried to wax my own eyebrows yesterday and wound up with wax all over my face and head." (hahahaha--true story)

So, these are casual type things that are not issue of the heart but speak to where someone is at the moment. And then there are the other things, such as body-image and other issues that might be easier to discuss with a woman. Also, as KD pointed out, abuse issues may or may not be easier with a woman. I have issues with my mother not being there for me and now my male T is like a mom to me, so go figure.

But the upside is the male perspective. I have a husband and three sons so I am accustomed to being around guys and very comfortable with it. T is able to help me understand the men I live with in a way that a woman couldn't as well. My relatinoship with my husband has improved since I began therapy, no doubt.

So, bottom line, I think that the abillity to forge a meaningful relationship is more important than the gender.

As to training and orientation, my T is humanstic and psychoanalytic/psychodynamic training. This is a good fit for me and gives me what I need in the way of support and "holding." He helps me to understand me without judgement. He is an MSW, LCSW. tons of training and supervision. I got him from a personal reference.

(((SecretGarden))) It must be so hard to have lost trust with your T and feel you need to move on. I am so sorry.

My first counselor was a female and that seemed what I wanted as I was having terrible relationship issues and had this feeling that a male would take "his side." She and I turned out not to be a good match, mainly due to her approach, CBT, which I discovered is not a good fit for me. Also, I don't bond as readily with females, so we never really had a close relationship, even though I liked her. Definitely no attachment, no transference.

My current therapist is a male, and when I got his name to call, I was a little reluctant because he was a male, and again, I worried that he would take the male side in my failing marriage. But this has not been a problem. He is able to bring a male perspective to the relationship issue, which has been useful and I have come to appreciate. I was also able to bond immediately and strongly with him, and maybe that would not have been possible with a female. I came to him really beaten down due to my marriage and my husband. Just having this warm, male therapist talk to me for an hour a week, give me his undivided attention, his strong empathy, and his unconditional regard has been so healing to me. It could just be as simple as having a man in my life who is nice to me. I know that sounds trivial, but it has been so important. I didn't know I needed that before I went to see him.

I guess another issue for you is how having to leave your current therapist makes you feel. Maybe you will feel like no male T could replace him, so you would prefer female. Or the opposite.

The other question you will need to answer is what approach you want the T to take: CBT, psychodynamic, psychoanalytical, humanistic, eclectic, etc. But maybe you know that. My T is humanistic but uses a lot of psychodynamic. Another issue is what problems they like to deal with--addiction, trauma, relationship, etc. Some do it all. For example, my T has specialties in trauma, divorce/marriage, and healing relationships between adult children and their parents.

Good luck, SecretGarden.

sunny

I am not sure who to trust now... men or women. And the idea of what kind of therapy gives me a headache...though I know of things I definitely do not want.

This is all so overwhelming....and has not been determined yet but I do see him in the morning. Please everyone send positive thoughts.

I am afraid I am going to fall apart when I get in there....

I feel like my head is so full right now I do not know where to go..... anxiety. Screwed this up....what about the next one?

Everyone has given me alot to think about... the mother/father etc.. issues to work on , etc... I will be reading and rereading... maybe write more in a bit. Thanks all.

I much perfer male therapist as it seems that I can bond with them a lot better than females. Of course then again those are some of my issues too so it spills over into my therapy situation. I love my therapist...he's a male, he is so gentle, warm and comforting. All the things my father was NOT so it may be that having a male therapist for me works best because it allows me to work through some of my issues better.

I've been abused by males as well as females. I've also had horrible, horrible experiences with counselors / therapists in the family therapy setting which were lead by as many females as males.
I had attached to teachers in my high school days, and the 2 I got closest to were male... Where as the one positive social worker I dealt with was female. So, positives came from both genders too.
But, I suppose I prefer females. I connect and open up more with them in the therapy sessions, and I feel they are more understanding of my issues...

(((((( SecretGarden ))))))

I'm sorry you're having to even think about this

I have had both male a femaile and prefer female I originally wanted a big brother kind of therapist but now I want a mothering kind of therapist. That's just me.

(( hugs ))

Me and Max

((((((((((((( SecretGarden ))))))))))))))))))

You're in my thoughts.

I'm just so sorry that you're in the position to begin with. I wish that you weren't having to manage self-care with your therapist, but it seems you need to and we'll support you through this.

KD

(((((((((((((((( SecretGarden )))))))))))))))))

I would bond more easily with a male therapist , partly coz I have issues with females in positions of "power" also....... I'm so sorry this is happening. Sending warm and gentle thoughts

My T taught me to "check your heart" and it has never failed me since. Give yourself space and care and see what "comes up" and run with it.

i think the gender is less important than the particular person. i'd say... meet a few and see how you feel. it might be that the guys are standing out more than the girls or it might be the other way around. you might find that it is other qualities that are more important to you.

i know that i find it much harder (it takes much longer) for me to bond with females. but that being said i did bond well with two female therapists and saw them as big sisters, i guess.

if you don't know... it might be that the male / female thing isn't really that much of an issue for you. maybe... it is more about finding the right person, whatever gender they might happen to be.

Thank you all. Never know how tomorrow might go... Hope for a win win...even if it means working toward closure. I really really really appreciate the support.

Perna.... My heart wants to stay and ignore (or legitimize) but my heart hurts. I am also angry.

We will both come to the table tomorrow... I hope... and what happens will happen. I only hope it will not hurt too much.

I seem to be relatively calm. Just hope for solild sleep tonight....

A male therapist has been better for me. However, I once had a female p-doc that my ex-husband used to see. She was so caring and really went out of her way to start working with me individually.

I had moved far away and she even did phone sessions. I was so young back then I didn't realize (until now) that she was trying to form a relationship with me.

I have issues with my mom and my dad. Sometimes I don't even know which one is worse. My T and I have not covered my mom and that is because I don't feel the need to. For some reason she and I never bonded and I couldn't care less. However, maybe it is affecting my female relationships so I probably should add it to the list.

I really think you might have to do some sessions with each type and see who you feel comfy with.

Just want to add my support. I wouldn't know how to begin to end a relationship - guess that's why I always wait for the other person to break it and sometimes sabotage it to go that way.

((((SecretGarden))))

This post seems a little late. But, you know, I have had male and female therapists. Both of the relationships have had strengths. In some ways, with the men, it was very therapeutic to try to overcome the…well, fear I had of getting close and trusting a man. With a woman I was able to grow because I think she understood and I could form a different type of bond. I am glad to have both—I think it is important to have both and to learn how to deal with each one—after all, in real life we deal with men and women.

Please know I am hear to support you in any way I can…

Thank you. I have had a session this morning and we are working things through. At least I have said what I need to and he has answered and I have taken notes to refer back to to internalize a bit more. I know I am not easy.

(((( Secret Garden ))))

I'm glad you're working it through. I think you will know in your heart what is right after today's session has had time to be absorbed.

Thank you