[amuseable]

When I share very very painful traumatic stuff (and i mean very violent stuff) with my T I feel so alone because he rarely says anything in the way of a response. I just sit there ... we have these long silences... because I am uncomfortable, don't know what to say next, and it just feels like a retraumatization almost. Like, great, here is another person who doesn't give a good damn. I want to scream sometimes. Like, listen Therapist, you have no idea what it is like to be 13, running shoeless and half- naked through city streets, covered in blood, trying to get help but noone will help .... and then come all these years later to a therapist ... to speak the unspeakable... and to have it feel the exact same f-ing way.

Could be he leaves that silence to encourage you to keep talking. But, I'd want some feedback too.

Maybe it would help to tell him that after you disclose something, you need to hear back from him. Something...anything...just some reassurance.

Take care, emmy

We at some point do have to re feel, but its done in a safe enviroment.

[ErinBear]

Hi Amuseable,

Different Ts work in different ways, and some listen more quietly when clients are talking. The current T I am seeing works more like you describe, and I'm having a hard time with it, too! I sure relate to what you are saying. Not all Ts work in this fashion, though. I suggest talking with your T about it, and asking if it is possible for your T to talk back and forth with you when you are sharing things that you remember, and why you would like this. You could even print out what you have written here, and bring it to therapy.

Please take gentle care of yourself - and I hope the situation with your T can be improved so it can feel like a better working environment. Thinking of you.

Take care,
ErinBear

[amuseable]

Thanks Erinbear for your response. It is so helpful for me to hear that other people in therapy go through some of the stuff I go through because usually I presume it is just me and there is something the matter with me. I have learned soooooo much from this website! Thanks again!

[ErinBear]

You're welcome, Amuseable. I'm thankful for this site, too, and have learned a lot here as well!

I don't know if this is helpful or not, but the main counselor I had before this one was much different in the way he worked with me. We generally talked back and forth a good deal more. I'm not sure how to describe this, but he was much more supportive and encouraging when I was talking about difficult things. He did listen, and I was very aware that he was listening and hearing what I was saying - but it was a participatory sort of listening. Sometimes he would ask questions that would encourage me to say more, or he would say something that might make something clearer or help me rethink an issue...or even just be reassuring at times. I really appreciated that, and it helped me to stick with it. It didn't seem as scary and alone as it does now. The therapist I see now tends to just sit there, silent, and for me, I find that scary, similar to some of the feelings you described. In my situation - for this reason and others - I may be seeking another therapist. I do know that something else exists out there, and I've talked at length with my therapist about the difficulties in our relationship. So far, we haven't been able to work the issues out. I think we just may not be a good personality match, or the working approach he has isn't a good fit for me.

Anyway, Amuseable, I'm a little like you in that I often think when there are problems in a situation, it is my fault....but that isn't always true! I think at least in the case I'm currently experiencing with my T, it is probably at least 50/50 shared responsibility. I do have some problems that are complicating the working relationship, but my T is contributing towards the problems and has acknowledged this. It's not just me. I know I've written a lot about my situation in this post, but I guess I wanted to write this because it really can be true that the T is responsible for at least part of the difficulty when there are struggles in the working relationship. It may not be completely due to difficulties that you are experiencing on your side of things. Ts are humans too. ;-)

Thinking of you still, and wishing you all the best.....

Take care,
ErinBear

The long silences can be uncomfortable cant they. I have only had one T and at the beginnning the long silences were very uncomfortable. In the end I actually told her I wasnt comfortable with that and it doesnt happen any more. I think its just something that therapists do!!!

[obsids]

I think it really depends on the T. My Pdoc doesn't talk much. I'm used to that. It is comfortable, because he is listening, not interrupting, prompting, or interacting.

My CBT talks a lot... asks a lot of questions. I can't/don't tell her everything that is on my mind because sometimes it bothers me when she reacts or tries to provoke something.

hey. yeah, it does depend on the therapist and it also depends on the therapists theoretical orientation. Freud advocated a kind of 'neutrality' where therapists weren't supposed to make supportive or encouraging noises, rather they were supposed to listen and make interpretations occasionally. there has been much written on how Freud didn't really do that in practice, but the idea of that kind of 'neutrality' still survives in some theoretical orientations.

it would be good if you could try and talk to your therapist about this. to see where they are coming from. and so they understand how you feel in response to their doing that.