[Ellahmae]

Continued From: Dear T: XV

[Ellahmae]

Please be gentle with me today.
I can't do another session of hard.

I wish we could do a 90 min session this week but i also am thinking i need a break from all this intense navel-gazing of late. Mostly i just want you to hug me again. Been awhile...

Sent from my LG-H345 using Tapatalk

[LonesomeTonight]

Dear MC,
Thanks for being so understanding today and willing to talk generally about what's going on with your wife. I wanted to ask more questions than I did, but also didn't want to make you talk about it more than you may have felt comfortable doing. It was hard to talk about exactly why I wanted to know and then talking about how that related to stuff like my upbringing and desire/need to care for people. But I think, while emotionally draining, it was a productive, enlightening session.

I did notice your hands shaking at one point. Maybe it was the coffee you were drinking, or maybe it was from trying to hold all your emotions inside? Wish I could give you a hug...

[Ambra]

I hate you.

I'm so tired of your words.

[Chummy]

Dear Pdoc

I see you tomorrow. I don't feel that anxious. There is a little bit of anxiety, but much less than I had for all those other appointments. It started the day before, fast heartbeat. Even though I knew there wasn't anything to be anxious about, my body didn't listen. But now I'm not that anxious. So that's good. Though tomorrow there's still a whole day to get anxious.

I'm a bit afraid I'll make a fool out of myself. Everytime I feel so supid. So dumb. And I hate that. When I'm with you, I'm like a teenager. So horrible. Why can't I be the me I'm with T? Everything I say to you sounds stupid and dumb. What do you think of me? You must find me pathetic.

[Ellahmae]

Good hell it's ridiculous how much I need you right now. :'(

dearest t: i've been doing my new ritual every day, lighting my candle and stating my affirmation. part of me feels like i'm preparing to step away from you. is that what this is about? i should write about it. how i feel. how after releasing all that 'gunk' as you called it last week, opened up a space for me to feel all the feelings about you, about our t relationship, and about leaving it and you, about what's going to become of me if i don't have this sacred space anymore, yet at the same time knowing i'll always have it inside myself.... these feels bring an aching in my heart.... and we need to talk about them. i will be ready to on thursday. as you said recently, "they're just words. they're just feelings." once again i say there's nothing "just" about any of it. but i'm going to say it all anyway because i have to.

[ejayy78]

I never really know when it's bad enough to call you for help. I'm scared you'll think I'm overreacting and not trying hard enough

[iheartjacques]

There. Shove that letter up your backside sideways. I'm not the only one concerned about your lack of responsiveness.

[Ellahmae]

I wish I had an invisibility cloak and you would just let me stay with you all the time. I wouldn't have to be seen, just to be near you. I feel like such a child but right now that's what I need. I need you. I need these feelings to go away. You said I was important to you, you didn't word it that way but I know what you meant, your eyes said it better than the words. I miss the comfort and safety I feel when I'm in your care.

[Chummy]

Dear Pdoc

Today. It didn't went that bad, but I still feel like so stupid. I talked with my soft, insecure voice. I hate that voice. Outside therapy I normally use my ''normal'' voice. Even in anxious situations. I'm not sure how my voice is with T. It might get softer if the topic is hard for me to talk about. I should talk to T about this. I really hate that soft, insecure voice. But I feel so insecure around you. You seem secure and mature.

You asked me how my trip was. I didn't told you a lot. I only told it was ok and two things I did (concert and theatre). I like that you remember my favorite singer and that you aked if it was a concert of him. Good guess.
I didn't told you much not because I didn't want to, but I didn't want to bother you. I'm afraid you only asked it to show a little bit of interest, and not because you really want to know. Just another trick to win the trust of patient.
I actually would like to talk more to you, but it's so hard for me and I'm afraid you would rather want me gone as soon as possible. It isn't just with you, I had it with previous T's. I also have it with other people.

[Chummy]

Pdoc,

I also saw a big weekendbag in the corner. I wondered what it was for. Are your sports stuff in it? It wasn't a sportsbag, but people use all kinds of bags for their sports stuff.
Or are you going to spend the night with someone? Or did you spend the night at someone's? That thought hurts. It hurts so ****ing much. I know you won't ever like me. I know. But my feelings won't go away. So imagining you with another woman, it hurts. It makes me sad. And also reminds me of how lonely I am. How repulsive. And that I'll never be with someone. I won't ever have someone who'll love me. How can anyone love me or even just like me.
You probably have a girlfriend (or boyfriend?). You could be single. But you such a nice and smart guy and goodlooking, there has to be some women who want to date you.

When I was in your office I didn't felt much. Only some anxiety. I felt so empty. And now I feel sad. So sad. So much pain. Not only because of this unrequited crush/love. There is so much more that's not good in my life. I'm such a useless mess.

[Mully]

I wish I didn't feel all the neediness right now. So much is going on inside that I don't even know where to begin and I feel like you are just gone. Part is probably the disconnect I feel, part is probably your shorter week last week and that we didn't get a chance to really talk even though a lot has come up, as you know. I wish I was able to come in to actually see you weekly, that would help so much but it isn't meant to be. I'm glad you are supposed to check in with me today, it's been a hard couple of days with extreme anxiety that you aren't coming back.

Thank you so much for fitting me in at 4pm when I phoned you at 1.45pm. I appreciate that you care enough to make time for me. It was weird seeing you so late in the day, and strangely weird seeing you holding a mug of tea. You looked somehow homely, or fatherly.

[Ellahmae]

I wish you would call and tell me to come in. I need to be there. I can't control anything right now and feel like I'm spinning down a dark tunnel never to come out.

[Mully]

I think you might have forgotten about me today and that makes me feel so awful. I hope I'm wrong and you just call later then usual; I know you aren't in the office today. But I'm feeling bad and worrying and it hurts.

[growlycat]

If you have been reading my posts on PC please just tell me! I won't be mad--this is a public forum after all!! I admit I have a crush on you. Satisfied?

So just tell me already. Your play on words was just a bit too coincidental today.

T...
I'm glad to learn that you really do feel that your clients impact you. I know I shouldn't have looked you up on social media, but I'm glad I discovered that!

[justdesserts]

I missed you today. I didn't think that I would, but when I drove by your office to my son to his therapist I wanted to drive in and see you. Today was not a safe day between husband and son. I'm so tired. Things are very tense and unhappy at home. I feel lost and unseen, invisible. I wish I could text you, but I don't want to seem needy or dependent and these are small problems in the great scheme of things.

[ejayy78]

T, I'm still afraid to call you for help. I'm really not doing well at all. The flashbacks are really bad and I'm not sleeping. I've been doing everything you tell me to do when I'm feeling like this and I don't think it's working. I'm trying really hard. And what would I even tell you if I call? That I'm having bad dreams? It sounds like a bad excuse to call. I not to call you between session, but it's really hard right now

[Ellahmae]

I'm hogging the dear t thread instead of contacting you.
Flashbacks suck.
Nightmares suck.
All of this sucks.
I hate it.
I want to have a room in your house where you can keep me safe.
One day I'll figure out how to feel safe without you.
Right now is not that time.
I'm not doing well.
I don't know what to do.
Help me, please...

You've seen me switch. A lot. I wish you would be open and honest about that. I feel like Im not drama queen enough for you.

Originally Posted by Ellahmae

I'm hogging the dear t thread instead of contacting you.
Flashbacks suck.
Nightmares suck.
All of this sucks.
I hate it.
I want to have a room in your house where you can keep me safe.
One day I'll figure out how to feel safe without you.
Right now is not that time.
I'm not doing well.
I don't know what to do.
Help me, please...

I'm sorry that you're hurting. *offers hug* Flashbacks and nightmares are indeed horrible. I hope your torment eases.

Dear Therapist,

Please take care. You've never been diagnosed with depression or anxiety in your life, you said. But I guess us clients' pain is a heavy weight. If you quit, well damn, I'll need to find another therapist. And I know how hard and fruitless the search has been for traumatised peers... I'm scared you're giving up.

I hope you're not quitting, but just setting boundaries, because I know we (and you with others) often go overtime...