Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XVI

Dear uni therapist,

What did I do wrong? What is wrong with me? I feel very strongly that you want me gone, and it hurts me so much. I can feel it in every bone in my body. You want me to go away.

So I'll leave. I'll give you that. I'm so sorry you've been stuck with me for a whole year. In fact, I'm sorry you've had to meet me at all.

I'm still trying to figure out what in the world you meant the other day when you said "I am not kind". If you weren't kind, how could you do the job you do and do it so well? Surely you meant something more like "I'm not saying what I said to be kind." That makes a lot more sense, and surely must be what you meant.

You should talk to your t about learning how to accept a compliment.

Dear T,

**** heart transplant as destination. They changed the criteria and made it so rigid, I'll never qualify now. I'm eating m&ms.
**** it.

Thank you for being there for me, especially right now. Thank you for making therapy so safe.

I'm struggling so much. I don't know how I'm going to make it. I know you're excited about expanding your practice and all that's going on, but I wish your memory was better these days. I need you to remember what's been going on. It's too painful for me to have to remind you all the time.

You know how you say that you are not a mind reader? The same ****ing goes for you too, mate!

this is my first week of my new job and you can't make the time for an appt for me this week? **** you too

t,

good sesh today. fun. i like chatting with you. and im glad we are taking score with the Rummy now even though you slaughtered me today. I WILL GET MY REVENGEEEEE!!!!

see ya thursday,

me

Dear T
Durrr, you're supposed to ask me whats wrong if I cancel with no reason, not say thanks for letting me know.
And no, I'm not taking care. I don't give a ****. I'm falling apart.
Red.

Oh T I don't wanna die. It hurts too much, in general. I'm sorry. I hope you can trust me again, I had plenty of time to decide i want to live while stuck in the pain - big differenc from last time - and i think i'm cured of my death wishes. I just want you to feel ok about me and not leave and trust me that I WILL respect our pact from now on.
You won't leave me.. right?

so im officially looking for a new T. what are your feelings about that?

I trust you. And that scares me. You know my feelings and you respect them. Ugh. I don't know what to do with this.

Dear T,

I feel so sad for you that your husband is sick. I wish I could be there for you. I also miss you a lot. I need you, too.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Dear T,
Thanks for not cancelling due to weather today. I expected that both times you called were to cancel, but they weren't. You were just making sure I could make it in. Thanks for today's session--it was nice that you touched my arm when I left, but I wish I'd had the courage to ask for a hug.

But more than anything, thanks for almost immediately responding to my text tonight when I told you the sad news about my former coworker. There was a tiny part of me that wished you would have called or told me to call, but what you texted was just what I needed to hear. You're awesome.

It hurts me that you are hurting with your earache. I hate to see you in pain. I love you to much for that. You have no idea how much I just love your existence. Knowing there is someone like you in the world makes me so happy and I feel so blessed to have you as a T. You are amazing.

New Dear T Thread - Dear T: XVII

D.T
Today's session was cold as ice, i'm sure you felt this too . i noticed myself becoming hostile to you , and i didn't care.after the session i thought myself that whatever that's left of our connection is getting lost .but even this thought made me feel : well , i don't care.
i feel like i have to cope on my own. feels like there's no way we could get anything done together. At my lonliest times you couldn't do anything for me(of course you were not supposed to , in terms of a quick fix or consolation ) and at times like those , i'm still as lonely.i really wish i could explain to you what's going on inside of me but whenever i want to ,my mind literally goes blank and while i have a strong impression that there's a lot to share, my mind says there's just nothing.