Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XVI

Boy i wish i had a recording of what you said yest when we were talking about feelings. It was perfect. Esp the part about when your heart breaks open to accept love it can hurt too. I <3 you.

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T1, do you miss me?

I have so much to say to you and I have to wait. My transference is intense and I feel awful.

Dear T,

After therapy today:

Daughter and grandson came over to carve a pumpkin. I acted like everything was all right. I didn't help them, though. Just not into it.

Supposed to go ride in the car with them trick or treating tomorrow. I don't want to go.

I took my evening medication and am going to bed early. I hope I stay asleep.
I took my phone off the hook. The ring startles me and makes me feel bad.
My Email still works.

I know you are there but I feel so totally alone.

You tell me to go home and grieve. Just grieve. I feel I have cried and grieved these memories my whole life. I never felt better. Nothing is going to make me feel better.

If I ask you to watch me extra close again- you should.

I haven't confirmed my appointment yet because I'm still pissed at you

Dear T,

I told you that I wish I could just sob...right there...in your office.. You asked me how that would help me. I said it would make you a witness to my pain. You said, "Do you think I cannot see your pain? I can look at you right now and see your pain."

T and PrevT have no idea. None. How bad my pain feels. Just this pain ...childhood pain...alone...is over the top.

3:00am sat. I remember this place. I remember why I try not to let myself go here- I promised myself I would never go here again.

Are you trying to let me get bad enough to be admitted- on purpose?

Impatient doesn't help.

And this is just grief from childhood. Not counting failures- college pain, divorce pain, work pain, psychiatrist pain, litigation pain, dad death pain, mom death pain, me being dependent and not in control of where I live...no financial ability to sustain myself....when the car goes, it goes...independence failure pain. Health pain. Social phobia pain.

It boggles my mind, the pain. I can't contain it in my brain all at once..the pain is too much.

T, I so badly want you to know what my father used to say to me when he would hurt me. The things I keep hearing every night when I try to sleep. But I can't imagine saying it out loud. I'm afraid you'll think I'm dirty and gross too

Im so mad at you right now, I can't understand why Im still counting the days.

I really hate the weekends.

Same. Went to party. Had great time. Finally confirmed appointment for next Tuesday. Here's to three days of stomach churning anxiety.

Um, so the more I think about it the less I understand why in the world you told me about a client who is so depressed she might have to drop out of school. You had good intentions of trying to let me know I haven't fallen apart even though I feel like I'm going to, but you said yourself I have problems with feeling guilty for having, well, feelings. And guess what that little statement about the girl did.

It actually pissed me off after the session because all I did was feel bad for feeling so out of control because at least I haven't been admitted to a hospital and at least I'm not on the verge of having to drop out of school. Well good for me...And you know what? I AM overwhelmed. You don't get to challenge that. I am blown away by how you handled yesterday, and NOT in a good way

I'm not doing so well. Bad memories have come up and make me feel angry and sad. I thought I had worked through all my high school traumas, but I guess not. Why does it surface now, what has triggered it?

It feels different to cope with it now I'm not in therapy anymore. I miss talking to you about it. I can handle it on my own, I know that. It's not easy, but it's not as difficult as some other issues I had to deal with.

And I'm different now. I still feel strong inside. This is temporarily making me feel insecure, I know better times will come again. I only have to accept the situation and allow these emotions to be there. You've taught me how to do that. You've made me strong.

It makes me miss you again, but also feel so very grateful to have had you in my life. I know you would be proud of me right now.

Dear T,
I really liked the phrase you said today that "the opposite of fear is faith in yourself that no matter what, you'll be ok." I don't actually have any faith in myself which you know, but I am maybe starting to believe that i might let you help me. We'll see.

I'm too much for people.
I make everyone sad.
I'm a disappointment.
I should just go.
Be alone.

I hate it when I know I'm about to break and that you are the only one that can prevent it. I will not call you. I've pestered you enough already over the last two days with my nonsense. When am I going to learn to stop running in circles? Why can't you just push me off that wheel???

T

i ate today

me

I know I don't graduate until May which is 7 months away but I can't stop thinking about what it is going to be like saying goodbye to you. Maybe we can talk about it this week. This week's session will mark our one year anniversary, to the day, so it might be a good time to talk about it.

I think its so cool we were both vampires for halloween. We didn't even plan it that way, it just happened. I think our connection is deeper than we both think it is and it feels really good.

Dear T

How do you get hope back? I have no hope for the future and without hope, I think it's hard to get motivation and to work on things and to want things.

There is no more playing, joking or laughter-
No Micky Mouse.
No gaiety or cheer.
No happiness,
Ever, again.

Dear T

I am not sure what I want to work on this week.

But, these "unplanned" sessions are always good.

Just Me

Dear T,

I DID IT!!! I can't wait to tell you next week

Hi, it's me, Shakey. I just wanna talk. Not sure what about. I almost want to ask you to go hang out with me and shoot the breeze, maybe hit some tennis balls. That's hilarious in itself. I couldn't imagine you on a tennis court...
Funny that. To think about it. I feel so close to you but we'd never meet in real life. The probability of you doing any of the stuff I would do is zero.

T,

Now that you know (I told you again...) for certain that I look at your public instagram... are those hippy self-care, "therapisty" positive posts on mindfulness and change for my / other clients' benefit?

I don't think I'm that important to have been the sole agent of your abrupt change in style, but did you have a week where a bunch of us boundary-impaired clients told you that we found your instagram or something?

I'm disgusting. Please don't hurt me.

Really looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. *heart eyes*

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