Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XVI

Having that great debate in my head, now that I do have an appointment with you this week. Should I cancel and just wait for our originally scheduled appt. next week? Or keep this one and re-schedule next weeks appt.?? The "issue" I was having has passed, so we can just forget it, right? Nothing to talk about anymore. I feel stupid canceling, AND I feel stupid NOT canceling. I lose either way.

Hey t. Did you hear my psyche last night? I know sometimes you do because you have brought up things twice before that I've tried to "think at" you. Hope you did this time.

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......

I am under the sneaking suspicion that we have much more in common than you let on.
Are we dancing here? Or is it all in my head?

Dear T,

❤️ to T...whatever you are dealing with, I'm thinking of you.

dear t i'm going to see for the first time tomorrow:
please don't throw me out like my last therapist. please don't vacillate between thinking i need to be locked up in intensive psychiatric care and then by the end of the session saying i'm perfectly fine because i have a job. please don't hate me for the things i confess when i could be murdered for them in all but 1-2 safe spaces. please don't think i'm beyond help.

dear former t:
i hope when you cash my last check to you, you drop all that cash on the ground and you can't make your rent on time. i hope the lid to your coffee never quite goes on right and every day you spill it all over your car and lap on your way to work. i hope all your white shirts get sweat stains that won't come out. i hope my yelp reviews are keeping lots of potential clients out of your office. i wish every possible inconvenience on you. i truly hope your life is hell.

Dear T,

You mentioned in today's session that you'd had a sad week last week. I didn't want to pry too much, even though I just pried in MC's life, because you're a much more private person. I hope you understood my concern in saying "I hope everything's OK" (yet not asking more) and understand that I care about and have compassion for you, too.

Ah, so this is the great pdoc you were talking about!? 150$ for a half hour chat - that I can't afford - and a dry reply to my question of where their office is!?
Cool. If I ever see you again, those 150$ are 3 of your sessions. I'll start 3 weeks later with you then.

p.s. Do NOT call me if you cannot handle it. I wrote you 2 questions and you didn't answer one. It was important to me to know where my drawings are. But I didn't have the guts to ask you in the end because you were clearly bothered and wanted to hung up. Then why on earth did you have me call you in the evening? You don't need to prove me anything, especially if you can't.

WHERE THE **** IS MY OLD T. I'll tell you: you have just made enough money and gotten enough clients to make them a number. I feel I'm not so sure I'd like you anymore.. I'll better leave space then, you keep saying I'm well after all.
I'm so, so sorry T.

The feels. 4 years. I wish you had warned me somehow.

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Thank you for letting me love you.

I need you so much. It hurts to need you so much, and I wish you needed me the same way. I'm so incredibly jealous of your spouse.

Dear T,

You have said over and over- "Call anytime, email anytime." You have never complained about anytime I have contacted you. You even said words to the effect that I worry it's a problem when you haven't been concerned even once.

But I feel/fear I contact you too much. And I'm confused which way you prefer I contact you. I prefer email, but you have commented you are overloaded with email. A few of my emails never reached you. You seem to prefer calls- anytime. But...I don't want to phone you as often as I email you. And if I'm having a bad time at midnight, for example...I don't want to phone you at all...

Today was just...too much information for me. Now I'm concerned about you. I wish you the best whatever is going on. I would have rather you let the call go to vm, but I understand you were a little flustered.

I don't want to be a bother, really! I'm just trying to take you at your word....that you have set good boundaries for yourself.

This all makes me not want to contact you outside of session at all.

I texted you a few hours ago, just a friendly text. The true motive of my text was to just have a little contact. I feel so needy for you. When you finally answered a few hours later, your reply was rather curt. You obviously didn't want to continue the conversation like you usually do. Are you angry? Can you tell that I am needy? Now I feel worse.

If you're so brilliant, why do you keep reverting back to using MY WORDS for your articles????

This couldn't possibly end well. Plagiarism doesn't become you.

T,
I'm excited to see you tomorrow. I'm feeling much better than I was when we last spoke. When we last spoke I wanted so much to ask you if you were mad at me before we hung up the phone but I refrained. The last two appointments you asked me to read my journal from the days we were apart. I'm wondering if you are going to want that again. I've been listening to a couple old recordings and I have to say that I ****ing love your voice. I love when you say "****." I love when you whisper. I love when you say sweet or caring things like "Take care of yourself. Nurture yourself. You're worth it. You're loveable." I love when you say my name. I love that I know you so well that I know what kind of face you're making when you say certain things. I know when you're about to cough.

All of this might be nice, but it's not good for me because I just get more attached... If that's even possible. I can hear you say, "The more you squeeze, the more I pull back. You let go, I come in closer. If you want more of me you have to let go." I'll work on it tomorrow by not looking at you in that "weird" way. The way that shows how much I am completely enamored with you. Still, I ****ing love you...

It never ceases to amaze me how low you will stoop for a buck.

Your actions may come back to bite you, so be careful.

Your office is my safe room. I want to stay there forever with you where I feel safe and you can keep me safe. I miss you.

I did my homework and it made me realize that I hate myself and that you should hate me too. I'm pathetic and we both know it, but you're too nice to say so. You should terminate me and fill my hour with somebody who has a prayer of being helped.

T, I see you in 3 hours. What the **** was I thinking!?!?!?!?!?!

Trying to get better is hard. Now I know what I was so afraid of for so long when it came to going on medication. Managing to be functional even with my severe anxiety for so long, that was actually the easy part. This whole " getting worse before better", trying to hang on to the hope that there's a light at the end of the tunnel even when I feel awful and out of control, wanting to stop the medication and just go back to what is familiar but at the same time wanting to finally get relief?--One of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. It's a battle of wills...with myself.

What you said to me last session about guilt made so much sense to me, and I hadn't thought of it that way before. Where you pull all these nuggets of wisdom from?!

I just wanted to share that I found the courage to read this to my T. This was the conversation.

T: OK. Um. OK. We'll end on that.

Me: You're just going to pull back now.

T: No. No, no, no. No. Not at all. I appreciate the honesty. You have to be honest with what you're doing.

Me: I have to be honest with you completely

T: More importantly you have to be honest with yourself. You know what you're doing. You're bright. You're a smart girl. The more clear you are (less depressed) the more I can see your brains. When you know what you're doing, the consequences of your behaviour are greater. It's just something else to get over.

Anyway, it went a lot better than I thought, meaning that he did not become immediately ridged and standoffish like he has done in the past. I just wanted to make it clear to him how I am still thinking of him. The hardest part to read was the last sentence.

1. I hate it when I go into your office feeling good and leave feeling like ****. This work can be too much.

2-10. Thank you for loving me.

Thank you for today. I don't have words to express my gratitude.

I never imagined you and I would turn out this badly. Never, never, never!! How could you??? I thought you were so much more of a man (better than average) but you turned on me and ran away to hide. No reasons offered. You dropped out and left me in pieces. Why?

I'm so very sad about it all. You'll never know how sad.