After my session this week I re- experienced feelings of trauma, which were awful. I want my T to express sympathy next week. People often say that Ts should give empathy not sympathy, I'm just thinking why. I'm expecting that when I tell my T she will jump straight in to trying understand why I felt that way and what I felt, and I feel that ll I will want is sympathy.

[Argonautomobile]

I don't think I've ever felt a meaningful distinction between empathy and sympathy in session, despite understanding intellectually how they're supposed to be different. So I guess I'll undercut the distinction and just say that I've certainly wanted compassion from my T before. Not analysis, just compassion.

Can you tell your T what you do need, if she jumps right into analysis without sympathizing?

[Suraya]

To me sympathy feels like pity and puts me in the victim mode. Empathy or compassion is deep listening and being with you and your feelings; trying to understand.

[stopdog]

I find the woman's attempts at empathy to be awful in that she is always off base and not listening. Her attempting sympathy is not good either-it is condescending when she comes from that angle.

[TangerineBeam]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

I'm expecting that when I tell my T she will jump straight in to trying understand why I felt that way and what I felt, and I feel that ll I will want is sympathy.

I kind of feel the same way sometimes. I call it "stay with me, but don't talk to me" state. When a child burns his fingers on a stove, he doesn't want to talk about his feelings. He wants some compassion. When I'm feeling down I can ask my T to stop with analyzing, because I just want her to be there for me. And she agrees to do just that when I need it.

Just try telling your T that jumping to discussion about your feelings is not what you need right now.

[granite1]

i guess empathy would be nice but i seem to always feel strange when she attempts it .i dont know what to do with that kind of response so kind of like a deer in headlights or feel so uncomfortable i just want to push her away . in fact the last time she attempted it i put my hands up and just said i cant handle this and you need to stop . she did.

[ChavInAHat]

I think compassion is a better way of looking at it than sympathy.

I had a meeting with my daughter's school and hated the sympathy her T gave me upon reading a report with my history in it. It felt fake and 'therapisty' and my T calls it being 'knobby'. Which it is!

My T shows compassion and acknowledges that things were hard and are hard, but yeah, definitely more compassion and empathy rather than sympathy

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[atisketatasket]

I think the answer to the OP's question is that sympathy is kind of a dead-end in therapy. Hearing that someone feels your pain (sympathy) is nice, but if your aim is to deal with the pain - and that is the therapist's job - then understanding the pain (empathy) is a more useful tool.

[Mike_J]

Empathy yes, sympathy no, pity HECK NO!!!!!

I rarely want anyone's sympathy. The only exception to that is sympathy I might get from more distant acquaintances about a death in the family or something. I guess I don't feel much need for it. I mean, I know whatever is going on in that moment sucks, so I don't really need people to pity me, and sympathy often comes off as just pity. I saw a few T's (very briefly) who seemed to exude sympathy ("Oh, poor thing"). Just a huge, insincere turn-off.

Empathy is more what I need and appreciate from my therapists and pdoc. That ability to not feel sorry for me, but instead, to have a sense of understanding that goes more deep that surface level sympathy and an "I'm sorry you feel bad"-- to know that, even though they haven't personally experienced what I am going through, they recognize and validate that it is very real for me, that I need to be heard and that my experience is worthy of a certain respect, that it is complex and won't be fixed by a pat on the back or a hug alone, that they recognize this will take time and that it's okay to be feeling whatever the heck it is I am feeling.

[stopdog]

"I'm sorry you feel bad" is worse than nothing for me. That sort of bland, useless, non-statement can make me almost homicidal at them and only reinforces they have no idea about anything. It does not make me feel validated, or heard, or understood. It, for me, is exactly the opposite. If that is empathy - then I would be willing to pay more money to stop them doing it at me.

I looked up the definition of pity (Oxford English dictionary):

the feeling of sorrow and compassion caused by the sufferings and misfortunes of others.
"her voice was full of pity"

synonyms: compassion, commiseration, condolence, sorrow, regret, sadness, distress, sympathy, fellow feeling, understanding, feeling, emotion;

I think that maybe we use the word 'pity' more to imply a level of superior condescension: 'I pity you', but that doesn't seem to be the dictionary definition.

Sympathy definition:
'feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else's misfortune.'

Empathy definition:
'the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.'

I want/need to be comforted - verbally hugged, or if she offered something non-verbal I'd go for that. Sympathy feels more comforting than empathy, or is being comforted something different altogether?

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

I don't think I've ever felt a meaningful distinction between empathy and sympathy in session, despite understanding intellectually how they're supposed to be different. So I guess I'll undercut the distinction and just say that I've certainly wanted compassion from my T before. Not analysis, just compassion.

Can you tell your T what you do need, if she jumps right into analysis without sympathizing?

I know I'll be able to avoid the analysis, but I will struggle a bit to say what I feel I need.

[Chummy]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

Sympathy definition:
'feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else's misfortune.'

Empathy definition:
'the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.'

I get a lot of empathy from my T. She understands most of what I tell her. But I think sometimes I would rather have some sympathy. She often says things like ''I understand why you feel like that'', It's understandable that you feel that way'', and she will say something about past situations that are comparable to this or why it's logical that I feel this way. And we will talk more about it and what I can do about it...
But sometimes,when I feel really bad, I just want something more, more sympathy and not right away start discussing it.

My pdoc once said to me after I told him about SI thoughts ''I find it unfortunate for you'' (something like that). And it felt good to hear that (whether he means it or it was just a T thing to say). I haven't heard something like that much from T's.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

I looked up the definition of pity (Oxford English dictionary):

the feeling of sorrow and compassion caused by the sufferings and misfortunes of others.
"her voice was full of pity"

synonyms: compassion, commiseration, condolence, sorrow, regret, sadness, distress, sympathy, fellow feeling, understanding, feeling, emotion;

I think that maybe we use the word 'pity' more to imply a level of superior condescension: 'I pity you', but that doesn't seem to be the dictionary definition.

No. 1 once said, "I don't feel pity for you, I feel compassion." She didn't regard them as synonyms, because to her pity meant that you could feel sorry for someone but couldn't relate, while compassion meant that you felt sorry WITH someone, that you were with them in their pain.

Compassion and sympathy are the same words, by the way, just compassion is from Latin and sympathy is from Greek.

[Out There]

Is " validation " something to look at as well as empathy / sympathy? I don't deal well with sympathy. I have trauma and do well with validation ( Yes that happened and it was crap , I feel crap ... ) My T validates it.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I get empathy and compassion from my T. I don't like sympathy from anyone because I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me. I just want understanding and care.

Originally Posted by Out There

Is " validation " something to look at as well as empathy / sympathy? I don't deal well with sympathy. I have trauma and do well with validation ( Yes that happened and it was crap , I feel crap ... ) My T validates it.

Yes validation is a good point, perhaps that's the crux of what I want.

Does sympathy feel more acceptable when it is a child? The feelings that I've been re- experiencing which I've never before sought comfort for from others date from my childhood.

[Out There]

If we didn't receive those things as a child we will still want them in adulthood. It's excruciating sometimes.

[UglyDucky]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

After my session this week I re- experienced feelings of trauma, which were awful. I want my T to express sympathy next week. People often say that Ts should give empathy not sympathy, I'm just thinking why. I'm expecting that when I tell my T she will jump straight in to trying understand why I felt that way and what I felt, and I feel that ll I will want is sympathy.

No. All I ever want from my T after sessions like you had is understanding; something that tells me s/he knows I'm hurting and s/he's there w/me.

[feralkittymom]

I think it's a pretty natural need that comes from a place of great vulnerability, outside of cognitive pathways. I think even as adults we sometimes can feel a need for reassurance and comfort; but when the emotion is so strong and comes from a child's sense of vulnerability, it is visceral and direct and outside of cognition. Maybe the expression of a wish for a caretaker to "make it all better" by providing a safe moment of respite and protection from the disturbing emotion. I think some Ts are better than others at perceiving such moments and being attuned to them, balancing their response accordingly. I had such moments, and usually my T was attuned enough to meet the need--temporarily carry the emotion for me--but occasionally missed it, leaving me feeling unseen.

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

After my session this week I re- experienced feelings of trauma, which were awful. I want my T to express sympathy next week. People often say that Ts should give empathy not sympathy, I'm just thinking why. I'm expecting that when I tell my T she will jump straight in to trying understand why I felt that way and what I felt, and I feel that ll I will want is sympathy.

I'm not sure I understand here. What is your definition if empathy? To me empathy is what I see in T's face and feel in her presence. Sympathy is a rather detached emotion. A "aaww poor you" before someone continued on their way. Where as empathy is T actually meeting me in where I am and being with me in that moment.
The 'jumping in', hasn't really happened. T gently peels away beneath it, but it's a sequence. Not a violent miss matching.

THere is nothing wrong with wanting sympathy from your therapist. I would rather have sympathy than empathy which i find rather stupid and belittling. How can anyone really understand another person's feelings and know what they are going through? Useless and condescending in my opinion. I find it really invalidating for someone to pretend they know how I feel or what I'm going through. Sympathy is at least more honest.

Compassion is a word I use for what I would like.

Originally Posted by _Mouse

I'm not sure I understand here. What is your definition if empathy? To me empathy is what I see in T's face and feel in her presence. Sympathy is a rather detached emotion. A "aaww poor you" before someone continued on their way. Where as empathy is T actually meeting me in where I am and being with me in that moment.
The 'jumping in', hasn't really happened. T gently peels away beneath it, but it's a sequence. Not a violent miss matching.

Maybe it's just a question of language, I think the words sympathy and empathy mean different things. I think I'm just worried that I'm going to go back and see her and that it is not going to help me, I don't know if she'll even be able to comprehend what I've experienced this week.