[Chummy]

Today at the end of my session my T: ''There's something I need to tell you''. I was a bit shocked, I thought I was in trouble or something. ''Ok, what is it?'' T: ''haven't you seen it yet?''. Me: ''you're pregnant?''
I had seen that she had a small belly, but honestly I hadn't thought about pregnancy. I thought she just had a small belly, or just had some food or something. But she's pregnant again.

She has a two year old daughter. She got pregnant of her last time I was in therapy. That time I was in therapy for anxiety. I decided to quit therapy instead of getting a new T. I was doing better and I went away for some language study. When I got back from that I got really depressed and I had waited about a year until I asked for help.
Since the beginning of 2015 I was back in therapy with T. Only since October I went feeling a little bit better.

My T said I should think about what I want. She going on leave on 1st April. Do I want to stay with her until then or do I already want some sessions with another T. Or do I want to do the grouptherapy/training, which my T thinks would be good for me to try. Or do I just want to try it on my own for a while, so without therapy.
I already know a bit what I want with therapy. That's not the problem.
Maternity leave is 16 weeks. So she will be away until the end of July. Maybe longer if she will use her vacation days or if she takes extra unpaid leave. I don't know, I haven't ask her yet.

I'm going to miss her. I thought I would say goodbye to her when I was ready to leave therapy. I didn't expected her to be pregnant this year.
I thought I could live without her. I've told her in a previous session that I can live without her, when my therapy is done. But not while I still need therapy.
And that's now going to happen. I can live without her, it's just going to be hard. A new T. This T is the only one I've trust. I've no idea if I'll like a new T.

Also why this is doing so much to me: jealousy/envy. I've never told her this. She does know that I think she's a very good T and that she's important to me. And she also knows that I can get jealous/angry at her other clients, when I see the client before me stayed to after their endtime. She knows I want to be her favorite client.
But I envy her. She's pretty, smart, funny, nice, she has a good body, she has a good job, she has family and friends, she has ben together with her boyfriend for at least 6 years, she has a cute daughter and now she gets another daugther.
I don't know if I ever want kids. Being pregnant sounds horrible to me. Maybe adoption, though a girl of my own would be so amazing. But that's the thing, I would only want a girl, no boy, absolutely no boy. And now T will have two cute daugthers. How wonderful that must be. T also said she likes that she will have another girl. She said a boy would be nice if the boy was first, but now she already has a girl, another girl would be better (something like that).
I'll see her get bigger and bigger. I don't like that. I don't want that. There's just something, I don't know what it is, but I've never liked pregnant woman. That big belly while the rest of the body is slim. The idea that there's something inside of them. This is also why I don't see being pregnant as something I would want. But whatever.

Right now I just feel sad and lonely.

[Chummy]

What I want to do with therapy: I want to stay with T until she leaves. I'll need therapy. If I would try it on my own, I don't think that would work. I'm not doing that good at the moment and I don't expect me to change drastically in 2,5 months.
Maybe it would be a good idea to try that grouptraining. And after or during that a new T. Maybe every other week or something.
I have some exams in April/May and if I pass those, then I'll start college in September. And I know I need to have the support of a T during at least the first few weeks/months. I haven't been to school in a long time and this is college, so it would be even harder than highschool. (I've social anxiety)
Maybe I can have T back when she's back to work?
We'll talk about this next week.

[doogie]

I'm sorry. That is a shock. I hope that you can talk with your T and find a solution that feel good and right for you.

[LonesomeTonight]

I'm sorry... I'd talk to your T about all the feelings you're having.

Maybe consider trying a couple sessions with a new T while you're still seeing this one? So maybe you can find someone you feel at least somewhat comfortable with for support until your T comes back from leave. You could give the group thing a try, too.

[Chummy]

Finding out what to do with therapy won't be that hard. Trying out s new T while still having sessions with my T would be a good idea. Where my current T works, works about8 more T's. So my T might know who of them could be a match with me.

The hardest will be to not see my T for at least 4 months.
I find it hard to tell my T my feelings of envy and my feelings about her leaving. Telling her that I sometimes get jealous on her other clients and that I want to be her favorite, that was hard for me. I'm so afraid she'll think I'm too dependent on her. I'm not. Maybe a little bit. I can get through the week without feeling the need to contact her and such.
Telling her about feelings that have to do with her, it makes me feel...vulnerable, I think.

There's also some anxiety. Anxiety about having to continue therapy without her. She's the only T who has been able to help me. I'm afraid whatever T I'll get, that he or she will suck. My T understands me and my feelings. Even when I was only a few weeks in therapy with her. I like her. She says good/useful/smart things.
How can any T come even close to how good my T is?

[Chummy]

I just remembered something. A few sessions ago we were talking about therapy and her. She asked if I could be without her (something like that). I said something like: ''I can be without you, but when therapy ends, when I don't need therapy anymore. But now, when I still need therapy, I need you. I can live without you. But I rather have you as a T. If I would need a new T, it can be a really long time until I find a good one. You have been the only T that has been able to help me. Previous T's didn't know what to do with me and some even were bad for me.''

This was somewhere in December. She already knew she would have to leave in a few months.

[Chummy]

I'm posting my thoughts here, so I can have it all in a place. I probably should share part of all this with T.

''T,

I'm going through all sort of emotions. First it was mostly sadness and anxiety. It's still that, but now there's also some anger. But sadness still has the upperhand.

I'm googling 'my T is pregnant' and it's good to know that I'm not the only one who feels about this like me. I acted just happy when you told me. I'm happy for you. Another girl, how wonderful. But right after I panicked. I felt so sad.

And tonight I've actually cried. I've no idea how I'm going to go through months without seeing you. I'll be all my myself again.
But then I also felt some anger. Mostly about therapist in general. I detested therapists before I met you. And now. How can you do this! How can any T do this. Seriously, are you all so stupid. Why be a T when you know you're going to be pregnant and leave them for some time. Do you know how mean/selfish that is. All T are just useless and stupid. I hate T's. I never want to see one again. You T's do more wrong than good. **** you all!

You knew you would be going on leave soon when I told you that I think I can be without you when I don't need therapy again, but that I don't want to be without you while I still need therapy. Because you've been the only T I've trusted and who was able to help me.
That was last month. And you ****ing knew that this, you leaving me while I still need therapy, would going to happen in a few months.

I like you, but right now I ****ing hate you!

I just want to go to next session and yell ''**** you. Go be happy with your baby. I don't want therapy from you ever again. **** all T's!''
I don't want to see another T again. Never! I hate them!

Possible trigger:

I want to die. I always want to be dead, but now I really want it. What's the point. Everything is useless. I don't want to live.

(I'm a real mess right now)''



''T,

Some sessions ago we talked about my jealousy. You said/asked if I was still a bit afraid to lose you. And I was/am.
And now I'll lose you in a few months. And you already knew. You knew when you asked me that.
And then you told me this at the end of the session, when it was time to leave. No time to talk about it. Just for the start of the weekend. It won't bother you. No, you all happy and everything. But me, I'm a crying, anxious, angry mess. And I've no one to talk to. ''

I'm sorry you're hurting, Chummy.

[unlockingsanity]

I'm sorry to hear this is happening to you. I'm glad you have a lot of options at your disposal though.

[Chummy]

T,

I remembered another thing. A few months ago I noticed you had a little belly. I immediately worried that you were pregnant again. I even wrote it here in the dear T topic. But then I thought it was because you just had lunch. And slim/skinny woman can also have a small belly. And I thought you wouldn't get pregnant at this time, because the website of the agency mentioned that you'll be starting a study to become a **-therapist. You would start that this year. So because of that I didn't think you would be pregnant this year.
But my first thought/instinct was right.

Was it planned? If so, when did you and your boyfriend decide to try for another one. Did you knew when you took me on as a client again?

I had a T promise they wouldn't kick me out of therapy, then tell me she was going away for 4 to 6 months maternity leave.

I'd noticed the small belly too, but thought she just had lunch. I also thought she wouldn't get pregnant as this was her first job after graduating from her Masters and she was on a 3 year bond to the hospital.

But yeah, her husband and her were newly weds and they decided on having kids early.

It wasn't her pregnancy which hurt, but what hurt was me telling her "Don't promise me - you might decide you want to have children etc." and she said "No, I intend to keep working with you. I'm not intending on kicking you out of therapy."

I'm sorry you're hurting! I can imagine and relate a little bit.

I understand how you could feel abandoned. But it's her right to get pregnant when and how ever many times she wants to. Whether it was planned or not is her business. There were a handful of reasons I chose an older therapist, and this issue was one of them. While your T is on maternity leave, could you look into other therapists, and maybe try to choose one who's older, hoping that she has already raised her kids already?

I completely understand how hard this must be, again, it is something I took into consideration when looking for a T.

[Chummy]

I know it's her right. And I'm happy for her that she's hetting another daughter. I'm just angry about how she has handled things.
She would start a new study this year, so I thought she she wouldn't be pregnant this year.
If I would have known that she was planning to have a leave in the following year, I might have decided to not start therapy with her, but I would have looked for another T. A T doesn't have to tell her clients if she's planning to get pregnant, but she could inform them that maybe she would have a leave in the following year. She doesn't have to say the reason for that. It's could be a long vacation, so.
Also, somewhere during the summer months I was doubting if I should stay with this T or if it might be better to try a new one, fresh eyes and such. But then I thought it would be running away and I should think rationally. I should have listened to my instict/guts. I should have left when I could. Now I'm all attachted and everything.

My T knows I'm scared to lose her as a T before I'm ready to quit therapy. Somewhere in the first few months I've talked about how scared I am that she going to send me away to another T. We even talked about this a few weeks ago. We talked about that I'm afraid to lose her, that I don't want to stop seeing her before I'm done with therapy, before I'm ready.
So she gave me a few options to think about. I could see someone else when she goes on leave. But she knows my history with T's. She knows how I think about T's. I've talked about that often. I've even mentioned it a few weeks ago.

And the she just drop this bombshell at the end of the session, just before the weekend. And I'm now left to myself dealing with this news. She should have known better. She should have handled it differently.
I'm a bit angry and dissappointed about that.

[Chummy]

Originally Posted by QuietMind

I had a T promise they wouldn't kick me out of therapy, then tell me she was going away for 4 to 6 months maternity leave.

I'd noticed the small belly too, but thought she just had lunch. I also thought she wouldn't get pregnant as this was her first job after graduating from her Masters and she was on a 3 year bond to the hospital.

But yeah, her husband and her were newly weds and they decided on having kids early.

It wasn't her pregnancy which hurt, but what hurt was me telling her "Don't promise me - you might decide you want to have children etc." and she said "No, I intend to keep working with you. I'm not intending on kicking you out of therapy."

I'm sorry you're hurting! I can imagine and relate a little bit.

T's shouldn't make promises. My T has never made a promise, but last months she sort of did. It was about her being late. She said she would promise to try to be on time for my sessions. I didn't like that. T's should be on time for their appointments. Also, I don't like promises. This was only about that she would try, but still.

I also didn't thought she would be pregnant this year. She would start with a new study, and she has only just started working at this agency. So I thought that if she would want another baby, then she would do that after her study.

I was very afraid that my T would send me away to another T. Still am. We've talked about that more than once this past year. She said she won't send me away unless she would think I needed help she can't offer me. It's not a promise or something.
But now she's going to send me away.
All those times in the past months that I've talked about being afraid to lose her, she just knew it was going to happen in a few months.
It just feels like... some kind of betrayal/lying.

[Lauliza]

I'm sorry you're going through this and understand how it can feel like a betrayal. However, one thing to keep in mind is the likelihood that your T did not plan this pregnancy. She's known for a few months but she may have only found out herself a few months ago. Many professional women often try to plan when to have their children carefully, but things happen - a lot. On top of that, there are a multitude of reasons why some women wouldn't know they were pregnant until a couple of months in months in. It sounds kind of dumb or odd, but everyone's circumstances are different and this can be the case for the most intelligent or self aware women. It's definitely not as unusual as some people think. I might be totally wrong but it's something to keep in mind when you're feeling hurt or betrayed.

[Chummy]

Originally Posted by Lauliza

I'm sorry you're going through this and understand how it can feel like a betrayal. However, one thing to keep in mind is the likelihood that your T did not plan this pregnancy. She's known for a few months but she may have only found out herself a few months ago. Many professional women often try to plan when to have their children carefully, but things happen - a lot. On top of that, there are a multitude of reasons why some women wouldn't know they were pregnant until a couple of months in months in. It sounds kind of dumb or odd, but everyone's circumstances are different and this can be the case for the most intelligent or self aware women. It's definitely not as unusual as some people think. I might be totally wrong but it's something to keep in mind when you're feeling hurt or betrayed.

It could be. Though I think my T would be smarter and didn't get pregnant on accident. She already has a two year old. And she's 6 months pregnant. She has already taken care of when her leave is. She's very slim and always had a flat belly. So I think she has known for months if she didn't plan to get pregnant. She said she has already seen clients look at her belly (like me). She thought that was funny, clients look at her belly, thinking, but they seem to not know whether to ask her about it.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

My current T I started seeing when I was 16. She got pregnant the first time and I felt the same way you do. It hurt and she was gone on maternity leave for so long. I waited for her though. Then we worked together for a few months and she developed a serious health issue and was in the hospital for a month and out of work for 9 months. That was hard. I refused to see anyone else because I only want my T. Then when she came back from her medical leave she was pregnant again a couple months later. I was devastated that we would have yet another break. I quit therapy for a few years. I started seeing her again a little less than two years ago and it was one of the best choices I have made.

Your feelings are normal and you can see her when she comes back from her maternity leave if you want. Its worth it if you like her and you like working with her. I also think you should talk to her about all of your feelings right now and process them together. Maybe she can help you with your anxiety and feeling so alone. I wish you the best and good luck.

[Partless]

Originally Posted by Chummy

But that's the thing, I would only want a girl, no boy, absolutely no boy.

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through and your T being pregnant. May I ask, however, why you would not want a boy?

[Chummy]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

My current T I started seeing when I was 16. She got pregnant the first time and I felt the same way you do. It hurt and she was gone on maternity leave for so long. I waited for her though. Then we worked together for a few months and she developed a serious health issue and was in the hospital for a month and out of work for 9 months. That was hard. I refused to see anyone else because I only want my T. Then when she came back from her medical leave she was pregnant again a couple months later. I was devastated that we would have yet another break. I quit therapy for a few years. I started seeing her again a little less than two years ago and it was one of the best choices I have made.

Your feelings are normal and you can see her when she comes back from her maternity leave if you want. Its worth it if you like her and you like working with her. I also think you should talk to her about all of your feelings right now and process them together. Maybe she can help you with your anxiety and feeling so alone. I wish you the best and good luck.

Three long breaks, wow, that must be so hard.

The first time my T got pregnant, now about 2,5 years ago, I wasn't this hurt. I was a bit jealous, not because she was pregnant, but because she has a good life and people who love her and I felt so lonely. I didn't really had much people around me. That time I saw her for social anxiety and I was doing better, so I decided to quit.

I started seeing her a year ago because of a severe depression. I only started feeling a bit less bad since two months, but I think it's also because of meds. I think if I would go without therapy I will get a relapse. I'm still far from being ok. In my country a maternity leave is 4 months. And since her ends in the summer, she might also use her vacationdays. I don't know when (if?) she comes back. I was too shocked, I forgot to ask.
I know I can't go on for months without seeing anyone. But I don't want a new T. It would take me so long to open up to someone. It might not even help me because I don't have a connection with that new T and I don't trust that new T. That takes time.

But I have some exams in April and if I pass those, then I'll start college in September. I haven't been to a real school for so many years. School cause me the most anxiety. I'll need someone who can help me with that anxiety. My current T has been the one T who understood my anxiety and knew how to help me.
I don't know how I'll get through it all.

I probably should share all my feelings. But that scares me so much. What if she think I'm being unreasonable, selfish, too dependent on her?
I'm scared for what she thinks, but I'm already going to lose her, so actually it doesn't matter what I say. I can't lose her because of that, because I'm already going to lose her.

Some part of me wants to quit her, to not see her after she somes back, because she leaves me when I need her the most.

But thank you

[Chummy]

Originally Posted by Partless

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through and your T being pregnant. May I ask, however, why you would not want a boy?

I like girls more. I have a brother and he has been such an asshole. Growing up there were many boys who were jerks. It made me not want boys for kids. I sometimes babysit on the kids of my cousin and I think they're nice, but I still wouldn't want boys.
But I might don't want kids at all. Or I might adopt. Right now I don't feel the desire to get a kid.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by Chummy

Three long breaks, wow, that must be so hard.



I probably should share all my feelings. But that scares me so much. What if she think I'm being unreasonable, selfish, too dependent on her?
I'm scared for what she thinks, but I'm already going to lose her, so actually it doesn't matter what I say. I can't lose her because of that, because I'm already going to lose her.

Some part of me wants to quit her, to not see her after she somes back, because she leaves me when I need her the most.

But thank you

Even though it isn't easy, I would still share your feelings with your T. Feelings are just that - they are not your actions, so I really doubt she'd be anything but understanding. She can't be of much use to you in the next few months if she doesn't know the true extent of your distress or anxiety.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by Chummy

Three long breaks, wow, that must be so hard.

The first time my T got pregnant, now about 2,5 years ago, I wasn't this hurt. I was a bit jealous, not because she was pregnant, but because she has a good life and people who love her and I felt so lonely. I didn't really had much people around me. That time I saw her for social anxiety and I was doing better, so I decided to quit.

I started seeing her a year ago because of a severe depression. I only started feeling a bit less bad since two months, but I think it's also because of meds. I think if I would go without therapy I will get a relapse. I'm still far from being ok. In my country a maternity leave is 4 months. And since her ends in the summer, she might also use her vacationdays. I don't know when (if?) she comes back. I was too shocked, I forgot to ask.
I know I can't go on for months without seeing anyone. But I don't want a new T. It would take me so long to open up to someone. It might not even help me because I don't have a connection with that new T and I don't trust that new T. That takes time.

But I have some exams in April and if I pass those, then I'll start college in September. I haven't been to a real school for so many years. School cause me the most anxiety. I'll need someone who can help me with that anxiety. My current T has been the one T who understood my anxiety and knew how to help me.
I don't know how I'll get through it all.

I probably should share all my feelings. But that scares me so much. What if she think I'm being unreasonable, selfish, too dependent on her?
I'm scared for what she thinks, but I'm already going to lose her, so actually it doesn't matter what I say. I can't lose her because of that, because I'm already going to lose her.

Some part of me wants to quit her, to not see her after she somes back, because she leaves me when I need her the most.

But thank you

I think what would help you get through it is to tell your T everything you have said in your thread here. You could write it down or print it out and read it to her. She can't help you unless you tell her exactly how you feel and about your anxiety. I really hope you can talk to her and she can help you with this transition.

[kecanoe]

Originally Posted by Chummy

I know it's her right. And I'm happy for her that she's hetting another daughter. I'm just angry about how she has handled things.
She would start a new study this year, so I thought she she wouldn't be pregnant this year.
If I would have known that she was planning to have a leave in the following year, I might have decided to not start therapy with her, but I would have looked for another T. A T doesn't have to tell her clients if she's planning to get pregnant, but she could inform them that maybe she would have a leave in the following year. She doesn't have to say the reason for that. It's could be a long vacation, so.
Also, somewhere during the summer months I was doubting if I should stay with this T or if it might be better to try a new one, fresh eyes and such. But then I thought it would be running away and I should think rationally. I should have listened to my instict/guts. I should have left when I could. Now I'm all attachted and everything.

My T knows I'm scared to lose her as a T before I'm ready to quit therapy. Somewhere in the first few months I've talked about how scared I am that she going to send me away to another T. We even talked about this a few weeks ago. We talked about that I'm afraid to lose her, that I don't want to stop seeing her before I'm done with therapy, before I'm ready.
So she gave me a few options to think about. I could see someone else when she goes on leave. But she knows my history with T's. She knows how I think about T's. I've talked about that often. I've even mentioned it a few weeks ago.

And the she just drop this bombshell at the end of the session, just before the weekend. And I'm now left to myself dealing with this news. She should have known better. She should have handled it differently.
I'm a bit angry and dissappointed about that.

Telling you on the way out was definitely not ok. I would also be very upset about that.

[Chummy]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

I think what would help you get through it is to tell your T everything you have said in your thread here. You could write it down or print it out and read it to her. She can't help you unless you tell her exactly how you feel and about your anxiety. I really hope you can talk to her and she can help you with this transition.

I will write some of it down. That easier for me and then we can talk about it. If I do't say anything, then it could bother me a long time. And I've nothing to lose anyway, so why stay quiet.

[Chummy]

Originally Posted by kecanoe

Telling you on the way out was definitely not ok. I would also be very upset about that.

Maybe most of her clients wouldn't been bothered or upset by that. She has only been working at that place for about 7 months, so they don't know her that long. I've been with her much longer. And not everyone gets attached to their T. Not everyone is as lonely as me.
But my T knows how I think about her. She knows I'm afraid to lose her before I'm done with therapy. So I don't understand why she just told me this at the end. She couldn't just have thought it wouldn't upset me. Or does pregnancy make you stupid?