[ScarletPimpernel]

I had group therapy yesterday. The start of group was a check-in. There were 3 other members there. Mainly one of them was talking over everyone. When it came to my turn, I decided I would finally speak up in the moment and I said "I feel cut off by group members some of the time". The main person who was doing it, broke down crying. I really didn't mean for it to be personal against her. I know she was having a bad day. But I was feeling cut off by her and others. I apologized, but the T had me keep talking about how I felt. So the person put on her sunglasses, wrapped herself in her jacket and sat there in silence for 20mins. Then she interrupted the T and said she had something to say. She went on to attack me saying she's not sorry for how I feel, it's my fault I felt cut off because I could have chosen to talk over, it's not her fault she uses her voice and I don't, etc. It was horrible. And just 30mins earlier I was telling the group how I've been in a state of depression for 2 months, can barely stay awake, and am having hopelessness thoughts.

The T did stand up for me and even told her she was coming across as attacking. But he let me leave crying. Thankfully, the other two members were leaving when I left and they comforted me and calmed me down enough so I was safe to go home. They told me to give the person some grace because she really had been suffering a lot lately. And I agree, but I shouldn't have to fear my safety. What if those 2 members didn't leave at the same time? What if they didn't stop to help? I was in a really bad state afterwards.

I don't know what to do now. Go back to group? Forgive and hope it doesn't happen again? Idk. I don't want to be attacked again.

[IrisBloom]

I would think if someone is causing disruption and attacking others in the group they would have to leave the group. That certainly is not what you are going for. Maybe you should let someone in authority know about this. You should not be leaving crying due to what someone else says to or about you.

[TishaBuv]

Well that doesn't sound like it was productive.

My mom and sister don't stop talking and talk over me when I try to have a conversation and I hate it. They both only started doing it over the last year or so and I don't know what caused it. I just hardly ever say anything except "uh huh" and know that they don't want to listen to anything I say anyway. It's not a conversation. It's someone talking AT you.

If I had to contend with that in a support group, I don't think I'd go back.

I'd be hurt, too, that the therapist let you leave crying and understand about how you felt about having to leave together with the woman who you felt attacked by.

It's an easy thing to forgive and let go if you want to go back to the group, though. Not a big deal. But does she do this talking over everybody thing all the time?

[Argonautomobile]

Ugh. I think you're brave to go to group. This is exactly the sort of drama that makes me crawl back under my rock at the mention of the words "group therapy."

I should be kinder--"Drama" is a pretty dismissive way to describe someone else's pain, but still...I couldn't do it, personally.

Is this group helping you? It seems like you've had an awful lot of trouble with it, from other group members to the group T. If it's helping, or if you think it would be beneficial to work through these problems, I'd say keep chugging through.

If not, drop it. Your primary T said you were free to, right?

[NowhereUSA]

WTF?!

That would never have been tolerated in my group - the facilitators would have brought the other person into line for interrupting and then if there was a conflict, they would have handled it privately.

I'm so irritated that this group isn't run properly. Like not just irritated but furious.

I wish you could go to a proper DBT group I'm sorry SP. It sounds like it was awful.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Yeah. My individual T will let me do whatever I want to. She'd prefer it if I talked it over with her though.

Is the group helpful? Well...yes and no. Last night, when the two members helped me, that was helpful. Having a place scheduled to go to once a week is helpful. I like the group T...some times. I like the 2 helpful members. I like the location, price, day/time.

I just want to feel safe. I mean, she is sort of right that it's my fault I don't speak up. But still, I didn't deserve to be attacked.

I could talk to my T's boss...

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by NowhereUSA

WTF?!

That would never have been tolerated in my group - the facilitators would have brought the other person into line for interrupting and then if there was a conflict, they would have handled it privately.

I'm so irritated that this group isn't run properly. Like not just irritated but furious.

I wish you could go to a proper DBT group I'm sorry SP. It sounds like it was awful.

I wish I could too.

Remember that her reaction was more about her than it was about you. Remember that while she went off on you because of her own issues, other members were quite supportive and helpful.

That's the stuff of life. Realizing that it isn't all completely black and white, people come in varieties. People react more out of their own issues than out of really meaning to attack you. We don't have to own other people's issues.

The therapist stepped in and spoke to her about her behavior, and I suspect the other individual may have learned a bit herself in the process. One can hope anyway.

[Chummy]

That's horrible!. I've been in group therapy and I've also been attacked be groupmembers. Most of the time we were with 10 people and 1 or 2 T's. The whole year there was always 2 or 3 persons who were like the loudest of the group. And many times they had something to say to one of the others in the group. And it wasn't something helpful, but more something they were annoyed by. I was one of the quitest of the group, but was one the reasons I needed therapy. I had social anxiety and the group knew that. And some could be so mean to me and really attack me. It made me feel so bad and I got even more afraid of talking.

I don't know what you can do. Maybe talk to your T about this? What those two group members said, I don't agree with them. You don't have to put up with her behaviour just because she's been having a hard time lately. Everyone in group has, otherwise you wouldn't be in therapy.

I hope next session will go better for you. And try to not let what she says get to you. I know that's very hard. But it says more about what she's for a person, than about you.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by NowhereUSA

WTF?!

That would never have been tolerated in my group - the facilitators would have brought the other person into line for interrupting and then if there was a conflict, they would have handled it privately.

I'm so irritated that this group isn't run properly. Like not just irritated but furious.

I wish you could go to a proper DBT group I'm sorry SP. It sounds like it was awful.

I second this. A good DBT group leader would not have let that happen. Unfortunately there are far to many DBT groups run by people who are not properly trained. So sorry you had to through this.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Well, both my Ts think it was a good thing. It taught me that I can survive conflict. Yay for leasons! What that member did still isn't okay. My individual T wants me to go back to group next week and confront her again! And wants me to try to get a feeling of the situation being resolved (if it can be). Oh joy...

This is why I'm scared of people.

[Nammu]

Her behavior was not ok, and confronting that is right. Just remember she may not be in a place to own her behavior, I hope that you can be accept if she doesn't own her behavior, its on her to own it.

To me from my own experience. There is no therapy to be had in group. It's the opposite if what good therapy should be. 'Safe & secure, and confidential. Took good therapy for me to realise that.

[nicoleb2]

I had that happen in a dbt group. I walked out of the room bawling, one of the t's found me and made sure I was ok.
My t also encouraged me to return to group so the other person didn't have any power over me.
It was hard to return but I did, the group therapist again talked about it with the group and it never happened again

I hope you can go back and feel better about it

[Mygrandjourney]

I'd be surprised if she returned to the group after what she did. She may be embarrassed about it.

[divine1966]

So sorry. It's unacceptable

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[ScarletPimpernel]

Update:

I was kicked from group. Seriously.

So my individual T told me that if I feel the situation was unresolved, then it was unresolved. She wanted me to confront the member again this week in group. My homework assignment was to email her what I wanted to say to the member who verbally attacked me to try to resolve the situation.

I emailed my group T about this. He emailed me back saying no because he didn't want it to become the focus of the group and we had other things to discuss. So I called his superior and left her a msg. She called right back. I told her the situation. She said if group T said no, then no. I asked her how was if fair that I was verbally attacked for 20mins and now I'm not allowed to address this in group. She said that since I felt unsafe (I never said that), I should find another group. So I hung up on her. I got a msg back from her saying she'll let my group T know I will no longet be a part of group. I sent my group T an email informing him of what his superior did. He sent me referrals!

[growlycat]

I am so sorry to read this!! This is a HUGE reason I hate group therapy. There is always one person who "sucks the air out of the room" like the person you describe. They act entitled to all of the group's attention but never seem to give in return! Hugs Scarlet!

[guilloche]

Oh whoa.... Scarlet, I am so sorry. That is completely nuts. I'm honestly a little speechless...

Sorry it went that way, but perhaps it's for the best.

I've been in groups that have helped and others that have hurt.

You keep looking until you find one that is helpful.

I think part of the group dynamic is to help us learn how to interact with others in real life because of stuff just like this.

I had an angry guy go off at me in the office back over the summer and it felt as if I had evaporated off the face of the earth. I simply walked away and when I'd recollected myself I spoke with a supervisor that had witnessed it, and asked him to relay to this person that speaking to me in that manner was not okay and that if he did it again we'd go to human resources about hostile work environments.

I told the supervisor I felt like a chicken for not being able to do that myself, but he told me I handled it perfectly because walking away defused the situation and I was able to respond from a rational rather than reactionary space.

He also passed my message along verbatim, and Mr. Angry Pants has been keeping it in check around me and good thing for him because if he ever does it again, he'll find out real quick that I ain't bluffin'!

That is not something I would have been able to do were it not for some of the group experiences I've had ... So don't you throw that baby out with the bathwater ... Keep searching until you find a group that is a good fit and you too will learn how and when to stand up for yourself and also when it is best to simply walk away.

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

I am starting group therapy soon. Reading this has kind of put me off.

[growlycat]

A good T leader can make all the difference. A good T leader will set boundaries or at least encourage the group to correct such bad behavior . Too many group T's are abject cowards who let the most dysfunctional person run the circus.

I so get this!!! This nails it for my why group is a turnoff for me. But there must be good ones out there too?

[DelusionsDaily]

Scarlet thats a load of crap. Honestly it sounds poorly run. You should get to speak your voice. I'm sorry you're being shut out of group now. I hope you can find other supports to replace it. I know I can typically be very quiet and sometimes people dont know how to respond when I speak up or want to.

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Originally Posted by Pfrog

Sorry it went that way, but perhaps it's for the best.

I've been in groups that have helped and others that have hurt.

You keep looking until you find one that is helpful.

I think part of the group dynamic is to help us learn how to interact with others in real life because of stuff just like this.

I had an angry guy go off at me in the office back over the summer and it felt as if I had evaporated off the face of the earth. I walked away and when I'd recollected myself I spoke with a supervisor that had witnessed it, and asked him to relay to this person that speaking to me in that manner was not okay and that if he did it again we'd go to human resources about hostile work environments.

I told the supervisor I felt like a chicken for not being able to do that myself, but he told me I handled it perfectly because walking away defused the situation and I was able to respond from a rational rather than reactionary space.

He also passed my message along verbatim, and Mr. Angry Pants has been keeping it in check around me and good thing for him because if he ever does it again, he'll find out real quick that I ain't bluffin'!

That is not something I would have been able to do were it not for some of the group experiences I've had ... So don't you throw that baby out with the bathwater ... Keep searching until you find a group that is a good fit and you too will learn how and when to stand up for yourself and also when it is best to simply walk away.

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

A woman at my old job did this and reduced me to tears. Unlike your manager, mine told me I should "toughen up". I thought 'I don't have to toughen up, you have to do your f***ing job and deal with her'. And actually Scarlet, that's exacty what your group T should have done too. He and his supervisor have mishandled it, and essentially punished the person who was mistreated in the first place.
Saying that you had said you don't want to be in the group is complete avoidance of their responsibility to help resolve conflict. I know you've had problems with this group T before Scarlet. I hope you can find a group situation more healing and helpful for you.

[healingme4me]

Was there an actual threat made because you expressed yourself? Could be interesting to explore in individual therapy why you fear physical repercussions for asserting yourself?

She sounds like a piece of work, crying with sunglasses for being called out on attention seeking behavior cause/effect. Basically while she's front and center, everyone elses feelings are ignored and unaddressed.

Confrontation can feel unsettling and uncomfortable at first, but it gets better the more you learn to assert yourself and address your own needs.

:

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

but I shouldn't have to fear my safety. What if those 2 members didn't leave at the same time? What if they didn't stop to help? I was in a really bad state afterwards.

I don't know what to do now. Go back to group? Forgive and hope it doesn't happen again? Idk. I don't want to be attacked again.

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