[SarahSweden]

I have started therapy with a new T, we have seen each other for four times now. I´m already disappointed with her as I feel she "over-validates" me by almost all the time answering me by telling something about some other client having a similar problem or saying things like "there are many more than you think with that kind of problem".

I understand she wants me to feel less lonely in having the problems I have but that´s not what I see her for. I feel very disappointed about this and I hope it will change as we at the moment are more planning for a therapy than actually doing therapy.

But it still makes me uneasy as she´s the only T within that clinic and I´ve already waited for many months to see this T. I don´t have the money to search for a new T in a private practise so that´s out of the question.

Has anyone else experienced being "over-validated". What did you do/say?

[luvnola]

Yes. I told her it wasn't helpful. She still does it from time to time, and I remind her that it feels more invalidating than helpful.

[RedSun]

I'd experience that as under validation personally. For me, it would take away some of my process, or perhaps make me feel that I shouldn't be sharing that issue because others have it worse.
I think it's a fair point to bring up with your T, that's it's not helpful to bring in comparisons to your therapy space.

[SarahSweden]

I agree to this but the thing is that she´s the only T in this clinic and I have noone else to turn to. I´m afraid she´ll "kick" me out if I at this early stage shows her I´m disappointed.

It isn't about disappointment. Just talk to her and explain how it feels. You have to communicate.

[SarahSweden]

The thing is that she knows I had a T I really appreciated (although I later on got terminated but that´s another story) and this new T meant that it´s then easier to get disappointed. They have very limited resources at this clinic as it´s within the public health care and because of that I feel you have to be grateful and not complain too much. But at the same time of course I don´t want to attend sessions and then just leave feeling it hasn´t given me something. It´s a dilemma.

Originally Posted by lolagrace

It isn't about disappointment. Just talk to her and explain how it feels. You have to communicate.

[atisketatasket]

Can't you phrase it as a suggestion? "I think I would find it more helpful if you did/didn't react this way, could we try doing it this way instead?" I don't see why you have to come across as disappointed if you phrase any suggestions constructively.

[JaneTennison1]

I ask rather than tell "please don't do x, right now it makes me feel Y" and she respects that.

[unaluna]

This sounds like what i was recently going through with my t. I wanted to cut down my sessions from 3 to 2 times a week. He said, "well, we had an agreement. We will have to talk about it." Actually he said the same thing when i wanted to cut down from 4 times a week. I was afraid if i didnt hold to the agreement of 4 times, that he would cut me off completely. But he says that is not what he meant. I told him, that is what i heard. He said, that is your parents voice, not mine. I was too afraid even to discuss it with him. It is truly transference, this fear.

[Walking Man]

For the most part I don't like it when I'm telling someone about a difficulty I'm having and they say, "everybody feels that way." It tends to make me feel like they are dismissing my feelings, or telling me I shouldn't be upset. On the other hand, at times it is nice to know you are normal and not alone.

My T seems to think I exaggerate my social difficulties. She says, " everyone feels that way", even though most people obviously do not feel the way I do. That's very frustrating.

Unfortunately, that style would have had me feeling invalidated when I was in therapy.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

"there are many more than you think with that kind of problem" There probably are. Is this 'over-validation' a reaction to not being thought of as unique? We are each unique and yet not that dissimilar from others, variations on a theme if you like. Of course we would like to be complete unique. On the other hand if others feel as we do there is some comfort in that.

Something to explore with your T perhaps?

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

I´m already disappointed with her as I feel she "over-validates" me by almost all the time answering me by telling something about some other client having a similar problem or saying things like "there are many more than you think with that kind of problem".

My take on this issue is a little different. My T has both said these exact kind of things, sometimes they irritate me, sometimes they don't, but I notice that I have all kinds of negative reactions (from time to time, not constantly, and I've seen her for 5 years) to not only what she says, but what other people in my life say. Especially my wife, who is amazingly supportive and fascinating most of the time.

But for me I have found that trying to change what people say-- even T's, although they can be better at it than others-- is really not very useful to me. Instead I've shifted to thinking about my own reaction and understanding that better. The result of this is I am more accepting of what people have to offer me (verbally) and this has opened up my world and opened up my relationships to new places. So one way to have this conversation with your T is:

"So, T, I have noticed a couple of times that when you say "XYZ" I have this negative feeling of [irritation, anger, whatever] and I'm curious about what that's about for me. Can you help me explore this and make sense of it?"

I think that framing any issue you have with a person as your reaction (as in you owning it) as opposed to pointing your finger and saying "you do this wrong" almost always results in a better conversation. And at least for me, I in the past have tended to label things I don't like as the other person's problem, not mine. Please note that I would excuse from this analysis anything that is abusive. But most of the stuff people say, including T, is not really the problem. It's that I have a negative reaction to something that isn't negative per se, but it impacts me that way.

But I'm trying to become more open as a person. I have a long history of CSA and most of the result of that was to close myself off as an adult, to pretend to be something other than me, and (later) to try to control what everyone said and did around me. And while I've had a certain amount of success asking people to do and say differently -- for them to change because I've asked them to, it's worked better for me to change my perspective that most of the things that bother me are really mine to work out, not to ask the other person to change. Because trying to change other people rarely works. Your loved ones will often try--- like there is nobody who knows me who tries to sneak up behind me and "surprise" me anymore-- not even my own children. It used to bother me when my T would wave her hands around too vigorously, and I noted that it made me kind of dissociative. She offered to sit on them and I was like, that's really nice of you but you don't need to sit on your hands for me. I want to feel more comfortable with you flailing your hands about. I know you're not trying to hit me or otherwise mess with me, so this is my issue to deal with.

[Bipolar Warrior]

I am in the same boat as many others in that I often find such statements invalidating. For example, my mother likes to compare me to others, pointing out how much better they are coping. And when I am experiencing a mood swing, she tells me that "everyone feels like that sometimes". How? How does EVERYONE feel like that?! Does everyone feel on edge for several days, thoughts spinning and things flying unfiltered out of their mouths? Or extreme irritability combined with an inability to sit still? And does everyone plummet into depression after such a period? No. To the best of my knowledge, they do not.

You'll have to resist the urge to go, "Fy faen, hold kjeft!" should it arise. :P

Originally Posted by ListenMoreTalkLess

My take on this issue is a little different. My T has both said these exact kind of things, sometimes they irritate me, sometimes they don't, but I notice that I have all kinds of negative reactions (from time to time, not constantly, and I've seen her for 5 years) to not only what she says, but what other people in my life say. Especially my wife, who is amazingly supportive and fascinating most of the time.

But for me I have found that trying to change what people say-- even T's, although they can be better at it than others-- is really not very useful to me. Instead I've shifted to thinking about my own reaction and understanding that better. The result of this is I am more accepting of what people have to offer me (verbally) and this has opened up my world and opened up my relationships to new places. So one way to have this conversation with your T is:

"So, T, I have noticed a couple of times that when you say "XYZ" I have this negative feeling of [irritation, anger, whatever] and I'm curious about what that's about for me. Can you help me explore this and make sense of it?"

I think that framing any issue you have with a person as your reaction (as in you owning it) as opposed to pointing your finger and saying "you do this wrong" almost always results in a better conversation. And at least for me, I in the past have tended to label things I don't like as the other person's problem, not mine. Please note that I would excuse from this analysis anything that is abusive. But most of the stuff people say, including T, is not really the problem. It's that I have a negative reaction to something that isn't negative per se, but it impacts me that way.

But I'm trying to become more open as a person. I have a long history of CSA and most of the result of that was to close myself off as an adult, to pretend to be something other than me, and (later) to try to control what everyone said and did around me. And while I've had a certain amount of success asking people to do and say differently -- for them to change because I've asked them to, it's worked better for me to change my perspective that most of the things that bother me are really mine to work out, not to ask the other person to change. Because trying to change other people rarely works. Your loved ones will often try--- like there is nobody who knows me who tries to sneak up behind me and "surprise" me anymore-- not even my own children. It used to bother me when my T would wave her hands around too vigorously, and I noted that it made me kind of dissociative. She offered to sit on them and I was like, that's really nice of you but you don't need to sit on your hands for me. I want to feel more comfortable with you flailing your hands about. I know you're not trying to hit me or otherwise mess with me, so this is my issue to deal with.

I think this is among the best posts I've read on this forum. I had come to a similar conclusion this week myself about my therapy. My T did something that triggered me last week, and I realised that she doesn't need to change what she does, what needs to happen is that I need to talk about my feelings.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

I have started therapy with a new T, we have seen each other for four times now. I´m already disappointed with her as I feel she "over-validates" me by almost all the time answering me by telling something about some other client having a similar problem or saying things like "there are many more than you think with that kind of problem".

I wouldn't experience that as validation. Quite the reverse in fact.

Also, T should be very cautious about mentioning other patients in any context.

[Christopher1990]

It should be focused on you! That is unprofessional to talk about oher clients and comparing your case to theirs. Everybody is completely different. I'm sorry you have trouble getting a good one I know it can be tough. And I just got a new one outside of practice that takes my insurance. So far so good

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