[naia]

Just when I didn't things could get worse, they did. My partner totaled his car last night. My T told me that proves he is not competent, which would mean I would take over I guess. It's not that simple. He has a nutty family, who all hate me, think I'm abusing him when it's the other way around. I don't want him to tell them about the car cuz then they will try to take away his license. They aren't around, not helping, which means I'd have to do even more than I'm doing now.

On the other hand, if he is unsafe then it's wrong to let him drive, but then I'm stuck having to drive him. And he said last night that if he lost his license, he did not want to go on.

I do have legal benefits and could hold his doctor accountable since she gave him really strong sleeping pills that made him so groggy he slept till the afternoon. It's probably why he got into the accident. She also hates me, is a big wig, but my T has shared patients and she is completely bad, like seriously bad. She's also not a shrink so shouldn't have given him psych meds. She also promised to give him a psych eval and MRI, which she didn't. If she had, he may have gotten proper treatment and this whole mess would have been avoided.

He could have died or killed someone. This is serious. There are even more things, but that is long already. Too many things. Hard to sort out.

[ruh roh]

The whole scene sounds dangerous and unhealthy. Maybe talk to your therapist about options that don't include risking people's lives or being your partner's driver and minder.

If your partner is on meds that make him too groggy to drive, then he definitely is unsafe, at least on those particular meds. Sounds like it is time to get him to a different doctor immediately so his meds can truly be assessed and adjusted. That might go a long way to getting him to a place where he is safe to drive.

My husband went through a phase of being too groggy to drive and he was definitely unsafe. Fortunately, his doctors have worked to find him med combinations for his pain that don't have that severe an effect, but he still doesn't drive much anymore. He just worries he'll find himself in that kind of situation and doesn't want to put anyone else's life at risk. I get up and drive him into work at 4AM each and every morning, and my son goes to pick him up. He's fine for short trips around town, etc., but work is a 30 mile trip, and he would rather not put others at risk. Yes, it is a burden to have to drive him, but I'd rather have him alive, safe, and comfortable. It's just part of being a family as far as we see it.

[naia]

I did contact my T last night. He has his own emergency so has cut back hours, usually doesn't take calls anymore. He has been concerned and advised me to keep a stash of cash for a hotel due to the abuse, but I don't really have that. Also he said that this helps me form a case, which was denied, about my need to move out. All the cops said I should, but they never filed reports so my claim for funds for relocation and DV therapy were said to not have any evidence. Since there is no real evidence, I can't do what would be the best: move out and get a nurse or someone in here to take care of things.

As it is, with his family not helping, there is no one else to do anything. I still care about him, have been with him a long time, can't just up and leave.

Just talked to the yard where the car was towed. They won't let me in without a letter from my spouse who is asleep and will probably be asleep till late. The guy was a jerk, told me they were closed when the website says they are open. Then I asked how much it costs to have the car there. He said he'd have to look at the paperwork, but there was a gate fee of 97.50. I said, you mean it costs a hundred dollars just to get to the car to get his hearing aids? He said, I didn't say it cost a hundred dollars. I said, well, you said...and the jerk interrupted and said, 97.50 is not 100! I hung up. Can't people at least be decent and understanding?

I wish I had therapy today. I need it. I'm so tired of everything. And people who act like jerks for no reason. I bet if I were a guy, he would have been respectful. I know more about cars than my spouse, can change oil, tires, etc. I do all the work on the house. Totally sucks.

Do I have to take on a fancy doctor, the police department, the District Attorney, and now the towing company? Ugh!

Ugh. I didn't realize you are dealing with DV with your partner on top of all of this. It still seems like the first thing that may need to happen is to find a different doctor to work out his meds if this is primarily a med sedation issue; that can be worked out.

Write a letter giving you permission to get to the car and wake your partner up long enough to get him to sign it. Towing companies are such a racket. If the insurance company totals it, just leave it up to the insurance company to dispose of it and take care of the fees, but I understand the need to get the hearing aids. Last car we totalled we never did get all of our stuff out of the car but none of it was as expensive as hearing aids either.

You probably won't get anywhere in taking on the doctor. Most likely the prescription was marked for sedation which pretty much means if your partner drove when the warning was on the script, that responsibility sits on his shoulders. Just find a different doctor to work with from here on out.

[naia]

Thanks for understanding and giving good advice. He's fast asleep so I don't have a real chance of waking him, not right now.

The doctor actually did dump him when I wrote her to say that her changing the POLST (the medical decisions document) was not legal, following the advice of my T, who is an MD and taught medical ethics, took out time to call colleagues and the local director of hospice, which I forward to the doctor. Instead of just changing the POLST back into my name, she dumped him. Only someone with something to hide or past unethical history would be so reactive.

The doctor I see also knows his doctor and has heard nothing but negative things. He advised me to take legal action. That dumping an old man is unethical and possibly illegal.

She is not a shrink so doesn't know anything about psych meds. In fact, I'm the one who was making changes, which she followed, like getting him off Ambien, which is terrible for seniors. I suggested trazadone, lunesta, melatonin, even benadryl. Nothing worked. He was not sleeping at all. For like months!

I have written a certified letter to her with a list of all the issues, including abuse, but all the other ones because according to my T that qualifies him for services. His fancy doctor ignored it. She charges a flat fee of more that 5k when she's gone for months at a time, even when he is hospitalized, delirious, delusional, and nearly died. She's in it for the money.

This med is just a strong version of Remeron. He takes it at night but still doesn't sleep. the accident was in the evening, long after he took it so I'm not sure that it is his fault. He is taking it as prescribed, had not been drinking (another issue the doc won't address), and had had some coffee before he drove. It's not really his fault if the doctor prescribed something that is too strong, has side-effects, and probably interacts with the tons of meds he's on, is it?

He does have a new doctor, but he won't see her till later. That is yet another complication. This new doctor was my own when my spouse attacked me drunk and on Ambien so he doesn't remember. I had serious knee sprains, needed a total knee replacement. When I went to her because she's a mandated reporter, she made me wait till after she saw all her patients only to tell me that she refused to file a police report.

Because once again there was no police report and he did not remember what he did, I got accused of elder abuse, went to a women's shelter where they refused to help me, so ended up in court on crutches defending myself and got move out orders. Such is justice.

Don't get me wrong; I don't think it was his fault. I just suspect it will be construed that way.

I'm not familiar with a POLST. Can you explain? Do you have power of attorney over his medical decisions?

[ruh roh]

I've never taken a pych med that didn't caution against driving or operating heavy machinery. When someone puts others in harm's way, and doesn't take any responsibility for it at all, I have a hard time seeing them as a victim. Sorry. History of dv here. I recognize the chaos and finger pointing.

If your therapist doesn't have time for you, can they suggest someone else to help you get out of this situation?

[naia]

The cop at the scene did not seem to think so, but I only have a case number. The stupid people at the towing yard wouldn't let me in. Threatened to call the police on me for trespassing cuz they wanted a photo of his driver's license, which of course they didn't tell me. Great.

I do have power of attorney, and think I'm going to use it. There may be no other way but legal at this point, which I've tried to avoid.

A POLST is a legal, medical document often for end of life care or in emergencies. It says who gets to be in charge. His fancy doctor and daughter changed it without his permission. He didn't even know it was changed. They can't change this without his consent, usually written but at least verbal. What they did, according to my T, was illegal.

But because the doctor freaked out when I said so and dumped him, the document still reads that his daughter is the first person, then his other even worse daughter. If he had gotten injured last night, I would have not really been able to do anything. The one daughter drinks at night and works long hours. The other daughter is a flake, was living in her car, works far away, and almost depends upon my spouse for money that he doesn't really have.

He does have a nice grandson, but he lives even farther away, has money, but is never around.

I contacted my spouse's T, who has been understanding and is sorta friends with my own T. She is worried, may step in. Not sure.

[naia]

I have seen another T, supposedly paid for due to DV, but like I said, the cops made no reports so my claim was denied. I had to stop.

I guess it may sound like finger pointing. That's not what I really mean. The doctor is not a shrink so does not know what she is doing, has a long history of this, and did not inform him of what the med is, the side effects, etc.

I'm not saying he is a victim in the sense that he didn't cause the accident. I'm saying he is a victim of malpractice. At his age, things need to be gone over more carefully, explained, and checked against all the other meds. This doctor did nothing like that.

It is an anti-depressant so not a typical sleep med. And it is brand new to him so I don't think there was any way for him to know how it would affect him. That is a doctor's job, not a patient's.

He does not have a shrink who knows about these things and is careful to prescribe the right meds in the right doses, explain the side effects, make sure it doesn't interact with other things, all the stuff a P-doc would normally do.

Age plays a factor. I don't think it's okay to take advantage of an old man, charge him so much for such bad care. There is decline even in the healthiest people. In his case, the decline has increased fast since he had a blood clot that almost killed him and may have affected his brain. That is why I asked for an MRI or whatever test to see if his brain was affected. The fancy doc said she'd do it but never did.