[SoupDragon]

Maybe the question is not whether I should continue, but how to. Things were difficult with me for so long and think through time and working with T, things....namely me!.... are more stable (although not sure if I prefer the "stable" me. I don't miss some of the anxieties, but do miss the buzz, life feels a little bland). So all that's left to talk about is the difficult stuff.

We focused on it a little recently, but BANG!! all those difficult feelings came back and it felt like I was back to square one.

So my dilemma is whether to just accept I am good as I can expect to be and yes I still have issues and find the thought of close relationships fairly terrifying, but actually I have carved myself out a life on my own which is good enough, or have faith that it will be OK and there will be a better outcome if I do try and explore the tough stuff with T.

Is leaving therapy early sometimes the better option?

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Maybe the question is not whether I should continue, but how to. Things were difficult with me for so long and think through time and working with T, things....namely me!.... are more stable (although not sure if I prefer the "stable" me. I don't miss some of the anxieties, but do miss the buzz, life feels a little bland). So all that's left to talk about is the difficult stuff.

We focused on it a little recently, but BANG!! all those difficult feelings came back and it felt like I was back to square one.

So my dilemma is whether to just accept I am good as I can expect to be and yes I still have issues and find the thought of close relationships fairly terrifying, but actually I have carved myself out a life on my own which is good enough, or have faith that it will be OK and there will be a better outcome if I do try and explore the tough stuff with T.

Is leaving therapy early sometimes the better option?

I think that leaving therapy (shortly after you start, in the middle, before you talk about the hard stuff, early, late, etc.) is always an option. I truly believe that the client gets to choose. I've read your posts for a long time, SD and I've always been amazed at how similar we are in our "escaping" from therapy--not escaping in the sense of leaving in a huff or in anger, but escaping because we are feeling the swell of a giant wave of emotional overwhelm building up around us. I don't know about you, but over the past year or so, I've gotten better at riding or surfing those waves, clutching the side of my little raft of "self" and waiting for the wave to hit the shore and turn into that harmless foam. Then, because I've been knocked off the middle of the raft, I climb back on, shake like a dog to get the water off me and start paddling again. Sometimes I can see my therapist on shore waving me in and shouting encouragement, and sometimes I can't see her because it's too foggy and I'm doing the paddling on my own, but I'm still paddling, still trying to ride the wild waters of life.

I have told my therapist that I'm NOT going to talk about my childhood abuse. I have told her it happened, I admit that it has colored who I am as a person and I'm honest about the fact that it has definitely effected my relationships, not friendships (although they are pretty superficial) but more importantly, my intimate relationships. I just feel that I don't want to go there, to sit in front of another person and talk about something that was so hurtful and shame filled. I get that talking about it is suppose to bring relief and healing, but whenever I've attempted to open that box and unpack it, I've found myself in total overwhelm. I don't know if what you're feeling is anything close to what I've explained above, but that's why I've escaped from therapy numerous times.

BUT here's the thing, I try to talk around the topic, but the darn thing just keeps popping up. If I leave therapy, feeling pretty solid and balanced, determined not to talk about the abuse, something knocks me off my little raft yet again and I start thrashing around like a drowning person. After a few attempts to leave, saying, "Look, I'm feeling pretty good. I think I can leave therapy and go live my life", I always seem to hit another giant wave. I've decided that maybe I can't talk about "it" openly yet, but I do better if I'm sitting in my therapist's office once a week, talking around the topic and riding the smaller waves that hit.

Luckily, my therapist is a patient person. She doesn't push or poke or demand that I talk about the issue. When it pops up in session (which it does on a regular basis), she'll pick up on it and goes with it. But she isn't insistent or pushy about it. She lets me set the agenda. That's helped me realize that I, ME, MY BRAIN, is the one who brings the topic to the surface and pushes it into the room to be looked at, and it doesn't just pop up in the room, it is there in my everyday life too--in my dreams, when I hit up against something that reminds me of the issue etc. It isn't going away just because I have good, positive times in my life. Does that mean that I'm ready to go in this week and lay it all out? Nope. But am I really done and ready to go out and wing it on my own? Nope. I have time. All the time in the world . . . or as long as I can still breath to gently approach this topic and look at it from all sides. I don't have to plunge in.

After all that. . . and I know that I tend to be wordy I guess what I'm saying is that you really are in the driver's seat. You can go or you can stay. You can escape for a while and then come back later. You can stay and NEVER talk about the topic or you can hang in there and float around and talk about it in roundabout ways. No need to plunge in. Courage comes at odd times and it doesn't have to be a sudden wild rush into the fray. Sometimes courage comes in steady leaks of determination, a relentless sticking with something even when it isn't cooperating. I think whatever you decide is what is right for you--and if you change your mind midstream, that's okay too. Good luck and take care of you!

[SoupDragon]

Hi Jay bird, thank-you so much for your post. I can really relate to that imagery. I think recently I lost my way, just when I think I have got somewhere and feel able to manage things, something inside me gets overwhelmed again and it's both tiring and disappointing.

Your post has given me a lot to think about and I know I will read it a few times. It has opened another pathway for me to explore.

Thanks again and hope you're doing OK today.

[Chummy]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Maybe the question is not whether I should continue, but how to. Things were difficult with me for so long and think through time and working with T, things....namely me!.... are more stable (although not sure if I prefer the "stable" me. I don't miss some of the anxieties, but do miss the buzz, life feels a little bland). So all that's left to talk about is the difficult stuff.

I can relate to this. At the moment I'm sort of ''stable''. Last session me an T actually talked a bit about that. If working on staying table with the new T for the 5 months current T is away is enough for me. Maybe I'll make some progress, but that the focus is mainly on staying stable during the months T is on leave.
For me it isn't enough. I won't make it too long, but eventhough I'm not as bad as I was before 5 months ago and I'm now sort of ''stable'', I still don't feel good. And like how I am now, I won't make it through the first few weeks of college, which starts in September.

Last year I did talk about my difficult stuff with T. I didn't do that the first time I was in therapy with current T. Then the main issue was social anxiety, now it's depression. I did thought about bringing those difficult things up, but I was afraid to do that and I thought it isn't really that neccessary. But I think a part of falling into this deep severe depression were because of some of those difficult things I didn't talked about.

Everyone is different. Maybe you don't need to talk about your things. Or maybe if you don't talk about it now, you will get less ''stable'' again after some months, years without therapy.
You need to think good about it. And you can do it at your own pace. You don't have to do what you T think you should do or is good for you. And you can tell what you want to tell.

For me, I reached a point of stability and what was deciding factor on whether I really needed to continue therapy was my ability to hit those places occasionally where I felt off kilter again and recover on my own. I reached a point where I realized the sky wasn't going to fall, my world wasn't going to come apart, if I had some low points. I realized I am able now to ride out those waves and use what I know to reached stability on my own. I realized I didn't have to see a therapist to help me do that anymore. At that point, I realized I could let myself "graduate".

I agree with what lolagrace said, and for me, the recovery times have become much quicker. Also, my heightened sensitivity that lead me to feeling wronged so often doesn't anymore.

Don't rule out just taking a break ... I've taken many breaks along the way and I liken it to taking what I've learned out for a test drive and then going in for a tune-up when things start getting a little sideways or off-kilter again.

[SoupDragon]

Thank-you.

Things have been a little confusing as I was persuaded by my doc to take meds back in July. I stuck with it for 8 months and then became I'll with a chest infection and forgot to keep taking them. I hadn't realised how numb they made me so decided not to start taking them again.

T and I had started to go towards the difficult stuff 3 weeks ago and although initially I thought I could deal with it, have felt so overwhelmed since then. The last session with T was a bit of a waste of time as my anxiety was through the roof and since then it's been up and down. Was okish today until I went to the supermarket and then got really overwhelmed by the noise there. Have been feeling horrible since then.

Prog, I do wonder about taking a break, but with my history of bolting, not sure whether that's the rational part of me thinking that or not.

And Lolagrace and Walkedthatroad, that's a good point about recovery and degree of overwhelm without support, although things feel tougher at the moment, I know I'm not where I was when I started with T.

And Chummy, yes there is no rush, I can take things at my pace can't I?

I guess there's still that part of me that thinks T must surely have had enough of me and my dramas by now.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((( Soup )))))))))))

You mentioned that you weren't sure if "taking a good thing" was workable due to your history of bolting and you said you weren't sure your therapist wasn't getting tired of your "drama" by now. If your therapist is worth his salt (and if I remember correctly, you've been with him for a while), he's in this for the long haul. Do our therapists get frustrated when we take a break when overwhelmed . . . yeah, I pretty much figure mine does. But she welcomes me back each time I leave and we pick up the pieces and begin again. It's like learning to dance--I don't know about you, but I've got two left feet and keep stumbling and stepping on her toes, but she doesn't get impatient, she doesn't sigh in exasperation or frustration, she just continues on with the dance. Each time I've returned, I've felt a little more secure that she isn't going to walk away, throwing her hands up in exasperation. If you need a break, SD, it's okay. Some of my breaks have been a couple of weeks, and others have been three to six months. The door is still open when I call up and say, "Hey, T, when you have an opening, can I come back?" She always has an opening and her smile of welcome is always warm and sincere. Some therapists really "GET IT" when it comes to allowing the client to go at his/her own speed.

Originally Posted by Pfrog

Don't rule out just taking a break ... I've taken many breaks along the way and I liken it to taking what I've learned out for a test drive and then going in for a tune-up when things start getting a little sideways or off-kilter again.

Love the "test drive" image, Pfrog! That's what I think I do--go out and try life on my own for a bit and then come back for a tune-up. You said it so much more concisely than I did!

[feralkittymom]

Although my T's retirement kind of made the decision for me, I did take an extended break at one point. But it was because I felt stuck and the resulting anxiety from being stuck was becoming its own problem. The break and returning allowed that anxiety to somehow dissipate. But what really made the difference for me was the realization that there wasn't a clear defining line between "I'm a mess and my life is unworkable" and "I'm all fixed and my life can begin." Life, including therapy, happens in the space between those extremes--and that's OK.

[SoupDragon]

That's a good point feralkittymom, I think deep down I am still wanting to emerge "fixed" and to resume life, but maybe I need to accept I will always be in that middle place - maybe this is a permanent "injury" that I need to work with in the long term.

[feralkittymom]

But where you find yourself within that great middle space changes over time, as does the intensity of the "injury." I don't want to give the impression that healing and/or flying solo isn't possible. It's just that wherever you find yourself in the present is life and is life worth respecting to its fullest.