[Deer Heart]

Hi everyone,

I wasn't sure exactly where to post this topic, because I know that there are other parts of the forum that more specifically take into consideration gender identity issues and "romantic feelings toward my therapist," respectively. However, I think that at this point, my main topic is just how to talk to your therapist about difficult stuff, so I think that can just stay here. (I do understand if for some reason this topic needs to be moved, though.)

I found this forum a few weeks ago, when I was reading half the internet on therapist crushes & transference. And yes, I have a crush on my therapist. I'll call her "Cat" because she reminds me of one. She's elegant, sophisticated, and sassy all at once. I've seen and met with a number of therapists in the past (and my last therapist was truly wonderful), but I've definitely never had these kinds of feelings before. I guess I never had a therapist quite like this one. She's young and pretty (scratch that, beautiful), bold, funny (sometimes rather sarcastically), kind, and caring. Reading over the forums inspired me to finally tell her about my crush (just for processing/honesty purposes), and she handled the situation very thoughtfully and professionally. I'm really glad that I told her because I was anxious about it for a few weeks! So a big thank you to all of you who wrote about your experiences and asked questions.

Now I could use some help with a couple of other things (preferably before this Tuesday).

1) I get stressed when it comes to conflict or situations that I perceive as "conflict." I usually feel more comfortable resolving issues with guys than with girls. I tend to be more awkward with and/or scared of girls. One thing that I appreciate so much about Cat is that I feel like she has really given me a safe place to talk things through and I think she demonstrates a good model of how to constructively work through differences and misunderstandings in a healthy way. Like if I disagree with her on something, get frustrated/get my feelings hurt, or want to voice any sort of concerns, I actually have been able to and she has always been calm and open to the discussions.

I feel like this is a big deal for me because there were therapists in the past that I would not have been able to speak up to. (Sometimes the therapists would get very defensive and I would feel attacked, or other times the therapists and I just weren't the best match. Or I just plain didn't feel comfortable enough to tell them how I felt.) So there are a couple recent things that I want to bring up with Cat, but I feel worried that maybe at some point I will be trying her patience, or she will feel like I am picking on her, or that I just want to fight with her. (I think that's another issue, that for some reason I see this as "fighting." One of my friends says that I should just see it as giving feedback.) Do you ever worry that you're being "too difficult" with your therapist? What do you do?

(I was trying to talk to my mom about this, and I felt like she was saying that maybe I should just let some stuff go, because obviously Cat has to be able to express herself and tell me things even if I don't want to hear them/she should be able to say what she wants. And it's not that I don't want Cat to say whatever she wants to say, I just want to be able to sometimes talk about my resulting feelings and process them. Maybe I'm excited that I have this nice person that has thus far responded very graciously and effectively, and I would like to continue feeling like she will work through things with me and not give up on me. It might sound silly, but it makes me really happy that she lets me talk about these things. But a little part of me is worried that I'm becoming too fussy and unfair.)

2) I'm genderqueer. Basically, I don't really identify as completely a girl or a boy, and I'm most comfortable with gender neutral language and "they/them" pronouns in regards to myself. I've talked to Cat about this because, since dealing with my pronouns in the rest of the world is a little complicated right now, I was hoping that therapy could at least be a safe place for me where I didn't have to worry about it.

Cat wants me to be comfortable and I know she cares. She has made an effort to use more gender neutral language. That being said, she--like most people--doesn't notice when she uses the wrong pronouns. There was one session where I talked to her about it, and she was very nice and receptive and she asked if I could please remind her exactly what it was that she had said in the previous session (I wasn't brave enough to bring it up at the time). Now there's been a couple more sessions since then where she's referred to me with the wrong pronouns (without realizing it), and I'm feeling anxious about trying to bring it up again. It's important to me, but I know a lot of people would probably think that I'm asking too much. And I don't want to be too pushy. Have any of you had a similar situation with your therapist and if so, how did you handle it? Any ideas about what I should do?

Thank you so very much for reading this.

[Hopelesspoppy]

You are doing great, and kudos for your sensitivity and honesty. It sounds like she is a great fit for you, and I understand how that may make you feel concern that you may somehow push her away. By all means you should respectfully challenge comments she may make that don't sit comfortably with you, in fact she might really appreciate your focus on clarity. I would suggest you tell her more or less exactly your fears as you have written here, of feeling misunderstood, too problematic, etc. From how you describe her she will respond with reassurance and sensitivity.
As far as pronouns go, I understand how important it is to you and I have no doubt that her lapses are completely accidental, most of us have done it, the usage has not been in our brains long enough yet. What if you simply request that she refer to you by name? Good luck, and again, you're doing great. Let us know how it goes.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Deer Heart: I read you post. It sounds to me like you have an excellent relationship with Cat. I see no reason why you shouldn't mention it whenever she makes a mistake with regard to her use of pronouns. As Hopelesspoppy mentioned, the concept of personal pronouns has not been in our brains long enough for it to come naturally. I'll tell you that I'm 67 now. I've been transgender all my life, although I never did anything about it. (It's a long story.) But anyway I don't have a command of the concept of personal pronouns or of all of the gender identity labels that are in use nowadays. So, from my perspective, your therapist's mistakes are understandable & should be corrected... gently & with compassion... I wish you well...

[ruh roh]

Not to be dense, but more out of confusion and trying to understand what your therapist has done, I am wondering how can a therapist refer to you with a gender pronoun to your face? Sorry for the question. I am genuinely confused and also wanting to understand. I have seen my therapist for 16 months and have never been referred to with any kind of gender--not for the same reason as you, but because my therapist is talking to me directly. I'm not all that enlightened on the subject, although I live in a fairly liberal town. Our local bakery refers to its people-shaped gingerbread cookies as "pants" and "dress" and the counter people will correct anyone who asks for a gingerbread boy or girl.

I apologize in advance, but your problem has me stumped.

I'm a bit confused. I know language changes all the time. Does your therapist not use the pronoun "you" or your "given name" when signifying you in a conversation? Is "you" considered a gendered term in English?

[Sofya Semyonovna]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

Not to be dense, but more out of confusion and trying to understand what your therapist has done, I am wondering how can a therapist refer to you with a gender pronoun to your face? Sorry for the question. I am genuinely confused and also wanting to understand. I have seen my therapist for 16 months and have never been referred to with any kind of gender--not for the same reason as you, but because my therapist is talking to me directly. I'm not all that enlightened on the subject, although I live in a fairly liberal town. Our local bakery refers to its people-shaped gingerbread cookies as "pants" and "dress" and the counter people will correct anyone who asks for a gingerbread boy or girl.

I apologize in advance, but your problem has me stumped.

I find that in therapy, we frequently talk about ourselves in the past as well as in the future. For instance, in my therapy, we'll talk about the girl I was growing up and the woman I hope to be. So, gender pronouns often arise quite a bit.

[ruh roh]

Thanks. I have never done that, so I couldn't figure out how it would happen. I think, in fact, that my therapist even says "child" when referring to my past. So thank you. I think I get it now.

To the OP: Your therapist sounds like she needs some specific training in this area. Since you like her, it's probably going to be difficult to suggest she get some education around this, but that might be the only way she learns. She (like me) is probably just very dense in this area and needs to have it hammered home.

[Sofya Semyonovna]

I made friends with a genderqueer person, we'll call them Lex, about a year ago. It was the first friend I had ever had that preferred they/them pronouns, and let me tell you, it was difficult for me to get the hang of. When I first met them, I immediately assumed, based off their appearance, that they were female, and switching to they/them pronouns took some practice since I had never used them before. Any time I was speaking with someone and accidentally misgendered Lex, someone in the group would politely remind me of the correct pronoun. It helped being corrected in the moment, and over time, the gender neutral pronouns soon became second nature.

We live in a society that very much exists within a male/female paradigm. Though hopefully that will change as our understanding of gender changes, the vast majority of people have never encountered a situation where they had to use they/them pronouns. Maybe just politely reminding your T of your preferred pronouns every time she misgenders you could help. After a while, it will become ingrained in her that you use they/them pronouns, and it should become second nature. But, much like training a dog, it's helpful to correct her the moment it happens, rather than waiting for another day.

[Deer Heart]

Hello again! Don't worry about asking questions, and thank you for your replies. I really appreciate it more than I can say. Hopelesspoppy and Skeezyks, your kind and thoughtful words really meant a lot to me. Thank you very much for taking the time to write that out. Everyone's comments have been awesome, and a big thank you for being so respectful and empathetic. It's so nice to feel like I have your support right now.

I'll try to explain better what I mean about the pronouns. So yes, most of the time when Cat talks to me, it's a typical conversation where she addresses me as "you" or mentions my name. But sometimes even when you are talking directly to a person, random sentences still come up that do involve pronouns besides "you." Like if you were talking to a friend and you told her, "Oh, I was thinking about you the other day, and I thought, She would love this!" Or if you were talking to her about her relationship with a difficult family member, and you said, "Look, it doesn't matter if he thinks, Oh, she's just being ridiculous, you know that your reasons are valid and you have to believe in yourself." Sometimes something will come with Cat, like if she mentions a hypothetical situation involving other people and me, and then she'll refer to me with pronouns in the example.

Originally Posted by ruh roh

To the OP: Your therapist sounds like she needs some specific training in this area. Since you like her, it's probably going to be difficult to suggest she get some education around this, but that might be the only way she learns. She (like me) is probably just very dense in this area and needs to have it hammered home.

That made me laugh. In my experience, almost everyone I know has a really difficult time wrapping their heads around this and they don't even realize what pronouns they use for a person. So I don't think that this whole dilemma is just difficult for you and Cat.

Right now I'm actually trying to figure out another situation with Cat (which I have another thread about), but if all goes well and I can continue working with her, I will try to figure out how to talk to her more about this... on your note about Cat getting more educated around this topic, would it be inappropriate if I found some helpful information online and gave it to her? Or what would be appropriate for me to say/contribute? She is very intelligent and a good therapist, which I truly appreciate, and I don't want to seem condescending or belittling.

Originally Posted by Sofya Semyonovna

I made friends with a genderqueer person, we'll call them Lex, about a year ago. It was the first friend I had ever had that preferred they/them pronouns, and let me tell you, it was difficult for me to get the hang of. When I first met them, I immediately assumed, based off their appearance, that they were female, and switching to they/them pronouns took some practice since I had never used them before. Any time I was speaking with someone and accidentally misgendered Lex, someone in the group would politely remind me of the correct pronoun. It helped being corrected in the moment, and over time, the gender neutral pronouns soon became second nature.

We live in a society that very much exists within a male/female paradigm. Though hopefully that will change as our understanding of gender changes, the vast majority of people have never encountered a situation where they had to use they/them pronouns. Maybe just politely reminding your T of your preferred pronouns every time she misgenders you could help. After a while, it will become ingrained in her that you use they/them pronouns, and it should become second nature. But, much like training a dog, it's helpful to correct her the moment it happens, rather than waiting for another day.

It sounds like you did a great job with Lex, and I'm sure they really appreciate it. I generally haven't had much luck with my friends and family (or even people in queer spaces) making an effort for me. I agree that correcting Cat in the moment is best, but I feel like I would need to talk to her about talking to her when that happens, because I feel a little anxious about it. She did once refer to me as someone's [gender]friend when I would have preferred the word "partner," and I did speak up then, but for some reason it's more difficult for me to defend my pronouns.

[ruh roh]

Thanks so much for the examples of how pronouns enter into direct address. I get how that would sting. It's like you are invisible to her when she does that, and it would feel invalidating. In fact, that's probably what I would end up saying if it were me. I am also tacky enough to make a buzzing sound when she used the wrong pronoun and hold up a flash card with the correct one.

If you want to create more distance, you can share how dunderheaded *someone* on pc was about this, and say how it opened your eyes to how hard it is to get people to understand the use of pronouns and gender identity (see I already learned that).

Hopefully, you can gauge her level of awareness/education and whether or not she will lead herself to get more education on the topic or whether it feels right to offer to bring things in for her to read. Maybe she will slap her head and be sorry and ask you to keep bringing it to her attention. You can work it out.

Originally Posted by Deer Heart

would it be inappropriate if I found some helpful information online and gave it to her? Or what would be appropriate for me to say/contribute? She is very intelligent and a good therapist, which I truly appreciate, and I don't want to seem condescending or belittling.

Dunno if it might help you. While I'm not trans or genderqueer, I brought in transgender information for my T to read because I wanted to talk about how to support a genderqueer person in my life. My T was grateful for the resources.