There's something heavy weighing me down, something I've not told anyone that effects me severely this time of the year. I've tried to talk about it with my T but I've had a fainting episode every time.

The thing is, with the anniversary of this event coming up I'm finding it very difficult to talk to my T, she's doing a lot of the talking and I'm thankful for it but she's got nothing to work with and the things she does say are only somewhat right. I tell her if she's interpreted me or feelings wrongly, but I'm so slow to reply sometimes she's already talking again.

If I talk about this event there's a 99.9999% chance I'll have an episode and faint. If I don't then I've grazed over something really important. My T thinks we should steer clear of traumatic memories, to stop myself from fainting until I've learnt some grounding techniques, but I'm worried by the time I've learnt them these raw feelings I've hidden for 10 years will be buried again until next year. This time next year I won't be in therapy, it's how it's been arranged for me so this is probably the only time I'll have to deal with it but now I feel like I can't. I feel like my T has shut that avenue down. I don't know if or how to approach her about this.*

[RedSun]

Anglo, can you write down what you've written here? And explain that you need her to give you time, not start talking again.
Also, is there any way you could write some of the event? Even a word or two...that you could give to your T. I started my whole process by writing down some fragments for T...I was shaking so badly I don't know how she read them, some of them didn't make sense, but it was very helpful to me. There's no way I could speak at all, let alone say the words out loud.

I was thinking about writing or trying to earlier. I don't know where or how to start. Right now I can only manage single words and it makes no sense. I don't want her to gloss this over but I'm worried I'll be sick when I try.

Would you still try? I'm pretty sure what I've written paints the basic picture. I think I could talk about my feelings towards the memories, just not the memories themselves.

[Ellahmae]

I would still try. It will at least get it out of you and to someone else which I find greatly helpful. She'll have an idea of what is going for you as well. I often write things down and seal them in an envelope whether they make sense or not and she always understands more than I give her credit for. I hope you are able to give her what you've written.

[Freewilled]

Please don't push yourself if you are not ready. I have only had bad things happen to me by trying to make myself be ready when I'm clearly not there yet....maybe writing it out would be best if you feel the need to get it out there. But I would trust your therapist's wisdom about learning grounding techniques first. I SO wish my T had done the same instead of letting me push myself so hard I ended up in the hospital.

Originally Posted by Freewilled

Please don't push yourself if you are not ready. I have only had bad things happen to me by trying to make myself be ready when I'm clearly not there yet....maybe writing it out would be best if you feel the need to get it out there. But I would trust your therapist's wisdom about learning grounding techniques first. I SO wish my T had done the same instead of letting me push myself so hard I ended up in the hospital.

I agree with Freewilled.

Even if you have to pick this up years later, I think it's better than pushing too hard too soon.