[naia]

I went to a new PCP, who took mandating reporting so seriously that she started to file a report about DV. I then saw my therapist, signed the paperwork, and now they have spoken.

I was shocked because so far no one has done anything, not even the police, who have come to the house several times, but have never filed any reports. So when I tried to get relocation funds, my case was denied.

I haven't told my partner yet. I'm afraid of how he may react. Plus I'm sick with a cough so have been home mostly in bed all week.

The situation is really complicated. He is elderly so I'm sorta like a caregiver, but his issues are way beyond me at this point. He totaled his car, may lose his license, and is in sharp decline, on some sort of memory loss drug now.

He and his family think I'm the one abusing him since he takes blood thinners so has bruises. I feel stuck. I know my safety comes first, but this is a long term relationship so it's sad.

This just happened yesterday so I can't really take it in yet. At least I see my T again tomorrow. He has wanted me to leave for a while, is very supportive now, and has said this new doc is really trying to help.

[Lauliza]

In my state (Massachusetts), there is no report to file for domestic violence on someone who isn't in a protected category (elderly, disabled or a child). If there is where you live however (or you are in a protected category), then he must have been very concerned. I hope you are safe and things work out for you.

[AncientMelody]

I'm not sure I understand the situation that's going on with the information you gave, but that is not important. The important part is that I wish health and safety to all involved. If your partner is getting unstable and you feel you are not able to help him, this report may get some kind of social services involved which should help. If it doesn't, you may want to look into his doctor or the department of human services to get him further evaluation/help. Good luck.

[naia]

I'm in a protected category, disabled, so the report goes to social services. But there is yet another complication. My T has now told me that he only reported verbal aggression not physical to the doctor filing the report. We have had some issues between us before, but I thought they were worked out. He even suggested I install a chain lock on my door, carry my cell phone at all times, and has seen bruises and pictures of bruises so I have no idea why he then reported verbal aggression only. And since the doctor is new she will of course go with his report which is now so mixed up I don't know what to do about it.

My T actually said he thought nothing would happen, that people would come by to take statements and it would all be okay, when he knows it's not okay, has been for a long time, and now that I have told my partner, things are even worse. He has threatened me again, and may cut me off. That means if no serious report is filed and I don't get funding to relocate, I will have to live in a shelter or in my car. I can't believe my T thinks this is a non-issue. I feel so powerless.

And I have so many appointment and meetings coming up that if someone does come by to take statements they will get my partner's mixed up version because I won't be here. Add that to the mixed up version that my T gave to the new doc, and it's just a mess when I was trying to get out of this situation in a way that worked for everyone. I told the doctor that I thought my partner now needed professional care that was beyond my capacity. So I was also trying to think of his best interests.

I spent the afternoon in bed crying about how sad this all was, but felt that I did have people behind me. Now I feel totally alone in this, that it is so tangled that it will be impossible to manage. And of course telling my partner does mean that he is really angry so my safety is in a worse not better position.

But my T said something like, he's not going to kill you so this is not a crisis, gotta go...

Great. So much for trusting people. I give up.

[naia]

I post here off and on and really don't get anything. I give up. This is serious stuff. I'm tired of checking and getting nothing. I've tried to be supportive but have gotten some mean, even block you type of responses. Or just nothing, which in a way is worse.

I'm not an idiot. I'm not a kid either. I thought this place was open and friendly, would be a place to have people understand. Instead there's been a lot of fighting over simple word choice rather than real issues.

I feel some connection with a few but mostly not. Sorry, this is not the place for me. There is a high school mentality and cliques that aren't clear to an outsider or to someone who is older. Been there, done that. Thanks to whoever has tried, but I give up. My life is about to fall apart and no one here seems to even get that let alone try to lend some support.

[Freewilled]

Naia,

I'm sorry that your going through this and I really wish there was something I could do to help you. I understand being in an abusive situation and how tangled up it can get, especially when therapists and other professionals get involved. One thing that has helped me is working on self-empathy or self-compassion. This has been helpful lately because of all the judgment I've endured not only from others, but the internalized judgment I place on myself. I have no practical answers but please know that I care.

Naia, I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation. It sounds as though your therapist is concerned about your living conditions (verbal and physical altercations) and he/she is attempting to get some help in there to find out what's happening and hopefully get you some assistance in getting out of there. From what I understand, and it isn't completely clear to me so forgive me if I'm getting this wrong, you're concerned that Social Services will simply tell you to leave the house and you don't have the money to move; is that correct? If you're worried that the social worker who will be doing the investigation won't hear your concerns, call DSS and ask to schedule an appointment to come in and talk. You mentioned that you have a car, so getting out of the house and going there will afford you more privacy when you talk to the social worker. Be honest and up front about the verbal AND the physical abuse! Bring the pictures and let her know that you need help getting out of a dangerous situation. Be proactive. I know that's hard when you're scared and down, but it's time for you to look after you!

The other thing I wanted to say is that this is a busy board. Not all threads get the attention they deserve. It really isn't personal. If you do decide to post another thread at some point and you want more feedback and support, it's okay to bump the thread up and tell people that you need more feedback. You'll see a lot of posters do that. What you might not want to do is word your request as an attack against the other posters as uncaring or cliquish (even though you're feeling hurt or upset). The poor response really isn't personal, Naia. Hang in there and ask people for what you want and people really will notice and come back and provide what you need. Take care.

[LonesomeTonight]

I'm also sorry you're going through this. And it's not personal if people don't comment, as Jaybird said. I didn't comment initially because I wasn't sure what to tell you, as it sounds like your situation is very complex. I'd also suggest contacting social services yourself--if you're a victim, I don't see how they could kick you out of the house, certainly not without offering you some sort of support. I'd also talk to your therapist and PCP to see if the statement can be amended to include physical abuse.

[unaluna]

It feels like you are still trying to control the outcome for your partner / abuser. You cant move forward while you are still looking back. You try to justify your actions, but you cant ask for help for yourself, and still help him. Its incongruent. Maybe thats part of why its hard to comment.